bewildered1 Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 I've been off the wall lately ... and I'll try to make it short. This summer I had an intership that gained me a few friends, one of them being a girl who I became close to. We both kept it low key despite there being chemistry below the surface. This was mostly due to her having a long distance bf back home that she wasn't too overjoyed about because he seemed very overprotective. What happened over the course of the internship was beyond me. We'd go out, have fun, get a little drunk, and then she'd always come back to my place. We'd give each other back massages, and she'd try to crash in my bed ... with me in it. More shenanigans ensued. Knowing that there was something between us and the fact that she was drawn to me and initiated led me to make a move before we left the internship. What ended up happening was that we both got the point across to each other that we were both attracted to each other physically and personality wise too. This led her to confusion as she had a great boyfriend back home, but had me here, now, and in the future that she wanted. Fast forward to now, and I'm going through hell now while she works it out with her bf as to what she really wants ... She makes it seem like she owes it to her bf not to break his heart and promising to him that she wouldn't cheat. Now that that's come and gone, I've made her chose between missing out on me and staying with her bf, or opening up a new future with me. Her bf wants her to cut all communication with me, but that hasn't happened yet. She wishes her bf was more angry with her, for which I'm assuming that she wishes he'd break up with her. It seems the underlying feeling here is guilt, and the fact that there's a tradeoff to be made. Where does that leave me? Inbetween still being her friend while she resolves her decisions. She's said things like "I know what I should do, but I just can't do it". That being said, I'm waiting for the next few weeks until everything gets sorted out. And that's hell. Does anyone have any comments or suggestions for dealing with what's going on, and if this is just being the other man on the outside of their stagnant relationship? Thank you.
norajane Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Take yourself completely out of the equation. Do not see her, or talk with her, or text or anything. Just tell her that you aren't interested in being her fall-back guy and don't intend to hang around on the sidelines while she works on her relationship with her bf. Then go out and live your life without her. She'll either decide she can't live without you, or she can. Either way, you'll have taken control of your own life instead of letting her drag you around on her leash.
jennie-jennie Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Where does that leave me? Inbetween still being her friend while she resolves her decisions. She's said things like "I know what I should do, but I just can't do it". That being said, I'm waiting for the next few weeks until everything gets sorted out. And that's hell. Does anyone have any comments or suggestions for dealing with what's going on, and if this is just being the other man on the outside of their stagnant relationship? Thank you. I am curious of what she considers she should do: split up with the boyfriend or stick with him?
Author bewildered1 Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 "I am curious of what she considers she should do: split up with the boyfriend or stick with him?" Yes. Essentially she knows and I've asked her to figure out what she wants as the following: 1) Stay with boyfriend, cut me off, miss out on any chance with me. 2) Break up with boyfriend, break his heart, and start something with me. Either way someone gets hurt. I don't think she realizes this. We'll see what happens, but right now I'm worried that I'm just being used for drama. On a funny note, I hope she doesn't think she can still be friends with me! Funny how girls always try to do that.
norajane Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 On a funny note, I hope she doesn't think she can still be friends with me! Funny how girls always try to do that. You're still hanging around, aren't you? Why wouldn't she think you could be friends?
lkjh Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 She wishes her bf was angry because she wants to see him show emotion towards her. Cut yourself out of the picture, even if you get her do you want a girl that does this.
Author bewildered1 Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 Norajane - She's on a trip right now and going back home right now, so I haven't exactly been available outside of IM. But I did get to the point when she was giving way TMI about what she was going through to try to incite responses to tell her plainly to get her head together and call me when she gets home and figure out what she wants. Hopefully NC will stop the BS and give a clear answer. Thank you for the advice.
Author bewildered1 Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 She wishes her bf was angry because she wants to see him show emotion towards her. Cut yourself out of the picture, even if you get her do you want a girl that does this. I also think she's trying to get him to break up with her instead of the other way around. Something tells me it would be easier for her if he dumps her than she dumps him and "breaks his heart". Wondrous how guilt works that way. Ah, she's still a bit young I guess.
whichwayisup Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Yeah so she doesn't have the be the bad guy. How nice. She has NO balls or backbone!
cholla89 Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I've been off the wall lately ... and I'll try to make it short. This summer I had an intership that gained me a few friends, one of them being a girl who I became close to. We both kept it low key despite there being chemistry below the surface. This was mostly due to her having a long distance bf back home that she wasn't too overjoyed about because he seemed very overprotective. What happened over the course of the internship was beyond me. We'd go out, have fun, get a little drunk, and then she'd always come back to my place. We'd give each other back massages, and she'd try to crash in my bed ... with me in it. More shenanigans ensued. Knowing that there was something between us and the fact that she was drawn to me and initiated led me to make a move before we left the internship. What ended up happening was that we both got the point across to each other that we were both attracted to each other physically and personality wise too. This led her to confusion as she had a great boyfriend back home, but had me here, now, and in the future that she wanted. Fast forward to now, and I'm going through hell now while she works it out with her bf as to what she really wants ... She makes it seem like she owes it to her bf not to break his heart and promising to him that she wouldn't cheat. Now that that's come and gone, I've made her chose between missing out on me and staying with her bf, or opening up a new future with me. Her bf wants her to cut all communication with me, but that hasn't happened yet. She wishes her bf was more angry with her, for which I'm assuming that she wishes he'd break up with her. It seems the underlying feeling here is guilt, and the fact that there's a tradeoff to be made. Where does that leave me? Inbetween still being her friend while she resolves her decisions. She's said things like "I know what I should do, but I just can't do it". That being said, I'm waiting for the next few weeks until everything gets sorted out. And that's hell. Does anyone have any comments or suggestions for dealing with what's going on, and if this is just being the other man on the outside of their stagnant relationship? Thank you. I'm kind of in the same boat as you except I'm the girl. My boyfriend who I have been on and off again for a while now (currently we're off) is madly in love with me. Treats me like a queen, supports me in many ways... but the more we have issues, the more i feel i drift apart from him. Recently (about 3 weeks ago) I started talking to a guy that I hadn't really met before, but knew of him because he worked where I did, before I transferred there. I was having trouble sleeping and him and I kept messaging each other back and fourth, which kept me up even later. My boyfriend began to question why I couldn't fall asleep a night, and automatically started to send out accusations of me being with another man, or just talking to the "next" man online- but at the time it wasn't that way at all. Shortly after that incident however, we broke up... I at that point, I decided I didn't want to sit home and cry about it, and the guy had invited me to come hang out with him and watch a movie. So I did. We were never physical. And we weren't for almost two weeks, until we did kiss. In this time, my boyfriend was trying to get me back... eventually I did. I was worried about texting my new friend while I was with him, so I didn't respond to texts while I spent the weekend with my boyfriend. Mind you, I didn't text anyone. When I returned home, my friend got mad and thought I was intentionally ignoring him... he got mad because he felt that I had used him as a temporary rebound. But that wasn't it at all. My boyfriend and I are back on a break... but part of my heart is really unsure of whether I want to even consider going back with him.... and I find myself constantly fighting to get attention from my new friend who has a minor obsession and relationship with his career, wrestling... which takes up a lot of time due to training etc. I find myself cmpletely attracted to him...and his passion and drive, and his personality. Hes is everything I have wanted in someone I could see myself spending my life with. But he lacks in the emotional support, and turns my personal issues into something of his own. And its something that my boyfriend or whatever you want to call him now, can provide... except everything else he cannot.... and I am SO torn. ...I am not expecting a response... I think I just need to write down my issue... but if you have any advice or critcisms, I wont object..
Author bewildered1 Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 cholla89 - That was a great post and gave me a bit of insight into what's going on. Thank you. The only thing that differentiates your situation from mine is that you know what each guy has to offer specifically, and you're trying to measure up which is more important to you. Ideally you'd have someone with both sets of advantages to their persons in one whole individual. The only question that I have is that when you hedge your bets like that there's a huge possibility of losing both of them due to indecisiveness? I mean, not to offend, but it seems like you're really shopping for a man and trying to pick the one with the best features. After I've seen that in the girl I was pursuing ... I don't find it attractive at all. It's exciting, but she's creating a mess while she does it. The more I think about it the sicker I get. The more I feel used. Used for attention, used for support, used as a friend when there's something more. Something more when there's a convenient barrier of a boyfriend or ex-boyfriend to prevent things from really getting serious. It is using, in one form or another whether conscious or subconscious to fill a gap that exists. This is where boundaries come in, and no contact starts. I would hope that getting involved with someone would be a natural, mutual affair but it seems as I get older more people have issues going on, like commitment, and it's hard to find a healthy single person like myself.
norajane Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 ..I am not expecting a response... I think I just need to write down my issue... but if you have any advice or critcisms, I wont object..Perhaps NEITHER of them is the right guy for you, and that's why you are so torn. You know deep down neither can really be the guy for you, but you're trying to make them fit. It's never a good idea to jump from one relationship into another, especially because you have unresolved feelings for the person you are leaving. People need some time to clear their heads and hearts between relationships, or they just bring their confusion into the next relationship and mess that one up, too. One relationship at a time - decide if your bf is right for you or not. If he isn't, then break up with him for good, take some time to get your head together, and THEN start dating other guys.
lkjh Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Cholla89, you should stop using people for your own personal high. If you don't want your bf then break up with him. Stop jumping back and forth between guys. Thats a nasty habit and you won't be able to break it. Bewildered, go through and read these threads. The Man/Woman who is cheating always claim their relationship is over but they never are. They always stay with their SO. Do yourself a favor and stop talking to her. Even if you do get her, do you want a girl that moves on to a new guy before she is done with her old one?
Author bewildered1 Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 Do yourself a favor and stop talking to her. Even if you do get her, do you want a girl that moves on to a new guy before she is done with her old one? Thanks for the advice lkjh, I already haven't spoken to her in 3 days. With regard to relationship hopping and having to deal with a person like that if she swung my way, do I want that? If the ultimate goal was in the end a committed relationship, then no. I would run like hell. I've already been through that once on the losing side, and I was engaged to the girl when she did it. It took me the better part of a year to get my act back together after having everything you worked for torn down by infidelity. It's really sad and sickening from both male perspectives to see a girl who uses relationships as lifeboats, where she jumps from one to another and makes sure she always has somewhere to jump before doing it. Just for any girl out there reading this - that is ultimately weak, disgusting, and unattractive. That being said, why would I be interested in this one then? Since the year and a half I have been single from my last relationship, this is honestly the first one where we really gelled together and found an expressed interest from the opposite sex - not just me chasing around other girls. I think taking it at face value and nothing more is the key here. You can always get out of a relationship.
norajane Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 You can always get out of a relationship. Yeah, but with how much heartache involved? You're already upset, enough to be posting on LS about it. How much more do you think you'll be hurt, especially if she DOES choose you? Regardless of whether she decides to stay with her bf or be with you, you lose.
Author bewildered1 Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 Well, she finally called me and it got to the point where I had to end it. The conversation went along the lines of this: her: "what it boils down to is that I think we'd be great together, but I know that [bF] are great together." me: "okay, that's it then" her: "but I can't get you off my mind" me: "You've made your decision, and actions speak louder than words." I then hung up, crafted an email telling her not to im, txt, or call me. Period. So what does she do? Call me back, sounding sullen and asking if I was angry at her. WTF? So, given the long opportunities of awkward silence in the conversation, I filled it with explaining to her how selfish and hurtful she had been to all parties involved. She was confused and couldn't understand why she had been so selfish in the first place. It's beyond me. Good riddance.
norajane Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 Good for you, and it's ok to hold onto your anger for a bit. It will help you when you during a weak moment when you want to contact her. You know what she's about - you did the right thing for you.
Author bewildered1 Posted August 15, 2009 Author Posted August 15, 2009 Thank you for your support ... It's definitely going to be hard seeing as though I'm set to go on a cruise with her and her brother at the end of this month. I feel like that's going to be a mess, but my plan is to approach it as if I were completely single and to avoid her as much as possible. I think the worst part is not only did I lose someone potentially to date, but I lost one of my only good friends I developed over the course of my internship. It sure is going to be hard when/if she comes back to the company. What a mess ...
norajane Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 Think of this as an opportunity to expand your horizons, get yourself out of her pocket, and make new friends, have new experiences. LIVE your life. Soon, you will become indifferent to her, and it won't matter what she does, where she works, or who she's with. But you do have to LIVE your life - don't let her take that away from you.
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