Els Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 I don't think it's conehead who's afraid of engagement.. it's far more likely that her bf might be wary if she started suggesting engagement after 8 months of being together. That would be quite logical given what she's said about him. Conehead, just curious... do you have physical intimacy but no sexual intimacy? Like, kisses, cuddling, necking, etc.
Author conehead Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 I don't think it's conehead who's afraid of engagement.. it's far more likely that her bf might be wary if she started suggesting engagement after 8 months of being together. That would be quite logical given what she's said about him. Conehead, just curious... do you have physical intimacy but no sexual intimacy? Like, kisses, cuddling, necking, etc. Yes, kissing, cuddling, necking would be fine and great. Just I'd wish for the sexual intimacy stuff to stop and not happen until marriage.
WineCountry Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Religious zealots? She doesn't have to date a religious zealot! Listen conehead, if you want some hope, the cool, teen rockband "the Jonas Brothers" are saving themselves for marriage too . They wear virginity rings. (I'm not taking comments on this so you can flame me if you want) What I mean is you don't have to be religious or assaulted to refrain from sex, and I don't like when people say that. Normal is what you define it. There are celibate men out there, there are hopeless romantic men, younger guys, w/e. You do what makes you comfortable! Yah..you may not like it when people say that, but look what the OP just said a few post ago. She said something about some sex stuff making her feel like a WHORE. And didnt I say that it felt like she had some sort of issue with feeling sex was dirty??? THAT is a point I was trying to make also. That sometimes people who feel as she does DO have 'issues' due to..something in their life. Maybe not an assault..but SOMETHING. I think THOSE feeling need to be examined. With therapy, something. She needs to work through those emotions and find out if she is being held back from enjoying a sex life because she feels she is going to be 'dirty' or a whore. If she has issues like that, they aint going away AFTER she gets married. There will probably STILL be sexual hangups. What if her hubby wanted to try some freaky sex or something? Will she think she is gonna burn in hell because she did something other than the missionary position?? You do what makes you comfortable! That's the thing...does it really make her comfortable to abstain from sex, or is it only because she has been raised to feel like a WHORE if she had sex outside of marriage?? It's one thing to be happy and calm and very confident of one's decisions. It's another thing when you only make those decisions because you think you will be BAD if you dont. There is a difference, OP. Examine that.
Els Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Well. There are people who don't drink because they fear they won't be able to restrain themselves. There are people who choose not to watch porn because they feel they're disrespecting their partner if they do. There are people who choose not to date people a lot younger than them because they just feel they'd be a creep if they do. All of those actions are not wrong in themselves either... but neither is it wrong for those people to feel that they would prefer not to do it just out of principle (because they think they'll be 'bad' if they do).
Els Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 OP: I hate to say this, but you kissing, cuddling and necking but not wanting to perform any sexual acts (handjobs/mutual masturbation are also out-of-bounds I guess?) might not be a very good idea. Men just seem to get turned on by most types of physical contact. I cannot count the number of times when my bf and I were just lying in bed and holding each other... and then I discovered that he had wood. So each time you do that, you might be turning him on greatly and frustrating him. For what it's worth, most of the couples I know who don't perform ANY sexual acts together don't usually do the cuddling, necking and petting either.
Author conehead Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 OP: I hate to say this, but you kissing, cuddling and necking but not wanting to perform any sexual acts (handjobs/mutual masturbation are also out-of-bounds I guess?) might not be a very good idea. Men just seem to get turned on by most types of physical contact. I cannot count the number of times when my bf and I were just lying in bed and holding each other... and then I discovered that he had wood. So each time you do that, you might be turning him on greatly and frustrating him. For what it's worth, most of the couples I know who don't perform ANY sexual acts together don't usually do the cuddling, necking and petting either. You make a very good point. I think about this myself. I also googled an article for people who are waiting for marriage before having sex and the ways to cope with it. See excerpt below: One of the main reasons why couples wait until marriage for sex is because they want to emphasize other things that make a marriage strong. Love, devotion, loyalty, compassion and personality traits are all just as important as sex, so make them a big deal. Spend time every day to be alone and to cuddle with one another, perhaps talking about what you love about your relationship. This will ensure that your commitment to one another is strong, and that you aren’t all-consumed about sexual thoughts. Some people feel more closely tied to another through a kiss than even through a more sexual act. Unless your religion or belief structure prohibits it, take time every day to kiss and cuddle together. If you have any restraint at all, this shouldn’t lead to sex, but will allow you to forge an intimate bond even before your wedding day. That excerpt basically sums up in better words one of the main reasons I choose to abstain. I think abstaining from sex until marriage helps build a stronger foundation for a happier marriage. Not saying that's the ultimate truth, but that is what I believe.
WineCountry Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Well. There are people who don't drink because they fear they won't be able to restrain themselves. There are people who choose not to watch porn because they feel they're disrespecting their partner if they do. There are people who choose not to date people a lot younger than them because they just feel they'd be a creep if they do. All of those actions are not wrong in themselves either... but neither is it wrong for those people to feel that they would prefer not to do it just out of principle (because they think they'll be 'bad' if they do). She used the word W H O R E when explaining how it made her feel. W H O R E. But yeah I guess we can all just keep agreeing that there are no issues there. Fine. Hey, i'm no therapist. Good luck.
Soul Bear Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 [/b] She used the word W H O R E when explaining how it made her feel. W H O R E. But yeah I guess we can all just keep agreeing that there are no issues there. Fine. Hey, i'm no therapist. Good luck. :lmao:
Els Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 [/b] She used the word W H O R E when explaining how it made her feel. W H O R E. But yeah I guess we can all just keep agreeing that there are no issues there. Fine. Hey, i'm no therapist. Good luck. Okay. How would you feel if you snatched someone else's girlfriend? (or boyfriend, if you're female) A jerk? A cheat? Perhaps (although I cannot see why this is worse than the rest) a WHORE? Now. In my country (and in many others), especially among young people and teens, relationships outside marriage are not taken seriously. If you think you can get someone else's girlfriend, go ahead and do it. This is because due to conservative and traditional restrictions, much of the dating that young people do really is 'casual dating'. There is seldom any sex or physical intimacy beyond maybe holding hands and the shy kiss. So just because you feel you'd be a jerk to steal someone else's girlfriend (when it's acceptable in certain cultures), you have issues?
Author conehead Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 I feel my bf becoming more distant over the past few days. I'm afraid the end is near. Eventhough I knew it would happen, and it is not really anyone's fault...it still kinda hurts .
dreamergrl Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 I feel my bf becoming more distant over the past few days. I'm afraid the end is near. Eventhough I knew it would happen, and it is not really anyone's fault...it still kinda hurts . I would be distant as well if my boyfriend allowed me certain sexual acts and then took them away. I'd feel as though I had done something very wrong, and wouldn't be able to figure out what.
BCCA Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 That excerpt basically sums up in better words one of the main reasons I choose to abstain. I think abstaining from sex until marriage helps build a stronger foundation for a happier marriage. Not saying that's the ultimate truth, but that is what I believe. I dont think anyone is disagreeing with the desire to wait on sex, the problem is here... I would be distant as well if my boyfriend allowed me certain sexual acts and then took them away. I'd feel as though I had done something very wrong, and wouldn't be able to figure out what. You kind of already did. Now youre taking them away, which = punishing him. He probably thinks there is a reason for it past you wanting there to be more to the relationship, and deep down, I think you know there is. There has to be some reason you see sexual acts in such a harsh light, because youve already done them, so its not like youre affraid of doing anything for the first time. This is going to lead to... I feel my bf becoming more distant over the past few days. I'm afraid the end is near. Its like your mom buying you a Playstation, and then taking it away a week later because she thinks it might rot your brain. Even if there is some truth to it, its kind of cruel and hard to understand. Be that as it may, we may our own decisions about whats good for us and whats not, so you need to do what you need to do.
Author conehead Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 Its like your mom buying you a Playstation, and then taking it away a week later because she thinks it might rot your brain. Even if there is some truth to it, its kind of cruel and hard to understand. Be that as it may, we may our own decisions about whats good for us and whats not, so you need to do what you need to do. You make a good point, and there is alot of truth to that, which is why it took me months to tell my bf. It's hard for me too and I've put alot of thought to it. Yes, it's more cruel for the mom to take away the playstation than if she'd never given it to the child in the first place, but does that mean she should just leave the kid with it even if it IS rotting his brain? This may seem a bit of an extreme example, but you get the gist of it. It's not ideal for the mom to take it away, but just because she's given it to the child already is not a good enough reason in itself to let him keep it. Cruel, but the mom is doing what she thinks is right in the long term. Sometimes the kids understand eventually why there mom did it, and sometimes the kid never understands and just grows to hate/resent the mom. I regret having sex in the first place, but just because I already did doesnt mean I have to keep doing it and have it keep hurting me. It's not too late to bring dignity back to myself. Alot of cultures (I'm Asian) think that sex outside of marriage is wrong, so are people on this board thinking that all those people in those cultures have issues? There's a reason why those cultures believe those things...and just because you're not able to grasp why, doesnt mean that those cultures have issues. However I think its good that people give me their thoughts here on this board eventhough I don't see it their way...because it's giving me an understanding into how my bf is proabably feeling and thinking...so that I can understand his frustations when we discuss this next week.
girl68 Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Okay. How would you feel if you snatched someone else's girlfriend? (or boyfriend, if you're female) A jerk? A cheat? Perhaps (although I cannot see why this is worse than the rest) a WHORE? Now. In my country (and in many others), especially among young people and teens, relationships outside marriage are not taken seriously. If you think you can get someone else's girlfriend, go ahead and do it. This is because due to conservative and traditional restrictions, much of the dating that young people do really is 'casual dating'. There is seldom any sex or physical intimacy beyond maybe holding hands and the shy kiss. So just because you feel you'd be a jerk to steal someone else's girlfriend (when it's acceptable in certain cultures), you have issues? How the heck is that related!? Yes, it's more cruel for the mom to take away the playstation than if she'd never given it to the child in the first place, but does that mean she should just leave the kid with it even if it IS rotting his brain? This may seem a bit of an extreme example, but you get the gist of it. It's not ideal for the mom to take it away, but just because she's given it to the child already is not a good enough reason in itself to let him keep it. Cruel, but the mom is doing what she thinks is right in the long term. Sometimes the kids understand eventually why there mom did it, and sometimes the kid never understands and just grows to hate/resent the mom. I regret having sex in the first place, but just because I already did doesnt mean I have to keep doing it and have it keep hurting me. It's not too late to bring dignity back to myself. Alot of cultures (I'm Asian) think that sex outside of marriage is wrong, so are people on this board thinking that all those people in those cultures have issues? There's a reason why those cultures believe those things...and just because you're not able to grasp why, doesnt mean that those cultures have issues. You make a good point. We are not saying cultures have issues. We are suggesting/ asking if YOU have issues. When your husband calls you sexy are you still going to feel like a whore? Because sexy to a man is sex married, or single. So if you feel like a whore now when he calls you sexy, likely you're still going to feel like a whore when he calls you sexy when you're married. The word means the same thing married or not. Or how about when your husband grabs your butt becasue he's horny, is he degrading you and making you feel like a little slu-t because he is actively seeking out sex? My point it that just because you get married, your feelings about being a dirty, degraded whore likely will stick. You view sex as a savory love making session. Which it can be, sometimes. But what about when he's just a horny dog and just wants to pound you? You're very likely to pull the "I feel like a whore" when you want me like that. And I think this is why some folks have suggested that you have "issues" towards sex.
Author conehead Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 How the heck is that related!? You make a good point. We are not saying cultures have issues. We are suggesting/ asking if YOU have issues. When your husband calls you sexy are you still going to feel like a whore? Because sexy to a man is sex married, or single. So if you feel like a whore now when he calls you sexy, likely you're still going to feel like a whore when he calls you sexy when you're married. The word means the same thing married or not. Or how about when your husband grabs your butt becasue he's horny, is he degrading you and making you feel like a little slu-t because he is actively seeking out sex? My point it that just because you get married, your feelings about being a dirty, degraded whore likely will stick. You view sex as a savory love making session. Which it can be, sometimes. But what about when he's just a horny dog and just wants to pound you? You're very likely to pull the "I feel like a whore" when you want me like that. And I think this is why some folks have suggested that you have "issues" towards sex. In alot of cultures, girls who have sex outside of marraige are seen as whores. My bf performing sexual acts on me alone makes me feel bothered because we are not married makes me feel bothered, and him calling me sexy and saying I turn him on further reinforces that. I can tell u that in my culture men can call their wives sexy and say they turn him on in the bedroom and that wouldnt be a problem....but if that is done outside of marraige, then yes that's not appropriate. Its the same thing. My beliefs are based mainly on how I grew up in my culture. I can see how my beliefs may be an issue in that it conflicts with my bf's beliefs, but I don't see it as something that is intrinsically wrong or is an issue in itself. I am considered a person of these cultures, and there are alot of people who have the same beleifes as me because we were brought up the same way. Are you suggesting we all have issues? Do you get what I mean and how your suggestion doesn't really make sense to me?
Teslacoil Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 I enjoy sex and all that stuff, but perhaps because of the way I was brought up, sex outside of marraige (along with living together and having kids outside of marriage) makes me feel kind of like a whore (sorry if this offends anyone...this is just how I feel about MYSELF but I have nothing against other people doing it). I'd love to eventually live with my bf and have kids, but those are things to be done after marriage for me. I really feel bad for you that this is how you were brought up. Sex is a beautiful wonderful part of being in love and being intimate. I really feel bad for anyone who was conditioned into feeling guilty about it. Surely one should wait for sex until they are ready, and no relationship should jump into it, but when you're really in love with someone, in my opinion making love to that person is sublime. A marriage certificate is just a piece of paper in comparison. That's just me though. Kids I agree with you on though. If you can't make up your minds to commit to be married to each other, having kids is a bad idea. In the end, you really shouldn't do anything you're not comfortable with... but I think you need to find a different boyfriend who holds the same ideals that you do.
Gemini09 Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 I'm not religious at all...but yes sex before marriage just feels wrong for ME personally You say you are NOT religious at all, than why are you so strictly against the entire issue? Normally, people who restrict sex until marriage, are very religious, if not a little. I didn't read all the posts(it is too exhausting), but based on a few of them, I am gathering that you may fear getting hurt in a relationship, so you think waiting until marriage is the best idea? Possibly you feel once he marries you and you have sex, there is no way he will leave you? Have you been treated poorly in the past, and used for sex? Were you abused? I may be completely off, but I'm getting this vibe. It doesn't sound like a normal situation in the least. If this is not the case, you must have been raised to think its a whore to do sexual acts period. Again, not normal. I understand waiting until marriage to have intercourse, but it sounds like you are against all other forms of sexual activities.
Author conehead Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 You say you are NOT religious at all, than why are you so strictly against the entire issue? Normally, people who restrict sex until marriage, are very religious, if not a little. I didn't read all the posts(it is too exhausting), but based on a few of them, I am gathering that you may fear getting hurt in a relationship, so you think waiting until marriage is the best idea? Possibly you feel once he marries you and you have sex, there is no way he will leave you? Have you been treated poorly in the past, and used for sex? Were you abused? I may be completely off, but I'm getting this vibe. It doesn't sound like a normal situation in the least. If this is not the case, you must have been raised to think its a whore to do sexual acts period. Again, not normal. I understand waiting until marriage to have intercourse, but it sounds like you are against all other forms of sexual activities. Like I said before, I'm asian, and the asian culture is very strict about that. Just because it's not 'normal' to YOU and your standards, doesn't mean that is not normal.
Author conehead Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 I really feel bad for you that this is how you were brought up. Sex is a beautiful wonderful part of being in love and being intimate. I really feel bad for anyone who was conditioned into feeling guilty about it. Surely one should wait for sex until they are ready, and no relationship should jump into it, but when you're really in love with someone, in my opinion making love to that person is sublime. A marriage certificate is just a piece of paper in comparison. That's just me though. Kids I agree with you on though. If you can't make up your minds to commit to be married to each other, having kids is a bad idea. In the end, you really shouldn't do anything you're not comfortable with... but I think you need to find a different boyfriend who holds the same ideals that you do. Kids is also a wonderful thing as well and I can't wait for the day I can have my children...but like you said it's a bad idea when you're not committed to be married. I feel the same way bout sex. Sex is something that is special...and when I have sex, it feels like I'm giving a part of myself (a profound part) to that person...and I don't think it's a good idea to give myself when we're not even committed to be married. It's along the same mindset. Marriage to me is more than just a piece of paper. It's a bit contradictory to say you wont have kids until your married but at the same time say marriage is just a piece of paper. I think it has significance to a certain extent for most people.
Gemini09 Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Like I said before, I'm asian, and the asian culture is very strict about that. Just because it's not 'normal' to YOU and your standards, doesn't mean that is not normal. I see. I must have missed the asian part. Well, if its part of your culture, that is who you are. There is nothing wrong with it, I suppose. I would probably suggest finding someone who is of the same culture and beliefs though, or its going to be hard. If someone truly loves you, they could wait until marriage, but crossing out most sexual acts, seems a bit too much.
girl68 Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 I am considered a person of these cultures, and there are alot of people who have the same beleifes as me because we were brought up the same way. Are you suggesting we all have issues? Do you get what I mean and how your suggestion doesn't really make sense to me? NO, I said that before, no- I'm not suggesting ALL people who believe this have issues, I'm drawing conclusions about you, from what YOU said. What I'm trying to point out to you is that if a man finds you sexy and you're not married he's not allowed to convey this to you. So if same said man marries you he's now allowed to find you sexy. He can't turn on the switch like that! That or he switched off that switch and now believe that his little wife doesn't desire to be sexy- ever.
girl68 Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Like I said before, I'm asian, and the asian culture is very strict about that. Just because it's not 'normal' to YOU and your standards, doesn't mean that is not normal. I'm asian and have dated them exclusively- never in my life have I met more honry, sexual people. Sorry- this is where you are wrong.
Author conehead Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 I'm asian and have dated them exclusively- never in my life have I met more honry, sexual people. Sorry- this is where you are wrong. Not all Asians are brought up that way. Traditional ones are. I have Asian friends who are like me and wait for marriage until sex, and some who don't. Things aren't as black and white.
Gemini09 Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 I'm asian and have dated them exclusively- never in my life have I met more honry, sexual people. Sorry- this is where you are wrong. This brings a thought to mind. I knew this one guy who strictly dates asian women. His implication of why he dates them, was because they are much more horny than other women. Of course that is just his opinion. I think I've heard this line more than once though. Interesting huh I realize that does not conclude all asians are like this.
BCCA Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Not all Asians are brought up that way. Traditional ones are. I have Asian friends who are like me and wait for marriage until sex, and some who don't. Things aren't as black and white. I'm all but sure there is more to it than your culture. If that was it, you would never have done it. Im guessing you have either been sexually assualted, felt forced into doing something, or have some self esteem issues. I really hope thats not the case, but to do something, and then say you cant anymore, is just not normal. And most of the other stuff youve added, IMHO, is anecdotal. Youre looking for reasons to feel a certain way outside of why you actuall do.
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