Soul Bear Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Can I tell you, without trying to offend you, why I think no-sex-before-marriage marriages are a bad idea? In a nutshell, it's so important to establish sexual compatibility before signing your life over to someone that it will make or break the relationship. I disagree a little. My ex fiance was not the best partner i have ever had in bed, and im sure i was the same, but the connection was strong. This taught me over our 5 years together that sex was not the be all and end all. Far from it... I have the conclusion that every d i c k and every p u s s y is the same....it's the person that is different
Soul Bear Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I think it depends on how much OP is withholding though. I mean no sexual intimacy can mean so much. No kissing? Necking? Cuddling? Also, dang it, I'm still confused, I thought they had some sort of 'touching' going on, then back that off now? I'm confused too!! There has to be SOMETHING.....anyhting |I had 2 good friends who were from South Afica, they were together for 7 years and did no sex before marriage, i asked them bluntly if they did anything else, and they said ''of course! Just not all the way''...basicly foreplay. OP if you deny him that, your likely to lose him
carhill Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Also, dang it, I'm still confused, I thought they had some sort of 'touching' going on, then back that off now? Good point Dreamer... OP, if you're still reading, this is where you can learn from this experience, regardless of how it turns out. Set your boundaries and communicate them. Be consistent. As a man, when a woman 'acts' one way during the attraction phase and then becomes her 'real' self later, after I've become attached, it is the impetus for much resentment on my part. In that regard, if I'm reading your timeline correctly, this could be how your BF feels, like you acted one way and then became someone different later. With a philosophy such as yours about sexual intimacy, IMO, it is important to clearly communicate it early in the dating phase. This would usually happen when physical intimacy escalates as you become familiar with each other and attraction continues. For example, if I met a woman with whom I felt a connection and rapport, I would advise her early on that I was married, becoming divorced and wasn't looking for an intimate relationship until after being divorced. At that point, she could decide to proceed or not. She has good information to base that decision on, both from our communication and her experience.
boogieboy Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Coneheads BF will eventually run off when he meets another woman in his area that has sex with him. Could be a couple months, could be years. Im sure Conehead realizes that she has greatly narrowed her niche in the dating pool. If this guy doesnt work out it will take her MUCh longer to find someone that is marriage worthy, that will wait for sex. Especially if she keeps doing LDR's. If they get married and then get divorced, she will have to start all over again. Once that bilogical clock starts ticking, I wager at some point in her late 30's she will realize that as a grown woman she shouldnt be afraid of what her parents will say about sex, its her life not theirs. She wont want to grow old alone for a principle she doesnt even believe in. And she will realize that she doesnt have much longer to have children, and will have to change her lifestyle again. You dont want to be an old bride honey!
browneyedgirl28 Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Many guys would not approve of waiting until marriage for sex. There would at least have to be some kissing, and other sexual stuff going on. I didn't read everything on here, so I'm not sure what no sexual intimacy is referring to exactly. If you are just talking about intercourse, then if a guy really respects you and cares about, he would stick it out. It would be very difficult, but I'm sure people do it all the time. I think maybe that is something you should tell someone up front though.
Author conehead Posted August 12, 2009 Author Posted August 12, 2009 I think it depends on how much OP is withholding though. I mean no sexual intimacy can mean so much. No kissing? Necking? Cuddling? Also, dang it, I'm still confused, I thought they had some sort of 'touching' going on, then back that off now? lol ok just to clear it up, kissing and making out, cuddling, all ok! Just no rubbing of genitals and boobies (ie sexual organs)...but all other touching is fine.
Scottdmw Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Conehead, if that's what you believe about sex I would say stick to it. I'm a guy and I agree with you. Everyone is going to say that you cause yourself problems but I think it causes more problems to have sex before marriage. People will talk about sexual incompatibility, but I think that sex is rarely or never really the root issue there. When people are married and they have sexual problems, the sexual problems are a symptom of relationship problems, not the other way around. If things don't work out with your current boyfriend, keep looking. You'll find a man that feels the same way you do. Scott
dreamergrl Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 OP- have you had se x before ? She said she has in her OP but not with this guy, dry sex with this guy tho... So I assume that dry sex means that you've done some rubbing. Do you understand why it's going to be hard to go backwards?
browneyedgirl28 Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 lol ok just to clear it up, kissing and making out, cuddling, all ok! Just no rubbing of genitals and boobies (ie sexual organs)...but all other touching is fine. No rubbing boobs? Ok, I don't get that at all.
ProudMumOf2 Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I'm a little confused as to why people who are quite sexually oriented are pointing out how sex is a big part of a relationship. It's quite clear that if you value sex quite highly then it's a big part of a relationship for you. For a lot of people sex is not a big part of a relationship. I have known many couple who have abstained before marriage and it has worked for them. Similarly I have known many people who have not abstained and their relationship was terrible. But this is beside the point.... the OP has not asked whether she should abstain or not, it is clear the OP has already made a decision abstain, so why don't people respect her decision and focus on the problem?. When people talk about sexual issues does anyone go onto their threads and tell them they shouldn't have sex because they think they know best?
Birdy Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 No rubbing boobs? Ok, I don't get that at all. Wait, since when is a boob a sexual organ? It's a mammary gland... a milk factory for feeding babies...
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Cone, nothing you say or do is going to make your boyfriend see it from your point of view. He isn't going to find you more sexy or attractive, or appreciate you more for cutting off sexual acts. He is going to see it as a rejection, will become angry and frustrated and will look for outlets. Don't be surprised if he becomes a porn hound or just plain old cheats on you with a girl who makes him feel sexy, loved and appreciated.
Devil Inside Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I'm a little confused as to why people who are quite sexually oriented are pointing out how sex is a big part of a relationship. It's quite clear that if you value sex quite highly then it's a big part of a relationship for you. For a lot of people sex is not a big part of a relationship. I have known many couple who have abstained before marriage and it has worked for them. Similarly I have known many people who have not abstained and their relationship was terrible. But this is beside the point.... the OP has not asked whether she should abstain or not, it is clear the OP has already made a decision abstain, so why don't people respect her decision and focus on the problem?. When people talk about sexual issues does anyone go onto their threads and tell them they shouldn't have sex because they think they know best? I don't think they are trying to convince her to change her position as much as they are saying that if he wants to have premarital sex it is going to be tough for the relationship to make it. Personally, sex is really, really, really important to me. I love intensity, passion, and the connection from sex. However, not everyone is like me...cool. Just saying someone like me and someone like her would never last. This guy may be more on my end of the spectrum..that's to be seen. I respect her position to not have sex before marriage..admirable. But I could never do it.
carhill Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Wait, since when is a boob a sexual organ? It's a mammary gland... a milk factory for feeding babies... Some women's nipples have a direct connection to their clitoris. My wife was like that. To me, it sounds like the OP is sexual but has made a conscious choice to abstain from intercourse or sexual touching and contact. At a younger age, I would have no issues with dating her. As I've aged, my perspective and preferences have changed. OP, if this guy isn't the one, you'll find him. Just be clear within yourself.
Chubbi Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 "He's going to be upset and leave her..." So what? Are you guys going to scare her into having sex so her guy won't leave her? If he's that whimpy, he isn't worth the time. Saying stuff like, "He's going to cheat" "you've lowered your dating pool" "your biological clock is ticking" is scaring her into doing something she doesn't want to do. She doesn't want to have sex with this guy so leave it alone and don't give her ultimatums. Op, you call your shots and you stick to them. Don't let people scare you into having sex- you do what you want to do. And you have sex when you feel ready to do so! Don't let people use scare tactics on you just so you can have sex with another person when you don't want to. Really- the nerve of some people!
dreamergrl Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I don't think anyone is trying to convince her to have sex with him. But she's done certain acts with him that she now wants to stop doing. He's going to have a hard time understanding - most people would. Withholding something you've already given is comparable to emotional blackmail, and while it may not be the case, it's going to come off like it. It is completely her choice, however, she needs to understand that with that choice comes limitations. Just as there's nothing wrong with her choice, there's nothing wrong with a person making the choice to find someone that fits in with them better. So it wont make me a bad person should he decide that he wants to find someone that is willing to make love to him, or at least continue with what has already been done.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 It isn't her decision not to have sex or sexual contact that is the issue. It is the manipulative nature of it. It is "I don't want to have sexual contact anymore because he isn't acting the way I want him to act, and am throwing in 'until marriage' in there to subtly push him in a direction where he will move closer to me and want to marry me" not... "It is my belief that sexual contact before marriage is wrong, and therefore am going to stick to what I believe in"
carhill Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Conventional wisdom dictates that she's manipulating completely wrong. In most similar circumstances, the woman uses sex (lots of it) to manipulate the man into marrying her, then ends it
GorillaTheater Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 There's nothing wrong with the path Conehead has chosen. As Carhill said, it's her path; she merely has to own it and the consequences. And having four daughters, I admit the appeal to me personally of her choice to limit sex. (I know what men are like. I used to be one before I got married. ) But as I've pointed out to Conehead in the past, with no response from her end, a review of her thread history reveals one seeming excuse after another why she's contemplating breaking up with her bf. Her first post on this thread reveals her belief that the relationship will soon be over. So yes, I think she's being manipulative, but not necessarily for the reasons previously stated. Rather, I think she's trying to maneuver him into breaking up with her, because she doesn't want the relationship to continue but doesn't want to be the one who does it. And I'm curious as to why that is.
boogieboy Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 There's nothing wrong with the path Conehead has chosen. As Carhill said, it's her path; she merely has to own it and the consequences. And having four daughters, I admit the appeal to me personally of her choice to limit sex. (I know what men are like. I used to be one before I got married. ) But as I've pointed out to Conehead in the past, with no response from her end, a review of her thread history reveals one seeming excuse after another why she's contemplating breaking up with her bf. Her first post on this thread reveals her belief that the relationship will soon be over. So yes, I think she's being manipulative, but not necessarily for the reasons previously stated. Rather, I think she's trying to maneuver him into breaking up with her, because she doesn't want the relationship to continue but doesn't want to be the one who does it. And I'm curious as to why that is. OH MAN! and the twist is revealed!!!!!
Author conehead Posted August 12, 2009 Author Posted August 12, 2009 There's nothing wrong with the path Conehead has chosen. As Carhill said, it's her path; she merely has to own it and the consequences. And having four daughters, I admit the appeal to me personally of her choice to limit sex. (I know what men are like. I used to be one before I got married. ) But as I've pointed out to Conehead in the past, with no response from her end, a review of her thread history reveals one seeming excuse after another why she's contemplating breaking up with her bf. Her first post on this thread reveals her belief that the relationship will soon be over. So yes, I think she's being manipulative, but not necessarily for the reasons previously stated. Rather, I think she's trying to maneuver him into breaking up with her, because she doesn't want the relationship to continue but doesn't want to be the one who does it. And I'm curious as to why that is. GT, I'm not trying to break up me and my bf. I have doubts and uncertainty about our r/s, but not to the point where i know for sure I want us to end. Sadly, given these issues of incompabititliy on top of the LDR, it's not a good sign for us. Really, I'm not trying to manipulate my bf. If I can do it again, I'd say no sex/sex-related acts from the very beginning...but I can't do that now since as someone said the cat's out of the bag. Perhaps I just remind myself that if my bf truly truly loves me, then hopefully he can accept that in the grand scheme of things, a few years of no sex is not that bad, if in exchange is a lifetime of marriage with someone he really loves. I think I just have to work at reminding him that I'm doing this not because I'm rejecting him, but rather for my own sense of integrity. I also have told him that I truly believe if we refrain from sex acts now that we'd be building a stronger emotional foundation for marriage and we'd have a happier marriage....which he ofcourse doesnt buy since I think very few people can, but that is truly what I think. It took me years before I came to this conclusion though so it's not easy for someone to understand.
BCCA Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Perhaps I just remind myself that if my bf truly truly loves me, then hopefully he can accept that in the grand scheme of things, a few years of no sex is not that bad, if in exchange is a lifetime of marriage with someone he really loves. The problem is that this is a very selfish view, but since it involves a woman witholding sex from a man, no one has really pointed that out. Its not fair to make a guy out to be a complete sleaze because he wants to have sex, or at least be sexually satisfied, but the woman he calls his girlfriend. There are people out there that cheat, hire hookers, and fulfill their sexual needs any and everywhere. A guy thats fine with you being the only outlet for sexual gratification is doing no wrong by coming to you to get his wants/needs met. And what you are completely refusing to look at is that your argument is completely one sided, and he could reasonably make the exact opposite statement, but you would refuse it. Im not saying anyone is right or wrong, just appears like utter incompatibility. Also, you need to tell a guy this from the jump and never do anything once you wont do again. Thats really just mean, and never, ever going to work. I also have told him that I truly believe if we refrain from sex acts now that we'd be building a stronger emotional foundation for marriage and we'd have a happier marriage....which he ofcourse doesnt buy since I think very few people can, but that is truly what I think. It took me years before I came to this conclusion though so it's not easy for someone to understand. Here is the problem I would see if I was him: even if he waits, whats to say youre going to sleep with him after marrige? And if you do, is this going to happen regularly or like once every 6 months? Know what the answer is? He doesnt know! He wont unti he goes ahead and marries you, and potentially wastes years of his life for something that could STILL not be what hes looking for. You are entitled to your own opinion, but I think you are masking your true motivation. I think that for whatever reason, you think that giving it up means he could leave you afterward, while making him wait until he marries you is a sure fire way to keep a man. Its not going to work. Guys want to get off, and if you wont help them there, they will find someone who will. You should probably seek out virgins or religious guys who could follow your line of thinking, 95% of the male population just wont.
browneyedgirl28 Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Guys want to get off, and if you wont help them there, they will find someone who will. That sounds real nice. Yeah, she is so selfish. She is withholding a MAN from getting off. The world is going to come to an end.
BCCA Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 That sounds real nice. Yeah, she is so selfish. She is withholding a MAN from getting off. The world is going to come to an end. Youre right, this guys is SUCH a pig if he expects the only woman he wants in his life to care about his sexual needs. What a jerk! Not selfish of you at all to expect a guy to wait indefinitely, or do anything and everything else on your tems, right?
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