Author conehead Posted August 12, 2009 Author Posted August 12, 2009 Youre right, this guys is SUCH a pig if he expects the only woman he wants in his life to care about his sexual needs. What a jerk! Not selfish of you at all to expect a guy to wait indefinitely, or do anything and everything else on your tems, right? I don't think it's selfish of me to ask him what I asked, yet I also don't think it would be selfish/wrong for him to walk away from me because of what I ask. I don't think anyone is a jerk/bitch here...I think if it doesnt work out, its cuz of incompatibility. Alot of people don't wait for marriage to have sex, but alot of people also wait and end of having sex. There are couples who don't even sleep in the same bed together. It's whatever works for people I think. I'm not demanding him to do something, but the nature of this issue makes it something I cant compromise with. I tried to compromise for a few months but in the end I just couldn't. I asked him if he can try to refrain from sex acts, and we'll see how it goes from there. We want to work it out.
Devil Inside Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I don't think it's selfish of me to ask him what I asked, yet I also don't think it would be selfish/wrong for him to walk away from me because of what I ask. I don't think anyone is a jerk/bitch here...I think if it doesnt work out, its cuz of incompatibility. Alot of people don't wait for marriage to have sex, but alot of people also wait and end of having sex. There are couples who don't even sleep in the same bed together. It's whatever works for people I think. I'm not demanding him to do something, but the nature of this issue makes it something I cant compromise with. I tried to compromise for a few months but in the end I just couldn't. I admire you for having integrity and sticking with what you believe in. I also admire that you will respect his decision either way.
reservoirdog1 Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 To me, it's simple. You believe that sexual activity, whether intercourse or "outercourse", should wait until after marriage. Your BF believes that sexual activity should be a part of your relationship now, before marriage. It doesn't really matter who's right or wrong, in terms of physical, emotional, psychological, or relationship health. It's totally irrelevant. What IS relevant is that you both have strong views on a very important subject, and that your views are completely incompatible. And if one of you won't change your view, or if you both won't in order to meet in the middle somewhere, the relationship is probably doomed. So, in discussing this with him, that's where you should focus your energy: on whether or not either or both of you are willing to modify your positions.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 if my bf truly truly loves me, then hopefully he can accept that in the grand scheme of things, a few years of no sex is not that bad A few years of sex (or any sexual contact) is not that bad? I wonder how many men who are stuck in sexless relationships with women they love would agree?
Thaddeus Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 if my bf truly truly loves me, then hopefully he can accept that in the grand scheme of things, a few years of no sex is not that badOh, so it's a test of his devotion then. I wonder how the OP would feel if he said to her, "Hey, if you truly loved me, you'd let me ravage you anytime I wanted." I don't think it will be the lack of sex that will drive the OPs man away; it will be the tests and manipulations that she's starting to pull. What self-respecting man will put up with that?
Jimmy's_Brother Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 What self-respecting man will put up with that? Not a one, but that's the point. This guy is like me in the past. Hanging onto a GF b/c he's scared he'll never find another one. Clearly he's too much of a puss to express his needs, so this "relationship" will linger until it fizzles out, once his resentment can no longer be contained.
Author conehead Posted August 12, 2009 Author Posted August 12, 2009 Oh, so it's a test of his devotion then. I wonder how the OP would feel if he said to her, "Hey, if you truly loved me, you'd let me ravage you anytime I wanted." I don't think it will be the lack of sex that will drive the OPs man away; it will be the tests and manipulations that she's starting to pull. What self-respecting man will put up with that? I think you are twisting this into something its not. This is not a test. I did try really hard with the compromise (no sex, but we still did stuff) and it's just not working for me. That's why I put it off for so many months...but in the end, I just felt bad and believe I needed to tell him.
BCCA Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I think you are twisting this into something its not. This is not a test. I did try really hard with the compromise (no sex, but we still did stuff) and it's just not working for me. That's why I put it off for so many months...but in the end, I just felt bad and believe I needed to tell him. I think what hes saying is that your post about him 'waiting a few years if he loved you enough' is kind of misplaced. I think I speak for many of us when I say I loved my ex to death, but what she was offering - wasnt good for me. So, its not that he just doesnt love you enough if he cant wait it out, he has to be realistic with himself. Much better to walk away than to stick it out unhappily and cheat, no? But it seems as though you are being understanding about everything, and realize the if he does walk away, its not because hes a bad guy or a pervert. As long as you maintain that mindset, youre fine. You set your own boundries, just understand that some people wont like them. Thats just life.
BCCA Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 CONEHEAD.....I think people are a bit intimidated that you can refrain yourself from sex for so long. As you may have noticed, a lot of people on here do A LOT of pickle/penis hunting. What do you expect their responses to be? Seriously..... To be fair, waiting on sex is by far the minority. So looking at it from that standpoint, people are obviously going to mostly be on the other side. There is nothing wrong with either, you just make your own boundries, and people like them or they dont. As long as neither side is saying 'this is the only way it can be', everyone is fine.
dreamergrl Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 The problem I have with this, is your stepping backwards. You are taking certain things from him that you've already given him. Also, it took you two months to tell him. Is that fair? You both could have been with someone that suits you better sexually.
MissJoness Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I don't see how she's being manipulative. So what if she doesn't want to have sex anymore? It's her body and her right. He can either accept it or leave.
Els Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Why are people saying that what she's doing is wrong? Why is it okay for someone to choose to not move in with their partner til marriage but not okay for her to choose to not have sex til marriage? Why is it okay for someone to choose not to marry at all but not okay for her to choose not to have sex til marriage? There's no right and wrong about this. It's compatibility and priorities. If sex is a priority for her man but she doesn't want it til marriage then they're incompatible, that's that. Nobody's wrong and nobody's right. FYI plenty of people, both men and women, wait til marriage, especially where I live. I personally do not think it's a good idea, but hey, whatever floats their boat. Religious conservative Asians almost always wait. My ex-bf's ex and he did not have sex for 1.5 years. At 21, I was the first woman he'd ever seen naked IRL (yes I'm pretty darned sure that this is the truth, any cynics should remember that they do not know him and I do). Many of my friends confide in me that they do not have sex with their partners either. She needs to find someone compatible with her views... church boys make good candidates. But she's not WRONG.
reservoirdog1 Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I wonder how the OP would feel if he said to her, "Hey, if you truly loved me, you'd let me ravage you anytime I wanted." Conehead, I don't have a problem believing that you're not trying to test him. And like I said, your position on sex before marriage is valid and worthy of respect. However, his position is as well. And he'd be perfectly within the bounds of reason to put the above question to you, in response to you saying "if you love me, you'll wait." Again, the problem between you two is one of incompatibility. The only way it will work is if one or both of you changes your stance.
BCCA Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I don't see how she's being manipulative. So what if she doesn't want to have sex anymore? It's her body and her right. He can either accept it or leave. Ok, she is NOT WRONG, but if he doesnt accept it, HE IS NOT WRONG, EITHER! I think part of the problem is that in our society, its perfectly fine for women to withold sex, but if the guys leaves because of it, hes a total pervert who just wants to get laid. As long as we can all agree that NEITHER would be wrong, just incompatible, I think we are all saying the same thing.
Els Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 She already said that she would understand if he chose to leave because of it.
WineCountry Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Ok, she is NOT WRONG, but if he doesnt accept it, HE IS NOT WRONG, EITHER! I think part of the problem is that in our society, its perfectly fine for women to withold sex, but if the guys leaves because of it, hes a total pervert who just wants to get laid. As long as we can all agree that NEITHER would be wrong, just incompatible, I think we are all saying the same thing. This. This. I have a question for Conehead. Did " something " happen to you in your life? Some type of molesting or sexual assault? Now, y'all dont jump on me by saying that just because a woman wants to obstain from sex, it must mean that she has some issue. Certainly, that is NOT true in all cases. But it could be true in SOME. Just the 'way' she says some things..like because her boyfriend called her sexy, she felt "degraded". It was ok for him to call her beautiful..but not 'sexy'. Being sexy to her seems 'dirty'. Most women would love for their men to find them sexy. Cone..do you find sex to be....dirty?? Does sex or the thought of it make you feel dirty? Because im sorry but that is not normal. If you just truly feel like sex is a beautiful thing to be shared once you are bound in marriage, and you cant wait to share this with your one and only in holy matrimony..then ok. But, if you feel sex is just 'bad' and the only way to make it good is to be married..then id be worried. How does a guy know if you just dont have some sexual hangup? Regardless, I would just cut this guy loose, because I'll bet he wont be around long. Myabe he will, but i dont think its likely. He probably thought you would change your mind. Maybe trying to find one of those religious zealots or something might work better for you. And im being serious. You may have more chance of finding people with a strict attitude about sex like you have.
BCCA Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 She already said that she would understand if he chose to leave because of it. She also said if he loved her, he could wait a few years to get laid. I think there is more to it than simply the act of sex or sexual stuff, but thats just me.
Chubbi Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Maybe trying to find one of those religious zealots or something might work better for you. And im being serious. You may have more chance of finding people with a strict attitude about sex like you have. Religious zealots? She doesn't have to date a religious zealot! Listen conehead, if you want some hope, the cool, teen rockband "the Jonas Brothers" are saving themselves for marriage too . They wear virginity rings. (I'm not taking comments on this so you can flame me if you want) What I mean is you don't have to be religious or assaulted to refrain from sex, and I don't like when people say that. Normal is what you define it. There are celibate men out there, there are hopeless romantic men, younger guys, w/e. You do what makes you comfortable!
dreamergrl Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 The Jonas Brothers kind of scare me, and not for that reason.
carhill Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 OP, what would your BF think of stepping up the timeline and you moving? If you're serious about each other, no reason to not have a long engagement and live within proximity to each other. IMO, the longer this LDR/waiting for sex stuff goes on, the less likely a LTR will result. It's easy to blow up ten years of your life on this kind of stuff. BTDT....
Author conehead Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 OP, what would your BF think of stepping up the timeline and you moving? If you're serious about each other, no reason to not have a long engagement and live within proximity to each other. IMO, the longer this LDR/waiting for sex stuff goes on, the less likely a LTR will result. It's easy to blow up ten years of your life on this kind of stuff. BTDT.... Thing is, HE's the one who would be moving if we're ever to be together in proximity. That was the decision from the very beginning. Also, we decided that he'd only move here if were were at least engaged. I don't want to pressure him to move here early or to get engaged...it's way too soon for that. Besides, I know him well enough that he'd bring both things up when he's ready for it. I sort of hinted at him moving when I asked about his job and whether he's thinking of staying there or he's going to find a new job...and his response was that he's planning of staying there for awhile for now. To me, that means he ain't going to give up his job/life in his current city anytime soon. Since we've only been official for 8 months, I don't even want to ask him about getting engaged lol.
carhill Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 So what compromise can you envision for yourself? You want to stay where you are; you want to wait until married to have sexual relations; you want to wait a substantial amount of time before even considering an engagement. Take a hard look at what your giving and what he's giving. This is really critical stuff to have a healthy relationship. If things go one way, it's usually an off-ramp to singledom. My marriage was an example of that. If one bends too far, they break. I hope this advice finds a home
Author conehead Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 I wouldnt be against being engaged, but that is something I can feel he doesn't want anytime soon. He already said he doesnt want to get married or have kids for a long while later. I agree with you on many things. Our relationship right now has a LONG timeline -- I see it being at least 3 years before we'd be engaged. But that's the thing, I guess I realized that since it's gonna be SO long before we'd be engaged/married, there's no way I can do this sex stuff for that long...I'd eventually break from it! I'm not religious at all...but yes sex before marriage just feels wrong for ME personally (not a generalization on other people who have sex before marriage). It's almost like Catch 22 lol.
norajane Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 But that's the thing, I guess I realized that since it's gonna be SO long before we'd be engaged/married, there's no way I can do this sex stuff for that long. May I ask why you think sex will be ok after marriage? It's just the way you said it - "no way I can do this sex stuff for that long" - that makes me think you don't enjoy sex or have issues with it. Those issues may not go away after you get married. Is your issue that having sex with your bf makes you feel like that's become the only important thing in your relationship to him? Or does sex make you uncomfortable in general?
Author conehead Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 May I ask why you think sex will be ok after marriage? It's just the way you said it - "no way I can do this sex stuff for that long" - that makes me think you don't enjoy sex or have issues with it. Those issues may not go away after you get married. Is your issue that having sex with your bf makes you feel like that's become the only important thing in your relationship to him? Or does sex make you uncomfortable in general? I enjoy sex and all that stuff, but perhaps because of the way I was brought up, sex outside of marraige (along with living together and having kids outside of marriage) makes me feel kind of like a whore (sorry if this offends anyone...this is just how I feel about MYSELF but I have nothing against other people doing it). I'd love to eventually live with my bf and have kids, but those are things to be done after marriage for me. I've never lived with a bf before, but if you asked me 2 years ago I'd have no problem with that. But over the years, I came to believe that I'd rather save these things for marriage.
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