lostnspace Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Hi, I've been dating a good guy for almost five years. We are both over 40 and have good jobs and careers. There aren't major problems, issues and we have fun spending time together. We have spent time with both of our families and traveled together. His family is closeknit and spend a lot of time together. If it was possible, I am sure they would have huge dinners every weekend. Because of my own interests and hobbies, I have not been able to attend every single event. For the last 3 years, his sisters (2) and sister in law (1) have tried at different times for him to meet female friends of theirs during these family gatherings. It is ridiculously obvious what they are doing, and they don't care whether I am present or not. Last Christmas, his sister in law and her mother had a dinner party with assigned seating and placed me facing a wall away from everyone in the room and my boyfriend next to the woman she wanted him to be with. The assigned seating was weird and I told my boyfriend that I would be leaving if the nametags didn't get switched so I could sit with him. Other couples were sitting together. During Easter in 2007, his sister had an outdoor party and one of her friends was sitting there overdressed and flipping her hair while trying to make eye contact with my boyfriend. I disappeared to play with the kids becuause I just don't want to deal with the game. I belive that both women have been told that I am not important. My boyfriend is not interested in any of these women and obviously he is dating me. We have talked about it, so there isn't an issue between us but it has really stifled my desire to spend any extra time with his sisters. I can't imagine being related officially to any of them. If this is how they act before a marriage I can only imagine how inappropriate they would be afterward. His sisters are persistent and the most recent thing happened this weekend. I am to the point where I just want to stay away from the family functions and hang at home because I don't want to deal with adolescent manipulation from adults. Hi sister in law has been aggressive and inappropriate, teasing my boyfriend by saying that he is still single. I guess I missed the boat on how to handle this. Thoughts and wisdom anyone? Thanks-l
MindoverMatter Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Why, exactly, doesn't your boyfriend do something? Why doesn't he give his sisters and sister in law a clear ultimatum to leave him and you alone? Why was it you, and not him, that was weirded out by the seating arrangement? He should be at least as pissed off as you are.
Author lostnspace Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 I don't know why he didn't get mad about the nametags. I made him switch the tags and we ended up eating together, much to the disappointment of his sister in law and her mother. He has said that they think they are "helping" him in some way and that I should just ignore it and take it for what it is. I don't know how to disassociate my feelings about their actions. I also don't want to be treated this way by anyone, but I don't want to leave the relationship. I don't spend enough time with these women to warrant a confrontation and I really don't want to. It is appalling how far women will go-these women are educated and have careers but are very backwards and anti-me in their behavior. Thank you for your response.
MindoverMatter Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 He called breaking you up "helping him"? He didn't get upset, AND he told you to just ignore a pretty personal attack? Leave him. His family isn't the real problem. He is. He isn't sending out any signals to them that he really loves you, and there is a reason for that: he doesn't. I know it stings, and it hurts, and you don't want to see it, but the truth is this: you cannot change this on your own, it hurts you and he doesn't care zilch about your feelings.
broken_promises Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Family dynamics are always so difficult. I have had a variety of experience with various now-exes families and it has often been a nightmare. (One example? My ex's mother threatened to kill me with her handgun if I showed up at my ex's birthday party. Yeah.) This sounds incredibly rude and hurtful. However, I have found that for many people, standing up to their families is too daunting and, most likely, your boyfriend is never going to do that for you/him. I wouldn't say that he doesn't love you, just that he can't seem to stand up to them. I would, however, feel somewhat angry with him that he isn't clearly articulating to everyone that he is committed to you. Is that the issue? Is it that you two are not married that indicates to his family that he is still "fair game" in their minds? Has he just not clearly told/shown them that you both are committed to each other, regardless of marital status? It probably would make things worse if you were to confront this... however, I don't think it unreasonable to ask your b/f to do so on some level. Good luck.
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