llala Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Curiosity. They say that rebounds rarely last, once the person (s)'s "newness" fades away, and they face many aspects they despised about being in a relationship. If you recently started to date the "rebound" (even if its been 1 month, and you're happy), does going long distance (over 15 hour drive) make it nearly impossible for it to survive?
leap83 Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Yes. I believe so. I think you should deal with the feelings of the break-up and everything that comes with it. Resolve the issues. Learn the lessons. And then move on. Many people say that going into another relationship right after you break-up would be good, but don't be fooled. It's not. Because you have all of these emotions to deal with (break-up baggage) plus the emotions in a new relationship (if you even get them). Feelings from the break-up usually get in the way of feelings you have for the new person and it is just a mish-mash. So, heal first, then enter a new relationship. It is also very selfish to enter a relationship when you're not ready and unfair towards the other person.
Devil Inside Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 I think that it is not always a good idea to jump from one relationship into another until you have the time to work on your stuff that left over from the past relationship and break up. That being said...some people are healthy enough to start dating soon after. Your question seems fairly specific. Are you the one driving? Adding long distance to a rebound situation can be tricky. Take it slow is all I would say.
JLT123 Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Would you consider the relationaship a rebound if the person was with someone for 3 years, and they started dating someone else 6 months after?
silic0ntoad Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Well, honestly, most of the time they fail due to one of two things: In the US 40% of relationships are founded through infidelity. 40%! How can a relationship founded on such an insidious thing ever truly last? Secondly, most of the time, the person who rebounds is simply doing it to avoid being lonely, and nurture the heartache they feel from dumping someone- mainly to cure loneliness. So, once that fades, or the other person screws up, it's see ya, off to find what I really want. When people are weak and vulnerable they settle- and when someone is looking for a cure to lonliness whena relationship ends, they settle, and eventually outgrow the rebound. Just my two cents.
carhill Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Depends on what '6 months after' means. Six months after a clean break and no contact? Perhaps. Six months after solidifying an emotional detachment that had been on the books for some time? Good chance. Here's a criteria I will use for myself. Pertinent to a new person, if I think about my ex-spouse and/or talk about my ex-spouse and/or am reminded of my ex-spouse, I'm not yet healthy enough to give the new person my authentic self. The key is relevant to the new person; the new person triggers those thoughts and feelings. It's normal to have such thoughts and feelings, and it is normal to have them with a new person but it's not healthy, nor IMO fair to the new person. Example, though this did not happen to me: Say my ex-spouse cheated on me. If my thoughts and feelings focus on their cheating and that drives behaviors solely based on that cheating and I identify the behaviors as relevant to my ex-spouse, then that's not healthy for me. However, if I identify cheating as wrong and relevant to a personal boundary I have, and not relevant to any person, that is healthy for me. The same could be true if I were the one who cheated. The behaviors, responsibility and perspective must reside within and pertain to myself for them to be healthy for me. I see signs of this in my personal life, which is why I'm not out seeking a new relationship. It's not fair to the other person. I'm not whole yet, emotionally. BTW, I could describe myself much as the OP. My wife and I have little contact, have lived separately for a number of months and are proceeding through the divorce process. I'm generally happy. Got a new cat. Still not ready to date. YMMV
JLT123 Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 It's definitely the former.. we had maintained some form of contact througout the 6 months before she met this new person. During our last and, admitedly, ugly conversation, she said she didn't know if she liked him because she didn't know him, and was telling me the last time we spoke that she wouldn't be forgetting our last conversation for a while. Her words the last time we spoke were definitely a means to try and break an emotional attachment.
silic0ntoad Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Eh, my last conversation with the Ex wasn't the prettiest. We argued because she called me a liar about our dog needing heart surgery (He was a gift from me as a puppy to her, and low and behold, I now own him.) She got all uppity so I snapped, I told her, look, I'm not a liar, and to call me such after three and a half years to find justification in the hideousness of your actions is dastardly and rude. I then told her not to call me, about the dog, about me, about anything, and I wouldn't do the same. Three cheers to happiness!
leap83 Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Depends on what '6 months after' means. Six months after a clean break and no contact? Perhaps. Six months after solidifying an emotional detachment that had been on the books for some time? Good chance. Here's a criteria I will use for myself. Pertinent to a new person, if I think about my ex-spouse and/or talk about my ex-spouse and/or am reminded of my ex-spouse, I'm not yet healthy enough to give the new person my authentic self. The key is relevant to the new person; the new person triggers those thoughts and feelings. It's normal to have such thoughts and feelings, and it is normal to have them with a new person but it's not healthy, nor IMO fair to the new person. Example, though this did not happen to me: Say my ex-spouse cheated on me. If my thoughts and feelings focus on their cheating and that drives behaviors solely based on that cheating and I identify the behaviors as relevant to my ex-spouse, then that's not healthy for me. However, if I identify cheating as wrong and relevant to a personal boundary I have, and not relevant to any person, that is healthy for me. The same could be true if I were the one who cheated. The behaviors, responsibility and perspective must reside within and pertain to myself for them to be healthy for me. I see signs of this in my personal life, which is why I'm not out seeking a new relationship. It's not fair to the other person. I'm not whole yet, emotionally. BTW, I could describe myself much as the OP. My wife and I have little contact, have lived separately for a number of months and are proceeding through the divorce process. I'm generally happy. Got a new cat. Still not ready to date. YMMV Thanks for this comment. It really helped me understand male's perspective on this.
EmptyPromises Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 my ex was a rebound. i dated him for over a year. so i dont necessarily agree with the "rebounds dont last" thing, even tho we are broken up. he lasted a hell of alot longer then the previous ex.
silic0ntoad Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Well, granted it lasted a year, what happened? It ended. Most rebounds do. I consider any relationship that happens within 1/3rd the length of the prior relationship to be a rebound.
Recommended Posts