CD111 Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Since my step back into the dating world. I have decided to be less picky initially and give more men a chance with no certain expectations. As a result I now find myself with numerous guys asking me out on dates. Which I am completely fine with, how else am I going to figure out what I really want. However, I have never done this before. I am not looking to start sleeping with any or all of them, but instead to actually get to know them before I decide to get sexual. I don't want to lead anyone on and I don't want to have to run around covering my tracks. Because I really am not doing anything wrong. So far I have only been on three dates with one guy and have another date with a different guy tomorrow. Guy #1 wants to go on a ride this weekend and guy #2 wants to come over to chop some wood...for real...this weekend. Guy #3 wants to do dinner sometimes this week. Phew So some words of wisdom are needed...thank you
dreamergrl Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 I'm doing the same. I def need a little black book, some down time, and a calender.
Vet Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Since my step back into the dating world. I have decided to be less picky initially and give more men a chance with no certain expectations. As a result I now find myself with numerous guys asking me out on dates. Which I am completely fine with, how else am I going to figure out what I really want. However, I have never done this before. I am not looking to start sleeping with any or all of them, but instead to actually get to know them before I decide to get sexual. I don't want to lead anyone on and I don't want to have to run around covering my tracks. Because I really am not doing anything wrong. So far I have only been on three dates with one guy and have another date with a different guy tomorrow. Guy #1 wants to go on a ride this weekend and guy #2 wants to come over to chop some wood...for real...this weekend. Guy #3 wants to do dinner sometimes this week. Phew So some words of wisdom are needed...thank you I think you're doing it exactly right. People get put in this rut of their "type" and they don't realize that they don't always know what's best for them. So I commend you for that. I think the best way to handle this is to be very honest and open with them, and not to let things get too serious. If things start getting serious, then you either need to slow them down or nail it down to one person. There's no reason (besides their consent) you can't have sex with anyone you want. Do it with them all, do it with one, do it with none. But most importantly, don't get tied down too quickly to someone you aren't crazy about. Good luck.
Author CD111 Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 I don't even know how to mention it. Do I just say it up front. By the way I am dating other men as well.
2sure Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 I was a serial dater for years. And not in a bad way for the most part. I wasnt ready for a relationship OR I was shopping for just the right one. So, dating multiple guys can be fun or it can be inconvenient. The thing is to not sleep with them, or with most of them - whatever you prefer. Once you have sex with them, a relationship may be implied. Be as honest as you can "I'm enjoying being single right now" and/or "I'm exploring myself right now and dont feel I can offer a commitment to someone Else." Its fine to let a guy know you are Casually Dating other guys. But NEVER talk about one with the other, NEVER rub his nose in it. The most important two things: 1. If you already have a date and cannot see a guy: "I'm busy that day" Do NOT explain further. Offer an alternate day if you wish. If pressed, simply repeat the same statement. If he cant get past that, he cant deal with your playing the field even casually. 2. DO NOT have a scheduling conflict. There is nothing crueler or more humiliating than to have 2 men come to your home to pick you up at the same time.
sally4sara Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 I was a serial dater for years. And not in a bad way for the most part. I wasnt ready for a relationship OR I was shopping for just the right one. So, dating multiple guys can be fun or it can be inconvenient. The thing is to not sleep with them, or with most of them - whatever you prefer. Once you have sex with them, a relationship may be implied. Be as honest as you can "I'm enjoying being single right now" and/or "I'm exploring myself right now and dont feel I can offer a commitment to someone Else." Its fine to let a guy know you are Casually Dating other guys. But NEVER talk about one with the other, NEVER rub his nose in it. The most important two things: 1. If you already have a date and cannot see a guy: "I'm busy that day" Do NOT explain further. Offer an alternate day if you wish. If pressed, simply repeat the same statement. If he cant get past that, he cant deal with your playing the field even casually. 2. DO NOT have a scheduling conflict. There is nothing crueler or more humiliating than to have 2 men come to your home to pick you up at the same time. This is solid. Once you let a guy know you're still accepting other invites, he knows ALL he needs to know unless things change for you. If you decide to start dating someone else exclusively, you will (of course) need to clue the others in.
Thaddeus Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 I fully agree that you should be up-front about it as soon as possible. There are dangers, though: They may sense, rightly or wrongly, that you're putting them in competition with one another to find out which one will chase you the hardest, and the man (or men) may think that's just manipulative and not want any further contact. You may attract a chaser who's interested in the chase and eventual conquest but has little interest in a meaningful relationship. So just be aware that multi-dating comes with some associated risks.
2sure Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 I would say you dont have to explain your intentions at all until it comes to the date you either have sex, are asked for sex, or want sex. At that point you have to be up front.
amerikajin Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 I don't think you have to tell your dates that you're dating other guys, and I would definitely not bring up other men by name or anything specific like that. Instead, just be straight up and tell them off the bat that you're not looking for anything serious right now. If they ask if you're dating other guys, you probably at least ought to say that it's not something you consider to be out of the question or off-limits. You're at least being honest enough to tell them what they need to know. If they press and ask if you're dating other guys and it bothers you to not be completely open about it, then you might just want to go ahead and tell them what they already suspect.
Trialbyfire Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 CD, whenever I've multi-dated, it's with the clear understanding that I'm doing it. There's only been one man who took offense to it and at first was fine, until he came face-to-face with the other guy. Where it sometimes goes off, is that even though you're clear about multi-dating, people will believe what they want to believe, no matter how many times you say it. This happened with two men who assumed a relationship v. casual dating, since we'd been dating for a couple of months. I never led them to believe we were in a relationship, albeit dated for a couple of months, once a week.
JohnP82 Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 I fully agree that you should be up-front about it as soon as possible. There are dangers, though: They may sense, rightly or wrongly, that you're putting them in competition with one another to find out which one will chase you the hardest, and the man (or men) may think that's just manipulative and not want any further contact. You may attract a chaser who's interested in the chase and eventual conquest but has little interest in a meaningful relationship. So just be aware that multi-dating comes with some associated risks. This is good advice. I can only speak for myself but if I knew that I was dating someone and there were other guys in the picture I don't think I would take the situation seriously. I would honestly not put much effort into it. (Maybe that's the point) I wouldn't say that I would be put off, but I probably would care less.
CaliGuy Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Since my step back into the dating world. I have decided to be less picky initially and give more men a chance with no certain expectations. As a result I now find myself with numerous guys asking me out on dates. Which I am completely fine with, how else am I going to figure out what I really want. However, I have never done this before. I am not looking to start sleeping with any or all of them, but instead to actually get to know them before I decide to get sexual. I don't want to lead anyone on and I don't want to have to run around covering my tracks. Because I really am not doing anything wrong. So far I have only been on three dates with one guy and have another date with a different guy tomorrow. Guy #1 wants to go on a ride this weekend and guy #2 wants to come over to chop some wood...for real...this weekend. Guy #3 wants to do dinner sometimes this week. Phew So some words of wisdom are needed...thank you You're doing fine. Just make sure you keep dates in your calendar, you don't mix up their names and above all, you don't get sexual with any of them. That means no kissing either. If they can't wait and be patient for you then they don't deserve you.
You'reasian Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Tell the guys you're out to have as much fun as possible in the moment and really aren't looking. When women shoot straight like that you can date alot of us guys.
Teslacoil Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 I would say you dont have to explain your intentions at all until it comes to the date you either have sex, are asked for sex, or want sex. At that point you have to be up front. I disagree. Sex is an important milestone, certainly. I'd say you definitely should explain things before sex comes into the picture. However, I think by the 3rd to 5th date, you should be able to mention to the guy(s) that you're seeing other people. You give the guys a chance to decide if they want to date you in the same context. Otherwise you're just stringing them along. The guy might be seeing other people, he might not. He might be okay with you seeing other people, he might not. Give him a choice about it. For example, I'd be pretty upset if I'd gone out with a girl 5 or 6 times, we were doing great, I was hoping to get a little more intimate... maybe we're past the dinner and a movie, and we're at the "Let me make you dinner at my place" stage.... and in the middle of dinner she mentions it. I suppose that would be better than mentioning it as Pillow Talk, but really, couldn't you have said it 2 dates ago before I started getting really interested? Just my 2 cents.
pandagirl Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 I was recently on the other end of the casual dating dance. I had been dating a guy for two months. Went out on 12 dates with him. Finally, I brought up the subject of sex with him and told him I expected if things got sexual, we'd only be sleeping with each other. Well, he had been dating and sleeping with another woman the entire time. After 12 dates. He said he never intended on us becoming serious. Thanks. Could of told me that 9 dates ago.
Author CD111 Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 To clarify, I am sure that eventually I would like to get into a serious relationship and I do think I am ready for that. I don't want to casually date men for the next three years. That is completely not my plan. However, before I do get involved in a serious relationship I would like to get to know the person better. I have just jumped in into serious relationships way too fast. I don't want to be manipulative and I am not looking to see how much a man will chase me. I am trying to figure out if I am actually compatible with them. If I find that I am not then I will let them know. If I hit it off with one of them then great. I won't string the others along. I definitely understand the no sex part, but I personally need to kiss a guy to figure out if there is chemistry on that aspect.
You'reasian Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I've done fine with women who were upfront and said they were looking for fun in the moment. I've done even better with women who were serious relationship material, because they are so good to me. I don't do the let's see unless its with a FWB understanding.
redhighheels Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Sounds like you have it pretty much figured out, OP. As long as you're being honest and take your time when it comes to intimacy, you're free to date as many people as you like. Three men in the dating rotation is pretty much the ideal number. Like they say, a pair and a spare.
carhill Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 My first response is "Enjoy yourself" Sounds like a good way of expanding your horizons, relationship-wise. I don't even know how to mention it. Do I just say it up front. By the way I am dating other men as well. After the first date, if you are interested in getting to know the gentleman better, sure. I definitely understand the no sex part, but I personally need to kiss a guy to figure out if there is chemistry on that aspect. Sexual intimacy is up to you. If you are, "I'm sexually active" is fine. You (and he) choose if and who with you are sexually active. If you're single and dating multiple men, having physical non-sexual intimacy is normal. No one 'owns' your lips If you were up-front with me, I'd have no problem dating you. Hope that helps
Lizzie60 Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I say.. go for it.. Enjoy them all!!! None of them have to know about the others.. you're not committed to any of them.. so.. just relax and enjoy..
carhill Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 OP, if you were just casually dating with no interest in nor expectations of a LTR, I would understand and support a philosophy of non-disclosure, since you would not expect to have a future with any of the men you date. Here's where it gets tricky and you have to look in the mirror a bit. Could you look at the man on the other side of the table who told you he was looking for a LTR and, later, you discover or suspect he is or has been dating other woman without disclosing his activities to you, and feel OK with that? If you can, I support Lizzie's advice for you completely. I'm not passing judgement on right and wrong here, rather on how you would feel. We're all different. Would that feeling be negative, neutral or positive? Has it happened to you? Past experience can be helpful in guidance as well as growth. You may be a different person now. Anyway, I thought the psychology of tell vs don't tell to be interesting. Hope it works out
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