nature Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Here's some copy/paste from an article I read that may help some people. I'm not good at figuring out how not to have all the weird stuff in here that happens when I copy/paste, so forgive me! [FONT=Comic Sans MS][sIZE=3]There is no neat progression from one stage to the next. Stages can hit at the same time, repeat, or occur out of order. Generally, a long period of "depression", isolation, and loneliness happen late in the grief process, months after. It is normal and expected for you to be very depressed and sad eight months later. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][sIZE=3]Just knowing that your desire to be alone with your sad reflections at this time is normal will help you deal with outside pressures. You are acting normally. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=4][COLOR=#435616]1. SHOCK & DENIAL- [/COLOR][/sIZE][FONT=Comic Sans MS][sIZE=3]You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks. [sIZE=4][COLOR=#435616]2. PAIN & GUILT-[/COLOR][/sIZE] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][sIZE=3]As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs. [/sIZE][/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][sIZE=3]You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase. [sIZE=4][COLOR=#435616]3. ANGER & BARGAINING-[/COLOR][/sIZE] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][sIZE=3]Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion. [/sIZE][/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][sIZE=3]You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back") [sIZE=4][COLOR=#435616]4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-[/COLOR][/sIZE] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][sIZE=3]Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. [FONT=Comic Sans MS]Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair. [FONT=Comic Sans MS][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=4][COLOR=#435616]5. THE UPWARD TURN-[/COLOR][/sIZE] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][sIZE=3]As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly. [sIZE=4][COLOR=#435616]6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-[/COLOR][/sIZE] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][sIZE=3]As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her. [sIZE=4][COLOR=#435616]7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-[/COLOR][/sIZE] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][sIZE=3]During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward. [FONT=Comic Sans MS][sIZE=3] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living. [/FONT] [/sIZE][/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT][/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT]
Author nature Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 Oh that's really bad..sorry! Please read between all the stupid font/formatting stuff it wants to post. I don't have the original article so can't just send the link to you. there are some good words in here!
silic0ntoad Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Eh, I move at my own pace. IDK, I know when I am ready, I don't see what the problem is. You move on as quickly as you let yourself. Oh, and you can read it, it just takes some skillz.
Author nature Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 That's awesome Silic! Good for you!! But not all people are as strong as you and able to do it quickly like you...no matter how hard they try! Often times, the harder we try, the more we just bottle up the grief and it comes out at a later time, in different ways. I envy your ability to just move on!!
Author nature Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 Hey Silic...you edited your post in the time I replied!! lol Thanks though...glad you could read it!
gypsi Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 wow so glad you posted that...i was beginning to worry about myself...6 months later and im more depressed than ever i dont want to go out i just wan to be bymself and i am also starting to realize she wont be coming back its like when false hope leaves the building the depression sets in again and now i am back to square one of dealing with this pain.
silic0ntoad Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Lol, trust me, I can't just move on. I think the main factor is people DO bottle it up. I just let myself go for a while. With my current situation, I let everything out as it came. I was a wreck. A total wreck. But slowly I pieced myself back together. I think alot of times people tend to hold back some of the more powerful emotions that you experience in a break up, and let them out slowly. As for the edit, I didn't want to come off to harsh. We all grieve. I miss the great times I had with her- but she isn't who I fell in love with, if you understand me.
silic0ntoad Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 wow so glad you posted that...i was beginning to worry about myself...6 months later and im more depressed than ever i dont want to go out i just wan to be bymself and i am also starting to realize she wont be coming back its like when false hope leaves the building the depression sets in again and now i am back to square one of dealing with this pain. Hey Gypsi- You know, there was one thing I learned a long time ago and it's an AA thing (My best friend's dad is a recovering alcoholic) it's called Fake it til you Make it. Just go out. I know the hardest thing is to want to go out and get out there, but 6 months is a long time. Fake it til you make it. Fake the happy, fake the getting out there, and one day you'll wake up, and you won't have to fake it anymore. Works for alot of people I know.
Author nature Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 Silic, thanks! I totally understand. My ex and I split up a year ago, and I still think about him almost every day. But not in the same angry/painful or depressed way. Just more of a calm way. I still feel saddened, as we had been engaged, but as you said about your ex, mine is no longer the person I fell in love with. Which is the real him? "Will the real slim shady please stand up?" I don't know which is the real him anymore, and I no longer try to figure it out. I guess I'm at the acceptance stage that we had what we had, and now we don't. lol Gypsi...it takes a long time for many. I think it depends on where you are at in your life personally, as well. Example, someone who just lost their job at the same time as being dumped, may take it 10 times harder and therefore, take a lot longer to heal. Because they were hit with a lot at one time, so it compounds the grief. Whereas, someone excelling in their career or personal life, may take a break up a lot more lightly, because they are feeling good inside themselves, so the acceptance comes a lot quicker. It is so individually dependent.
Thaddeus Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 After my first wife died I did all the classic stages outline here. Thing is, I tended to bounce around the stages; they didn't come in any sort of linear fashion where I could say, "OK, now I'm in the such-and-such stage" because almost anything could set me right back to square one. I might come across something of hers in the house, or see someone that looked like her, got a whiff of the perfume she used to wear or, well, anything. Now, it's different than losing a partner because they lose interest, have an affair or whatever, because there is really no possible chance of any sort of reconciliation. If someone leaves you, at least they're still alive. And, like silic here, I was a complete wreck for nearly a year. (This was about 13 years ago.) Saw a couple of counsellors/psychologists/therapists/whatever they called themselves and did my damndest to work through it all. After about a year I went on a f*cking spree, did the whole 'bad boy' thing and all the rest (cuz we all know that women gravitate to bad boys like water over Niagara). I guess unconsciously I was looking for affirmation and ended up hurting some very good people in the process. Many apologies for my lewd behavior had to be made, and I made them, and thankfully each person I hurt was big enough to see that it wasn't personal, it was just me going through a very, very dark phase. I still keep in contact with many of them, to this day. They've all long since moved on and most are married. But it DOES take a long time. To this day, I still miss her. Just last week I awoke teary-eyed, reaching for her lithe form in an empty bed.
NightLord1 Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 After my first wife died I did all the classic stages outline here. Thing is, I tended to bounce around the stages; they didn't come in any sort of linear fashion where I could say, "OK, now I'm in the such-and-such stage" because almost anything could set me right back to square one. I might come across something of hers in the house, or see someone that looked like her, got a whiff of the perfume she used to wear or, well, anything. Now, it's different than losing a partner because they lose interest, have an affair or whatever, because there is really no possible chance of any sort of reconciliation. If someone leaves you, at least they're still alive. And, like silic here, I was a complete wreck for nearly a year. (This was about 13 years ago.) Saw a couple of counsellors/psychologists/therapists/whatever they called themselves and did my damndest to work through it all. After about a year I went on a f*cking spree, did the whole 'bad boy' thing and all the rest (cuz we all know that women gravitate to bad boys like water over Niagara). I guess unconsciously I was looking for affirmation and ended up hurting some very good people in the process. Many apologies for my lewd behavior had to be made, and I made them, and thankfully each person I hurt was big enough to see that it wasn't personal, it was just me going through a very, very dark phase. I still keep in contact with many of them, to this day. They've all long since moved on and most are married. But it DOES take a long time. To this day, I still miss her. Just last week I awoke teary-eyed, reaching for her lithe form in an empty bed. Damn Thad thats scary because my wife passed away as well five years ago and I pretty much went through the same thing you did. I kept meeting up with women to try and dull the pain of the loss of my wife and instead of turning to drugs and booze I was basically using women as a way to get rid of the pain. Didn't work at all and I truly didn't start to heal over my wife's death until I was single for a long while and worked on myself in more ways then one. I still miss her and hell I have two constant reminders of her with the son she left behind (my adopted son) and our own daughter who lives with me. But my kids are my strength when I need it and that in itself is enough determination for me to get through anything.
Author nature Posted August 12, 2009 Author Posted August 12, 2009 Thad & Nightlord...your stories both really touched me. Seriously, a gut wrenching, emotional touch. Very sad for you both. Thank you so much for both sharing your story. True Love.
Thaddeus Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Damn Thad thats scary because my wife passed away as well five years ago and I pretty much went through the same thing you did. I kept meeting up with women to try and dull the pain of the loss of my wife and instead of turning to drugs and booze I was basically using women as a way to get rid of the pain.One of my therapists warned me that this is a pretty common reaction in men that lose their wives at a relatively young age. He described it as something like trying to reconnect with the physical part of the relationship that's now gone. Now, that may be true or not, I don't know, but in a support group I attended for a short time of men who had recently lost their partners I found that dating and screwing around a lot was a very common response.
not_a_happy_camper Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Hi nature, long time no talk! I just happened to be on here today for the first time in ages and see you posted. How are you holding up?
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