conehead Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Finally, after months of holding back, I told my bf 2 days ago that I don't want any forms of sexual intimacy until marriage. See link below for the details. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t185896/ He didn't seem too happy and didn't understand why. I explained to him basically what I explained in the thread, but he thinks that a physical relationship should be part of a relationship. I understand his view, and don't blame him for thinking this way. I know that most guys won't opt for a relationship without sexual intimacy. He said that we should further discuss this when we see each other in person in 2 weeks (we have an LDR). He said this issue is frustrating, but it's not the end of the world. For now, we are trying our best to put this aside for now and resume our relationship until we have our discussion. I guess I'm a bit anxious, and I wonder what will happen in 2 weeks...but I sort of have this feeling that this is the beginning of the end .
bean1 Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 conehead, I used to date a man who did not believe in sex before marriage (3 years together), and I did not share that opinion. However, I really liked him (not in love, we were 18-21) so I stuck with it. Anyways, looking back, I wish I had left and enjoyed my time. If you are in an LDR, that physical connection may be all that more important. Sex truly is more than just sex, to a lot of people. This (no sex before marriage) is a view that you should probably share with your partner.
Devil Inside Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Sounds like he gave you a fair answer. It is hard to find a guy that will be ok with no physical intimacy until marriage. However, if you find that guy, he is a keeper. Try not to stress on the two weeks too much. You have stated your boundary, now he has the chance to either be ok or go on his way. Good luck.
girl68 Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 I respect your views on this but I completely disagree with it. In the next 2 weeks stay busy and keep your mind from wondering to the thought he may choose to leave. You present your views tastefully along with how you feel on the issue. He will also make his known. At that point it will up to him if he can agree to not get laid for what could be YEARS... There is another argument to consider food for thought: let's say that he's a super sexual guy, wants it all the time- lots of it, kinky sex, fun sex, outdoor sex, quickie sex (you get the idea). But he holds out until you're married. Then he discovers you're not all the sexual at all. You're more make love to me 2 times a month. You are indeed sexually incompatible. Just take one peak at the forums about wives (and husbands) who have no interest in sex- it leads to significant problems sometimes resulting in divorce. (It could be the other way too, you're super sexual- him not so much). Either way, you're doomed pretty much. Also consider: when you TRUELY love someone, in love with someone- you yearn to give your whole self to that person (vagina included). I understand your regret with the other guys- you didn't truely love them. You had sex for almost every other reason in the book besides really wanting to.
Devil Inside Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 I respect your views on this but I completely disagree with it. In the next 2 weeks stay busy and keep your mind from wondering to the thought he may choose to leave. You present your views tastefully along with how you feel on the issue. He will also make his known. At that point it will up to him if he can agree to not get laid for what could be YEARS... There is another argument to consider food for thought: let's say that he's a super sexual guy, wants it all the time- lots of it, kinky sex, fun sex, outdoor sex, quickie sex (you get the idea). But he holds out until you're married. Then he discovers you're not all the sexual at all. You're more make love to me 2 times a month. You are indeed sexually incompatible. Just take one peak at the forums about wives (and husbands) who have no interest in sex- it leads to significant problems sometimes resulting in divorce. (It could be the other way too, you're super sexual- him not so much). Either way, you're doomed pretty much. Also consider: when you TRUELY love someone, in love with someone- you yearn to give your whole self to that person (vagina included). I understand your regret with the other guys- you didn't truely love them. You had sex for almost every other reason in the book besides really wanting to. You bring up an excellent point. Sexual compatibility is very important. Without having sex prior to the marriage you are going to have to at least talk about it. Either way...I hope it works out.
alphamale Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 I guess I'm a bit anxious, you should be cause you may be looking for a new bf soon
Lizzie60 Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 It certainly would be the end for me.. I would never ever marry someone without knowing first if we are compatible in the sex department... Sex is a HUGE part of a relationship.. most of the time, when sex doesn't work .. nothing else will..
Saxis Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 He said that we should further discuss this when we see each other in person in 2 weeks (we have an LDR). He said this issue is frustrating, but it's not the end of the world. For now, we are trying our best to put this aside for now and resume our relationship until we have our discussion. I guess I'm a bit anxious, and I wonder what will happen in 2 weeks...but I sort of have this feeling that this is the beginning of the end . Not trying to rain on your parade, but as your feelings indicate, my hunch is that he is holding out for the next two weeks in hope that you change your mind. Not a good feeling to have no choice but to wait it out, but that's essentially what you're offering him, also.
dreamergrl Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 So when you say no sexual intimacy ... you mean like not even kissing? Like... "The Duggers"?
Devil Inside Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 It certainly would be the end for me.. I would never ever marry someone without knowing first if we are compatible in the sex department... Sex is a HUGE part of a relationship.. most of the time, when sex doesn't work .. nothing else will.. I once read that they polled people in relationships to ask them how important sex was to them: 10% of those in happy relationships said it was the main factor in their relationship. 90% of those unhappy said it was the most important thing. Point is, when there is no sex it becomes a HUGE issue. Or, if you're a freak like me, happy or not...it is really important.
WineCountry Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 you should be cause you may be looking for a new bf soon Aint that the truth. I would go so far as to remove the 'may' part and insert 'will'. But I digress.
alphamale Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 telling a man that there's an embargo on the sex is like telling a six year old no more candy and cartoons
WineCountry Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 So when you say no sexual intimacy ... you mean like not even kissing? Like... "The Duggers"? The Duggers dont kiss? I've never watched that show.......
hoping2heal Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Finally, after months of holding back, I told my bf 2 days ago that I don't want any forms of sexual intimacy until marriage. See link below for the details. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t185896/ He didn't seem too happy and didn't understand why. I explained to him basically what I explained in the thread, but he thinks that a physical relationship should be part of a relationship. I understand his view, and don't blame him for thinking this way. I know that most guys won't opt for a relationship without sexual intimacy. He said that we should further discuss this when we see each other in person in 2 weeks (we have an LDR). He said this issue is frustrating, but it's not the end of the world. For now, we are trying our best to put this aside for now and resume our relationship until we have our discussion. I guess I'm a bit anxious, and I wonder what will happen in 2 weeks...but I sort of have this feeling that this is the beginning of the end . Why were you so dishonest with him about it in the first place? If you knew you didn't want sex until marriage that is perfectly fine and your decision, but it's going to affect your partner a great deal so instead of "holding back" you should of just told him what were you planning all along. This reminds me of those guys that tell their girlfriends to wait a few months to get engaged and then spring it on them that they never want to get married. Well we'll see how he deals with it I guess.
WineCountry Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 telling a man that there's an embargo on the sex is like telling a six year old no more candy and cartoons Quite funny how you made the connection of a man to a six year old. Some times they seem one and the same!! hahahahah:laugh::laugh::laugh: har har har har har har:laugh::laugh: heheh
dreamergrl Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 The Duggers dont kiss? I've never watched that show....... The saw the marriage of the oldest son, first time they kissed was on their wedding day, after "I Do"
alphamale Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Quite funny how you made the connection of a man to a six year old. Some times they seem one and the same!! hahahahah:laugh::laugh::laugh: har har har har har har:laugh::laugh: heheh ha ha
Phateless Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Finally, after months of holding back, I told my bf 2 days ago that I don't want any forms of sexual intimacy until marriage. See link below for the details. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t185896/ He didn't seem too happy and didn't understand why. I explained to him basically what I explained in the thread, but he thinks that a physical relationship should be part of a relationship. I understand his view, and don't blame him for thinking this way. I know that most guys won't opt for a relationship without sexual intimacy. He said that we should further discuss this when we see each other in person in 2 weeks (we have an LDR). He said this issue is frustrating, but it's not the end of the world. For now, we are trying our best to put this aside for now and resume our relationship until we have our discussion. I guess I'm a bit anxious, and I wonder what will happen in 2 weeks...but I sort of have this feeling that this is the beginning of the end . Have you two been having sex up to this point? If I'm with a girl and she shuts down the sex I assume it means she doesn't like me enough anymore to sleep with me. At that point the whole relationship is a ticking time bomb. If you're a virgin and want to wait, that's a different story. He either has to accept it or move on.
carhill Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 OP, since you're pretty far into this relationship now and there should be some decent emotional bonds built up, disclosure should be expected to affect this. That presumed, what are you prepared to do to bend to make this work? IOW, it can't be all your way. Relationships don't work that way. I think a good first step would be the honest and open discussion with him of your experiences behind and reasons for making this decision for yourself. Invite him to listen and absorb. Do this in person, eye-to-eye. Hold hands. Be intimate. Disclose. Accept that, if he is the right man for you, he will have to bend as well and you can (and must) support each other in those compromises. What they will be is up to you. If neither of you compromises, it is over. Accept that potential. It's real. Myself, as a man who waited a long time to be sexually active, I would want to hear clear signals of intimacy as well as a timeline, not only for marriage, but for ending the LDR. Clear and honest communication. Any signs of unilateralism and I'd be out of there. I say that as someone who supports your philosophy. Remember, it is *your* philosophy and applies to no one but you. All other potentials are by aggreement. Best wishes
carhill Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 cough*Susan*cough It's her train wreck and she has the switch...
WineCountry Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 cough*Susan*cough It's her train wreck and she has the switch... Oh NO he did NOT just go there................... LOL
2sunny Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 i'm willing to bet money he walks away. you offered him NO intimacy until marriage? wt heck? that's like offering an empty box. intimacy is totally different than sex. are you sure you are clear on what you offered as your guideline? intimacy could be as simple as whispering in his ear while walking hand in hand... or having a fun conversation about your dreams... are you sure you got it right? your asking him to marry you without any closeness or bonding?
Author conehead Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 Just to clear up a few things. We never had sex before, and we had this sex discussion a few months ago and i said I didn't want sex until marriage and he agreed. I've told him also at the time that eventhough we don't have full on sex that we have sex-related acts (which is what I called sexual intimacy in my thread, which includes sexual acts but without intercourse) and that it bothers me, but since we've already done it that its hard to go backwards so I said I was fine with it for now. He knows it does bother me though that we do sex related activities. The reason why I finally am telling him that I don't want to do all the other sex-related acts is because it sort of taints the relationship at this stage. He used to call me beautiful before...but now not anymore....and he only calls me stuff like sexy and he says I turn him on....I told him this 2 days ago...I told him that it feels somewhat degrading when he does that. And having this sex-related stuff when we aren't even married was making me feel degraded. He said he can see where I was coming from, but did not comment any further than that. Also, and this I did NOT bring up to him because I feel it's not the right time....is that in the past few weeks he's not as sweet as he used to with me. He is less affectionate...and I guess having sex acts with him when he doesnt treat me as well and makes me feel more degraded. I guess after having some experience, I've decided that if things don't work out with this bf, that with my next bf I'd tell him from the beginning that I don't want sex or sex-related activities before marriage at all. I guess It's unfortunate for my current bf that he is dating me during a transition phase for me....where I'm figuring myself out. I also told him sorry and that I apologize to bring this up even AFTER we've already done sex related acts. I told him I know it's unfair that I did that, but that it really was bothering me and I think it's important that I tell him since he is my bf.
norajane Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 It sucks that something that should bring you closer actually ends up pulling you apart. I've seen that happen with guys - once the sexual activity ramps up, then it's all about the sex and having sex and when and how and somehow, the emotional and intellectual intimacy stops developing and it becomes all about the physical. If that's what you've been feeling, I can understand wanting to dial it back. But really, the cat's out of the bag. You can't. Your bf may want to try, but ultimately, it won't work out between you. He'll feel frustrated and you'll get upset and it will ultimately end.
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