2sunny Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 men equate sex with bonding to the one they are with. their way of feeling close and connected. have you had any counseling about your perspective regarding this intimacy (or lack of) you speak of, would you consider it?
Jimmy's_Brother Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Withholding sex is just another form of emotional abuse. Let your BF go for his own sake, so he can find someone who appreciates and respects his normal, biological needs.
dreamergrl Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I'd never be able to handle no sex till marriage.
bean1 Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Just to clear up a few things. We never had sex before, and we had this sex discussion a few months ago and i said I didn't want sex until marriage and he agreed. I've told him also at the time that eventhough we don't have full on sex that we have sex-related acts (which is what I called sexual intimacy in my thread, which includes sexual acts but without intercourse) and that it bothers me, but since we've already done it that its hard to go backwards so I said I was fine with it for now. He knows it does bother me though that we do sex related activities. The reason why I finally am telling him that I don't want to do all the other sex-related acts is because it sort of taints the relationship at this stage. He used to call me beautiful before...but now not anymore....and he only calls me stuff like sexy and he says I turn him on....I told him this 2 days ago...I told him that it feels somewhat degrading when he does that. And having this sex-related stuff when we aren't even married was making me feel degraded. He said he can see where I was coming from, but did not comment any further than that. Also, and this I did NOT bring up to him because I feel it's not the right time....is that in the past few weeks he's not as sweet as he used to with me. He is less affectionate...and I guess having sex acts with him when he doesnt treat me as well and makes me feel more degraded. I guess after having some experience, I've decided that if things don't work out with this bf, that with my next bf I'd tell him from the beginning that I don't want sex or sex-related activities before marriage at all. I guess It's unfortunate for my current bf that he is dating me during a transition phase for me....where I'm figuring myself out. I also told him sorry and that I apologize to bring this up even AFTER we've already done sex related acts. I told him I know it's unfair that I did that, but that it really was bothering me and I think it's important that I tell him since he is my bf. There is nothing wrong with not wanting sex before marriage. However, this is not his view and there is nothing wrong with his view either. One of the hugest components to a successful marriage/partnership is being compatible with sexual views. You and him or not. It sounds as if he is pulling away because this is not what he wants. Coming from HIS perspective, because I have been in his position, it is very insulting to feel that your partner does not want you sexually. I know that you want to wait until marriage, but when someone does not share that moral view, you just feel rejected and unworthy. Sorry. This is how it feels.
2sunny Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 i see this as a form of control. why do you have the need to control this situation? why not just allow it to evolve in a healthy way? you are only willing to have sexual intimacy on your terms... not taking into consider his feelings or perspective at all? that seems a bit selfish. also, the perspective that you have when he compliments you - or not - seems too much based upon your mind thinking too much about all of it. he's complimenting... it is what it is... it doesn't mean you need to twist and turn it all around to make it mean something it's not. maybe he was just appreciating you for you - nothing more - nothing less. and do you ever compliment him? give to him without expecting anything in return? i need to ask a question... is it possible you were sexually or emotionally abused in your younger years?
Jimmy's_Brother Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Coming from HIS perspective, because I have been in his position, it is very insulting to feel that your partner does not want you sexually. This. This. This. My ex withheld sex from me for months at a time. Granted, we were in an LDR for almost a year... but when we'd see each other, she'd still barely want to f*ck. Looking back, I think she was cheating on me, and definitely out of love... It was awful. I felt unattractive and guilty for wanting sex. GUILTY?! for wanting sex. That's right ladies and gentlemen, my ex was such an awful c*nt that she acted bothered by my sex drive. OP, you and your BF are not compatible. Let the poor man go so he can sew his wild oats.
carhill Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Let your BF go for his own sake, so he can find someone who appreciates and respects his normal, biological needs. So, when he's on a ship with 5000 other guys in the middle of the ocean, who meets those needs? Extreme example, but there ya go. If he's married, and his wife is back home, does he f*ck the prostitute in port? After all, he's meeting his needs, right? Humans have the capacity to determine what they want and need and also the capacity to choose how they bond to another human being. We don't have to be slaves to biology; that's what separates us from animals. If the only way a man can bond with another human being is through his penis, I feel sorry for that man. What a narrow existence. If the OP's BF is losing interest and showing less affection, even with some sexual intimacy, then he's likely not the right guy for her. He never bonded to her emotionally. It appears that, in totality, the same dynamic applies to her. Her perspective and family background have also impacted this relationship. OP, refresh my memory....when was this LDR scheduled to end and the two of you reside in the same locale? IMO, with your perspective, I would, if this relationship fails, counsel you to never again attempt a LDR.
Jimmy's_Brother Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 carhill, your points don't make any sense. It is our responsibility to attend to our S.O.'s sexual needs when we are in a relationship. If a chick had made a thread about how her BF won't have sex with her, do you think the consensus response would be, "Oh, just deal with it"? No way. Our hippie-dippie modern society says to side with women 99% of the time, regardless of the issue. Screw that. Her preferences are weird, but that's her life. His sexual well-being is HER responsibility IF she wants to continue the relationship.
Author conehead Posted August 12, 2009 Author Posted August 12, 2009 So, when he's on a ship with 5000 other guys in the middle of the ocean, who meets those needs? Extreme example, but there ya go. If he's married, and his wife is back home, does he f*ck the prostitute in port? After all, he's meeting his needs, right? Humans have the capacity to determine what they want and need and also the capacity to choose how they bond to another human being. We don't have to be slaves to biology; that's what separates us from animals. If the only way a man can bond with another human being is through his penis, I feel sorry for that man. What a narrow existence. If the OP's BF is losing interest and showing less affection, even with some sexual intimacy, then he's likely not the right guy for her. He never bonded to her emotionally. It appears that, in totality, the same dynamic applies to her. Her perspective and family background have also impacted this relationship. OP, refresh my memory....when was this LDR scheduled to end and the two of you reside in the same locale? IMO, with your perspective, I would, if this relationship fails, counsel you to never again attempt a LDR. Hi Carhill, thx for the kind words. When we started our LDR, we agreed that he'd move to my city (which is another issue...he really hates where I live because it's LA and it makes me wonder whether he'd actually move here when the time comes) when we are at least engaged. Since he's said a few times that he doesnt see himself getting married or having kids in a long time (he never specified how long, but I'm thinking AT LEAST 3 years), I think that our LDR is planned to remain long distance for a long long time sadly.
Birdy Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Can I tell you, without trying to offend you, why I think no-sex-before-marriage marriages are a bad idea? In a nutshell, it's so important to establish sexual compatibility before signing your life over to someone that it will make or break the relationship. Sure, you may say something like, "Oh, we're good Christians and a good relationship is about much more than sex." Well, sex is more than just sex. Especially for the man, he may stay with you because you're otherwise perfect for each other, but he WILL crack and need good sex with someone at some point, and that's where the porn addictions and affairs start. Or that might be you. Do you want that?
Sam Spade Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Sex is a HUGE part of a relationship.. most of the time, when sex doesn't work .. nothing else will.. truer words have never been spoken, haha, and I mean it in completely un-superficial way. While of course it is not possible to base a serious relationship just on sex, let's face it - that's the primary reason opposite genders are drawn together. So if thigs are not a-ok in that department, that indeed undermines a major part of the rationale to try to make a relationship work in the first place. as far as the OP is concerned, I would have had respect to your position if you never, ever had sex. But considering that you've slept with at least two dudes already, if i was your boyfriend i would feel played for a sucker and would have bailed instantly; If your parents have so much power over you *in your late 20s* maybe a relationship is not your primary concern right now.
Sam Spade Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 So, when he's on a ship with 5000 other guys in the middle of the ocean, who meets those needs? Extreme example, but there ya go. If he's married, and his wife is back home, does he f*ck the prostitute in port? After all, he's meeting his needs, right? Humans have the capacity to determine what they want and need and also the capacity to choose how they bond to another human being. We don't have to be slaves to biology; that's what separates us from animals. If the only way a man can bond with another human being is through his penis, I feel sorry for that man. What a narrow existence. If the OP's BF is losing interest and showing less affection, even with some sexual intimacy, then he's likely not the right guy for her. He never bonded to her emotionally. It appears that, in totality, the same dynamic applies to her. Her perspective and family background have also impacted this relationship. OP, refresh my memory....when was this LDR scheduled to end and the two of you reside in the same locale? IMO, with your perspective, I would, if this relationship fails, counsel you to never again attempt a LDR. Indeed extreme examples. Being sailor at sea and making a commitment are legitimate - and willingnly and happily self-imposed - barriers in front of those "needs". Completely different story when his own partner imposes those barriers on him. She is eneitled to her beliefs, of course, but she should be prepared for the consequences, which may or may not include acceptance, or may or may not include bailing out.
Soul Bear Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I think I would explode..... OP- unless you are BOTH solid on the fact that this is what you BOTH want to do i suggest you find out what happens when one party is not so keen on the idea.... I think you are setting yourself up for some major drama here...heartbreak, infidelity and lies....sorry, i could be wrong, but just a hunch... yikes.... Originally Posted by alphamale telling a man that there's an embargo on the sex is like telling a six year old no more candy and cartoons Quite funny how you made the connection of a man to a six year old. Some times they seem one and the same!! hahahahah:laugh::laugh::laugh: Your both to funny!!!! LMAO Carhill- spot on as always....
carhill Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 carhill' date=' your points don't make any sense. It is our [b']responsibility [/b]to attend to our S.O.'s sexual needs when we are in a relationship. If a chick had made a thread about how her BF won't have sex with her, do you think the consensus response would be, "Oh, just deal with it"? No way. Our hippie-dippie modern society says to side with women 99% of the time, regardless of the issue. Screw that. Her preferences are weird, but that's her life. His sexual well-being is HER responsibility IF she wants to continue the relationship. It doesn't make sense because we define needs differently. Sex is not a need, IMO, it is a method to procreate and to provide personal pleasure. It is not essential to existence. Go without water and food for a couple weeks and you'll have a better idea what needs are. A relationship is just that, a meeting of two minds by choice. There are no absolutes nor boundaries other than those established by the parties. When this gets to brass tacks, if he wants pre-marital sex and she doesn't, and neither is willing to compromise, there will not be a meeting of the minds (by choice) and the relationship will cease. I had the reverse of this issue with my wife where I gave her sex (as an expression of my love) and she (by her own admission) did not (and would not) meet my emotional needs. Irreconcilable differences. That doesn't mean either of us are bad people or damaged, just not compatible with each other. Time and growth brought those incompatibilities to the surface. I'll bet this is the same with the OP. If things had started out like they are now, they never would have developed a relationship. Indeed extreme examples. Being sailor at sea and making a commitment are legitimate - and willingnly and happily self-imposed - barriers in front of those "needs". Completely different story when his own partner imposes those barriers on him. Yes, but this underscores the human's ability and willingness to choose, and choose to ignore what has been proffered here as a 'need', and to do so freely. So, IMO, that ability is within the realm of the OP's BF's capacity as a human being. He can choose. I'm not advising him how to choose, nor would I judge him for making any specific choice. It's his path. How he chooses defines him as compatible or not for this relationship.
Thaddeus Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Sex is a HUGE part of a relationship.. most of the time, when sex doesn't work .. nothing else will.. Exactly. It's not just a huge part (no pun intended), it's the primary part. No sex = no relationship. May as well just be roommates.
Lizzie60 Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Exactly. It's not just a huge part (no pun intended), it's the primary part. No sex = no relationship. May as well just be roommates. Exactly...
Jimmy's_Brother Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 It doesn't make sense because we define needs differently. Sex is not a need, IMO, it is a method to procreate and to provide personal pleasure. It is not essential to existence. Go without water and food for a couple weeks and you'll have a better idea what needs are. OK, but c'mon. Enough with the semantics. I haven't gotten laid in... forever. Does that make it less of a "need" because I don't DIE when I don't get it? Using your definition of need - people don't "need" companionship, conversation, interaction, etc... we should all just sit in a room happily eating and drinking water. Just because having sex does not physically sustain your life force and being does NOT negate its importance. I can tell you that masturbation (the orgasm in general) is a NEED in my life. If I don't do it for days on end, it manifests itself elsewhere problematically in my life. It just sounds like you're projecting / attempting to justify the lack of sex in your own life in this thread. As I said, I haven't gotten laid in forever, but that doesn't make it any less of a NEED for me. If you're honest with yourself for twelve seconds, you'll admit it's a NEED for you, too.
carhill Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Well, considering the OP's revelation that her BF doesn't really want to move to her city, I doubt roommates will even be a possibility in the future. OP, I'll reiterate my advice, should this fail, to never do a LDR again. What you are proposing requires qualities that only a narrow segment of the male population possess and IMO constant and consistent personal contact is the only way to make it work. It CAN work, and do not let contrary opinions sway you. It's *your* path. Own it, including the consequences. Good luck
dreamergrl Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I'm feeling a little confused. OP has had some sort of sexual contact with bf right?
Soul Bear Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Well, considering the OP's revelation that her BF doesn't really want to move to her city, I doubt roommates will even be a possibility in the future. OP, I'll reiterate my advice, should this fail, to never do a LDR again. What you are proposing requires qualities that only a narrow segment of the male population possess and IMO constant and consistent personal contact is the only way to make it work. It CAN work, and do not let contrary opinions sway you. It's *your* path. Own it, including the consequences. Good luck wow...that pretty much sealed it! Well said
carhill Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 It just sounds like you're projecting / attempting to justify the lack of sex in your own life in this thread. As I said, I haven't gotten laid in forever, but that doesn't make it any less of a NEED for me. If you're honest with yourself for twelve seconds, you'll admit it's a NEED for you, too. Read my history (journals). I've lived a long, healthy (physically and mentally) and productive life without sex at the center of it. That's not *abnormal*, just because you and others here think it is. You don't define me. Those who care about and value me do. I do. I've found emotional starvation, often heard here from women about their men, to be far more injurious. OP, do you and/or your BF see sex as a "need"? That's really all that matters, for the purposes of your relationship. How you define it and the dynamic which surrounds it. BTW, for general consumption, no, I will not have sexual relations with anyone else while I'm still married. It's a personal philosophy. It doesn't apply to you
Jimmy's_Brother Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I never said it was abnormal, and I do not attempt to define you. My point is that sex IS a need, but I suppose that's just my opinion. @ carhill: not to get too personal, but do you masturbate? I can't fathom a world outside of "The Contest" in which one doesn't.
Soul Bear Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I have to agree here, that sex is not the be all and end all nor the centre of the relationship or life. Sex is an EXTRA- To sum it up- I sense some emotional immaturity from some answers on the board
dreamergrl Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I have to agree here, that sex is not the be all and end all nor the centre of the relationship or life. Sex is an EXTRA- To sum it up- I sense some emotional immaturity from some answers on the board I think it depends on how much OP is withholding though. I mean no sexual intimacy can mean so much. No kissing? Necking? Cuddling? Also, dang it, I'm still confused, I thought they had some sort of 'touching' going on, then back that off now?
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