Scottdmw Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Damn. I just learned that my ex just married someone else. It was a guy she knew before she knew me, that she was always “friends” with. Always talked about how annoying he was and how she couldn't stand to be around him for too long. I trusted the two of them spending time together without a second thought. I really, really hope that hearing this will finally let me stop hoping that we're going to somehow get back together, and stop thinking about whether I should be calling her or something. There is still so much I don't understand about what went on. Things that don't make sense. I know she lied to me about some things and I keep wondering what else was true and what wasn't. I really just want to forget about it all now. There's nothing I can do. I keep thinking that marrying this particular guy is a terrible mistake for her. She started dating him like two weeks after the two of us broke up. I guess it's possible that she always really liked him and not me, but I'm not so sure. Her parents didn't like me, and put her through an enormous amount of pain as long as we were together. I heard her scream on the phone at them and get upset every time they talked. Her parents did really like the other guy. I feel like she married him quite possibly as a combination of a rebound and because she couldn't face the prospect of fighting a battle like that again with some other guy that she might bring home. Most of the women I knew thought the other guy was a loser too. I have a “help other people” streak in me a mile wide. I put up with a lot of stuff from her because I really wanted to do what was best for her and help her with what I thought was a terrible situation with her parents. It ended up really messing me up. Now I still have this insane desire to help her, not as strong as before thank goodness, and I really wish it would just go away. There is nothing I can possibly do to help her. I've been 100% NC with this woman for almost 2 years now, and really another six months before that too. Absolutely no contact of any kind. Too bad it hasn't really helped me get over it that fast. Yes I'm better than I was, but it's been a long time and I feel like it really hasn’t helped much. I feel like we left it pretty badly at the end. She just cut me off without much of a word. We never had much in the way of a closure talk. I never really got to ask her why, for example, she didn't marry me. I mean I kind of know, but it would have been nice to hear from her. It wasn't really my choice though, she cut me off. I felt all along that it was kind of a cruel thing on her part, that she did it to hurt me. Sometimes I'm so angry at myself for still caring about this woman. I just want it to be over. I want so much to be done with the what-if's and the what can I do’s. Scott
bigsmoothness Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Well congratulations, because you are done with her now. There's absolutely zero hope after this. She knows you exist in the world and chose to say yes to a marriage proposal from someone else. You wouldn't want to be with her at this point even if she wanted you back. I went through a very long and similar kind of pain. And what finally shook me out of it was my ex getting married. Put yourself back out on the market if you haven't yet. Go join a club doing something you're good at. Look for single women and approach them. Walk up to women at the grocery store. Do whatever the hell you have to do to meet someone new. And stop worrying about what went wrong. She might not even know. Relationships are complex and they don't work out more often than they do. It's like finding a career. A lot of times you start down one path and then realize it's not right for you. Maybe you don't even know why. But just because it doesn't work doesn't mean you should just give up on the idea of working. Go find a new relationship that you can work at. Maybe it'll be "the one" that you decide to work at for the rest of your life.
EmperorR Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Sorry man, at least you can finally hopefully let go now
BackonTrack2 Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 sorry dude i feel it for you.... atleast this will help you get over it... once i actually saw a picture of my ex with the dude she cheated on me with.. i smiled and said 'ok i can let go now', maybe this marriage will do the same to you and since that day.. i've been getting better and better and stronger and her memories are fading and fading and going away now.... i'm rather happy i saw that pic.....
Author Scottdmw Posted August 12, 2009 Author Posted August 12, 2009 Thanks guys, I really appreciate the kind words. I feel pretty awful now but I hope that when I get better I really will get better instead of going around in circles in my head any more. Scott
CaliGuy Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Well Scott, just know that you are not the first person this has happened to and that you will be the ex who marries someone else one day as well. (It's happened to me twice, coming in second place! LOL) I know we often say "If it's mean to be, it will be..." This is God's way of helping you in the right direction by not letting you marry the WRONG person. Sometime we fight against His will and end up marrying people who are bad for us because we think they will change or we can/will change them. Nothing could be further from the truth and if the relationship is rocky now, if you have to manipulate them to get them to conform, it will only get WORSE after marriage. The sooner people realize that, the sooner they can let go of the WRONG people in their lives and find the right one. And honestly, the RIGHT one is the person you don't have to change or WANT to change things about them. You love and accept them for exactly who they are.
Quest Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Think of it this way ... when you meet someone new and special you'll be glad you were free to date them and your ex will be the furthest thing from your mind.
La de Longe Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I really relate to what you're saying about closure. I'm currently in a situation where I got completely blindsided and left behind (also for a "friend") without an explanation, an apology or a goodbye. So much of the turmoil I've been in is because I don't know why and just can't figure it out. It was the not knowing that allowed me cling to the possibility of the person coming back when that was never going to happen, but a few days ago I had a thought about closure. I started thinking that even if I got the explanation and the apology I'd still hurt over this. Having to accept that this person isn't ever going to be with me would still be just as hard so I decided that only I could close this situation by accepting it and letting it go. I still struggle with the what if's and even worse the what could be's. He's a long ways from marrying anyone and I still think "well maybe one day we'll reconnect", but we gotta get with reality. At least you know that you can let those thoughts finally die. You're a good guy for still caring about this person and things will get better. They usually do.
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