Fool? sorry so long...

[dw76]

Let me start with some history. Married right out of high school, now 30+ years, 2 adult children. My husband cheated in year 1--he never admitted it when I confronted him but I've since found out about it and he has acknowledged although no reason why/apology etc. In year 20 I caught him in a month long affair. I went to counseling alone (he doesn't believe in them). I learned that I was co-dependant and continued with therapy for a year. At the end of that time I felt strong and confident--went back to school, completed my education etc. He was extremely sorry and has changed a lot, for the better. We worked things out and I've thought that things have been quite good for a long time now. Last weekend he went on a yearly weekend trip (a couple hours away) with guy friends--all of these guys are great, I don't suspect any of them run around etc. The day he gets home, everything is fine, we're snuggling on the couch when his cell phone goes off with a text. (He doesn't text so this is odd). The msg is: "Are you still here" signed by a woman. Of course I question him and he immediately says it is nothing. This is the bartender at the place they were at--one of her close relatives had just died and the services were to be in our area. He said she was crying the previous night and he gave her his cell # and offered that she (and boyfriend...) could stay at our house if they needed. I am very upset with this. 1) how well does he know this woman? He says she was the bartender last year and this year, so 4 days total. I know he has not been back to this town except for those 2 trips. Who makes this kind of offer to a virtual stranger? He is not like that any other time. 2) how close was he to her that he feels the need to make this offer? He says the other guys were all there too, there was no one on one etc. He was drunk and felt sorry for her. The boyfriend wasn't there at the time but had been earlier... I told him that if it was all innocent then he should call her back. He did although I don't know that he would have if I hadn't insisted. It went to voicemail. She texted back and said she only had 10 min left on her phone so could only text. I then took the phone and texted back "what do you want". Her reply was "not a f...kin thing". no word from her since... i've checked the cell records. Am I getting upset over nothing? I truly do not think there was something going on, although it does seem to me that this is inappropriate behavior--and based on his history, had circumstances been different (he was alone...would something have happened?) His response is that if he was really trying to hide this would he offer her our home? I see the logic there but it is not typical of him to get involved in other peoples business so I don't understand this uncharacteristic offer of sensitivity... to another woman no less. Until now I've not thought of myself as an overly jealous woman--I had been in my early years but after the month long affair, I vowed to myself that I would not let that fear control my life. I have tried very hard to be strong and believe that I am a worthy person and do not have to be emotionally dependent on anyone. For a few years after the affair, I used to be bothered by the idea that I felt like I wasn't allowing myself to really love him like I had in the past for fear of setting myself up for heartbreak again. I think that has finally passed and do feel that I was loving him fully. Now this. All of the emotional scars from before have surfaced. On day 1 I was hurt and angry, but mostly hurt. Now day 2 & 3 and I am just angry. Part of me says stop making a mountain out of a mole hill. I said my piece and told him that stupid behavior like this is what causes divorce. He said he doesn't want that and knows he screwed up. Another part of me says this is a warning, that he hasn't really changed--the tiger stripes are still there like they always were. It makes me consider ending things now before I'm hurt again, but I don't want that--however I don't want to be the fool again either. I should mention that he always makes snide comments about me meeting up with my boyfriend etc. whenever I have to work late etc. It irritates me but I bite my tongue. I can't get the thought out of my mind that people who don't trust others are usually the people that can't be trusted. I'm all over the place on this.... any advice?

[silverfish]

The only strange thing about the whole story is her answer to the text 'not an f'in thing'. That seems a weird thing to write considering the whole exchange was about him putting her up as a favour...did she know it was you texting?

 

It sounds like you are very thoughtful, and put yourself through a lot to sort out what problems there were the first time you & your husband had problems. Do you feel he made the same effort, and do you feel as though he is taking your present concerns seriously?

 

He seems to have a few issues with jealousy so he should be able to empathise with you over yours, and reassure you as to what happened. As to whether anything did - it's hard to say. It doesn't sound like you've really got the whole story yet though. Maybe write it all down as you have here and give it him to read. Then take him somewhere neutral to discuss it and try and get to the bottom of the problem here. It sounds like he broke your trust once and you have lived a little bit in fear of him doing it again.

[dw76]

Thanks for your input. Last night another blowup on this. I checked cell records again... found a call he made to that number at 10:45pm. Not on his phone, he deleted it. At 11:45 pm an incoming call from his friend who "he was with". I questioned. He said he deleted the number off his phone because Sun am he realized it was a dumb thing to do in the first place to make the offer to her/him and he had no reason for keeping the number. Later in the conversation he said he didn't want it on there b/c he knew it would cause trouble with me. First off, he says the only reason he called the number was so they would have his number on their phone and that the call was only seconds long. The website shows 2 min. I disputed the 2nd reason for him deleting as I have never reviewed our cell records in the past, I do not give him the 3rd degree as to his whereabouts etc. I was a jealous person when we were first married but it has been many years since I've been like that. There is no reason for him to think that he would have to do something so I wouldn't see it unless he had something to hide in the first place. He admits it was dumb to do and keeps saying that all he was doing was trying to be nice and it is biting him in the butt big time now. As for the call from his friend, he said he went back to his room around 11 and was asleep when the guy called. He insists that if I call her I will see how wrong I am about all of this. I finally did call but got VM so didn't leave a message. I also sent a text from his phone with a generic "hows it going" message and no reply. As to your earlier question she would not have known it was me texting. This morning I blocked texting on our phones. Maybe that was overboard, but we don't use it anyway so there is no harm done in that regard. With that being said, if the number shows up again I'll know it was a call. Frankly, I'm pretty worn down from all of this and just want it over. I don't want to end my marriage, and based on the state of our relationship prior to the weekend, in my heart I don't think something happened, but all these indicators make my mind feel like I'm being a complete fool to turn a blind eye. Could it be so ironic that he is a victim of circumstantial evidence or I am the most gullable person on the earth? I asked him if I were to question his friends would I get the same info that he is telling me. He says yes, although I can tell he doesn't want me to do so and embarrass him that way. I truly don't know if my own pride would afford me the courage to stoop that low either. Is that out of line? I don't want my marriage to be everyone else's business. Then again, would his friends sell him out anyway? They are all standup guys but at the same time it would be an uncomfortable position for them to be in and I don't know if they would get involved. I'm going to call my EAP today and get back into counseling. I hate all these old feelings of insecurity resurfacing. I sound like such a head case when I read these posts, but truthfully I am a pretty well put together person. Only in the regard of my marriage do I have these insecurities. I realize that I blame him for that. I married young and having him cheat on me within the first year really burst the bubble of what I expected of a marriage. I know I will be fine if I were to be on my own, but its getting to that next step that I'm stumbling...