esl77 Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 I've been seriously involved with the same guy for 1 year and 2 months now. He has had several relationships in the past and has been married twice (he got married very young and that lasted 6 years until she cheated on him and is now married to that man.) The second marriage ended after a month. He is is spontaneous and very impulsive. We don't haev a lot in common but we dearly love each other. We've broken up a couple of times but always end up back together, he can't stay away for whatever reason. He's 29 (almost 30) now, and when he was about 18 he met this girl that he started dating and they got engaged shortly thereafter. Their relationship only lasted 6 months, but they've remained friends for whatever reason since then. She moved away and joined the Navy and just moved back when he and I started dating last year. She too has 2 failed marriages and seems to pretty much be a loser (IMO.) It started about a month into our relationship, we were out having fun at a bar when she called him and wanted to know if she could come hang out too, he had been asking met to meet her and I refused, still do to this day. I told him that night if she came, I was leaving, and he said fine, go... I left him there with no ride home. That started my problem with this girl. I made a very big deal out of it every time he mentioned meeting her for lunch or dinner, whatever, until finally we broke up last November for 2 weeks. I didn't speak to him, he broke down and called me, couldn't live without me, etc. If something were going to happen between them, that would have been the time, but it didn't. He didn't do anything period. We ended up back together and the following night he proposed to me in front of an expensive restaurant full of people. We got our apartment together in January and everything was great. Then we got into a huge fight mid-March and she's the first person he ran to, always has been for the most part when he needs to gripe about his problems or whatever. This time, he took it too far. He ended up meeting her across town, got himself way too drunk to drive home, and spent the night in her apartment on her sofa until he was sober enough to come back. Man that was it for me, I didn't trust that BS, I have never been so mad about anything, and he knew it, he called me and told me. He has always been up front about everything whether I wanted to hear it or not. Anyway, we broke off our engagement about a month later and moved out in May. We stayed together until I moved him out of my place last month. He had lunch with her for 20 minutes once, but she keeps calling him, wanting to hang out here and there. She's on his MySpace page (behing me in the top friends list of course) but they don't talk or anything on there. They don't talk much at all, but I don't like her and I wish she'd take the hint and move on. He told me they broke up because they couldn't get along, that's all he would say, but he and I don't get along lots of times and he refuses to leave me like he did her. What basis do they have for a friendship? She KNOWS every time she calls wanting him to meet her somewhere it causes an argument between he and I, so why do it? After the sleepover incident, I told him he better never, ever put himself in that position again, that he was only allowed to meet her briefly for lunch or something in public, and I felt perfectly justified in doing so. It would be different if they had always just been friends, but that isn't the case, they were engaged briefly. His family doesn't want her around, his sisters don't speak to her anymore (they were all pretty good friends), everyone just wants her to disappear. Don't get me wrong, I blame him for letting it go on and not having the backbone to tell her hey, my girlfriend is uncomfortable with this situation, so I please don't call me anymore. He won't do that, he says I can't tell him who he can be friends with. I can't talk to him about it, it always leads to a fight, and it's they don't speak/see each other often, but I don't like it regardless, I want her to let it go, she's such a DA. He and I are trying to reconcile and get our relationship back on track to see what happens and so far so good, minus her.... Sorry it's so long, had to give the background.
Palmer253 Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 How well do you know this other woman? Has he made any attempt to bring her around both you and him? Would you be open to becoming friends with her?
2sure Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Friends of the opposite sex are fine. That being said, if your current partner has a problem with a particular friend of the opposite sex...its an issue. Either you give up the friend that makes your partner uncomfortable just out of respect OR you give up the partner, especially if they seem to take issue with ALL of your friends of the opposite sex. All of THAT being said: Old girl friends are just that. You dont get to keep them as friends. In my opinion any one you slept with is off limits.
Teslacoil Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 All of THAT being said: Old girl friends are just that. You dont get to keep them as friends. In my opinion any one you slept with is off limits. Says who? Some people can be friends with ex's and some people can't. I'm still friends with several of my ex-girlfriends, some I slept with, some not. I'll be honest and say that my current girlfriend isn't CRAZY about that idea, but one of the girls in question is one of her friends as well, and we all manage to hang out together just fine. Even though she doesn't like the idea a lot, she respects me too much to dictate to me who I can and can't be friends with. She knows I'd never do that to her, either. Personally, I think it's sad that you're so controlling of your boyfriend that you won't allow him to be friends with who he wants to be friends with. You don't have any evidence that they're being inappropriate together at all. Sorry, but I agree with your boyfriend. You don't have any right to tell him who to be friends with, and you should respect him more. Every relationship I've seen where one partner gave the other one an ultimatum like this, "Stop being friends with suchandsuch or I'm leaving. It's either her/him or me!" ended badly. Unless there's cheating or something really serious like abuse or drugs/alcoholism. Then ultimatums are ok.
AlektraClementine Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Well, in my case, my fiance did not cheat but had some inappropriate dealings with other women classified as "just friends". It's not about absolutes here. If I feel uncomfortable and my fiance is unwilling to help make me comfortable, then I'm not the woman for him and vice versa. I absolutely dictated what was appropriate and what was not. He still has female friends. But none that I'm not "crazy about". He's free to leave anytime that starts to feel too constricting for him. If your girlfriend makes an effort to try and "respect" you and your wishes, shouldn't you make an effort to make sure she's comfortable with your opposite sex friendships?
Author esl77 Posted August 12, 2009 Author Posted August 12, 2009 To reply to everyone.. Yes, initially he did try several times to get me to go and meet her, but I refused. I don't want to meet someone from his past (11 or so years ago or whatever) that he had a relationship with, slept with, and at that point in his life, planned to marry. What are we supposed to talk about? I don't think so. He swears on my life that nothing inappropriate has ever happened, they are just friends and nothing more, she doesn't like smokers at all and he is a pretty heavy smoker, so that is a negative right there amongst other things. I think honestly they just meet occasionally to bitch at each other about their individual problems, but he has other friends that we both know (and I actually get along with) for that. My issue is this: If the tables were turned and I had a guy 'friend' that I met occasionally for lunch, drinks, or whatever, he would certainly have something to say about that. HE is actually the controlling one here though he's discrete about it. I love him, bottom line, but he's that charismatic type of guy who makes friends wheever he goes, and it's usually girls. When he started back to school locally last fall he ended up buddying up with 2 other girls in his class, nothing happened, but before you know it, they are having study sessions weekly and he even picked one of them up and dropped her back off a couple of times for their study group. Their numbers were stored in his phone, etc. And where are they now? He's forgotten all about them. I trust him, he would never cheat on me, he's lied to me 1 time and I knew about it before he admitted it. I'm not trying to issue ultimatums on who he can and can't be friends with, I've expressed my concern for this a dozen times and he will not stop seeing her. After that incident where he was drunk and spent the night on her sofa- that did it. That was beyond highly inappropriate and I could have killed him for that. Since then, they meet briefly for lunch or a quick dinner somewhere cheap- she pays for her own food and they go their separate ways... Why can he not just give the bitch up though? Why does he insist on maintaining this useless friendship with someone he hardly sees or talks to from umpteen years ago? She clearly has no respect for him or his relationship or she would back off, she knows what problems this has caused between us, yet she's asked him time and again why I don't like her.... Everyone that knows her wants her to just move on and go away- his family included who used to be friends with her back in the day. He would probably forget about it for the most part if she would stop calling every couple of months wanting to get together. I will say this- I do have one of those rare guys that is up front to a fault, he tells me hey, I talked to ..... and she wants to meet for dinner at such and such time this week. He tells me when she's called him, he tells me everything whether I want to hear it or not. My options as I see it are I can either pretend it doesn't bother me when it really does every time he sees her, or I can dump him and throw away the past year and 2 months of our relationship. After he talks to her and especially after he meets her I don't want to be around him for at least a day or 2, I used to not even answer the phone when he called me as he was leaving wherever. He always calls when he's meeting her and when he's through, I know everything, but still I don't know why she can't leave him alone and why he doesn't have the backbone to tell her no, he certainly tells me no as he sees fit! Thanks-
Teslacoil Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 If your girlfriend makes an effort to try and "respect" you and your wishes, shouldn't you make an effort to make sure she's comfortable with your opposite sex friendships? Within reason, yes. However, any partnership may result in friendships of both the same and opposite sexes that your partner doesn't like. That doesn't give your partner the right to demand that you cease being friends with that person. My girlfriend has an ex-husband, and I have an ex-wife. I'm not interested in being friends with my ex-wife now or ever. It's possible that after a lot more time has passed, my girlfriend might be interested in maintaining some kind of friendship with her ex-husband. I might not be crazy about that, but I'd certainly not try to dictate to her that she can't based on that alone. There would have to be something inappropriate going on before I could object to her being friends with him.
Author esl77 Posted August 12, 2009 Author Posted August 12, 2009 Can't say there is anything inappropriate that I know of. He's maintained some semblance of a friendship with this chick for the past 11 or so years, even through is first marriage. I just refused to have anything to do with her, he tried repeatedly to get me to meet her, saying I might actually like her, but the more he pushed, the more I refrained. Childish maybe, but like I said, what are we, supposed to compare notes or something on him? I've worked damn hard to keep this relationship going, it's been a challenge many times but we've made it this far. He doesn't want her (not sure who would really based on what I know), but I know there are times when he has talked to her in the past about our (his and mine) relationship and I really dislike that, it's none of her business whatsoever, and I made that clear to him. The only thing that was inappropriate was putting himself in the position to have to spend the night at her apartment because he was drunk, he was there, alone with her for several hours. He called me when he got there, he called me the minute he left, he does keep me informed, I give him that, but any girlfriend would want to kick their boyfriend's stupid ass for a smart move like that, right? She supposedly has other friends, why can't she leave him alone and have some respect for his relationship and the fact that I'm not comfortable with it? If she were truly his friend, she would move on and let it go, but to me, that isn't true friendship and she doesn't really care what effect it (she) has on our relationship, she knows I don't care for her at all!
Teslacoil Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 She supposedly has other friends, why can't she leave him alone and have some respect for his relationship and the fact that I'm not comfortable with it? If she were truly his friend, she would move on and let it go, but to me, that isn't true friendship and she doesn't really care what effect it (she) has on our relationship, she knows I don't care for her at all! Well, I think you mean if she were truly YOUR friend she would move on and let it go. She doesn't have any motivation for letting it go. They're friends. She calls him to bitch about things, they get together, have dinner, and catch up. Maybe the fact that they were once engaged means that they can talk about things more frankly and with more intimate details than they can with other friends/family. My main point of advice to you would be to be careful that this doesn't get flipped around on you. If you get angry enough at your boyfriend about this, and if you do eventually succeed at making him give up being friends with his ex for you, then he may resent you for it. That resentment could end up being a larger problem for your relationship than him having dinner with his ex is. It sounds to me from reading between the lines on your posts a bit, and comments about his family and such that you have quite a few reasons already why you don't like this girl even though you've never met her. Do you think the fact you dislike this girl so much could be coloring your anger with your boyfriend for continuing to be friends with her? Since he continues to be friends with her, he obviously doesn't agree with why you don't like her so much. I've seen a few couples get into conflicts about this that really drive each other crazy. Partner A: "Why do you keep hanging out with Bob, he's X, Y, and Z!" Partner B: "I dunno, X, Y and Z don't really bother me. He's still fun to be with." Partner A: "How can X, Y and Z not bother you!" Partner B: *sigh*
Author esl77 Posted August 12, 2009 Author Posted August 12, 2009 I see your point. We did have it out last year in November over this issue and he dumped me after 5 months over the phone. I was heartbroken, but never let him know it. He broke down and called me 2 weeks later, he couldn't stand it any longer, and had to have me back. He had seen this chick once during our breakup and told her (of course) everything that happened between us, though as I said, I feel it's none of her business. I did make him choose between her or me, and he obviously chose her. We got back together, he asked me to marry him, and he called her to tell her the news like the next day, I was sitting there. She wasn't exactly thrilled about it it, I think more shocked than anything. She knows we've had issues, we lived together until the weekend of July 4th, when he moved out. She understands that he won't leave me, don't think he could if he wanted to, and there have been times when he's tried. His main point is that I'm not going to tell him who he can and can't be friends with, I refused to meet her early on, he tried again when we got engaged and I again said no. She's been a source of contention between he and I from the get go. Of course she has no reason to let it go, he doesn't have the backbone to tell her to f***off and he wouldn't I don't think quite honestly. If I issue that ultimatum again, I know what response I'd get already. If they had always just been friends, as previously stated, it would be one thing. I have a guy friend like that, known him for the same amount of time he's known her, but we were never intimate, never engaged, never in a relationship, etc., always just friends. They have a past and it's inappropriate IMO for him to continue seeing her, no matter how he justifies it in his mind. I don't understand why he wants to, she is unattractive and lame, doesn't have much going for her. I'm about ready to kick his ass to the curb over this and a couple of other things, and I'm in a position to do that. He needs me though, he counts on me, he's like having a 29yo child almost. I guess I'm derailing here, just venting. Sorry, thanks for the replies, it's interesting to see other ppl's perspectives on this issue.
Author esl77 Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 Well, he went out with the friend for dinner at my favorite restaurant last night, then wanted to come stay with me when he was finished (only there about an hour.) He said she told him the reason she hardly calls him anymore is because it causes problems between he and I, and he agreed to that. It did, we got into a 45 minute phone argument where he proceeded to break up with me (he gets this way when he's aggravated) again and that I was not going to make him get rid of a 'friend' he's had for 11 years simply because I don't like her. There is nothing between them, I'm not jealous of her because I know she has a lot of issues and has nothing on me, I just flat out don't like her because she can't leave him alone. One day, if she could ever maintain a relationship successfully of her own, she might have a guy that doesn't like her seeing my boyfriend and she will find herself in the same position, then what will happen. True, I do understand where my boyfriend is coming from to a point, but his solution to this is either I pretend to be okay with it and shut up if/when she calls him and he wants to meet her for dinner or whatever, or we part ways now so he can be single and do what he wants without having to answer to me and deal with me being pissed every time the phone rings or he meets her for a meal. So all, should I let it go and act as if it no longer bothers me, or should I let him go so I don't have to deal with this s*** anymore? Before you ask, no there is nothing between them, he's invited me from day one to meet her but I refused, and no he has never cheated on me, he's a pretty good guy all in all in that respect.
Teslacoil Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 So all, should I let it go and act as if it no longer bothers me, or should I let him go so I don't have to deal with this s*** anymore? Before you ask, no there is nothing between them, he's invited me from day one to meet her but I refused, and no he has never cheated on me, he's a pretty good guy all in all in that respect. Well, you do have a third option, which is somehow to get over your dislike of this girl, and gradually come to accept that your boyfriend is friends with her. That doesn't mean that YOU have to be friends with her though. You can at least just be polite though. Otherwise though, if you can't do that, I think you've hit the nail on the head. You either need to let your boyfriend go, or stop bothering him about this girl, and pretend not to care. Continuing to yell at him isn't going to get you anywhere. I don't know you or your boyfriend so I really can't make a recommendation on that. If this is a big enough deal to you that you just can't stomach it, I suppose go ahead and let him go. However, if you think your boyfriend is a great catch, and you'll regret it if you let him go over this, then look inside yourself and find a way to deal with it. Either way it'll probably be tough, but I think if you at least make a deal with yourself to stop fighting with your boyfriend over it, your relationship will be happier.
stace79 Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 I had this EXACT same problem in my relationship, but with the added bonus that my fiance actually did break up with me to "resolve" things with his ex. He dated her casually for all of about two months and realized that all the old problems were there. When we then got back together, he insisted on staying her "friend" and told me word for word what your bf said -- that I couldn't tell him who to be friends with. This went on for almost two years, me being insecure about his friendship with her. He would talk to her about our problems, and once or twice when we fought he would call her right away. I got sick of it and decided I would not -- and didn't have to -- be with a man who made me so insecure by continuing on with that friendship. I always blamed her for it, too, up until the time I had this realization. So I broke up with him. Trust me, it took no less than two weeks for him to e-mail her and tell her not to talk to him anymore. If he didn't want to talk to her anymore, or if your feelings were of the highest importance to him, he would stop talking to her. You need to break this thing off for good, and be prepared for it to be over. If you are this unhappy about something, he should do something to try and fix it. He either doesn't see you as long-term potential or is just walking on your feelings because you ALLOW him to! No woman has to put up with this bullcrap. There are plenty of other guys out there; if they don't make you a priority or they constantly do things to upset you, then ditch them and move on to someone else!
hoping2heal Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 It's going to remain a problem in your relationship until he cuts his ties with her. I was in your same situation, except I was the one with the friend, and I didn't allow it to go on for very long. I quit speaking with him for awhile, and then eventually made the call to make it "official" that things were over. It was causing a lot of stress and jealousy on my partner, and I can't say I blame him. If your partner is supposed to comitt to you, but is choosing someone over you; Which, make no mistake; when we can choose what makes that friend of the opposite sex happy over what makes our partner happy; it does cause waves and understandbly so. I had my friend for 8 years, and I'm fine with it. This is the person I'm going to marry I don't want him feeling he plays second fiddle to anyone; so if your fiance just "cannot bear" to let this girl go; I think there's a big sign there.
stace79 Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 This is the person I'm going to marry I don't want him feeling he plays second fiddle to anyone; so if your fiance just "cannot bear" to let this girl go; I think there's a big sign there. This is exactly what my now-fiance said when I asked him why he changed his mind. He came to the conclusion that he wanted to marry me, and if we are married then my comfort is most important. Granted, if it was something unreasonable like just demanding he stop being friends with a guy friend I disliked or something, that's different. But I don't think OP is being unreasonable. Good for you for realizing what was important to you.
hoping2heal Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 This is exactly what my now-fiance said when I asked him why he changed his mind. He came to the conclusion that he wanted to marry me, and if we are married then my comfort is most important. Granted, if it was something unreasonable like just demanding he stop being friends with a guy friend I disliked or something, that's different. But I don't think OP is being unreasonable. Good for you for realizing what was important to you. Yes, exactly! It's not like he is asking me to give up all my friends. My guy friend was never a bf, but we did have sex before. I know I made the right choice and I'm happy with it, I've never regretted it once. That guy was in my life as my past, I want my future to be with my current partner, he gives me everything I need, I don't need it from an external source and I never had romantic feelings for my friend. So there was no reason I couldn't end things.
Author esl77 Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 I want to thank you all for your input. His parents have both been in touch with me repeatedly today (we talk a lot anyway, I'm very close to his family!) asking what's going on. They said this girl isn't welcome in their home and they too think he has no business talking to or seeing her, but he refuses to listen to anyone. I've come to the realization that he is selfish and cares more about him than me, he's admitted that, he said when you're selfless, you're putting yourself in a position to be taken advantage of or controlled, and no woman is going to control him, etc. etc. I'm not sure if he's the 'one' long-term or not, we are very opposite, we love each other despite that and have remained together through some tough times. If he didn't really love me, the few times he's threatened to break up with me over this issue would have actually happened and he would be gone, but he has gotten 'aggravated' that I refuse to accept his friend many times in the past and always gets over it after a couple of days, begging to be part of my life. We aren't engaged anymore, we broke it off in April (haha, that's her name, what are the odds?) actually to see how things went, we've stayed together and lived together until early July. I hear what you're saying, I just don't really want to hear it because I'm sure it's the truth and it hurts deep down to have an outsider confirm what I suspected all along. We broke up for 2.5 weeks in November because of her, he ran straight to her with all of our problems, nothing happened between them, he's not interested in her as anything more than a friend (not sure what her intentions are), but he came crawling back once he realized what a good thing he'd lost, but he didn't get rid of her, he never offered to even though that's the main reason he dumped me was because I bitched at him for seeing/talking to her (it's about every other month or so they meet for lunch or whatever.) So I can only assume from that that he truly doesn't love me or he would be willing to let her go, even if he has only known me for a little over a year and has known her for 11. To me that makes no difference, it's who has been there by your side through it all, and that would be me, not her.... I guess my only option, as hard to follow through with as it is, is to let him go. Thus far he refuses to bend and try to see it from my perspective, only says I refuse to accept the situation and we constantly fight about it every time she calls. She knows what she's doing, I know what she's doing, I'm not an idiot, she only toys with him (and he's a DA for letting her) when she has time and it's convenient. For the longest time- several months- he never would answer the phone or return her calls because he knew it would piss me off. Then about last March, he up and decided I wasn't going to keep him from seeing her when he wanted to- and according to him (keep in mind he has diarrhea of the mouth when he's ticked) this morning could be every week if he so desired. Now I know that's not going to happen, supposedly she has a life, she just won't quit calling him here and there and he won't say no. I guess I just don't understand, they barely speak/see each other, so why is it so hard to let it go and call the past the past? He's really stubborn and strong willed anyway, and the type of guy that if he doesn't get the reaction he's looking for he would probably quit. He expects me to get mad when she calls. My only alternative to dumping him once and for all is to just not care. I'm becoming pretty immune to it all anyway despite what I've written because it's been going on since I met him, which btw I think he's seen her a total of about 10-12 times in the past year if that much. Am I overreacting? I'm really not an insecure person, I wasn't before this anyway. thanks for the input guys, it's helped to get your opinions, just need to make a decision....
justpassingthrough Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 You need to make a decision, eh? How about deciding your feelings are just as important as his, not less. You're not choosing his friends, either. He should big the big boy and realize the woman who agreed to dedicate the rest of her life to him has value, more value than the woman who likes the attention that comes from getting in the middle and perpetuating conflict. No, he needs to make the right decision himself. If he doesn't, break wide. He should have done it a long, long time ago. You do know this is a three-way power struggle, don't you? Can you see it?
Author esl77 Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 Well, he and I had a lengthy conversation on this issue last night without him getting mad or defensive for once. He's a very absolute type of person, once he's made up his mind about something (such as this), it's done. Supposedly none of his other ex's before me made a fuss about this friend of his. That said, I know his ex-wife of 6 years didn't like the girl and made a big deal out of it for a while just like I have, then she agreed to meet her and everything was okay, but that's his version. I see no reason to have any dealings with her. I don't want to meet someone that my boyfriend has slept with in the past. I only found out last night that the reason they broke up is because they 'couldn't get along', per him, but she dumped him, not the other way around. He said he would have stayed with her anyway had she not done that. he even had the audacity to tell me he's physically attracted to her, but he wouldn't act on it. He said if she came up to him right now and said she wanted him back, he would say no (he's always been brutally honest but this I'm not sure about), he's fine with me. He said that no one knows what the future holds and what might happen 5 years down the road, but he doesn't want to get back together with her. To me, I'm reading into it that he's holding out for her to change her mind and want him back, then at that point he'd probably jump on it and I'd be history. I could be wrong, but I don't know anymore. Obviously, or at least IMO, the only reason she insists on speaking to him/occasionally seeing him is because she knows it's the card she can play and it will cause a fight between the 2 of us, she's very aware that I don't like her and get pissed when his phone rings and it's her, yet she continues to do it anyway. I'm not stupid, she's trying to keep something going though he contends she's just wanting to hang out here and there and she isn't doing anything wrong, yea right. He said he would not give up a friend that he's had for 10+ years because I'm 'jealous' or whatever with her, it wasn't my place to try and tell him who he can and can't be friends with, and he was going to see her when he wanted to, no one (not just me, anyone in general) was going to stop him. He is willing to let me go over this 'principle', as he calls it. Me, who's done everything for him for the past year+. She's a nothing, a nobody he hardly speaks to, she only likes to come around to get things stirred up. She told him the only reason she didn't try to hang out with him more was because of me and my issue with the friendship. He and I hardly ever get along, we were raised entirely different, have different backgrounds, political views, etc. but he refuses to leave me. He gets mad, says he's leaving me, then the next day he's changed his mind. I told him when he pulled this **** on me Wed night it won't happen again. If he wants to act like this, get out of my life and stay out, this isn't a revolving door and there won't be a next time, and I mean it. I'm tired of the bull**** and drama. If I didn't truly care for him and love him none of this would be an issue for me, but I'm having a hard time letting him go.... I'm an idiot I guess.
justpassingthrough Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 If I didn't truly care for him and love him none of this would be an issue for me, but I'm having a hard time letting him go.... I'm an idiot I guess. Yeah, but are you feeling truly cared for and loved, or made to feel like an idiot? My father once told me, "It hurts really bad until the next one comes along." He was right.
freestyle Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 I`m wondering, was he a rebellious sort of teenager? Did he have issues with his parents regarding who he chose to hang out with? I`ve been in a similar situation, (his ex was calling his landline in the middle of the night, talk about a moodkiller:mad:!!!!) Is it possible that this is a teenage behavior he has yet to outgrow? ("You`re not gonna tell ME who I can or can`t hang with!!) Maybe he`s still punishing his parents but it has transferred to you........................just a theory
stace79 Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 Well, he and I had a lengthy conversation on this issue last night without him getting mad or defensive for once. He's a very absolute type of person, once he's made up his mind about something (such as this), it's done. Supposedly none of his other ex's before me made a fuss about this friend of his. That said, I know his ex-wife of 6 years didn't like the girl and made a big deal out of it for a while just like I have, then she agreed to meet her and everything was okay, but that's his version. I see no reason to have any dealings with her. I don't want to meet someone that my boyfriend has slept with in the past. I only found out last night that the reason they broke up is because they 'couldn't get along', per him, but she dumped him, not the other way around. He said he would have stayed with her anyway had she not done that. he even had the audacity to tell me he's physically attracted to her, but he wouldn't act on it. He said if she came up to him right now and said she wanted him back, he would say no (he's always been brutally honest but this I'm not sure about), he's fine with me. He said that no one knows what the future holds and what might happen 5 years down the road, but he doesn't want to get back together with her. To me, I'm reading into it that he's holding out for her to change her mind and want him back, then at that point he'd probably jump on it and I'd be history. I could be wrong, but I don't know anymore. Obviously, or at least IMO, the only reason she insists on speaking to him/occasionally seeing him is because she knows it's the card she can play and it will cause a fight between the 2 of us, she's very aware that I don't like her and get pissed when his phone rings and it's her, yet she continues to do it anyway. I'm not stupid, she's trying to keep something going though he contends she's just wanting to hang out here and there and she isn't doing anything wrong, yea right. He said he would not give up a friend that he's had for 10+ years because I'm 'jealous' or whatever with her, it wasn't my place to try and tell him who he can and can't be friends with, and he was going to see her when he wanted to, no one (not just me, anyone in general) was going to stop him. He is willing to let me go over this 'principle', as he calls it. Me, who's done everything for him for the past year+. She's a nothing, a nobody he hardly speaks to, she only likes to come around to get things stirred up. She told him the only reason she didn't try to hang out with him more was because of me and my issue with the friendship. He and I hardly ever get along, we were raised entirely different, have different backgrounds, political views, etc. but he refuses to leave me. He gets mad, says he's leaving me, then the next day he's changed his mind. I told him when he pulled this **** on me Wed night it won't happen again. If he wants to act like this, get out of my life and stay out, this isn't a revolving door and there won't be a next time, and I mean it. I'm tired of the bull**** and drama. If I didn't truly care for him and love him none of this would be an issue for me, but I'm having a hard time letting him go.... I'm an idiot I guess. Please, PLEASE hear me when I tell you to get out now. I put up with this crap for three years, and I tell you from experience that until you put your foot down, you will not get what you want. You MUST make a demand and stick to it. He MUST choose either you or her. Sure, he might choose her, but if he does BELIEVE me when I say you do NOT want him anyway! I am hoping that my three years of this bullcrap serve to help you. He is saying word for word what my boyfriend used to tell me about his ex/friend. He is now my fiance, and he has come clean and said that the part of him refusing to stop being her friend was the part of him holding on to the idea of being with her again. I hope you make a smart choice here. You can control whether you are happy or not -- don't let him continue to hold you as second best in his life.
Author esl77 Posted August 17, 2009 Author Posted August 17, 2009 Thank you Stace. You're right and I know it, it's still just hard to think that after everything I've done for him and we've been through, he might choose her. She doesn't want him anyway and honestly I think that if he and I actually broke up and stuck to it this time, he'd end up in a series of meaningless relationships with no commitment from this point on. I realize he's under a lot of pressure between financial obligations and work, then the tension between us, etc. but still, I will never be comfortable with the situation and he knows that. I told him last week (he texted me) that I was not playing second best to some old ex girlfriend who means (or should mean) nothing, he said he wasn't putting me second, that they were just friends and I was unable to accept that..... Whatever, she's not welcome around his family, no one likes her, no one even speaks to her anymore, and unfortunately, he's in the position right now of having to live at home with them since I moved him out of my apartment! I am not going to bring the subject up right now for other reasons, but believe me, it will come up again and when it does, that's it. I had a backbone before I met him, but I've lost it somewhere along the way. He will most likely choose her, not because of her, but because he sticks to his 'principles' and is the most stubborn man I've ever met. I asked him the other night (after this blew over) if he thought this chick was the one, because I told him I thought she was and he couldn't move past it, he said no way (and he's only lied to me 1 time for a reason, he never lies and is not a cheater, rare but true), he said if anyone was the 'one' it was me, no one from his past. I don't know..... Thank you.
stace79 Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 I have heard it all. It won't change until you do something about it. Yes, he may choose her or "his principles", but again, do you really want a guy who will disregard your emotions and feelings to stand on his principles? That's called inflexibility and selfishness! I fought with my now-fiance over all the same things. I told him if he was choosing being her friend over my feelings, then he in fact was choosing her over me. I know it is hard -- it took me three years to realize that I would never get over it, and even though I would be very sad and miss him for awhile, in the long run I would NEVER be happy in a relationship with him if he was still talking to his ex. At least you got him out of your place for now -- that was one thing that held me to him for so long, too -- living with him! Be strong - you have to look out for yourself some. If he goes through a bunch of meaningless relationships when you break up with him, well too bad for him. Karma is a beyotch! Thank you Stace. You're right and I know it, it's still just hard to think that after everything I've done for him and we've been through, he might choose her. She doesn't want him anyway and honestly I think that if he and I actually broke up and stuck to it this time, he'd end up in a series of meaningless relationships with no commitment from this point on. I realize he's under a lot of pressure between financial obligations and work, then the tension between us, etc. but still, I will never be comfortable with the situation and he knows that. I told him last week (he texted me) that I was not playing second best to some old ex girlfriend who means (or should mean) nothing, he said he wasn't putting me second, that they were just friends and I was unable to accept that..... Whatever, she's not welcome around his family, no one likes her, no one even speaks to her anymore, and unfortunately, he's in the position right now of having to live at home with them since I moved him out of my apartment! I am not going to bring the subject up right now for other reasons, but believe me, it will come up again and when it does, that's it. I had a backbone before I met him, but I've lost it somewhere along the way. He will most likely choose her, not because of her, but because he sticks to his 'principles' and is the most stubborn man I've ever met. I asked him the other night (after this blew over) if he thought this chick was the one, because I told him I thought she was and he couldn't move past it, he said no way (and he's only lied to me 1 time for a reason, he never lies and is not a cheater, rare but true), he said if anyone was the 'one' it was me, no one from his past. I don't know..... Thank you.
Loveisabattlefield Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Within reason, yes. However, any partnership may result in friendships of both the same and opposite sexes that your partner doesn't like. That doesn't give your partner the right to demand that you cease being friends with that person. No, it certainly doesn't give her the right to make any demands...but it certainly doesn't discredit her feelings! I certainly think that if he really loved her he would take steps to help her feel more comfortable with the situation. I ended a three year relationship with a man I loved so much because he just could seem to let go of his first love...
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