Louise02 Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Hi all, I am really confused right now about my relationship and would appreciate some advice! Recently I went overseas with my gorgeous boyfriend of nearly 18 months and we had a magical time exploring new surroundings. It was a well needed break from a very busy time in my life. My boyfriend and I have been seeing one another for nearly two years and I can only describe my relationship with him to date as perfect. We fell madly in love, he is one of the kindest, most generous people I know and we are so similar in so many ways. Our attraction to each other was so intense and I really thougth he was the person I was to marry. However, now I have returned, in the few weeks that I have been back, I feel different. The intense spark I once felt seems to have dimmed significantly. One minute I feel so in love, then I feel asphyxiated, then I feel indifferent and then it happens all over again. I have always known that he loves me just that little bit more but now it seems that I (but not he) have progressed past the “honeymoon period”, I am beginning to question what love really is all about. I am so confused. I used to want to make love to him all the time and see him all the time but those feelings have waned. I don't want to leave him and it would kill me to break his heart. There is something inside me that still cares for him deeply and I still like to hear his voice and know what he is up to. I just don't feel that 'wow' factor when I look at him any more. He is always at work and I am a student so often there is nothing really exciting going on with either of us and I feel that this has had a bearing on our relationship. All this soul searching is upsetting me as I still really want to be in love with him but I'm having trouble finding out what all this means. Any hints??
Author Louise02 Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 Oops! Just realised I've contradicted myself there - we've been dating for 18 months Thanks in advance!
quankanne Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 think of it as the more steady, mature phase of y'alls relationship. Trust me, the giddy "in love" feeling pops up from time to time, and it can be very sweet, but getting to the even keel stage is sweeter because you know that it's constant.
Thaddeus Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 It absolutely IS love, it's just that the first rush of infatuation has given way to something more subtle and meaningful. It's perfectly normal. It's even been studied by scientists who are interested in these sorts of things, and your 18-month timeframe is pretty much right on the mark. See Romantic love 'lasts just a year'. It's a crucial time. Expectations that love has to be constant heart flutters and gazing into your partner's eyes and an endless series of mutual orgasms just isn't reality. But if you can release yourself from those social expectations and media portrayals of love and stick with it, you'll find that what you'll develop is something even better.
jackmeijer Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Be clear about what you have to do. Dont be so confused and never take any decision when you are in this stage. Better find out if he really loves you or not then only continue.
Author Louise02 Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 Thanks quankanne I'm really quite upset about it and the more I talk to him about it, the more upset I get. Lots of things in my life are changing and I'm very confused. He keeps asking me things like 'Are you 100% sure you want to be with me', 'I know you love me but you're still in love with me, right?' and that he wants to be with me forever. When he does that, I just feel so pressured to love him so intensely as he does me which makes me freak out a little bit. All I want to do is live each day at a time as I am young. I'm not liking this change one bit but just want to move on and accept it. He just keeps bringing up the issue and nothing ever comes out of talking about it except for more tears and fears flying round in my head!
Thaddeus Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 He keeps asking me things like 'Are you 100% sure you want to be with me', 'I know you love me but you're still in love with me, right?' and that he wants to be with me forever.He's obviously picking up on something from you, something that's giving him some insecurity. What do you say/do when he asks you those sorts of things? (Note to guys: NEVER ask your woman questions like these!)
Author Louise02 Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 He's only been asking me these questions since I told him how I felt. He has underlying insecurities because his last two girlfriends treated him poorly. I say of course I want to be with him etc but the fact that he has to ask me makes me freak out and makes me questions my emotions again.
Thaddeus Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 I say of course I want to be with him etc but the fact that he has to ask me makes me freak out and makes me questions my emotions again.Now we're starting to get somewhere. He's asking because, strangely enough, he's missing that "mind-reading" lobe of the brain that men are expected to have. He's really, really trying to communicate with you, but, like most men, it's not something that comes particularly easily. We're generally not as verbal as women. As well as telling him you love him, show him. And nothing says, "I love you" to a man more than sex. Yes, really. And, while you're free to question your emotions, understand that emotions are erratic and unreliable. They can change from one minute to the next based on anything from the weather to your cycle to what you ate for dinner last night. They're guidelines only, not set-in-stone measures. Love is not an emotion. Love is a decision. If you rely upon your emotions to guide you in love, you'll probably end up in a series of relatively short-term relationships because you'll be looking for that rush of bliss that comes with first love, that very same rush that only lasts about a year or so.
Author Louise02 Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 Thank you, that makes so much sense. Prior to this, I've never had a long term relationship and as sad as it sounds, I was always the person that was the sure one in the relationships. I have always been the one who was told that they're not the one. As a result, all I've known has been the giddy 'I just want to see you all the time, you're amazing' kind of love. I've never gotten beyond that stage. And, yes, I suppose men do respond to the old adage 'actions speak louder than words' so some sexytime might get the message across.
quankanne Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 "sexytime?" :laugh: *must* remember this term next time I go prowling around hubby – we'll get a good giggle out of it. Kinda like we do with the term "duck butter" ... which brings me to a personal observation about relationships: For me, all the other stuff is good (can he provide for me, does he help around the house, can he get along with my family, etc), but I think the thing that stands out above all else is that after nearly 20 years together (17 married), is that he still can make me laugh. Good, deep belly laughs. And that's not easy to do. But for me, very, very important. that might not be your personal litmus test, but I'm thinking there's something about him that makes him a keeper, something that no one else does or can do quite as well as he does. Focus on that, and let him know that you appreciate that quality in him because it makes y'alls relationship special. Because telling him might go a long way in helping his insecurities abate. hugs, q
Author Louise02 Posted August 12, 2009 Author Posted August 12, 2009 Yeah I have no idea what duck butter is!!! I'm slowly getting used to this feeling. I think what i was most upset about was the fact that I was beginning to question a relationship that I would never have thought I would have ever needed to question. I just wasn't sure if that was normal. One day at a time!
You'reasian Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Hi all, I am really confused right now about my relationship and would appreciate some advice! Recently I went overseas with my gorgeous boyfriend of nearly 18 months and we had a magical time exploring new surroundings. It was a well needed break from a very busy time in my life. My boyfriend and I have been seeing one another for nearly two years and I can only describe my relationship with him to date as perfect. We fell madly in love, he is one of the kindest, most generous people I know and we are so similar in so many ways. Our attraction to each other was so intense and I really thougth he was the person I was to marry. However, now I have returned, in the few weeks that I have been back, I feel different. The intense spark I once felt seems to have dimmed significantly. One minute I feel so in love, then I feel asphyxiated, then I feel indifferent and then it happens all over again. I have always known that he loves me just that little bit more but now it seems that I (but not he) have progressed past the “honeymoon period”, I am beginning to question what love really is all about. I am so confused. I used to want to make love to him all the time and see him all the time but those feelings have waned. I don't want to leave him and it would kill me to break his heart. There is something inside me that still cares for him deeply and I still like to hear his voice and know what he is up to. I just don't feel that 'wow' factor when I look at him any more. He is always at work and I am a student so often there is nothing really exciting going on with either of us and I feel that this has had a bearing on our relationship. All this soul searching is upsetting me as I still really want to be in love with him but I'm having trouble finding out what all this means. Any hints?? Take a break - maybe some time apart, not necessarily breaking up, you will still be faithful but focus on taking care of your own career, interests etc. then pick a day in the weekend, for instance. Make it a date. A hot date! A romantic date! Make it fun. Agree to meet each other, dress differently and try to find each other.
Author Louise02 Posted August 12, 2009 Author Posted August 12, 2009 I like the idea of a hot date. My sister and her bf have 'date night' each week by which they do something they wouldn't normally do to mix things up a bit. Not sure about the whole break thing though. From experience of those around me, I've always been of the mindset that break is really code for break up. However, for some it may be a very good idea and work well Just don't know if it would do any good for me. I will, however, focus on my own interests. I think then I would be able to appreciate him more if my life was more diverse.
Thaddeus Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Not sure about the whole break thing though. From experience of those around me, I've always been of the mindset that break is really code for break up. However, for some it may be a very good idea and work well Just don't know if it would do any good for me.Personally, I have never ever seen a 'break' amount to anything more than an actual break-up. Never. Not once. And I don't get the sense that you want that. I stand by my previous post. It's a normal fluctuation in a relationship, nothing deep or mysterious or tragic about it.
Author Louise02 Posted August 12, 2009 Author Posted August 12, 2009 Personally, I have never ever seen a 'break' amount to anything more than an actual break-up. Never. Not once. Yep, I agree. Hence why I am not up for it. The way I figure it, this change would have happened to me regardless of who I was with. I'm just lucky that he is a loyal, understanding, loving guy. My exes are another story lol
Recommended Posts