Green Eyed Lady Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 I have been single for quite sometime now. I recently met a man who seemed like a genuine & decent guy. We went out a few times and when we'd talk we'd talk for hours and get lost in conversation and lose track of time. Got eachother's sense of humors, seemed to have similar values, etc. He had told me he was single and had been so since his divorce was finalized a year and a half ago. Last night we went out to dinner and were going to catch a late movie afterwards. We got lost in conversation again and before we knew it it was too late to catch the movie so he said we could just watch a movie at his place. Earlier in the night I had brought up that I like to take things slow and he agreed that he was the same way (I brought it up because he seemed a bit too touchy-feely during our date before the last and I wanted to make sure we were on the same page). So we get to his place, are watching the movie, we were physically intimate without having sex. I have to go to the bathroom at one point so I go in his bathroom and I see two toothbrushes - a pink and a blue one, I see two bars of soap - including pink Dove soap that I don't imagine most men tend to use, lol. There are two full-size towels in there, women's shampoo in the shower (I wasn't prying, the shower was right next to the toilet and everything I did see was out in the open, I would never go through someone's belongings). There was also women's deoderant sitting right on the counter next to the toothbrush. Uh oh. So I get out of the bathroom, feeling a bit uncomfortable and ask him to take me to my car (I left it at the theater). There was a bit of a drive, and I felt just... strange... about what I saw in his bathroom so I asked very calmly.... "I don't mean to offend you or anything like that, but when I was in your bathroom I noticed a pink toothbrush and women's toiletry items, typically that tends to mean that a woman either lives there or there is a long-term relationship going on..." He told me he has been in a 4-month relationship with a woman but he was "on his way out" and things were not working out with her. While I was not necessarily expecting to be exclusive with this guy right off the bat, I am not the type of person who feels comfortable getting intimate with someone who is in a steady relationship with someone else. I told him that I don't expect anyone to live by my standards but that I could not partake in what is essentially cheating. My thoughts are that even though he is "on his way out" with this one woman... he still has not broken things off (her things are still at his place!) and it's not exactly "kosher" to want to screw someone else while in a relationship, no matter how bad it might be. Needless to say, I'm glad I didn't have sex with him. I told him he could give me a call after he has broken things off with the woman he is with and has given it sometime. I don't want to be a rebound and I don't want to be the "other woman" either. He tried to kiss me after he dropped me off to my car and I turned my cheek and just let him kiss me on the cheek and told him to have a goodnight. He said he was going to call me today... should I just ignore this guy? Other than this everything else he has told me has panned out so far... we do have great conversations... we have a great amount of chemistry and a lot in common... but... he technically has a girlfriend and he did seem to be a bit aggressive in regards to sex (even though I was still able to hold my ground, thank God, lol). Should I ever give this guy a chance? or should I just write him off and forget about him? He told me that he couldn't see himself settling down with the woman he was with and that is why he is "on his way out" and he is looking to settle down and start a family and said when he met me he sees in me all the qualities he's looking for, but I can't help but wonder if that is just a line now...
DSM-IV Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Forget him. Or else in 4 months, a new topic from a new girl will be created, asking the same questions as you are today.
2sure Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 To be honest, if it had just been a toothbrush or shampoo in the bathroom, I would have originally given him the benefit of the doubt. But the deodorant on the counter in addition to the other things means she is probably still there OFTEN and RECENTLY. If the relationship were nearly done or on its way out or whatever...sure, some things just get left but the stuff on the counter gets , at the very least put away. Seems like she was just there. So, theres that. But theres more. He was mighty OK with you seeing evidence of his girlfriend. He didnt forget she was just there and is there often. He didnt forget her things are all over the house. He didnt care. To him, his action were....harmless. Because hey, I'll just say I'm almost done with this one. Look, this is not a woman he is just dating, her stuff in the house indicates relationship. You know this. AND. As to the amazing chemistry you two have and the things you have in common....Hallmark cheater. A cheater by nature presents himself as irresistible to you because...well, you get it. Thats how players get to be players.
Author Green Eyed Lady Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 Thanks for the input so far, it helps, especially the last response. If anyone else has anything else to add... please do. My thinking is in-line with the two of you. He has already called once today; I turned my phone off. Also, not only was there women's stuff around the house - there was actually a bottle of KY that looked like it had recently been used on the bathroom counter. As of now I plan on keeping my phone off for awhile (I can check my messages from a landline if I really need to), and I don't plan on communicating with him in any way anytime soon. But a part of me does have that "but we got along so great" feeling (that's where the last response really helped out, so thank you). While I am pretty level-headed and strong-willed, outsider perspective DOES help... so if anyone wants to share, please do, and thanks to those who already have. One thing that also did come to mind is this... even if it turned out that he would be a good guy to me... how could I ever trust someone like this? Trust is such an important part of any relationship and a solid relationship I don't think can be built upon one in which trust cannot be established... right?
Palmer253 Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 He had told me he was single and had been so since his divorce was finalized a year and a half ago. This is the part that does it for me. He told you he's been single for a year and a half? Well obviously he's a liar. If he would of came out right from the get go and said he's currently with someone but he's just trying to find the right way to end it. Then I think it might be a little different, but he didn't and you had to find out he has a girl by finding her stuff in his bathroom. I like 2sure's point about the stuff on the counter too. I probably wouldn't of thought of that but now that you mention it, it really makes sense.
Art_Critic Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 He was going to bang you in the same bed he just banged the girl he is in a relationship with and to have to ask if you should date him later on ? No.. blow him off... He is cheating on his GF.. or Wife.. or Fiancé or Live in GF.. why would you want to be with someone that would treat his lady like that.. Please don't have any more contact with him.. he will mean heartbreak in the end..
loveslife Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 I think you're an honest, honorable woman. This guy's playing you. There's no doubt in my mind. I think guys like him prey on women who cannot possibly believe someone could be that underhanded. Before you knew it you would be figuring out ways to justify his inexcusable behavior. If he thinks he can have the both of you at the same time he will. Someone who brings a woman back to the apartment where another woman has so much stuff laying around doesn't care about the other person's feelings - and will not care about yours either. He's so smug and sure of himself he didn't even bother putting her stuff in a drawer.
marlena Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 As to the amazing chemistry you two have and the things you have in common....Hallmark cheater. A cheater by nature presents himself as irresistible to you because...well, you get it. Thats how players get to be players. This is spot -on. Players know how to push all the right buttons. Absolute charmers they are. True craftsmen at creating chemistry. GEL, He gave you your answer. "On the way out" really means "still in". You want a serious relationship. He can't offer you one since he is already in another. I don't think he is the right man for you. You are not on the same page at all. And you deserve a more honourable man.
KS882 Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Uh oh, that doesn't sound good! Even if he didn't think this relationship with this other woman was going to work out, in my opinion he shouldn't have been looking for someone else while he was still with her. Clearly she's still living there and he's having sex with her if there's KY on the counter! Like someone else said, he's lied about being single for a year, not good! If he could lie to this woman what's to say if you two did get together after he has broken things off with the other woman he wouldn't just do the same with you? If it were me as soon as I saw women's things in his bathroom and the KY jelly especially (!!!) I'd have been straight out the door (good girl for doing so!) Surely if things were over with this other person he would not be sleeping with her and he'd be a bit faster about telling her it's not working not sleeping with her and planning on sleeping with someone else in the same bed! Might just be me but I think writing him off is the best option! You can do much better I'm sure.
Author Green Eyed Lady Posted August 12, 2009 Author Posted August 12, 2009 Thank you so much everyone for your insight and input. I agree with each and every single one of you wholeheartedly. It is tough in some very minor respects to move on and not pursue this guy, but it is truly for the best. He doesn't have respect for the woman he's with, he doesn't have respect for himself, and he doesn't have any for me. I know he will call, but I will not answer. I am writing him off. Everyone I have spoken to, my friends and family, and you all as well have all said the same things, and every single thing is something that has crossed my mind at some point since last night. He does have some good qualities, but I could never trust someone who can be so disrespectful towards another person. I know there are still good men out there, this guy isn't one of them.
Jimmy's_Brother Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I would be very upset if I were you. I would let him have an earful. What an absolute jerk.
trahn Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 this guy just wanted some BOO-TAY...good thing you saw those things or else you may of been boo-tayized......look for another guy.
D-Lish Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I'd be pretty pissed if I were you. He said things were on the way "out" with this other woman- but that doesn't mean "done". If you stayed with him, you'd be consenting to be the other woman- and that just isn't good enough for you! I still visit my ex from time to time since breaking up 8 months ago. He's never gotten rid of my things in his bathroom. I first saw him four months after breaking up and they were still there. He's since moved and carted them with him. I think it's weird considering he didn't want to make a commitment. I think it says a lot about your guy if he's willing to have sex with another woman and still date another. It means that he is capable of doing this to you as well. That wouldn't sit well with me at all. Even if he does call you in a month or two down the road- how could you ever trust him? I think you are better off letting this one go.
trahn Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 D-Lish, that's a cute picture. You're a cute girl. It's probably pretty creepy I clicked on your pic, huh? Happy Belated B-DAY to you by the way.
D-Lish Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 D-Lish, that's a cute picture. You're a cute girl. It's probably pretty creepy I clicked on your pic, huh? Happy Belated B-DAY to you by the way. Hey, thanks:love:! Lol, not creepy- I click on people to see if they have pics up all the time!! That was last year's b-day- mine is approaching rapidly once more!
trahn Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 D-LISH, I was being sarcastic with the "creepish" stuff...I think it's way overdone on this forum and in general to be honest...lol. So hang on, it said "b-day" is August 9th, and you're saying that was "last year's" B-DAY and your B-day IS VASTLY approaching this year? Damn, you must be a special girl if you don't have the same B-DAY every year.
Recommended Posts