IceIceBaby Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 I am 27 years old and broke up with my 28 year old boyfriend of 3.5 years about two weeks ago. I had been having concerns about him for the past year/year and a half. In a nutshell my major issues were his lack of motivation, the fact that he kept an extremely low paying job, he seemed to not want to give me any more time during the week but Saturday night, issues with him being a gentleman (I often treated him to dinner/movies, and the favor was never once returned) and I had never been invited to meet his family (he spent a great deal of time with my entire extended family...holidays, dinners, etc.). When I ended things, he was upset but just let me go saying that if that was what made me happy, then that was what was most important. He claims he loved me and wanted to marry me, but I had been telling him for a year what I needed from him. There were so many things he could have done and just chose not to. I feel like most people would at least put up a small fight. How can someone just let 3.5 years go if they truely love them? Is this just a difference between guys and girls? Did he just really not care for me like I thought he did? Or is he really that self-less and wants what is best for me and my happiness?
Soul Bear Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Sounds like this guys has had heartbreak before... You learn from your past relationships not to go and **** up any possible reconciliation by looking needy and pathetic- begging and pleading.....it only pushed my ex further away. Of course you know this guy better than we do...ball is in your court.. What do YOU think?
Author IceIceBaby Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 I thought he just didn't love me as much as I thought he did. But now I'm starting to think he's just unmotivated in all aspects of life. He seems to be ok with letting things go and just happen. It's just bizarre. Someone who claims to really love me. Seems to be a disconnect somewhere between his feelings and his actions.
Soul Bear Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 That's a great shame...i fought tooth and nail to get my ex fiance back and she was just a complete bitch about it all...made myself look mighty silly.... maybe you guys need to communicate more and try to resolve these issues?
Exit Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Well like Soul Bear says, maybe he is smart enough to not beg and plead and cry, because that never really solves anything, but he could have done SOMETHING. I would feel exactly like you do, he must not care. But some of the negatives you mentioned about him, it doesn't sound like a huge loss. 3.5 years is a lot of time to give up on, but it happens, and it shouldn't be the only reason to stay with someone.
boogieboy Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 So you wanted him to put up a fight? then what would you do?
bluesky123 Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 I was together with my SO for 2.5 yrs, had no clue she was going to break up with me. She said we had different values etc, I love this girl so much but she left me why would I beg for somebody who doesn't want to be with me. I was a gentlemen when we broke up and let her be. Two months of NC , it's kills me everyday but I'm not going to call her. If she contacted me , I would talk. So call him and talk about things, 3.5 yrs is not worth throwing away. I was similar to your ex bf in some ways , just got comfortable.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 It sounds like you were doing all the work, and he was only a shade past indifferent. It looks to me like he let it go so easily because it doesn't appear that he had such a firm grip on it anyway by the time you let go.
Soul Bear Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 So you wanted him to put up a fight? then what would you do? Good question
Author IceIceBaby Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 bluesky - At this point, I'm done with the relationship. I have no more energy to put into it so I don't have much interest in calling him and talking. I guess at this point I'm just curious as to why he didn't try and do the the things I needed from him. You do sound similar to him. You never once thought to give her a call and fight for her if you cared for her that much? boogieboy - More than put up a fight, I think I would have liked to have seen him at least put some energy into the relationship and keeping it going instead of just being like "ok that's what she wants, so I'll let her go." If you love someone and think you want to marry them, isn't that something you fight for a little? Or have I seen too many romantic movies?
bluesky123 Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 My situation: When she met me my career was exploding, I was driven ,motivated etc . Thats who she fell in love with, over the years I got lazy and comfortable I regret that. I'm back on track now, but if a person truly loves you they will make and effort to say with you and motivate etc the person for the better. My S/O didn't do that , she was supposed to spend a weekend (works in another town for the summer) with me. The day she was supposed to come up she broke up with over the phone. Why would I call her ? What's your opionion. I've been working on myself over the last few months and I know she'd be proud. But she's proably with someone else by now. What would I say ? She can call me to ........
fiser360 Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Well. When my ex broke up with me for the second time I didn't put up much of a fight until later on because I knew that it wouldn't matter and I would just make myself look foolish. Although I loved her and would have fought until the end if it would of made a difference. But knowing it most likely wouldn't have, I didn't say much but I wished her luck and wanted her to be happy.
bluesky123 Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Sounds like this guys has had heartbreak before... You learn from your past relationships not to go and **** up any possible reconciliation by looking needy and pathetic- begging and pleading.....it only pushed my ex further away. Of course you know this guy better than we do...ball is in your court.. What do YOU think? My high school sweet heart broke my heart, I did it all to get her back begged, cried, flowers and it got me no where . So I learned, with my new heart break ,NC is the way to go, I still have urges to break it but I PUSH the thought away fast !
boogieboy Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 boogieboy - More than put up a fight, I think I would have liked to have seen him at least put some energy into the relationship and keeping it going instead of just being like "ok that's what she wants, so I'll let her go." If you love someone and think you want to marry them, isn't that something you fight for a little? Or have I seen too many romantic movies? Yeah and he would have liked to see you stop trying to make him change when he didnt want to. Youve seen too many romantic movies. Breaking up with people and waiting to see if they will beg for you even when you know you wont take them back......c'mon. He wanted you to love him the way he was. You wanted to see him fight for you, and he didnt, and it bugs you. He beat you at your own game. Im sure he loved you but he wants to be himself, not what YOU think he should be. If he fought to stay in the relationship would you have taken him back?
hoping2heal Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 I am 27 years old and broke up with my 28 year old boyfriend of 3.5 years about two weeks ago. I had been having concerns about him for the past year/year and a half. In a nutshell my major issues were his lack of motivation, the fact that he kept an extremely low paying job, he seemed to not want to give me any more time during the week but Saturday night, issues with him being a gentleman (I often treated him to dinner/movies, and the favor was never once returned) and I had never been invited to meet his family (he spent a great deal of time with my entire extended family...holidays, dinners, etc.). When I ended things, he was upset but just let me go saying that if that was what made me happy, then that was what was most important. He claims he loved me and wanted to marry me, but I had been telling him for a year what I needed from him. There were so many things he could have done and just chose not to. I feel like most people would at least put up a small fight. How can someone just let 3.5 years go if they truely love them? Is this just a difference between guys and girls? Did he just really not care for me like I thought he did? Or is he really that self-less and wants what is best for me and my happiness? Boy oh boy. This guy is full of cop outs if I ever did see them. I was just telling someone earlier how important it is that people back up everything they say with actions, because that is the ONLY way to know it is sincere. No one has ever gave their word on something, followed through on what that word was, and did NOT mean it. Firstly, he never got a better paying job, he let you pay for the dates, and didn't concern himself with giving you much more than a Saturday night; because that's what value he placed in your relationship. You said for a year you communicated what you needed to him, and he never made an effort. Well, again that is what value your relationship meant to him. I about laughed when I saw the question "Is he that self less" (no offense to you.) Honey, a self less man would be giving you the world in any way he knows how. That means working harder, treating you like a lady on the dates, and not only listening to your concerns? But doing what he can to improve and meet your needs. He may not be able to meet all of them no, but if he at least shows effort and trying; that shouldn't go without being commended. I'm not going to say he didn't care about you at all, BUT On a scale of 1-10 it sounds like he put about hmm a 3 (I somehow feel like I'm still being too generous). Now, that's the amount he cared about you. No, not a 3; but I mean his behavior towards you in the relationship, the way he acted is the true reflection of the value he had for this relationship, because those were the ACTIONS. It was a big cop out when he said "well if that's what makes you happy then". Yeah, boy that one gets overused almost as much as the words "I Love You".
adamt Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 It is dangerous game to dump someone and hope they come chasing back. I got dumped and I wont be chasing after my ex no matter how much she means to me. Why chase after someone who wants to break up. I lost that trust for my ex when she was happy to walk away. I doubt she wants me back but she hurt me so much that I won't be the one doing the chasing. Its wrong to play poker with a relationship.
silic0ntoad Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 I couldn't agree more. You know, some people who have suffered heart break know better than to fight. With my current break up, I fought for a few days, maybe two or three, and then I said **** this, and told her not to bother. Haven't heard from her since. As far as the fighting for her goes- I fought for her for 3.5 years, and would have for a life time. Once the relationship ends, the fight goes with it. Don't want to be with me? Fine. Have it your way. You have to understand that laziness is a habit that is hard to break. I am sure he regrets it, but since you dumped him and say its over, why does it matter why he didn't try? You'll find someone who will. Most of the time guys get comfortable in a routine. I try to break routines. That's a big part of keeping things fresh. At least you no longer have an anchor holding you down, drowning you. You are free to find a healthy relationship with a caring individual that makes you feel like million bucks.
llala Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 it happens. Im sorry. But never ever underestimate the power of "moving on" will have on him. If he finds out you are kind, generous, non vengeful....and happy He will want you back.
Excellent Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 It is dangerous game to dump someone and hope they come chasing back. I got dumped and I wont be chasing after my ex no matter how much she means to me. Why chase after someone who wants to break up. I lost that trust for my ex when she was happy to walk away. I doubt she wants me back but she hurt me so much that I won't be the one doing the chasing. Its wrong to play poker with a relationship. I agree. I never begged, pleaded, stalked or anything like that when my ex dumped me. I really, really tried to show that i cared about her. Wich i did, and still do. And all it got me was a cold shoulder from her and more heartbreak. If you dump someone and expect them to chase you, i'd say you are selfish. Dumping someone to teach them a lesson is just plain stupid. It's ok to wonder about that, i just hope you are not one who expects it. From what i read, you gave him your warnings, and gave him plenty of time to atleast meet some of your needs, yet he failed to do so. It's over, leave him be, and find someone else. Speaking for my own, i will never do what i did if i get dumped again. The minute a future girlfriend tells me it's over, she will never see or hear from me again.
Woggle Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Most men know that trying to fight for a relationship usually results in nothing more than a cold shoulder. If he did fight for you that is most likely what he would have gotten. You wanted out and he gave you that with no problem. You both win in this situation so what is the problem?
hoping2heal Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Okay but people, seriously? You do realise he didn't fight because he quite frankly didn't give all that much of a crap, not because he's scared "of getting hurt or rejected" right? At the same that he muttered "well if that's what will make you happy" in his head he was probably going "Okay can we move this along? I've got doritos and halo waiting for me ". I'm sorry but the guy made her pay for dates, mostly just saw her on Saturday's, and despite her telling him what she needed from him for an entire year, never did anything about it. He just was pretty apathetic the majority of the time. The guy was full of cop outs, come on. When your words and actions don't line up you are LYING.
Kiss the Bottle Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Sounds to me like he may have had problems with depression, or needed extra motivation to get himself going. Did you ever suggest a psychologist or anything of the sort? Or did you ever try to help him explore different areas or fields for a better job? Sometimes it takes an extra push, words and just pressure to do things don't always get results, it might seem like more of an annoyance. If you didn't have the time or energy to devote that much of yourself, it's perfectly fine because it's quite a bit to ask for. But if that's your decision, he knows better than to beg and plead because it won't get him anywhere, it would just push you further away. I'm pretty sure he may have loved you, but not everyone will be motivated the same, working the same jobs, or leading the same lifestyle. If you truly wanted him to be something he was not, then you made the proper decision for yourself in moving along. Did the bad qualities outweigh the good? I think it's kind of ****ty that he would never take you out to eat or out some place if it's not an exaggeration, since spending quality time with your significant other is highly important, no matter where you go.
andreww Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 i think he is a bit like me and really doesnt have much self confidence. also it took me a few days for it all to sink in that she left.
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