writergal Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 I am so irritated by all the divorced men who post their profiles on match.com! If you don't want a serious relationship, then why are you trolling for women with an online dating website?! First of all, I am single and not married. If all I was looking for, was casual dating or new friendships, I'd get more involved in the community through volunteer work (which I already do). I joined online dating to meet men to date, towards a serious relationship. The divorced men who contact me on match.com, write in their profiles that they're seeking a lifelong partner, but then in several email exchanges, when I ask them what they're looking for, most have said they just want to form new connections with women and see if anything develops. First there was my ex (recently divorced, no children), and now there is this one guy who is divorced with 3 children, who has contacted me via email, just to complain about his financial woes and his need to make casual connections with women but not get into a serious relationship b/c he can't afford to, and because he's not emotionally ready. So why is he wasting my time?! Why do divorced men (or women for that matter) think dating is going to solve their problems? He's better off getting weekly therapy in my opinion. He clearly said to me in his emails that he doesn't have a lot of money, and his time is spent with his 3 children, and that he's not looking for a serious relationship right now. He reminds me of my ex-boyfriend whom I met on match.com, who (as I clearly complain about from previous posts here) was nowhere near emotionally available or ready to be dating women after his recent divorce. If you're not emotionally stable enough to date, then don't join an online dating service, because its not fair to us women who are emotionally ready and seeking men to be in a relationship with. Online dating is really stressful.
Vet Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Um.. what exactly does being divorced have to do with being ready for a relationship? Also, I don't think two occurrences demonstrate a pattern.
CaliGuy Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 You think that's bad, I've seen a ton of women on a different site listed as "separated". I'm sorry, you shouldn't be dating until you're officially divorced. I don't care how long the "paperwork" takes. Not good mojo!
Author writergal Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 Vet, Because most divorced men I've met, are clearly rushing into dating when they should spend their time in therapy, to heal from their divorce. I think if you are divorced, you should not date anyone for a few years until you get comfortable being who you are again. And I think its selfish to mislead women like myself, by posting your profile on a dating website if you aren't looking for a serious relationship. And this guy told me he wasn't looking for a serious relationship. So my response was to tell him we had very different priorities and I wished him best of luck. And I think it is a pattern. Divorced men + online dating = trouble. That has been my experience so far.
Author writergal Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 CaliGuy: Oh, I know! I've seen "separated" profiles for men on match.com as well. I agree! They are technically still married and yet they think dating is going to solve their emotional problems? All it does is hurt the person on the receiving end in the long run, who is emotionally available and deserves to be loved for all the right reasons, not be treated as a temporary stand-in, by the separated or divorced person. Not good mojo. I totally agree.
Vet Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Vet, Because most divorced men I've met, are clearly rushing into dating when they should spend their time in therapy, to heal from their divorce. I think if you are divorced, you should not date anyone for a few years until you get comfortable being who you are again. And I think its selfish to mislead women like myself, by posting your profile on a dating website if you aren't looking for a serious relationship. And this guy told me he wasn't looking for a serious relationship. So my response was to tell him we had very different priorities and I wished him best of luck. And I think it is a pattern. Divorced men + online dating = trouble. That has been my experience so far. I would call your experience with online dating rather anecdotal, especially if you've only conversed with two before formulating this opinion of yours. In addition to that, I don't think there should be some arbitrary number of years that it takes a person to get over a relationship. While surely people should not seek to jump directly into serious relationships following a divorce (which it doesn't sound like these guys were), we're all different. Online dating is a numbers game; you'll get some stinkers and you'll get some finds. I wouldn't take mortal offense when someone who flags themselves as wanting a serious relationship wants a casual fling, or you'll find yourself quickly discouraged.
Author writergal Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 Well Vet, I am morally discouraged! I met another recently divorcee after we chatted on the phone frequently for 2 weeks, who knew exactly what I was looking for (to date 1 person at a time, with a serious relationship as the goal). He never said once that he wasn't emotionally available to me...until after we met in person for our first date. We spent 3 hours on our first date; meeting at a coffee shop, then walking in the park and talking. He even asked me out on a second date. So, I thought he was definitely interested in me. But then a week went by and I didn't hear anything from him. So I emailed him, asking what happened. He emailed back that he didn't think we were in the same place; he cited my being in graduate school and his being recently divorced as "being in two different places in our lives" as the reason he didn't want to see me again. Yet, he asked me out at the end of our first date, asking me if he could call me again. I'm really disappointed b/c he and I had so much in common. Again, why put me through 2 weeks of phone and email communcation if you have no intention of following through. Its not like I'm ugly or anything and all my photos were recent. Again, he used his divorce as an excuse, AFTER he pursued me, asked me out a 2nd time, then went silent until I asked him what happened. Talk about stinker. He's a stinker, Vet! He's divorced and I think that the "divorced card" is too convenient of an excuse for men to use to justify their cold, aloof behavior. And it really hurts my feelings to be so mislead like I have been. Just b/c I'm a grad student at 38, doesn't mean I'm not capable of having a long-term serious relationship. I don't use my career transition as an excuse. So I think its wrong for divorced people to use their newly single status as an excuse when it comes to how to treat potential dating partners. Why can't they just be honest with you?
boogieboy Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Thats what you get with online dating. The available guys you dont want, and the ones who can afford to lie do. Might have to go back to doing it in person, instead of online. At least at a bar, you can filter out the asses in one night, instead of stretching it out in a span of 2-3 weeks thru email. Probably 90% of the people online lie to get the dates they want. You should probably give up online dating, its the lazy way anyway.
dreamergrl Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 My Mom is married to a guy she met online. They were both divorced.
Thaddeus Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 WG, divorced or not, what you're experiencing is just a very very small slice of what men on online sites have to deal with every single day. It's called rejection and it's simply par for the course. I know it's no fun and I know it's discouraging but unfortunately it's just a fact of life. Painting all divorced men as rubes and manipulative b@stards isn't going to help your case. But you already know that.
boogieboy Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Its called REJECTION, and its PAR FOR THE COURSE. it's just a fact of life. QFT! Thaddeus I wish I could be as smooth as you. WG, this is so true, and I have a suggestion for you. You will have to deal with alot more guys that you reject and that reject you, and I suggest you expect it and make a game out of it so youre not so dissappointed when the spark doesnt happen. If youre going to get so involved though emails..... I dunno, its so much easier in person.
Thaddeus Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 QFT! Thaddeus I wish I could be as smooth as you.Oh, you can be! For just a small investment I can have you Thaddeus-style in as little as 3 weeks! Call today and get a free set of ginsu knives! * Not available in all states or provinces. Not to be taken internally. Keep out of reach of children. Do not eat heavy machinery while operating these drugs. This does not constitute legal advice. Flammable. Use carefully in a well-ventilated area. To clean nozzle, hold can upside down and spray until no more product sprays out. Provided "as is" without any warranty of any kind, either expressed or implied, including but not limited to the implied warranties of merchantability, fitness for a particular purpose, or non-infringement.
alexlakeman Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 OP, you sound oppressed and uptight... a large percentage of people are divorced... Also there is seperated and legally seperated... legally it is in a court document, pending divorce...it's in the works.. no problem there..
stepka Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 At least you're talking about the ones who are divorced. I dated one man 7-8 times before I found out he was actually married, not divorced at all. He still tries to call and IM and text sometimes, though I told him it is completely over.
D-Lish Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I started dating about 8 months after being separated. I wasn't going to stop my life just because I was waiting for the paper to be official. My H at the time had knocked someone up and was living with the woman he impregnated when we were still together. I didn't see the need to remain dateless until the D was final.
Devil Inside Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I agree that people shouldn't be misleading. However, it is not misleading to say you are looking for a lifelong partner...but not commit to that upfront. My idea of a date is a time t get to know another person. If I don't feel a vibe then it's goodbye, why waste each others time.
sunshinegirl Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Well, OP, it definitely takes a thicker skin to keep up one's spirits in the online world. It would maybe help your spirits to adjust your expectations, and realize that people join dating sites for all kinds of reasons -- thus it's best not to assume anything about why they are there, at the outset. And maybe assume that 90% or more of the men you meet aren't going to work out for one reason or another. It really is an exercise in separating the wheat from the chaff. I can relate to your frustration, however. Match.com "guaranteed" that I would meet a special someone in 6 months - (not that I believed this but it's their latest ad gimmick) - and when I didn't, I got 6 free months. Guess what? I didn't meet anyone special in the second 6 months either. Lots and lots of incompatible or otherwise dull men, though. Three of my close girlfriends met their husbands online - two on match, one on eHarmony - so it certainly happens. Good for them...but I'm done with online for now and will go back to trying to meet people "organically".
D-Lish Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I agree that people shouldn't be misleading. However, it is not misleading to say you are looking for a lifelong partner...but not commit to that upfront. My idea of a date is a time t get to know another person. If I don't feel a vibe then it's goodbye, why waste each others time. I agree- I don't feel comfortable telling someone I have just met that I am looking for a life partner- I tend to say that I am looking to date and see what happens.
Devil Inside Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I agree- I don't feel comfortable telling someone I have just met that I am looking for a life partner- I tend to say that I am looking to date and see what happens. If they do commit too soon...it's a little scary!
sunshinegirl Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I agree- I don't feel comfortable telling someone I have just met that I am looking for a life partner- I tend to say that I am looking to date and see what happens. This is just another way to suss out compatibility, no? (How/when you prefer to communicate about your relationship goals?) There's certainly a creepy line that shouldn't be crossed (saying "I think I've just met the love of my life" on a first date, for example) but otherwise it doesn't seem like a right/wrong kind of thing. Increasingly, I prefer men who are up-front about looking for something long-term / wanting children.
D-Lish Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 This is just another way to suss out compatibility, no? (How/when you prefer to communicate about your relationship goals?) There's certainly a creepy line that shouldn't be crossed (saying "I think I've just met the love of my life" on a first date, for example) but otherwise it doesn't seem like a right/wrong kind of thing. Increasingly, I prefer men who are up-front about looking for something long-term / wanting children. I'd never be one to talk about relationship goals in the first few dates- but that's just me. It would freak me out a little bit to hear a guy talk about relationship goals too soon after meeting.
MN randomguy Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I am so irritated by all the divorced men who post their profiles on match.com! Lot of the fish on there turn out to be carp on our side too. If you don't want a serious relationship, then why are you trolling for women with an online dating website?! Two words: Pun Nanny!!! First of all, I am single and not married. If all I was looking for, was casual dating or new friendships, I'd get more involved in the community through volunteer work (which I already do). I joined online dating to meet men to date, towards a serious relationship. Makes logical sense to me. The divorced men who contact me on match.com, write in their profiles that they're seeking a lifelong partner, but then in several email exchanges, when I ask them what they're looking for, most have said they just want to form new connections with women and see if anything develops. They're going to tell you what you want to hear to get what they want. .....and his need to make casual connections with women but not get into a serious relationship b/c he can't afford to, and because he's not emotionally ready. So why is he wasting my time?! Honey, news flash. Its not about you. These guys don't care what you want, or how much of yuor time they waste. That's why its called "your" time. Its not theirs. They don't care if they waste it. Why do divorced men (or women for that matter) think dating is going to solve their problems? That's how it is on T.V. He reminds me of my ex-boyfriend whom I met on match.com, who (as I clearly complain about from previous posts here) was nowhere near emotionally available or ready to be dating women after his recent divorce. If you're not emotionally stable enough to date, then don't join an online dating service, because its not fair to us women who are emotionally ready and seeking men to be in a relationship with. Online dating is really stressful. Well, now you should know better, if you've already dated a guy like this. There are lots of guys like this. Its the male version of sex in the city. There's always that messiah romantic partner out there. Its not limited to Divorced guys. I don't know how old you are, but if you're young enough for a guy on the first time 'round and you think it will help, set your filters to not search for guys that are divorced. You get chatting with a guy who's a douche' like these guys, cut your losses, tell him you don't want to talk anymore and put him on your "dead to me" list. Online dating can automate some things, but the final sorting process is still done manually.
ruggy Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Online dating is just really not my cup of tea either. The women who wink or e-mail me I am just not interested in. I did go on a date with one of them. But the attraction was not there, but I was out 40 bucks. Never felt good with dutch. Anyways, as one of the others put it. The ones that are interested in you are not the ones you are interested in. And the ones you are interested in are not interested in you. Sorry about the bad experiences, but I assure you, its the same, if not worse on the mens side. I'm very close in ditching online dating. It is really an ego killer and self-esteem destroyer.
lucy9216 Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 WG, divorced or not, what you're experiencing is just a very very small slice of what men on online sites have to deal with every single day. It's called rejection and it's simply par for the course. I know it's no fun and I know it's discouraging but unfortunately it's just a fact of life. Painting all divorced men as rubes and manipulative b@stards isn't going to help your case. But you already know that. Yup thaddeus, just what I was thinking while reading this! you are gonna find some good ones and some bad ones! just take it with a grain of salt and move on. I know I have already met some bad ones online and yes it is really frustrating, but you need to be prepared for these things with dating in general. Btw, the guys I met online were never married.
itisjccole Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I think is part of way moving on with bad part of life, being divorced is never everyone's choice of misfortune. We all want to be happy. Divorced Men are looking for chances to search for TRUE LOVE and Hopefully never ending relationship. We all deserve chances. The key, is just to "Be Right with your search for on online dating we are dealing with tons of different personalities.
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