NightLord1 Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 You're getting caught up in her game, don't. Start audibly reminding yourself why she isn't good for you. Don't worry about playing her game back, it isn't healthy. No, she'll never really care aside from the damage sustained to her ego, that's how she is unfortunately. She is going to make it her mission to make you cave though, that's why it's important you continue to say out loud to yourself why she is bad for you, you wouldn't believe how we start to process information once we have HEARD it, not just read it; HEARD it. It's amazing. You want to get to her? Be indifferent. If she calls or contacts just tell her you are "busy" or "you will get back to her when you have the time." If you ignore her ALL the time your going to validate her reasons even more for why she is being the way she is being with you and she is going to make herself believe even more she was right with everything she did. You don't always have to pick up or respond but when you do just say very few words and tell her you do not have time for her right now. I believe that is much more effective because if she is so used to you being there for her and you tell her you can't be that will get to her more. Just my 2 cents.
hoping2heal Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 You want to get to her? Be indifferent. If she calls or contacts just tell her you are "busy" or "you will get back to her when you have the time." If you ignore her ALL the time your going to validate her reasons even more for why she is being the way she is being with you and she is going to make herself believe even more she was right with everything she did. You don't always have to pick up or respond but when you do just say very few words and tell her you do not have time for her right now. I believe that is much more effective because if she is so used to you being there for her and you tell her you can't be that will get to her more. Just my 2 cents. You're encouraging him to play a game with this woman. Why? The last thing he needs to do is get himself involved in a mindgame with this girl. That is NOT going to help him or be beneficial in any way. He is having enough trouble accepting who she is and what she has done and what her true motives are, without encouraging him to actually be in her life and play a headgame with her. You listening DSM? Don't make me scoot you over for a chit chat . She is a spineless, nearly soul less, black widow spider of a person. You do NOT need to focus on getting her goat, you need to heal.
Author DSM2709 Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 I know I have heard that not replying to her calls is "juvenile", but I feel it's the only way to heal right now. Yes there will be a time when I do need to reply back (if I ever want to see my belongings again). I just can't keep giving in to every whim, she needs to know that I am not happy with this situation, and I can't keep playing these BS games with her. I gotta do what I gotta do.
hoping2heal Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 I know I have heard that not replying to her calls is "juvenile", but I feel it's the only way to heal right now. Yes there will be a time when I do need to reply back (if I ever want to see my belongings again). I just can't keep giving in to every whim, she needs to know that I am not happy with this situation, and I can't keep playing these BS games with her. I gotta do what I gotta do. Okay, who in the bloody hell told you that not replying to her calls is juvenille?
Author DSM2709 Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 Well, I was doing some research and one of these websites said it. Doesn't mean I'm following it, don't worry...LOL!!!!
Trojan John Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 By all means, play games with her. Turnabout is fair play, and she deserves it. Have random women (that you know, of course) answer your phone. When she asks "who was that?", just say, "oh, nobody. let me call you back." Then don't call for a day or so. Get your stuff and cut her off completely.
RedDevil66 Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 This is simple, she told you because she resents you and wants to hurt you. You prob. hurt her badly and she's reacting. She sounds emotionally immature, but none the less, she wants to "stick it to you" Move on, never contact her and she will be calling you in a few weeks when Mr Perect does not work out.
RedDevil66 Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 You're encouraging him to play a game with this woman. Why? The last thing he needs to do is get himself involved in a mindgame with this girl. That is NOT going to help him or be beneficial in any way. He is having enough trouble accepting who she is and what she has done and what her true motives are, without encouraging him to actually be in her life and play a headgame with her. You listening DSM? Don't make me scoot you over for a chit chat . She is a spineless, nearly soul less, black widow spider of a person. You do NOT need to focus on getting her goat, you need to heal. Very wise advice. Move on! If you play with her and try to hurt her back, then you're as cruel as she is and this is prob why she is going out of her way to hurt you
Author DSM2709 Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 This is simple, she told you because she resents you and wants to hurt you. You prob. hurt her badly and she's reacting. She sounds emotionally immature, but none the less, she wants to "stick it to you" Move on, never contact her and she will be calling you in a few weeks when Mr Perect does not work out. I never hurt her, ever. I was really too nice to her and she took advantage of me. She's been lying to me and possibly cheating on me as well. I accepted her kids as my own, and never did anything wrong. I just didn't possess the qaulities she was looking for. Shame on me for not standing up to her BS all this time. She hurt me, and she knows it, she just doesn't want to admit it because it would hurt her ego, and she would have to admit her guilt.
NightLord1 Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 You're encouraging him to play a game with this woman. Why? The last thing he needs to do is get himself involved in a mindgame with this girl. That is NOT going to help him or be beneficial in any way. He is having enough trouble accepting who she is and what she has done and what her true motives are, without encouraging him to actually be in her life and play a headgame with her. You listening DSM? Don't make me scoot you over for a chit chat . She is a spineless, nearly soul less, black widow spider of a person. You do NOT need to focus on getting her goat, you need to heal. I am NOT encouraging him to play a game. Being indifferent is NOT a game period. It is a way of carrying yourself in the face of adversity to show someone you are not letting them get to you or beat you or affecting you in anyway. A game is when you manipulate and are deceitful on purpose for the intentions of gaining what you want out of someone. I am simply offering to him that he will be more likely to get to her by showing her that he is not letting her affect him by her actions. But hey if you believe ignoring someone outright is the way to go then go for it. I just don't feel that it is because when you can show strength by standing up for yourself and showing you have spine that to me is much more self respecting then ignoring someone and running away from the problem all together.
hoping2heal Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 I am NOT encouraging him to play a game. Being indifferent is NOT a game period. It is a way of carrying yourself in the face of adversity to show someone you are not letting them get to you or beat you or affecting you in anyway. Yes, and when it's false as in, you're faking your true emotions to spite them, it's a mind game. A game is when you manipulate and are deceitful on purpose for the intentions of gaining what you want out of someone. Yes, that's exactly what he would be doing. He'd be acting as though he is indifferent even though he isn't, to spite her and burn her ass. Just because she deserves it many senses, doesn't mean he wouldn't be playing a mind game, he would be. Anytime the truth is not what's being portrayed to the other person, it's a mindgame. am simply offering to him that he will be more likely to get to her by showing her that he is not letting her affect him by her actions. Why does he need to get to her? She's a piece of work, she's put him through hell he should focus on healing now, not vengeance. But hey if you believe ignoring someone outright is the way to go then go for it. If someone treated me the way she treated him, I'd have no desire they be in my life. It isn't about just ignoring, it's about what's best to NOT have to deal with in your life. I just don't feel that it is because when you can show strength by standing up for yourself and showing you have spine that to me is much more self respecting then ignoring someone and running away from the problem all together. Cutting someone out of your life because they will manipulate you every chance you give them, and you're not strong enough to know right from wrong once they've started their mindf*ck is not being spineless. It's being smart, it's guarding yourself against the other persons tricks, and it is keeping your head straight and sane. That's much more important than showing the other person your a he-man.
NightLord1 Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Yes, and when it's false as in, you're faking your true emotions to spite them, it's a mind game. Yes, that's exactly what he would be doing. He'd be acting as though he is indifferent even though he isn't, to spite her and burn her ass. Just because she deserves it many senses, doesn't mean he wouldn't be playing a mind game, he would be. Anytime the truth is not what's being portrayed to the other person, it's a mindgame. Why does he need to get to her? She's a piece of work, she's put him through hell he should focus on healing now, not vengeance. If someone treated me the way she treated him, I'd have no desire they be in my life. It isn't about just ignoring, it's about what's best to NOT have to deal with in your life. Cutting someone out of your life because they will manipulate you every chance you give them, and you're not strong enough to know right from wrong once they've started their mindf*ck is not being spineless. It's being smart, it's guarding yourself against the other persons tricks, and it is keeping your head straight and sane. That's much more important than showing the other person your a he-man. Out right ignoring someone is childish BS and no matter what she may be doing now to him he came to care about her for a person she used to be and probably still is underneath all the crap that is happening now. Cutting someone out of your life all together can be something you may just regret like no tomorrow later down the road that could cause more pain and hurt anyway and could be even worse because what if he wanted to talk to her again and she didn't want to because he went off and ignored her? If he did want to talk to her again after all this then that is HIS choice and he is entitled to do whatever he wants. We don't know any of these people that are being spoken about. We only go based on what people say about them and to me it isn't right making assumptions or labeling someone you don't know. Its one thing to offer advice but its a completely different thing to judge a person you never even met before. Seems like you have control of this thread here though so I won't butt in anymore and will respectfully bow out of it. But considering this is an advice forum I was only offering another point of view if he wanted to consider it and you seem to get all up in arms about it if someone considers or listens to someone else that isn't your advice. I saw one of your posts in another thread where because the chic didn't respond to you right away you went and got all pissed about it. In the end the ultimate choice is his however and I hope he does find solace and aid in the words that you have given him.
Author DSM2709 Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 Listen, I greatly appreciate what both of you have pointed out in your opinions about my specific situation. H2H has made some very valid points, and Nightlord1, you too have made very valid points as well, and with a different perspective. My situation is a tough one like anyone else going through the same thing, it's not an easy, and deciding what I need to do for a better me is ultimetly my decision. I have taken what both of you have said into consideration. I never want to be treated like this by anyone again, and I hope I can take what I have learned from this experience to the next relationship. My ex is very good at what she does and she knew it, and I was just very nieve in believing her, when I should have been more aggressive and stood up for myself when she was being decietful and untrustmorthy with me, and for what, just so I am not alone? That is something I need to learn, I need to learn about myself, and love myself first, and that may take some time. I still have to face my ex next week when I finally pick up the rest of my belongings, and I'm not sure how it's going to go, but the important thing is, is that I remain strong for myself and not anyone else. I can't keep showing her my weaknessess, because it will just feed he ego. I pray to God everyday to make me stronger in dealing with this. I also pray for my ex, who I hope someday will look back on what she has done, not only to me but to whomever else she has hurt in the past. I thank you both sincerely for all your support during this. I'll keep you posted on how things are going.
Lizzie60 Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Now.. you got to move on.. If I were you I wouldn't meet her again.. ask her to mail the stuff.. or just to throw them away if it's insignificant to you. Don't show that you're hurt anymore.. she knows it.. and since she has moved on.. she doesn't give a 'hoot' about you... she might think that you're not hurting as much as you really are. Just move on... she's a 'ex' now... please EXit..
Author DSM2709 Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 Thanks Lizzie, however, there ar some things she does have of mine that I do need, it may not be alot, but I do want them back, and they are large items. I am prepared to meet her, I just have to show her that this is not affecting me. Get my stuff, get in my car and "see ya!!" has to be my attitude now.
NightLord1 Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Thanks Lizzie, however, there ar some things she does have of mine that I do need, it may not be alot, but I do want them back, and they are large items. I am prepared to meet her, I just have to show her that this is not affecting me. Get my stuff, get in my car and "see ya!!" has to be my attitude now. And that is all that matters D that you do what is best for you in the end.
hoping2heal Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Out right ignoring someone is childish BS and no matter what she may be doing now to him he came to care about her for a person she used to be and probably still is underneath all the crap that is happening now. How is ignoring someone childish BS? Are we all supposed to be in contact with our exes now, simply because they want us too and for us to keep them out of our lives it makes us childish? Come on. That's one of the most ridiculous things I've heard, it's childish to ignore someone you're in a relationship with instead of working out the issues, it's not childish to ignore someone who is toxic; and let's make no mistake she IS toxic. You've gotta be kidding me. Childish pffft. Cutting someone out of your life all together can be something you may just regret like no tomorrow later down the road that could cause more pain and hurt anyway and could be even worse because what if he wanted to talk to her again and she didn't want to because he went off and ignored her? Let me say this nice and clear so there is no more misunderstanings. She is TOXIC. She will do NOTHING but bring him harm at EVERY opporunity he gives her. For as long as he keeps her in his life and gives her an "in" she will use it to do something destructive towards him. PERIOD. She has done EXACTLY this for the last year +. It's not like this was a healthy relationship between two people ending because feelings have changed, or they are growing in different directions in life. This is a TOXIC, TOXIC person. If you have been reading and following his story, I don't know how you could not see that for yourself. If he did want to talk to her again after all this then that is HIS choice and he is entitled to do whatever he wants. Sure is. We don't know any of these people that are being spoken about. We only go based on what people say about them and to me it isn't right making assumptions or labeling someone you don't know. Unless he's lying, She is toxic, you have to judge people sometimes for your own good, to keep those people away from you, otherwise they suck you dry emotionally and cheat on you for a year, like she did. But Night does have a point, unless people tell the story as it happened, you can't apply any of the advice you get from anyone on this board. We make decisions and advise based on the story given, if you aren't honest in portraying it we can't give you any kind of feedback that is helpful. So, if you haven't been honest DSM you don't need to speak up and say otherwise, but do let that be a side note to you. Its one thing to offer advice but its a completely different thing to judge a person you never even met before. Ok. Seems like you have control of this thread here though so I won't butt in anymore and will respectfully bow out of it. No, I don't have control of anything. Also, I don't mind in the slightest other people chiming in, but did it set me off a little after all this woman has done, to see someone advising he play games with her? Yes. That's what upset me, not the fact that someone else was writing on the thread also. I just know how fragile he is right now and the last thing he needs is someone convincing him it's a good idea to make himself vulnerable to him. I'm just worried about him that's all. But considering this is an advice forum I was only offering another point of view if he wanted to consider it and you seem to get all up in arms about it if someone considers or listens to someone else that isn't your advice. I saw one of your posts in another thread where because the chic didn't respond to you right away you went and got all pissed about it. I never got pissed. I pointed out that as long as you all told her what she wanted to hear that's who she was interacting with, rather than anyone who told her what she needed to hear. You're assuming things kiddo. In the end the ultimate choice is his however and I hope he does find solace and aid in the words that you have given him. I just hope he finds solace period, he's been through hell. I don't care if it comes from my words or anyone elses, I'm sorry if it's made you or anyone else feel like your opinions aren't valued, I do know I'm strongly opinionated (I think that means bitch ) and I know I do get honestly upset sometimes, and maybe I don't have the right too, I just worry about these people getting sucked back in and harming themselves. But you're right, in the end it's always up to them.
Author DSM2709 Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 Thanks H2H, and everything I did write out here is the truth about her. This has been going on since April, maybe sooner, when she suggested I move out and get my own place so I can grow up a little, but it was for her own benefit, it was so she could be with other guys, which she denies as usual. I could make a list of all the different things I found on her, and her deceitful ways. She's even lying about this new guy she supposedly "just" met. I know for a fact it's the same "guy" she's known since May because his name (just his first name), is on a list with 3 other names, and where they are from. She met them on a dating site, which is where we met on. In may, I finally got my own place when we were going back and forth, she suggested we "spice" up our relationship and re-create our profiles on this particular site, to which I agreed, but now upon further review, it was so she could compile a list of new guys she could "check out", also to which she denied having any interest in any e-mails she got (and she got plenty of them) from other guys on this site. So the name matches and where he was from. The bottom line is this, she took advantage of me being the "nice" guy. I did some research on "nice guys" and discovered alot about myself. I was def. too nice and had no backbone, and to her, that lost her attraction to me. Case in point: Last year, One night I was in her bed at her apt., staying the night (this was before we moved into her new house, and I still had my own place), when she was on the phone with another guy who she's known way before she met me, they were close "friends" and he was drunk at the time, when she was talking to him. He was so drunk, I think he passed out on the phone. She suggested to me that she wanted to go over to his house and check on him, plus he only lived a couple of towns over, so she wouldn't be that long. I didn't like the idea and was against it, but she felt bad for him. She left to check on him, and I just sat there in her bed and allowed it to happen. What I should have done was when she left, was to get up, get my things and leave and go back to my own place and not talk to her for awhile, and that would have shown her how displeased I was, plus I lived an hour away at the time. I ALLOWED THIS TO HAPPEN, and I didn't say anything, I didn't stand up for myself because I didn't want to cause a fight or make her angry. Now ask me, what "MAN" in his right mind would put up with that crap? I DID!!!! Since then, she figured since I have no backbone, she can get away with anything, which she has. Shame on me for allowing all of this to occur, but she has told me several time what she's looking for, plus she is very independent, and I just didn't get it or maybe I did, and I didn't change. I still feel it wasn't right for her to do what she did to me. I partially blame myself, but I also blame her.
hoping2heal Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 It wasn't right of her to do that. But you're right, she wouldn't of been able to do as much damage as she had for as long as she had, had you not enabled her to do it. I'm proud of you for realising that. It's going to play a vital role in the success of your future relationships to know when to walk because you're being cheated on, or mistreated etc. Plus, you're going to meetings to help you out with resolving what's going on that led you to have such a tolerance and lack of assertive behavior to begin with. You're doing a really good job.
Author DSM2709 Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 Thanks H2H, You've been sticking with me throughout this whole ordeal, and I'm really appreciative of it. You have no idea. I also want to thank other forum contribitors too. I just got off the phone with my brother, and he says to just let it go, it's over, and don't contact her if I can help it.
Author DSM2709 Posted August 15, 2009 Author Posted August 15, 2009 H2H, I need your support again. I'm having a tough time this weekend dealing with the pain of not having her in my life...I know I know, she's not worth the tears I shed, but it hurts so damn bad, knowing I can't be in her life and that she's going to be spending time with this new guy in CT this weekend. I feel so alone and I did so much with her, when we were together, I was truly happy. I admit I was too much of a wuss to her and I did enable her to get away with alot, but how much I wish I could start over....it really sucks right now, I'm in my apt, alone and with nobody to talk to. It seems like the weekends are always the hardest for me, because I feel like none of this would have happenend if I just "manned up" from the beginning with her and I could be spending time with her right now. This not manning up stems from my upbringing, my mom drank alot and I feel like she didn't show me enough love...I truly feel that's the reason why I am the way I am today. I'm trying to deal with this the best way I can. My ex didn't want a "momma's boy", she wanted a man in her life, and I'm ashamed I couldn't be that man for her. I know with time, I can improve, and tomorrow is a new day, but I feel so freakin empty and alone right now. Thanks.
hoping2heal Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 H2H, I need your support again. I'm having a tough time this weekend dealing with the pain of not having her in my life...I know I know, she's not worth the tears I shed, but it hurts so damn bad, knowing I can't be in her life and that she's going to be spending time with this new guy in CT this weekend. I feel so alone and I did so much with her, when we were together, I was truly happy. I admit I was too much of a wuss to her and I did enable her to get away with alot, but how much I wish I could start over....it really sucks right now, I'm in my apt, alone and with nobody to talk to. It seems like the weekends are always the hardest for me, because I feel like none of this would have happenend if I just "manned up" from the beginning with her and I could be spending time with her right now. This not manning up stems from my upbringing, my mom drank alot and I feel like she didn't show me enough love...I truly feel that's the reason why I am the way I am today. I'm trying to deal with this the best way I can. My ex didn't want a "momma's boy", she wanted a man in her life, and I'm ashamed I couldn't be that man for her. I know with time, I can improve, and tomorrow is a new day, but I feel so freakin empty and alone right now. Thanks. Was only on briefly earlier, I'm reading now and will respond. Give me just a few minutes.
hoping2heal Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 H2H, I need your support again. I'm having a tough time this weekend dealing with the pain of not having her in my life...I know I know, she's not worth the tears I shed, but it hurts so damn bad, knowing I can't be in her life and that she's going to be spending time with this new guy in CT this weekend. Hey now, yeah she was a word I will not say now, but I understand you missing her. She was part of your life for 2 years, wether good or bad she was there. We like security and stability as humans, so sometimes even negative "constants" provide us some relief. Although it is dysfunctional when we begin to associate security with dysfunctional behavior; i.e an abuser might consistently tear down his partner, or physically harm her if she brings up a certain topic. That's comforting to her though because it is reliable, it is something consistent she can rely on. Her mental health has become dysfunctional in it's association of security, but it happens nonetheless. I feel so alone and I did so much with her, when we were together, I was truly happy. I want you to think about a few things. I'm not going to deny there were times you felt happy, but were you trully overall happy? How did it make you feel when she was cheating? How about all the lying? How did it make you feel when she could you down? I really want you to answer those, I'm interested in your perception of them. There is no right or wrong answer, so just answer honestly, please. I admit I was too much of a wuss to her and I did enable her to get away with alot, but how much I wish I could start over....it really sucks right now, I'm in my apt, alone and with nobody to talk to. It may not provide a lot of comfort, but I want you to know that perhaps you could turn back time, and you became an assertive person. I want you to know this scenario would of ended the exact same way, with you two breaking up. Because even an assertive and more secure and self assured version of you, would not allow a woman to cheat on him and lie to him regularly. So the semantics may have gone a bit different, but your outcome would still be the two of you not in a relationship. It seems like the weekends are always the hardest for me, because I feel like none of this would have happenend if I just "manned up" from the beginning with her and I could be spending time with her right now. I understand your lonely feelings on the weekend. Again, her behavior was not caused by you. It was caused by her, and controlled by her. The only thing "manning up" would of done, is caused you to leave the relationship sooner. You still wouldn't have her to spend time with, because as I said earlier; a more assertive, self assured, version of you would not have tolerated that behavior, and she not being in a state of wanting to change it (who knows if she even recognizes it's a problem? to boot) would find someone more accomodating. This not manning up stems from my upbringing, my mom drank alot and I feel like she didn't show me enough love...I truly feel that's the reason why I am the way I am today. WOW. When you and I first began all of this, you told me there was some alchoholism in your past and the rest was not up for discussion. Now you have completely opened yourself up about it. Thankyou for that . Very brave of you. I'm very proud of you. I also understand things a bit better now, it helps me understand why you have such a deep seeded need for approval from the women YOU LOVE, even if they don't show signs of LOVING YOU. Good for you for understanding where that comes from. I'm trying to deal with this the best way I can. My ex didn't want a "momma's boy", she wanted a man in her life, and I'm ashamed I couldn't be that man for her. No DSM, she wasn't acting like a "woman", she did not want a "man". I assure you that no self assured and assertive person would of stood for all of the things she put you through. She is trully fooling herself if she has convinced herself otherwise. I know with time, I can improve, and tomorrow is a new day, but I feel so freakin empty and alone right now. Thanks Yes, you can improve and grow. I'll tell you what, it's going to blow your mind and change your life, when one day you finally know how to pick out a good woman for yourself, and you have someone who dotes on and adores you. Who makes you work harder, just out of inspiration not because she tells you to do so. Who appreciates you and makes you feel loved and happy and greatful each day. That doesn't mean all day everyday, but each day it's going to dawn on you "I'm happy and I'm greatful". Someone who you know is telling the truth, and who would never do anything to cause a shred of pain in your eyes. It's really going to change you when it happens, I know from experience. You will look back on this and say "man, THANK GOD..just..THANK GOD."
Author DSM2709 Posted August 16, 2009 Author Posted August 16, 2009 Thanks H2H, I feel that had I stood up to her from the very very beginning, and been more assertive, and told her off about this crap she was pulling, she would have had more respect for me, and would have stopped. I believe that. She would of stopped and thought for a second, "he means business", and I believe I would have been the man she wanted, I feel I should have been more aggressive and ambitious with her, and more of a challenge to her, and none of this would have happened. She would have been happy with me. Overall, it was very stressful at times in her house with the kids, the dogs etc etc. I did actually speak to her on Thursday night (Only 3 minutes long, I kept it short), she wanted to tell me that she got rid of one of the dogs because he was just too much for her to handle, and then she started telling me that her brother was going to watch the other dogs over the weekend, to which she didn't explain where she was going, but I know where she was going and is right now...with her new "friend" down in CT, and it freakin hurts...but whatever I'm dealing with it. I'm at work now, so I'm keeping myself busy. Oh, and one more note. I guarantee she was more upset about letting the damn dog go, than she was about breaking up with me.
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