Some Words of Wisdom to the Fellow Guys...

[NightLord1]

Alright so its late and I have a bit of insomnia but thought I would post a little something for people (especially guys) considering I have been through many situations in relationships where I think i can talk from experience.

 

For those who do not follow my posts or threads I have been through six past relationships where I have always had the women say "they need time to think" then within two weeks or so it ends in a break up.

 

For those who wish to have their exes back the best advice I can give is that you really have to let them go and move on. I don't just mean not contacting them...I mean you have to wake up and they are not on your mind at all like you had never met them.

 

If you can go about your days without them constantly in your thoughts and you do not get that stinging pain all the time you know you are on your way to moving on.

 

From my experience whenever I have done this it seems that is when they all have resurfaced. Usually it has taken about a month or a month in a half before they came back in some way...and not only came back...but wanted to get back with me.

 

I always turned them down because I thought I could do better and wanted to try again with someone new. I am still on good terms with pretty much all of them and we talk from time to time but they contact me...i do not contact them.

 

I am not trying to give you all false hope...but just saying if anything works at least for me...it has been that.

 

Thing is...you can't force yourself on someone who does not want the same thing. Resistance only adds more resistance and if your ex is resisting by not wanting to be with you and you fall into the panic mode trap and try to do whatever to get them back its causing resistance on THEM and they will push themselves further away.

 

It is said that even when you are not talking to them at ALL and are in NC that some people believe that people can pick up on the brain patterns of other people even when they aren't talking or even seeing them. Its more like a subconscious thing and all about energy.

 

This could probably explain why it seems when people forget about their exes and truly move on that is when their ex contacts because they can subconsciously sense that their former partner is no longer thinking about them at all and they just "have" to see what is going on. It is almost like a triggering mechanism that goes off.

 

This certainly makes sense in my past experiences...whenever I had my mind completely off them they always contacted me out of nowhere and I am totally surprised to hear from them.

 

I will also say from my experience that whenever a women says "i need time to think" there is always usually some other guy involved that they are either talking to...interested in, or already seeing. The "i need time to think" line is a woman's way of saying that they are removing themselves from the relationship so they can "prep" themselves into detaching emotionally from you. This can take a couple weeks usually and when they feel they are "strong enough" that is when they drop the bombshell. Ever notice how the dumpee is always in panic mode while the the dumper is usually either cold, calm, or totally unfazed by it? Ya theres a reason and I think that is why.

 

Women will usually want to be with a guy who gives them attention while at the same time make them feel good with that attention. Fortunately for most of us a lot of guys make mistakes quickly and they will go in with your ex usually too strong and to fast and screw up in some way and she will loose interest and may just turn her thoughts and feelings back on you again.

 

I also believe that whenever a woman feels strongly about anything at any given moment they will act on that feeling and no one or nothing will change their minds. So...if they are incredibly fed up and done with a relationship and feel strongly about this they will act on that because that is how they feel at THAT time.

 

Since women change moods constantly however this doesn't usually last or stick. If a women you have dated suddenly begins to miss you or want you and that FEELING is just overwhelming they are going to act on it and guess what? There is no one or nothing that will stop them from contacting you and wanting to see you or talk to you. This is why no contact is important...it gives them a chance to miss you and have those feelings that were GOOD come back to them. If someone is constantly contacting someone when the relationship is over what feelings are you going to stir up? I'll tell you...annoyance, frustration, confusion, and a lot of other negative ones.

 

Usually when your in no contact it can give your ex the chance to miss you and those feelings of miss will make them remember the GOOD TIMES. When you miss someone you don't think about the bad times thats only when your pissed or angry...but when you miss someone you think about the good emotions...what initially attracted you to that person to begin with.

 

If your ex calls you up at 2am and says "i just HAVE to see you." that you can count on they miss you like mad hell and want you back. If they send you some stupid e-mail or text and say "hey whats up?" or "long time no talk" or something simple like that they are NOT serious about wanting to get back with you...so seriously I would just completely disregard anything like that. Texts and e-mail are an impersonal way to communicate...if its a phone call or they want to see you in person its something more promising.

 

Women like challenges...this doesn't mean they like flat out dicks and jerks. But too many men fail miserably in relationships because they believe that catering to a woman is what they want. No it is not...they want to be respected and nurtured but not smothered.

 

If you don't provide a challenge...if your not assertive...if you don't make them work for your own attention guys then you may as well be just another girlfriend.

 

Women love confidence and guys who know what they want and will work for it without letting anyone sway them from getting it. Guys who can be easily manipulated and or controlled are usually turn offs for women period.

 

Don't let fear rule you. If your woman contacts you and she says something you don't like don't be afraid to tell her you don't agree with it. Don't blow up at her or become a rampaging bull elephant but you can disagree without REACTING. Whenever a dude overreacts to what a woman does no matter what it is the guy did he will loose EVERY TIME automatically.

 

I have seen a lot of guys stand up to their girls only to have them turn into a wuss bag whenever the girl got pissed and then they become spineless blobs of flesh because they then automatically begin to apologize.

 

Don't back down! But at the same time don't go overboard...there's a fine line to that but if you do it right you can get much further.

 

Not sure if this helps anyone but its here if you think it will help in some way.

 

Regards,

[DSM2709]

So, now that my ex contacted me last night to tell me she met someone who is exactly what she's looking for and wants to meet me to get my belongings, how should I be when I do meet her? Should I ignore her, get my stuff and take off or should I just try and be civil with her?

[EmperorR]

I'd like to point out, usually when a woman dumps a guy it's final. She has emotionally attached weeks months ago and even if you were to get back with her 95 percent of the time the guy will get dumped shortly again.

[wow123]

Great Post! I have only been in a few serious relationships but everytime a week or 2 prior to the breakup I have heard either "I'm confused", 'I don't Know what I want", or "I need a break". And almost everytime I confirmed my suspicion that there was in fact another guy involved.

[Thaddeus]

Excellent post, NightLord1.

 

I particularly like this bit:

If you don't provide a challenge...if your not assertive...if you don't make them work for your own attention guys then you may as well be just another girlfriend.

 

Women love confidence and guys who know what they want and will work for it without letting anyone sway them from getting it. Guys who can be easily manipulated and or controlled are usually turn offs for women period...

 

Don't back down! But at the same time don't go overboard...there's a fine line to that but if you do it right you can get much further.

NL just nailed the basic reason that a 'nice guys' always finish last.

 

Being 'nice' gets a man nowhere.

 

If there was a nomination for Best Post Ever, this would get my vote.

[Green]

Mostly I only enjoyed the last few paragraphs as I'm in a relationship I'd like to keep at the moment... I agree with the post because NC is the best way to move on.

 

Seriously though I don't want to break up with my gf ever. Whats the longest you ever date a girl? How long have you lived with a girl in the same place?

[greenparrot]

thanks for the post Nightlord, it really came in my worst morning. It has cheered me up.

 

Its not so much that I want my ex back, but I am soo mad about this that I hope that while Im in this NC suffering, I hope that at leat it pierces her cold blooded heart for at lleast a second.

[vee6winks]

This is good info if I am a guy. What if the tables are turned..my ex-bf told me he just didnt know and was confused. A few weeks later I was dumped.

 

NL (or anyone else) in your opinion - is it different when a man breaks up with woman than when a woman breaks up with a man?

[Thaddeus]

NL (or anyone else) in your opinion - is it different when a man breaks up with woman than when a woman breaks up with a man?

My sense is that it's more difficult for a man to break up with a woman. Reason being is that women have been socially conditioned to be the choosers - that is, the woman decides whom to go out with, whereas the men are socially and evolutionarily conditioned to compete with other men for the attraction of a partner. So if a woman dumps a man, she can probably find a new mate within a relatively short period of time. If a guy dumps a girl, it's entirely different - he may find himself without a partner for a long, long time.

[Exit]

Good post, this will help me stay NC. Although sometimes I can't help but thinking contacting her is the best thing to do, I know it just reminds her of old times and bad memories. Maybe leaving her alone will make her miss me.

[Thaddeus]

Maybe leaving her alone will make her miss me.

It might, or it might not. But that's not the point of NC.

[vee6winks]

Thaddeus - what if he broke up with me and had another woman already lined up. Is it a way men cope with a break up? Have someone lined up for sex and attention - to help forget about the breakup? Is it true romance? Is it a rebound?

[Thaddeus]

Thaddeus - what if he broke up with me and had another woman already lined up. Is it a way men cope with a break up? Have someone lined up for sex and attention - to help forget about the breakup? Is it true romance? Is it a rebound?

Hard to say. Sounds like a rebound scenario, but I can't really be sure.

 

I've got a buddy of mine who's never been without a partner since high school (he's now 49) and is one of those guys that just HAS to be in a relationship, even if that relationship is toxic.

 

He's been married now for a number of years to the most lying, cheating and haranguing wife that you could ever imagine. But I guess in his mind it's better to be with someone who treats him like dirt rather than happy on his own.*

 

Could be that your ex is like that, in the sense that he doesn't feel 'whole' or 'fulfilled' unless he's in a relationship.

 

* Note for clarification: I'm not suggesting for a moment that you treated him like my wife's buddy treats him, I just had to put that bit in there to provide a little background.

[llala]

What about if you contacted the ex 2-3 times after a month, to check up on them? Then they tell you they are not ready to talk for awhile (they are dating someone new). And then you literally cut all contact.

Would that still make them seem insecure?

(Just wondering if the 2-3 times contact would kill that chance....even though there was no "begging" at all.).

[steelfist9]

I agree about no contact working. When I don't contact my ex she goes biserk and I don't think she can take it. I think she fiends for my attention.

 

Great points Nightlord.

[NightLord1]

So, now that my ex contacted me last night to tell me she met someone who is exactly what she's looking for and wants to meet me to get my belongings, how should I be when I do meet her? Should I ignore her, get my stuff and take off or should I just try and be civil with her?

 

Be civil with her D but do NOT bring up anything about this situation. Just be polite and get your stuff and then tell her to take care and leave. That is it. If she begins to talk about this guy again or if she starts on you then you have to let it roll off you and and NOT react in ANY way. Just listen and if you say anything say "i hope it works out for you."

 

That is my best advice I can give on that for you.

 

Regards,

[NightLord1]

Excellent post, NightLord1.

 

I particularly like this bit:NL just nailed the basic reason that a 'nice guys' always finish last.

 

Being 'nice' gets a man nowhere.

 

If there was a nomination for Best Post Ever, this would get my vote.

 

Thanks Thad I appreciate that.

[NightLord1]

Mostly I only enjoyed the last few paragraphs as I'm in a relationship I'd like to keep at the moment... I agree with the post because NC is the best way to move on.

 

Seriously though I don't want to break up with my gf ever. Whats the longest you ever date a girl? How long have you lived with a girl in the same place?

 

The longest relationship i was ever in was about two and a half years and I did live with a girl for about four months and we had been dating at the time for over a year. Things began to fall apart when we moved in actually...go figure on that. I moved out and a couple months later me and her dated again for another sixth months. She was one of the only exes i redated.

[NightLord1]

thanks for the post Nightlord, it really came in my worst morning. It has cheered me up.

 

Its not so much that I want my ex back, but I am soo mad about this that I hope that while Im in this NC suffering, I hope that at leat it pierces her cold blooded heart for at lleast a second.

 

No problem Green i'm glad it could help you in some way. And believe me if you remain NC with your ex it will get to them and it WILL bother them. Depending on how long you can keep at it will determine how much it will. The longer it goes on the longer it will eat away at them.

[NightLord1]

This is good info if I am a guy. What if the tables are turned..my ex-bf told me he just didnt know and was confused. A few weeks later I was dumped.

 

NL (or anyone else) in your opinion - is it different when a man breaks up with woman than when a woman breaks up with a man?

 

I honestly wouldn't think it would be any different Vee. No matter if it is a girl or a guy if you don't talk to them they are going to miss you and that is pretty much how it is.

 

Even though men think with logic over emotions most of the time a lot of guys know what they want much more then women do and they will go after what they want with greater force than a woman at times as well.

 

A lot of guys believe they need to "fix" things because again they think with logic. When that urge to fix something is strong enough a guy will do what they can to fix it and see it through until its working again.

 

So whether guy or girl doesn't matter. Men still feel and men still miss people they don't have around just as much as a chic. So no contact with your ex will work just the same for you and...there is a possibility since it is a dude he may come around to contact you faster if he wants to be back with you if that is what he truly wants.

 

Just my take,

Regards

[NightLord1]

Good post, this will help me stay NC. Although sometimes I can't help but thinking contacting her is the best thing to do, I know it just reminds her of old times and bad memories. Maybe leaving her alone will make her miss me.

 

We all fall into that trap where because we are afraid that if we do not contact them they will forget about us and move on and find someone else. That is normal but honestly there really is no point contacting an ex especially if YOU were dumped because it never works.

 

When someone dumps you they are in the position of power and control and you know what? They are going to want to keep that for as long as possible. There is only one way to get that control back if you were the dumpee and that is to go NC and have them come back to YOU and when or if they do don't just cave in and have them take you back make them work for it for a bit if you do want them back in your life.

 

Also leaving her alone will make her think about the GOOD times not the bad times. If she contacts you first she is thinking of you and it probably is in a good light at the time. The more you do not talk to her though the more she will miss the good times because you appreciate what you don't have more when you do not have it.

 

Hell when my car broke and had to go in to get fixed I missed the hell out of it. I was driving a van while it was in the shop and I HATED IT i just wanted my car back. I began to compair the van to my car and kept saying how much the van didn't have this but my car does or how my car can do this and the van couldn't.

 

A woman would be the same way if they were seeing someone right after you. They would begin to compare the new guy to the ex mentally and if the new guy falls flat the woman would begin to miss her ex even more.

 

Sorry kinda trailed off there from the main point but hope it helps.

Regards,

[NightLord1]

What about if you contacted the ex 2-3 times after a month, to check up on them? Then they tell you they are not ready to talk for awhile (they are dating someone new). And then you literally cut all contact.

Would that still make them seem insecure?

(Just wondering if the 2-3 times contact would kill that chance....even though there was no "begging" at all.).

 

That should tell you right there that even the simple act of contacting them period didn't make it any better. Even if there was no begging you are still forcing yourself on someone who doesn't want anything to do with you at the moment and you are just pushing them more away.

 

If they are seeing someone else you just have to accept that. If you leave them alone while they are seeing this person and KEEP the NC enforced then it is possible they may miss you enough to want to see what is going with YOU or may want to come back once again to be with you.

[NightLord1]

I'd like to point out, usually when a woman dumps a guy it's final. She has emotionally attached weeks months ago and even if you were to get back with her 95 percent of the time the guy will get dumped shortly again.

 

This can indeed happen to Emp and that is a good point. Many women will detach themselves months before the actual break up instead of weeks. I don't necessarily agree that when an ex comes back they will dump you again shortly. That will only happen if you allow it to and you let the same patterns that made the break up happen to begin with come about and resurface again.

 

This is why it is important to stand up for yourself with a woman without being an all out dick. The more you can keep a woman excited and emotionally charged the more you will hold their attention and their attraction for you.

[Pfiend101]

I have heard through a mutual friend that my Ex has asked about me at her work. However she hasn't contacted me. What should I think of this? I have been NC for about six weeks now and nothing back. All I got was a text message in the end. That has made it the hardest to deal with, it was so disconnected and cowardly. Perhaps she thinks she is better then me.

[NightLord1]

I have heard through a mutual friend that my Ex has asked about me at her work. However she hasn't contacted me. What should I think of this? I have been NC for about six weeks now and nothing back. All I got was a text message in the end. That has made it the hardest to deal with, it was so disconnected and cowardly. Perhaps she thinks she is better then me.

 

Well to begin with good job on the NC for that long. If she is asking about you then you are beginning to get into her thoughts again but since she hasn't really done anything more right now then she isn't REALLY missing you. You are beginning to get her to crack though.

 

It really depends on the woman some can hold out for quite a while and others will only last a few short days.

 

If you can keep up with the NC then this "leak" you made into her could begin to widen and eventually turn into an all out flood.

 

Just hold back and keep doing what your doing. It really is the only way.