Is it better to forget everything or remember and work through it?

[steelfist9]

There are two sides of getting over a breakup. You can either try to run from any memory of that person or the breakup or you can stand there in front of it all and soak it in and try to understand your feelings.

 

Which do you think is the better method and give reasons why.

[moo]

work through it so you learn about the mistakes you made and and patterns you may have about picking the wrong people. Also, process what the other person did so that you won't pick someone with those kind of traits again.

 

I didn't process my breakup before. I just got through it. I ended up with someone awful again.

[Thornton]

I agree with Moo. Those who do not understand and learn from their mistakes are condemned to repeat them...

[steelfist9]

That's what I'm doing now, but I think it's making it harder to get over here. I guess mostly it's listening to certain songs that hurt me so much. I've been in drinking mode(where I'm really not functioning, doing every day things like I should be) for quite some time now.

 

I've come to the realization of most of the dynamics of our relationship so much and saw things from her perspective that I almost subconciously began to justify her cheating on me. I had to stop myself because I was like, you know, there's no reason anyone should cheat on the person they are with. I guess I'm going through the stage where I'm thinking about why things went wrong, what I did wrong, could have done better.

[Peanut9330]

Work through it so it doesn’t come back and hit you in the face later, and hopefully you will learn form your mistakes and not repeat them in the future.

[moo]

Using self-help books to help you through a breakup might give you more structure in processing the breakup.

[steelfist9]

The hard part is that I work with this girl. I see her 4 out of 5 days at work. I don't get what's going on cause she shoots me glances from time to time like she used to do when we would break up. She'd come running back to me then.

 

We have broken up and gotten back together over 5 times.

[moo]

It's hard to process a breakup when you have to see the person all the time. Maybe a therapist can help you through it.

[borbiusle]

I agree with Moo. Those who do not understand and learn from their mistakes are condemned to repeat them...

 

That's the hard part for me, I have no idea ever what went wrong, just my own endless speculations/theories that I could fill a book with. I just always assume the girl gets bored of me after 5-6 months and moves on to the next dude, that's the way its always been for me.

[steelfist9]

What happened in your relationship? Did she cheat on you with someone?

[mickleb]

I've been in drinking mode(where I'm really not functioning, doing every day things like I should be) for quite some time now.

QUOTE]

 

steelfist -

 

Do you mean that you WERE in drinking mode but have passed beyond that, now? You say the above in the present tense, which worries me, as I don't think drink really helps you to work over stuff fully. The drinking will numb the pain a bit, perhaps enough to begin working through things but, sadly, the full extent of the pain needs to be experienced, at some point. If not, it will keep biting you on the arse when you least expect it - like in the middle of your next relationship.

 

Dating someone else can do the same thing: TEMPORARILY ease the pain. Healthier physically, maybe, but not especially so, psychologically.

 

The respectful thing to do, for (firstly) yourself and (secondly) your future partner(s) is to GRADUALLY work through it.

 

It's the longer, harder road but it, actually, gets you to the place you want to be much quicker.

 

Good luck. x

[steelfist9]

I mean drinking mode as in I'm doing unproductive things with my time because I don't feel emotionally and mentally up to going through the day. I haven't been very productive since this happened. Yesterday was the first day I'd slept more than 3 and a half hours since it happened.

 

The weird part is that we've broken up a lot of times and gotten back together but I've never felt this hurt before. I've been able to move on before. When I first found out about her and this guy, I didn't feel much for her. I really felt disgusted by her, and lost respect for her that she could get with another guy that quick and in the manner she did, but then we got back together, she lied to me that she wanted to work things out and repair our relationship.. that she was not seeing him anymore, and I guess as we were together for that short time I began to realize more than ever how much I didn't want to lose her again and just how much control she has over my emotions. I feared and hated that she could affect how I felt so much. And then, BAM, it happened. She bolted on me a few weeks later and I haven't been ok since.

[mickleb]

Aw, love. That's awful.

 

I think I get what you mean, then, with the 'drinking mode'. Guess it depends on your definition of 'productive'.

 

If you're able to take some time out just to heal, then do it - just make sure you structure it: keep a routine and some dates in mind for when you want to start doing other stuff again - stops you from going too far into the abyss.. x

 

Another person on the scene can make it unbearably painful. Feels like a punch in the face, eh?

 

You should take comfort from the fact that you've chosen not to run away from the problem and face it: takes a f**k load of strength, that.

 

I posted this one a bit earlier but I like it, so I'm doing it again...

 

Make pain your teacher, not your master.

 

You must learn from it but don't let it rule you. Part of learning from it is, obviously, experiencing it but try to keep up some kind of routine around it. This way, you can let it out but give yourself the opportunity to think rationally about why this is happening to you.

 

Take care. x

[Beeotch]

The latter...you can't run away for ever and when it catches up with you it is usually worst....

 

It is kind of like if you say you're cleaning your house but instead of truly organizing things you keep piling them into a closet...one day when you open that closet to throw stuff in, everything is going to spill out and you will have a MUCH larger mess than you initially had that long time ago when you decided to clean up.

 

 

It is much healthier and beneficial to deal with it and work through it so your moving on when it comes will be REAL. Not dealing with it is basically putting a bandaid on a wound that needs stitches. It is only hiding it but eventually it will continue being sore and infected and perhaps your hand will fall off lol...while even though stitches might hurt, you get it out of the way and you can heal quicker and for real.

[Soul Bear]

What a brilliant thread.

 

I tried to stay and work through it, but she ran into the arms of 2 men.

 

It was like i was the shovel and she was the hot turd in the sun----i tried to pick her up before she was stood on by the children playing. Alas, she wants to make a mess of things

Cowardice not to deal with emotions propperly.

[steelfist9]

I'm such a mess right now. I think I'll go to the park and cry again like I did last night. I am going to try and pick myself up tommorow and not look back.

[mickleb]

It's the ACCEPTANCE of what has happened that is the hardest.

 

When you commit to someone, you don't think about how it might end. They tell you they don't want you to be around anymore and your heart just tries to keep on giving - that's what you've instructed it to do.

 

It makes you feel like you don't know the person you commited to. You don't even know yourself. Nothing seems recognisable for a while.

 

But, gradually, the life you had before you knew them reappears and that life wasn't terrible (if it was, you shouldn't have even been dating anyone to begin with). And you can carry on with what you know won't harm you but makes you feel good, whatever that is: hanging out with friends or family, watching sport or movies, doing your job well, heck - completing a sudoku! It doesn't matter.

 

Obviously, at first NOTHING compares with the happiness you used to feel (with them) but you WILL feel happiness like that again. In the meantime, all the other stuff is around you, waiting for you to notice it again.

 

Right now, it's difficult to see how but you WILL BE OKAY. x

[llala]

little bit of A and B.

You forget eventually...and that's the best. You shouldnt stick to just 1. I always have days where i do 1 or the other.