ladydesigner Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Just wondering if any of you have advice on how to stop obsessing over what was. Is it only the people who get dumped that obsess? I have never in my life felt like this before. I have ALWAYS been able to move on, but from this I just cannot. I have days where I feel like I am truly over my AP but then all of a sudden it comes back and cuts like a knife. The feelings of rejection are overwhelming. My affair partner wasn't even that great of a catch so why should I let this get to me so bad? It is so frustrating. It really is. I just wish I had went NC from the start and not let this other person get the best of me.
Confused4Now Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Just wondering if any of you have advice on how to stop obsessing over what was. Is it only the people who get dumped that obsess? I have never in my life felt like this before. I have ALWAYS been able to move on, but from this I just cannot. I have days where I feel like I am truly over my AP but then all of a sudden it comes back and cuts like a knife. The feelings of rejection are overwhelming. My affair partner wasn't even that great of a catch so why should I let this get to me so bad? It is so frustrating. It really is. I just wish I had went NC from the start and not let this other person get the best of me. It's just to early for you still.....Time ...that's you need is time. Then one day you say wow....I'm not obsessing anymore. Just keep busy and find a hobby.
ladyRN Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 ladyd, try not to think of what you haven't done ie in respect to NC, there's no point in beating yourself up about things even more. Yes there will be days that feel so tough you don't even want to get out of bed in the morning but things do get easier with time. Post on here, write down everything you didn't like about the relationship, every single little negative detail. You'll soon discover that this person wasn't worthy of your affections and love. All I can say is that from my own little experience that initially the feelings of missing someone who ended the relationship just turns out to be the pain of rejection and being alone again. But this passes after a while. I just remember that I was once happy before they walked into my life and I can be again. If anything these things make you stronger and something good will come from it no matter if it doesn't feel that way now. Be easy on yourself and concentrate on just thinking about you (((hugs)))
Devil Inside Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 I understand how you feel. I find myself thinking about my xAP all the time...and then I get upset with myself for doing it. No matter the circumstances or how great a catch the other person was you had a connection. Those emotions do not just vanish into thin air. I, like you, do not have a lot of NC under my belt. I, like you, was not the one that ended it. In the end though...it all hurts. Ending a relationship is hard. Think back to how you got over other break ups. Take care of yourself. Stay busy. When you feel weak come in here and post. Whatever you do, do not contact your AP. Most of all be kind to yourself...this too shall pass.
Montclair0011 Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Oh, I can so relate to the pain and longing that never seems to end. Today I just started crying all over the place. And I even sent an email, which is about the worst thing you can do on the LS list of do's and don'ts. I was much better off when I was doing NC until he contacted me again and I caved. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day and I will not feel like a total idiot and will feel better and be back on track. It goes up and down. Be strong. But be kind to yourself too. Everyone, including my therapist thinks I'm doing well and I just don't see it. I feel like crawiling under my bed and never coming out. My point is we all feel we should be in a much better way but it's not always possible. Even the most together people are sometimes loosing it inside. There is no set time limit to recover and if you have had similar issues in the past I think it takes longer because you recognize the feelings in a more fearful way.
jj33 Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 The crying and the obsessing does stop in time. Its just a matter of time. There is no real substitute for that. The more you focus on other things, things that demand your full attention, phsyical things are good because you need to keep your mind engaged - you cant hit a tennis ball or sail a boat if your mind is elsewhere. But even know hearing from him still triggers things and its been over 2 years. Im not sure it ever goes away. Maybe it does when you meet someone new.
me003 Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I am not sure but for some teh end of an A is horrible . I think it depends on the depth of love and emotional connection that their was. How much they got in your brain. XMM got in good way before teh A begain. I thought of XMM as my best friend, my confidant, my advisor, and maybe I have daddy issues, but like a father (he is not that much older than I am, just spoke wiser). XMM has been by far the hardest to get out of my head and heart. It has been over a year since we broke up for REAL. We have broken NC, but taht is because we have to communicate about work (like once a month thing via email) But regardless it has gotten easier. I also have found it hard to date because regardless of the crumbs MM was giving me, in 4 hours of us being together was more than a single guys can give me in 48 hrs. XMM used his time wisely and made me feel wanted and loved (sick as it sounds). The single guys I have dated were not putting any effort. I even put more effort into it thinking that it was me. They were more interested in getting in my pants than getting in my head or heart.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 LD, My guess is that, for the same reasons someone would enter an A (or any R or situation that was obviously detrimental), it is hard to get over. Something that is built up within yourself, that never truly existed as you'ld like to remeber it... an A, or unrequitted love, comes from within. It's something that wasn't actually realized for what it was, but for what you (anyone, in their mind) wanted it to be. I think sometimes its healthy to have self-admitted fantasies of any kind as long as you take them for that. An escape of sort. If you loose the boundry and actually believe it to be true, actually revolve your life around it, then you come to grieve what you built up, moreso than what actually WAS. Sorry that you are down about this. Stop allowing you to obcess over it and don't allow yourself this fantasy. You'll recover much quicker than if you keep allowing yourself the option.
ednadean Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 it's hard. just focus on the fact that he wasn't a good catch, keep yourself busy, laugh at yourself, write some REALLY bad poetry and catchup for dinners with friends
kuka14 Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I have had NC with my MM for almost two weeks, and I can honestly say that today was the first day I woke up without anxiety, without wanting to rush to the computer to see if he sent me a message, etc. Time is what heals it, but you really have to start focusing on the things that made you happy BEFORE you got into the A. For me, I'm already busy - grad student, gym rat, single mom. Those things took second place to my obsessing about my AP, and that should never happen! My A was brief but intense and I attached quickly to him. Keep talking about it, and like someone mentioned earlier - write down all the negative things about the AP and the A and keep reviewing them so you can realize how much better off you truly are. Unlike you, I actually thought my AP was a great catch and we actually had a wondeful connection in and out of bed. Unfortunately, he can't be mine because he's separated and hoping to work on his marriage, and that is the only thing that matters here. He is committed to someone else right now, and if it's meant to be then it will be in the future. If that happens, great. If it doesn't, I need to be ok with it TODAY and just think of it as a nice surprise if the chance with him (as a non-MM) comes along again. Don't expect anything! You said it yourself - your AP wasn't all that great of a catch. Keep believing that, and in the meantime go do something good for yourself - take a walk to clear your head, go work out, do something good for YOU. The attention you're seeking from your AP will come to you in better, healthier ways if you keep a healthy mind set. Stay busy, stay focused - just not on your AP. It's hard, but you'll get through it!!
Author ladydesigner Posted August 12, 2009 Author Posted August 12, 2009 First of all I wanted to thank everyone for such thoughtful replies, as always LS is golden to me. I think sometimes its healthy to have self-admitted fantasies of any kind as long as you take them for that. An escape of sort. If you loose the boundry and actually believe it to be true, actually revolve your life around it, then you come to grieve what you built up, moreso than what actually WAS. Ifwisheswerehorses this is exactly what has gone on in my mind. I put my R with OM at such a high level/fantasy that I did have my life revolving around that...still do... and I need to focus on what it really WAS. If I did that I probably wouldn't be such a mental wreck. It is amazing how deceiving the mind could be..at least in my case anyways, Thanks again everyone!!! Most of your posts brought me to tears and I appreciate all of your thoughts and advice. I will heed this advice as it is priceless to me...so much better than a therapist sometimes.
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