llala Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 After 3 years of me being the one to end it with my boyfriend, he finally broke up with me last month. It was kind of mutual though. Anyways, I feel like lost all of the post break up power because I contacted him 3x First: to wish him luck on chat. he just treated me like **** and said he never wanted me. (I know he loved me very much, so this hurt). Second: I sent him an email the next day, trying to be the bigger person. "Good luck" Third: I broke down after a week and emailed him saying i wanted to see him to wish him well. Though he probably thought I wanted to get back with him, after he's gotten another girl. He was nicer in his reply, told me we'd talk again but he wasnt ready now. The thought of me feeding into his ego makes me want to vomit. After I emailed him a "Sorry for bothering. Just wanted to say goodluck. Bye". Message, i cut all contact, deleted everything i knew of him. He's moving soon, pretty far away. I was wondering if me going No Contact, after him basically prancing and laughing in my face before, will make him feel bad eventually. Does NC get you respect regardless of what you did? I don't want him back. But like I said, the thought of his ego growing at my expense makes me want to vomit.
Author llala Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 Also, many people tell me not to worry. Because apparently what I did was nothing compared to what many people do. (Beg, cry, etc)
silic0ntoad Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 NC is all about you moving on. To hell with respect in his eyes. It's your turn to be selfish and demanding- NC works if you want it too. But you need to stick to it to get over him, not get him back. Regardless of grovelling and begging, or NC, they will only come back if they want too. In the mean time, you need to get over him, and NC is the only way I know how to get over anyone. It's working wonders for me. I don't think you did anything wrong.
NightLord1 Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 NC is all about you moving on. To hell with respect in his eyes. It's your turn to be selfish and demanding- NC works if you want it too. But you need to stick to it to get over him, not get him back. Regardless of grovelling and begging, or NC, they will only come back if they want too. In the mean time, you need to get over him, and NC is the only way I know how to get over anyone. It's working wonders for me. I don't think you did anything wrong. Sil is right. No contact may gain their respect for you more because you are being strong and showing self respect by not caving in to contact them. They won't CONSCIOUSLY think about it but it will trigger something in them subconsciously that will make them appreciate you more for it. Men do get egos when their exes are begging and pleading for them to come back...hell even if you weren't begging or pleading but just contacting they still will get an ego boost because your contacting them in any way. If hes moving and he was behaving the way he was when you contacted him then hes making it clear he doesn't want to really talk to you. It could take a couple of weeks of NC before he realizes you are truly gone but he is a guy and guys typically come around quicker then a woman does when they realize they do not have something there anymore that they used to appreciate and love.
Author llala Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 NightLord1, after reading this board for a while, I really take into your posts. You seem to have a lot of experience thank you. My only question was wondering if contacting 2-3 times (in the way i said) will ruin my chances forever? Probably not. It's not like i contacted him 20 times. Just 2-3, short/brief messages. Is it the same for men and women? Would a woman get her ego boost the same as men? Only, to later say "Oh ...he's really gone" when they realized the other person has gone NC for good? I know i shouldnt think about this. Im feeling so much better now. And im also curious about the men vs. women differences. ps- I just feel a bit disappointed. I've been so good to him, and he even called me 3-4 days before the break up to tell me he loved me so much when i was out with my friends. But we started to fight every day about stupid things. Work, life...and 1 day we left saying "Goodbye for good". I know he still has feelings for me, but this girl came around , so things are stalled at the moment.
NightLord1 Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 NightLord1, after reading this board for a while, I really take into your posts. You seem to have a lot of experience thank you. My only question was wondering if contacting 2-3 times (in the way i said) will ruin my chances forever? Probably not. It's not like i contacted him 20 times. Just 2-3, short/brief messages. Is it the same for men and women? Would a woman get her ego boost the same as men? Only, to later say "Oh ...he's really gone" when they realized the other person has gone NC for good? I know i shouldnt think about this. Im feeling so much better now. And im also curious about the men vs. women differences. ps- I just feel a bit disappointed. I've been so good to him, and he even called me 3-4 days before the break up to tell me he loved me so much when i was out with my friends. But we started to fight every day about stupid things. Work, life...and 1 day we left saying "Goodbye for good". I know he still has feelings for me, but this girl came around , so things are stalled at the moment. If there is a chance that he will want to come back contacting him those times will NOT completely ruin your chances IF you can leave him alone and remain with NC from here on out. Women will indeed feel this but it typically takes longer because in many cases a woman that dumps a guy has another guy around to hang out with and talk to and this diverts her attention away from their ex until the new guy screws up with her. When they do she will begin to think about her ex and that is when they will miss him. This isn't always the case of course but seems to be the most common. Women act on feelings not on logic. When they feel strongly about something at any give time they act on those feelings and nothing will stop them from doing so. A guy will sit there and toss a feeling around forever breaking it down and breaking it down before acting. BUT...a guy always comes to a conclusion about that feeling and will act on it when he does. A woman can take forever before she finally realizes the feeling she has is there and it hits her logic button. And when it does hit the logic button the woman will panic and just HAVE to see or talk to their ex if they have not heard from them in however long. He probably does love you but got bored and he didn't want to confront you with breaking up and he took the cowards way out. If he truly loves you he will miss you and want to see what is going on with you new girl or not. Hell...it could turn out to be a good thing he has someone else because he may just compare the new girl to you and if she doesn't work out he may miss you more. Just my thoughts
Author llala Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 Well the odds are he wont look favorably to me. I'm 22 still in college. He's a bit older and she's 32, beautiful and rich. I heard she took him to the alps a few weeks ago. It seems weird I know for a woman to do that, but it's the way it happened.
NightLord1 Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Well the odds are he wont look favorably to me. I'm 22 still in college. He's a bit older and she's 32, beautiful and rich. I heard she took him to the alps a few weeks ago. It seems weird I know for a woman to do that, but it's the way it happened. She could be a playboy bunny super model and it still doesn't make a difference. If he misses you he will miss you and want to see what is going with you. Money, looks, what you own, don't mean s h i t when you miss someone because you miss THEM for THEM not because of anything else.
Author llala Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 and thanks again NightLord1. The reason I asked to compare men and women is because my brother is going through the same issue, but he doesnt want to talk much about it. During the time when they'd usually get back together a more mature type of guy swooped in and took her. But the break happened much more recently. 4 weeks i'd say. It's funny how alike we are though. He did nearly the same thing, friendly contact, and both of us didnt want to sacrifice our egos but realized that we were bugging our exes more than anything. So that's why my question had a double meaning. My situation looks favorable, but his girl will be alone soon once she starts work in another city and feels alone. Maybe he might get a bit lucky. I feel as bad for him as I do for myself. What do you think? Do you think that a girl being alone in an estranged small city. Would she think about the ex or the new guy? They dated for a bit over 3 years. ((((I made a mistake about that before. I wrote that my ex was moving. I mixed our stories. Sorry.))))
Author llala Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 Im asking because, like you said, women love to have other guys lined up and ready to take the place. But what happens when the new guy isnt around anymore?
offset_man Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 I believe that you need to wait for the other woman to screw up, and it always happens. when we meet someone they are perfect. We see nothing wrong, but there are always lots of things wrong, whether it be a chemistry issue of personality. My ex and I were completely in love but i spent two months basically busy and away as did she. Neither of us had any time for the other, although we stayed in touch, we weren't intimate and saw little of each other. She met someone in that period, but she said she wasn't attracted to him the way she was to me (had little hands and feet, she said) and apparently complained to her she didn't find him "good looking". But she told me that "he had a big heart". Look -when love is new, it is good, but I am sorry, that there is always something wrong and the longer it goes on it will become a bigger issue. That is when you need to resume contact, or perhaps your ex will do that. It is a question probably of timing. I too have made some contact however have had absolutely no response whatsoever to my mail, so obviosuly the time is no right. But some day, if I care, it will be. I don't care how long it will be but it will happen. It can't last. So my advice would be to give it time for the lustre to fade from the new relationship, as it will.
NightLord1 Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 and thanks again NightLord1. The reason I asked to compare men and women is because my brother is going through the same issue, but he doesnt want to talk much about it. During the time when they'd usually get back together a more mature type of guy swooped in and took her. But the break happened much more recently. 4 weeks i'd say. It's funny how alike we are though. He did nearly the same thing, friendly contact, and both of us didnt want to sacrifice our egos but realized that we were bugging our exes more than anything. So that's why my question had a double meaning. My situation looks favorable, but his girl will be alone soon once she starts work in another city and feels alone. Maybe he might get a bit lucky. I feel as bad for him as I do for myself. What do you think? Do you think that a girl being alone in an estranged small city. Would she think about the ex or the new guy? They dated for a bit over 3 years. ((((I made a mistake about that before. I wrote that my ex was moving. I mixed our stories. Sorry.)))) Thats hard to say about your bro. If his woman is moving to a new place in a new city then she may be so overwhelmed by it all that she will be more focused on all the newness then want to think about him. Now on the bright side they have a long history together...three years is a long time in a relationship so when she does begin to get home sick she will think about your bro no doubt and i'm sure she will miss him. BUT...she will miss the comfort of him and the comfort of her old home and she may not necessarily miss HIM for HIM you know what I mean? If she is moving then she is looking for a new life and she will no doubt want to have a new relationship to go with that. Best advice to your brother would be to let her go and experience this move and to of course remain in NC and see if she gets a hold of him.
Author llala Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 Well they were madly in love. But I hate her for the way she is treating him ever since she got the new guy. I just wonder who an ex thinks about when finally alone to think...the ex or the new person? I guess that question pertains to me and others here too. You guys have been great!
NightLord1 Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Well they were madly in love. But I hate her for the way she is treating him ever since she got the new guy. I just wonder who an ex thinks about when finally alone to think...the ex or the new person? I guess that question pertains to me and others here too. You guys have been great! It really depends...typically when anyone jumps right over to someone else after being with another person it is a rebound relationship that won't last at all and typically the old ex will win out in terms of that. It depends on the person of course...but that seems to be how it normally goes.
carnegie Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Now on the bright side they have a long history together...three years is a long time in a relationship so when she does begin to get home sick she will think about your bro no doubt and i'm sure she will miss him. BUT...she will miss the comfort of him and the comfort of her old home and she may not necessarily miss HIM for HIM you know what I mean? If she is moving then she is looking for a new life and she will no doubt want to have a new relationship to go with that. Best advice to your brother would be to let her go and experience this move and to of course remain in NC and see if she gets a hold of him. I am in the same story with her brother now! My ex is going to a new city with new university, and i think she will miss me. But, is there any chance for me to get her back, to get her feelings?
NightLord1 Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I am in the same story with her brother now! My ex is going to a new city with new university, and i think she will miss me. But, is there any chance for me to get her back, to get her feelings? Honestly I wouldn't hold my breath. If she is going to a new university and a new city it will be all new to her just like i said before and even though at first she may miss you because its all different and she will get home sick she will have a lot to do and will be busy enough to keep her distracted off of you. Not saying there isn't a chance that she may but honestly if someone is moving out of state or going miles upon miles away it is best to cut the chord and move on because long distance relationships just don't work. If there is a chance that they come back around to your area again then there's nothing wrong seeing what is up with them but otherwise I would just move on. Again I speak from experience so I know full well. Just my thoughts.
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