shyboy789 Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Hi,I have been dating this girl for a couple months now and now I really want to take her seriously. So we have talked about her past before and she still has left over baggage from her first boyfriend as in she is still thinking of him and will always try to compare him to me/any other guy she is dating/going out with.Before I take her seriously,I really want to know how to just leave that extra baggage in the past and start a new future with me. Also,I have messed up one time before.I lost her trust and I am trying my very best to redeem myself.I am doing everything in my power to try to regain her trust back but I really dont know how to do that. Please help,It really means a lot to me.Thank you very much LS.org.
boogieboy Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Leave her be, she wont get over her ex until SHE wants to. If looking at your face and hanging with you doesnt make her forget about her ex now, than nothing you do will. She might also be using the trust issue with you as an excuse to stay away from you. Back off from her, the energy you will waste on her for no gold will drain you. Trust me.
Devil Inside Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 There isn't a lot you can do to get another over their own baggage. All you can do is be patient, supportive, and empathic.
Thaddeus Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 My first thought would be to mirror what Devil Inside said about being patient, supportive and empathic. But the more I think of it, the more I wonder if that actually isn't enabling bad behavior. If she goes on and on and on about how poorly her ex treated her and you end up fawning all over her and being super-supportive, giving her hugs and telling her it will be all right, isn't that basically stroking her when she's continually bringing up her ex? Isn't that like rewarding the dog for pooping on the carpet? Sounds harsh, I know, but maybe the best thing would be to just sit down with her for a heart-to-heart talk and tell her that you're NOT her ex, you're NOT a creep and, frankly, you really don't want to hear about it. I'm not saying to be a jerk about it, but I am saying that you have to create, and enforce, boundaries. She'll probably recoil. That's OK. But you're not her emotional tampon, you're not her therapist, you're not there to fix everything that's happened in her past. You're there to move forward, with her or without her.
Devil Inside Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 My first thought would be to mirror what Devil Inside said about being patient, supportive and empathic. But the more I think of it, the more I wonder if that actually isn't enabling bad behavior. If she goes on and on and on about how poorly her ex treated her and you end up fawning all over her and being super-supportive, giving her hugs and telling her it will be all right, isn't that basically stroking her when she's continually bringing up her ex? Isn't that like rewarding the dog for pooping on the carpet? Sounds harsh, I know, but maybe the best thing would be to just sit down with her for a heart-to-heart talk and tell her that you're NOT her ex, you're NOT a creep and, frankly, you really don't want to hear about it. I'm not saying to be a jerk about it, but I am saying that you have to create, and enforce, boundaries. She'll probably recoil. That's OK. But you're not her emotional tampon, you're not her therapist, you're not there to fix everything that's happened in her past. You're there to move forward, with her or without her. I see your point here. Yes, establish boundaries...but careful how you do it. The important thing with limits and boundaries is that you establish for yourself what you will and will not put up with it. If she never gets over him will you stay around. Figure out where your limits are and stick to them. Communicate with her and let her know where this limit is.
dreamergrl Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 You can't. She needs to move on when she's ready. You can't push someone to do it. If you try to push her to move on, she'll eventually resent you... then you'll be without her. So.. give her the time she needs to heal, back off, and tell her when she's ready, you'll be there (if you want to wait around... personally, I'd move on all together).
boogieboy Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 You can't. She needs to move on when she's ready. You can't push someone to do it. If you try to push her to move on, she'll eventually resent you... then you'll be without her. So.. give her the time she needs to heal, back off, and tell her when she's ready, you'll be there (if you want to wait around... personally, I'd move on all together). Exactly, you cant make someone "get over" someone, they can only do it themselves. Hes got to tell her hes gonna dissappear until she forgets about her ex. Staying around for support, is not going to make her miss you.
dreamergrl Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Exactly, you cant make someone "get over" someone, they can only do it themselves. Hes got to tell her hes gonna dissappear until she forgets about her ex. Staying around for support, is not going to make her miss you. Staying around for support is going to friend zone you!
Thaddeus Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Staying around for support is going to friend zone you!+1. Quoted for truth. And, as we all know, the friend zone is an inescapable dungeon, worse than any Sing Sing or Alcatraz.
bigsmoothness Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 This is an unacceptable situation. If she's not over her ex after a few months then you should walk. Let her know in no uncertain terms why you're leaving. Tell her you're open to the possibility of continuing the relationship, but you think she needs some time to think about what YOU mean to her. By taking yourself off the table she might realize how important you've become. She might also realize how little you mean to her. Either way you're likely to discover the true nature of your relationship.
bac Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 how did you lose her trust? What kind of memories does she have about her ex? Do you mean that she says you that she is still in love with him ? What do you mean when you say getting serious with her? Do you mean starting having sex or considering to get married or something else?
lucy9216 Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 How long has it been since she broke up with her ex? what I mean is it really fresh?
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