Jump to content
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Posted

Here's a quick blurb on my situation:

 

I've been dating this guy in the Navy that I met online. We've been dating nearly a year (it will be a year in like 2 weeks), but I've been talking to him for about 4 years. He was here for about a month in March and we seemed to get along well. We have been talking about getting married and such when he goes on leave again, which is going to be at the end of this year. Our plan is to get married so that I can go to his next port with him. He seems like he's really serious because he will always say, "I only want to get married once and I feel like you're the right person" kind of thing. We were planning to have two weddings....the first one is just for us so I can move to base with him, and the second one is with our families when we're more settled.

 

So here's what has me worried:

 

-It just feels like he's losing interest...he's not as romantic, not as attentive, and he just overall doesn't seem like he's attracted anymore. Like, he used to always wanna see me on the webcam (I know right. lol) and now all of the sudden he doesn't want to anymore. I asked him about it and he says he's still attracted, still interested, yadda yadda. I understand our "honeymoon" period is over, but I didn't think it would be to the point where I just flat out feel like he's not even interested.

-He hasn't yet told his dad that we're getting married. I guess he's told his friends, but he hasn't told his dad. I told my parents because i know they can't be there. It just kind of makes me worry. I talked to him about it and he said he'll tell his dad when he's ready and that me bugging him about it makes him not want to tell his dad at all. He said, "Oh, does me telling my dad make it a promised event in your mind? You can't trust me is that it?". I know it's a little thing, but it's kind of big for me especially now since I feel like he's losing interest I feel like he's going to back down.

-He has a history of being a dog. He's been with a lot of chicks (well I've been with 4 guys and he's been with like 24 girls....so comparatively it's a lot for me.) The thing is though, that when he was with his ex of 4 years, he pretty much straight up repeatedly cheated on her...and the irony is that he was going to propose to her and then broke up 'cause she cheated on him. It's like, what a hypocrite. Aside from that, I've been talking to him online for 4 years and he's almost always been dating someone, but has always flirted with me. When we started talking again after a long break he was dating a girl, but he was already calling me his future girlfriend and future wife kind of thing. He broke up with her pretty much to start dating me. It makes me wonder if he talks to other girls behind my back. He says he doesn't because he's never loved me like he's loved anyone else and I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but he does have that history that I've seen. That and he's 9000 miles away. I trust him, or try my best to, but when he acts like this I get scared I guess.

-He seems completely unwilling to work things out anymore. Like if I bring up something he has a problem with his immediate answer is "If you can't accept me for how I am, then why are you with me." My thing is when we started dating he was sweet, and romantic, and just seemed so obsessed with me, but now when he talks to me I feel like he doesn't even care. He doesn't even apologize for upsetting me, but when we started dating he would do anything to make sure I wasn't mad at him.

-I know that if we move around a lot, which we will because he's military, that I have to be able to be versatile enough to get jobs, but I can't be in a stationary school (which means online school.) I'm trying to get my masters, but I know it's going to suck online. I pretty much took some time off work to go back to school so that I'm mostly done and not highly strung out when we do get married. But because I"m not working at the moment, he says he's afraid of me not working anymore and taking advantage of him financially. I'm an engineer and I'm getting my masters in structural engineering....even without my masters I made twice as much as him so it offended me that he would even bring that up....

 

I have all these plans that I had to do to sustain this relationship and I'm just trying to float along til we get married. I already bought my dress and all this other stuff and we picked out our rings and such. Just the way he's acting has me so worried though. I'm trying to control my emotions through some exercises because the jealousy and the doubt just isn't healthy...but just today the way he's acting has me worried so I don't know if I'm trying to look past something I shouldn't be...like is there really a big problem or should I just keep giving him the benefit of the doubt. His moodswings give me friggin whiplash though I'm not going to lie. There were points in time even a few weeks ago where I was considering leaving him because i didn't know if I could handle how he was treating me. It is long distance though and I know distance is tough. I'm just thinking it will be better once we're together?

 

Any insights?

Posted

Hi, welcome to the forum!

 

It sounds like you haven't spent much time together so don't know each other in depth. My experience is that you have to live with someone for an extended period of time (like a year or two) before you start to know them in any real depth. I think that's because you need to see how a person behaves in different circumstances and in different contexts and it takes time to throw up enough situations to reveal their true nature. I'm a believer in living together for a long while before considering marriage. Is it the case that the Navy doesn't allow you to live together while unmarried?

 

I think it's worrying that he seems to be losing interest, that he hasn't told his dad of the marriage plan, that he has mood swings, and that he has become unwilling to work things out.

 

I think the trust issues between you (you wondering if he's seeing other girls, him wondering if you will take financial advantage of him when married) are understandable given how little you know each other as yet. I know you've been talking for 4 years and dating for 1 year but it's not the same as living together.

 

Getting married at this time would be a big risk, it seems to me, and I also note that you think it might make it hard to complete your masters in structural engineering. (BTW, I'm a structural engineer too.)

 

I would suggest keeping it a long-distance relationship for the time being while you finish your masters and while you get to know each other a bit better. Things might be better once you are together but they also might be much worse. I dated one woman for 2 years but we only lasted 2 weeks when we started living together in the same house.

Posted

I would add that I get the feeling while he is pulling away you are getting more clingy.

 

Are you still an independent person? Do you still have your own friends and life going on?

Even if you are planning on marrying, etc. You should always have the strength and independence to walk if you are repeatedly treated badly or if the other person is unwilling to work on issues.

 

What happens to doormats? They get walked all over.

So do not be a doormat.

Posted
Here's a quick blurb on my situation:

 

I've been dating this guy in the Navy that I met online. We've been dating nearly a year (it will be a year in like 2 weeks), but I've been talking to him for about 4 years. He was here for about a month in March and we seemed to get along well. We have been talking about getting married and such when he goes on leave again, which is going to be at the end of this year. Our plan is to get married so that I can go to his next port with him. He seems like he's really serious because he will always say, "I only want to get married once and I feel like you're the right person" kind of thing. We were planning to have two weddings....the first one is just for us so I can move to base with him, and the second one is with our families when we're more settled.

 

Okay.

 

So here's what has me worried:

 

-It just feels like he's losing interest...he's not as romantic, not as attentive, and he just overall doesn't seem like he's attracted anymore. Like, he used to always wanna see me on the webcam (I know right. lol) and now all of the sudden he doesn't want to anymore. I asked him about it and he says he's still attracted, still interested, yadda yadda. I understand our "honeymoon" period is over, but I didn't think it would be to the point where I just flat out feel like he's not even interested.

-He hasn't yet told his dad that we're getting married. I guess he's told his friends, but he hasn't told his dad. I told my parents because i know they can't be there. It just kind of makes me worry. I talked to him about it and he said he'll tell his dad when he's ready and that me bugging him about it makes him not want to tell his dad at all. He said, "Oh, does me telling my dad make it a promised event in your mind? You can't trust me is that it?". I know it's a little thing,

 

Wow. First off, it's possible (although unlikely, but possible) there's a valid reason he wants to wait to tell his dad. That aside; he should be wanting to make you feel secure and not acting sarcastic and making you feel badly. I'm sorry but a man who tells me he feels I'm the right person for him to marry.. yet he cannot tell his own father he is marrying me, and to add insult to injury he goes around saying sarcastic remarks like that? Boy, I would think his mouth was writing my a paycheck that his a** couldn't cash. I don't think it's little by any means. I don't think the way he behaves is indicitive that he means what he says.

 

 

 

but it's kind of big for me especially now since I feel like he's losing interest I feel like he's going to back down.

-He has a history of being a dog. He's been with a lot of chicks (well I've been with 4 guys and he's been with like 24 girls....so comparatively it's a lot for me.) The thing is though, that when he was with his ex of 4 years, he pretty much straight up repeatedly cheated on her...and the irony is that he was going to propose to her and then broke up 'cause she cheated on him.

 

Do you want to marry a man with those kind of principles? Habitually cheats on his fiance, and then dumps her for cheating? You might want to think about what kind of stock you're about to buy into.

 

It's like, what a hypocrite.

 

Yes, but it's equally troubling that he holds other responsible for their actions but does not hold himself accountable or by the same standard.

 

Aside from that, I've been talking to him online for 4 years and he's almost always been dating someone, but has always flirted with me. When we started talking again after a long break he was dating a girl, but he was already calling me his future girlfriend and future wife kind of thing.

As someone who is dating him now and planning to marry him; please tell me how this behavior did NOT raise PLENTY of red flags before you even got involved?

 

He broke up with her pretty much to start dating me.

 

Ah, I really wouldn't bet on that if I were you.

 

It makes me wonder if he talks to other girls behind my back. He says he doesn't because he's never loved me like he's loved anyone else and I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt,

 

Yes, and I'm sure he's never loved his past women the way he's loved anyone else either. What is he doing to SHOW you that is true? From what I've seen NOTHING, but I don't know the whole story.

 

 

 

but he does have that history that I've seen. That and he's 9000 miles away. I trust him, or try my best to, but when he acts like this I get scared I guess.

 

It's probably your common sense meter going off and yelling " What in the hell are you doing!"

 

 

He seems completely unwilling to work things out anymore. Like if I bring up something he has a problem with his immediate answer is "If you can't accept me for how I am, then why are you with me."

 

AWW! Well well, isn't that convinient. Listen, someone who loves you? They want you to be happy. They want to meet your needs and they want you to be secure in the relationship. They don't refuse to work on the relationship and then shift the blame over to you.

 

 

]My thing is when we started dating he was sweet, and romantic, and just seemed so obsessed with me,

 

What's so special about that? EVERYONE is "nice, and sweet, and romantic and utterly infatuated!" At the begining. What matters is does the relationship sustain? If that person is comitted and loves you; they will do everything they can to make sure the relationship grows and sustains itself. Him being so ooh la la then is doing nothing for you now, yes? Yet you want to sign your name on the dotted X with this guy? When he refuses to work on your relationship? He's sarcastic and blame shifting?

 

 

 

 

 

but now when he talks to me I feel like he doesn't even care. He doesn't even apologize for upsetting me, but when we started dating he would do anything to make sure I wasn't mad at him.

 

He upsets you and doesn't apologise anymore. What does that tell you?

 

 

I know that if we move around a lot, which we will because he's military, that I have to be able to be versatile enough to get jobs, but I can't be in a stationary school (which means online school.) I'm trying to get my masters, but I know it's going to suck online. I pretty much took some time off work to go back to school so that I'm mostly done and not highly strung out when we do get married.

 

You're willing to work this hard for someone who can't even make the effort to apologise to you? Seriously?

 

 

 

But because I"m not working at the moment, he says he's afraid of me not working anymore and taking advantage of him financially.

 

LMFAO. Oh my goodness! I didn't realise Oscar Meyer Weiners had a mascot! :laugh: He's going to marry you but he doesn't even want to take care of you? Sweetheart, what are you doing?

 

 

 

I'm an engineer and I'm getting my masters in structural engineering....even without my masters I made twice as much as him so it offended me that he would even bring that up....

 

So all those book brains and you didn't even realise that you shouldn't marry this guy based on his behavior/charachter/actions ?

 

I have all these plans that I had to do to sustain this relationship and I'm just trying to float along til we get married. I already bought my dress and all this other stuff and we picked out our rings and such

 

You are getting married soley for the sake of being married. Please stop and think about the misery you are about to put yourself through. It is NOT worth it. He already has proved with his actions he doesn't care about you and love you, you deserve to have someone that does. He's not worth the hill of beans to mount an ant on anyhow, so it's not like you're missing much NOT being the object of your affection. I also think based on what you've shared it's obvious the reason he isn't as pre occupied with getting you on cam, is because he's getting his thrill for someone else, or multiple someone else's.

 

 

 

Just the way he's acting has me so worried though. I'm trying to control my emotions through some exercises because the jealousy and the doubt just isn't healthy...but just today the way he's acting has me worried so I don't know if I'm trying to look past something I shouldn't be...like is there really a big problem or should I just keep giving him the benefit of the doubt.

 

Should you be giving him the benefit of the doubt? Honey, I'm about to give him the broad side of an iron skillet.

 

 

His moodswings give me friggin whiplash though I'm not going to lie. There were points in time even a few weeks ago where I was considering leaving him because i didn't know if I could handle how he was treating me. It is long distance though and I know distance is tough. I'm just thinking it will be better once we're together?

 

Any insights?

 

Yes, long distance is tough. I'm in an LDR. He treats me like gold, he really does. If I'm mad; I can be mad and he just listens, he never tries to shove something in my face or deflect it. If I tell him I need something from him to be secure; he is more than happy to oblige. Anytime I feel there's something we need to work on, he does it. He treats me wonderfully; that's how I know I'm loved. It isn't just because of the lovely things he tells me; he SHOWS me.

 

Don't mistake a long distance relationship being hard for an acceptable excuse for a man to treat you like dirt, and not show any action to ANY word he says.

  • Author
Posted

Yeah I don't know if I can do it anymore. I was going to wait til our 1 year anniversary to see how he handles it, but I don't know if I can. It's driving me crazy. Just how much he's changed. I can't handle it. I'm going to have a talk with him tonight or tomorrow.

 

He's been coming home late the past like....2 weeks. Every single night he's come home late. Usually he comes home right after work and he's always home at the same time, but lately he's been like 1 to 2 hours late. I'm over it.

Posted

You're over it, are you? I mean, are you going to marry this guy?

  • 4 weeks later...
  • Author
Posted

I haven't logged on here in a while. Just a lot of drama at home (I moved in with some people who have the worst drama on the planet). It hasn't been helping my mood much.

 

Here's a fast update:

 

It has pretty much broken down to the point where I'm afraid to say anything to him anymore. He turns everything around on me. For instance, our one year anniversary was the 30th of August. He doesn't do anything for it. Well, he tells me he "tried" to, but his debit card expired. Well that's fine, but send me an ecard, or something of that nature? Long story short, he somehow makes me feel guilty for being pissed about him not doing anything and I end up apologizing in the end.

It's pretty much a routine now. Anything I saw, if I feel depressed (I do have some issues with depression and anxiety sometimes), he goes off and is like "Oh I'm sorry I can't make you happy why the hell are you with me." And he got on me about not working full time....but I'm going fulltime to finish up the last classes of my 2nd bachelors and am going fulltime to start my graduate degree and I work part time. He said it bothers him. I said I couldn't handle the stress of two full time schools and full time work and was only going to be part time for the fall while i was finishing up the second bachelors. He then goes off on this thing where he's like "you treat me like i don't understand stress. you go to iraq yadda yadda. I worked 100 hours in 7 days last week yadda yadda." The thing with his job is, and he's told me this on several occasions, is that he has a lot of down time. He'll BE THERE for like 12 hours a day, but he'll work 1 hour, be off like 4, work 1, then off the rest of the night or something ludicrous like that. He's told me he used to take naps on his 4 hour down time at work. I'm sorry for what he went through in Iraq, I really am, but now he's treating my stress like my stress doesn't matter. He then goes off and is like "Oh what I do is so small compared to you. Why don't you go worry about your big **** on your own because I don't care anymore."

What's more is he has been going out drinking pretty heavily a bunch of times the past few weeks. He said he was sick of hating his life and hating his job and coming home and arguing with me and that alcohol is the only comfort he finds anymore. It's funny how he can go off and bitch about how much he hates life and pretty much make me feel like I'm nothing in his life, but when I go through hard times, he turns it around on me. Like lately i've been really depressed about my living situation, and all this other stuff, including him and how he treats me. I told him I felt like I was losing him and how i feel alone and i feel like i have nothing left to look forward to and i'm just going through the motions and he's like "Oh i'm not anything to you. I'm sorry I'm nothing." But he's just one thing in the sea of many things. He'll say "Why does it always come down to me being a crappy bf. why are you with me." It's like I'll cry about everything else...my parents, job, school, roommates, whatever and he'll pick out the one thing that remotely applies to him and he makes me feel guilty about it.

After today and that argument I can't deal with it anymore. I'm really just waiting for the right time now (My parents are going to be here tomorrow and will be here for a week) and i just don't want that drama while my parents are here. Although on the flip side, my parents might help me get over the drama? I think I just won't talk to him while my parents are here and then just finally end it after they leave. I don't deserve this. I may have my problems, but I've never cheated, I've been nothing but sweet, I'm attractive, I'm educated, I'm successful, I'm caring...I do anything and everything to make him happy and it's never enough. My last relationship, the guy was really mentally abusive. This relationship...he doesn't flat out call me names like my ex did, but making me feel like everything is my fault and straight up disrespecting me and telling me he doesn't care is not acceptable.

Posted

What are you looking for? You know you shouldn't be with him. Yes, the way he treats you is awful, but he can't do that if you don't allow him, can he?

  • Author
Posted

I don't want anything else from him. In my mind it's already over. It's not salvagable. I know the steps i have to take. just a matter of time i suppose. maybe it will just dissolve on its own when i stop talking to him for the week my parents are here. who knows.

Posted

Sadly, this is a classic case of "D.T.M.F.A."

×
×
  • Create New...