NARS Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Hello, I've lurked these forums for a while and they've helped me out a lot. This is my first post. Right. So, I met my girlfriend on a dating site and have been together for about six months or so and things have been going well (regular contact, sex etc). Seeing no need to keep my profile up, I decided to delete it. To my surprise, I see that she is online. I didn't delete my profile. A day or two later, I went back to see if she had logged on again. Sure enough, she had logged on earlier. I had asked her in the past if she still logged on and she said that she still does because people keep sending her emails. A few das ago, I created a fake profile using one of my [better looking] friends as the pic and selected her as a favorite. By doing so, I could see exactly what time she logs in etc. Using the fake profile I start a convo with her with something along the lines of "Give my profile a look and message back if interested." She messages back "definitely interested. You're adorable!" The convo continues. I ask "Are you currently seeing anybody?" She says, "I wouldn't be here if I was lol." I also ask, "Have you met anyone from this site before?" She replies, "I met a guy a year ago and he was crazy!" She was with her ex for over a year…and they met on this site. That's about as far as I've gotten with the fake profile. I'm still upset over this and I'm not quite sure what to make of it yet. Up until recently, I have not questioned the status of our relationship because I have not felt the need to. She has wanted us to move in together for a while "so that we can be with each other more." She started a new job working the graveyard shift and she is going to school during the day so our time together has been GREATLY cut back. We hardly text/talk anymore because our schedules are opposite. Now, we see each other AT MOST a few hours a WEEK. She sent me a text a few weeks ago saying that "I think I'm falling for you, which is why I miss you so damn much." The new schedule is most definitely straining our relationship and is probably the cause of my insecurity. Maybe I'm just in denial or, need some more time to think it over. She technically has not done anything wrong. I mean chatting ≠ cheating right? This is under the pretense that women have the capacity to talk to men as friends and not love interests. But who am I kidding? She is on a dating site. I feel that I should at least talk to her first and see how she feels about us and maybe then we can set things right or end it mutually. Tighten up my game, or be prepared or unpleasantness. Now, how do I go about confronting her about this situation? I want to talk about the status of our relationship but without coming across as insecure and exposing my vulnerabilities. I want to at least tell her that it makes me uncomfortable that she's on the site first. So, if she is talking to the fake guy as friends, she can cease. Catch her in a lie. But I think I know what I need to do. I just don't want to drop the fake profile bomb on her. I think it's a bit psycho, even for me.
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 I just don't want to drop the fake profile bomb on her. I think it's a bit psycho, even for me. Uh...yeeeaaaah. I wouldn't bring that up. She's being dishonest by omission about that particular incident, I have no idea why you should bring it up. But I think you are where you are at by not defining where you guys are at. Do you call each other BF/GF? How does she introduce you to people? No dropping of the "L" bomb after 6 months??? Maybe she's antsy because you guys aren't really moving forward. I can't imagine being so casual still after 6 months with somebody. I don't understand why talking to her about the relationship would reveal insecurities. Just tell her you'd like to be committed and exclusive to each other and you consider her your GF. Do you think you love her?
Author NARS Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 We call each other BF/GF. All of her family knows me as her BF and visa versa. The "L" bomb is a big step for me, one I'm not sure I'm ready for just yet. This is my first 'real' relationship and I'm still sorting out my feelings. I do care about her. We decided to be exclusive real early on almost from the start.
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Well, then, if you are exclusive and you are uncomfortable with her being on a DATING site, tell her so. IMO, when somebody agrees to be exclusive, they have no business being on a dating site. There's no reason whatsoever to even keep the profile on there. If she can't respect your feelings on the matter (and they're totally valid), then you need to re-evaluate if you're comfortable with the continued disrespect.
AlektraClementine Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 I personally would get rid of her. But then, I'm more rigid than most. If she's telling dudes she's interested and that she's not seeing anyone, she'll end up either cheating on you, or dumping you when something better comes along. I'm also pretty rigid when it comes to honesty so I advise you to fess up to what you did.
edinsvet Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 I would not mention that whole thing with the fake profile. Find a way to deal with the issue without bringing that up. It is creepy. Anyway online flirting is just a reality of the twenty first century. Even if she closes that account, there is still myspace, facebook, etc. etc. A girl I was seeing did that to me once. I wasn't looking for anybody and was happy with the girl I was dating, but just wasn't ready to close my online dating account. So she set up a profile as a hotter chic. Started sending me all of these messages, as the fake person to see if I would go through and make a date for coffee. Of course I did. This went on for a month, she asked me all of these things about if I was single who I was dating. And all the while we are together and she is just tormenting herself with this for weeks. She even had a friend answer a phone, and act like the girl in the fake profile and agree to meet me for coffee. And then she (the real girlfriend) tried to make plans with me for exactly the same time as I supposedly had the date with the fake girl. Get me to lie to her about what I was doing also. Then she confronted me. It totally creeped me out that she would be so contriving. I instantly broke up with her.
Author NARS Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 At this point, until we can get things out in the open, I am leaning towards dumping her. I am inclined to agree with Clementine in that she may cheat again or dump me later. Should I give her a second chance and try to salvage the situation? Is it worth it at all? I can forgive her being disrespectful and dishonest so long as she sees the err in her ways. Maybe I'm just being naive/desperate.
AlektraClementine Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Eh- second chances typically do nothing but solidify your placement as a doormat. Unless you come clean, tell her you want her to close the account and ask for exclusivity, she'll just keep on keepin' on. Of course there are exceptions to the rule but I tend to find it easier and more productive to live life with the "rules" in mind. Not the exceptions.
Devil Inside Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 First off, stop spying...you are only going to find out crap you don't want to know. Second, if you are spying on her then your gut is trying to tell you something. Third, tell her that you feel uncomfortable with her on the site and see what she does. If she can't shut it down, it may be time fro you to end it.
dreamergrl Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 I'd be walking straight to the door.... Honestly, you know exactly what to make of it. You're gf is obviously looking around and keeping her options Way The Hell Open. She's not honest. She lies. What is the point of this relationship?
redhighheels Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Maybe it's just me, but her behaviour is cheating. She doesn't go online for friends or forums, her profile doesn't reflect that she's not looking..on the contrary, she is very much looking and claiming she's single. Just because you became aware of it a short while ago, that doesn't mean she hasn't been doing it all along or that she hasn't met other men. The email exchange from the fake account should be more than enough for you to kick her to the curb. If I were you, I'd be so livid, I wouldn't even bother confronting her. Just walk away. I have a feeling you'd dodge one if you do.
carhill Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 OP, great opportunity to combine your intuition with a calm recitation of your boundaries. Clearly, the online exchange is inappropriate. I've asked plenty of women out whose simple answer was 'I have a boyfriend'. It's easy to say, just like saying you're married (if the ring isn't obvious enough). It just rolls off the tongue (or keyboard). Print out the exchange and merely set it out when you or she visit each other the next time. "I have something I'd like you to read". What happens next will help you define who she really is and the type of relationships you want to have in your future. Calm and direct. If she tries gaslight, remain calm and direct and honest. I think you'll learn a lot. I never, ever, once regreted being direct and honest with a woman in such circumstances, even if the outcome is painful for myself. Self-respect is far more important. Remember where your anger flows from. That's valuable. Good luck
AlektraClementine Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 OP, great opportunity to combine your intuition with a calm recitation of your boundaries. Clearly, the online exchange is inappropriate. I've asked plenty of women out whose simple answer was 'I have a boyfriend'. It's easy to say, just like saying you're married (if the ring isn't obvious enough). It just rolls off the tongue (or keyboard). Print out the exchange and merely set it out when you or she visit each other the next time. "I have something I'd like you to read". What happens next will help you define who she really is and the type of relationships you want to have in your future. Calm and direct. If she tries gaslight, remain calm and direct and honest. I think you'll learn a lot. I never, ever, once regreted being direct and honest with a woman in such circumstances, even if the outcome is painful for myself. Self-respect is far more important. Remember where your anger flows from. That's valuable. Good luck Voted "Best Of" Oh wait - that's craigslist.
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