broken hearted Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 We never got the opportunity to make our spouses feel good about themselves like the OW did. She saw him with new eyes that reflected admiration and validation for all he was or pretended to be while with her. We were home taking care of the kids, the house, the bills, waiting for someone, (HIM) to validate and admire us, too. I think we both grew complacent about the relationship, but we both so needed or wanted the same things from each other: respect, affection and appreciation. Had he TURNED TOWARDS ME, and not away from me for those needs, I would have been SO THERE for him! That's what still so hurts. But he CHOSE to have those needs met elsewhere, having lumped me and the kids and his stressors into one big pile of "what is not making me happy anymore." He never gave me, us, the chance. The underlying emotion to this sentiment is: Resentment. Wow! This is exactly the same way that I feel about my situation and my husband's affair!!! Word for word...
Author foreal Posted August 15, 2009 Author Posted August 15, 2009 Foreal, I too get it and I too still hurt. Here's why: We never got the opportunity to make our spouses feel good about themselves like the OW did. She saw him with new eyes that reflected admiration and validation for all he was or pretended to be while with her. We were home taking care of the kids, the house, the bills, waiting for someone, (HIM) to validate and admire us, too. I think we both grew complacent about the relationship, but we both so needed or wanted the same things from each other: respect, affection and appreciation. Had he TURNED TOWARDS ME, and not away from me for those needs, I would have been SO THERE for him! That's what still so hurts. But he CHOSE to have those needs met elsewhere, having lumped me and the kids and his stressors into one big pile of "what is not making me happy anymore." He never gave me, us, the chance. The underlying emotion to this sentiment is: Resentment. Spark, YES, that is it exactly! I asked my H why he did not turn to me...he said he felt I was already so overwelmed with all that was going on he felt he would be yet another burden on me ( uh, sleeping with my friend would NOT be burdomsome??!!)...yes, and I do resent it. And I also resent that he thought I would never find out- b/c afterall, in the end, if they figured we'd find out, they would not cheat...b/c he was not looking to exit our M or relationship. but that makes me REALLY question what the hell he was thinking b/c he knows me well and under clear and normal thinking, he'd know OF COURSE I would find out! Are you kidding me? So how messed up was he at the time thinking otherwise? Talk about clouded judgement and thinking...duhhhhhhhhhhhh. So weird how after it came out it was if he got slapped across the face and he 'snapped out of it' ...so strange the mind....why oh why could he not have snapped sooner and just told me what was going on with himself...he said he did not even know himself...he is working on that now in IC and I can see the improvement..it all still hurts though.
Author foreal Posted August 15, 2009 Author Posted August 15, 2009 This is a copy and paste from another site... The reasons affairs become addictive, the reasons the "validation" of the OP feels real - is not only because the relationship is new, it's not only because they don't smell our "morning breath" or see us at our worst - it's also because the very moment we are aware of the nature of the affair (the horribly monstrously selfish action of cheating) we also receive "acceptance" for doing this terrible thing - from the person doing the terrible thing with us. Not only did the WS not believe in the acceptance of other loved ones in their life BEFORE they cheated - they also are about to commit an action so heinous that they virtually guarantee to destroy the acceptance of the loved ones in their life for doing so - but the OP in front of them accepts them anyway. They have a "secret bond" that only exposure can break - because they are co-conspirators in self destruction. It's all about the ability to like one's "mental self image". Until an affair is exposed, the WS's "mental self image" as a result of the affair is an "falsely self enhanced" image. They like the way they "look" to themselves by having an affair. But on DDay, when the horror becomes known to others - the "mental self image" of having an affair becomes horrific. In an attempt to "minimize the horror" of the self image a WS has on DDay - the OP is thrown under the bus. Whatever false acceptance they found in an affair is exposed for what it really was - desperation for a better "self image". The lying after DDay is a desperate attempt to avoid facing the horror of what really happened reflected in the BS's eyes. It's a futile attempt to "preserve" some semblance of an "image" the WS can live with. When a WS can't enforce NC because they're afraid of "hurting the OP's feelings" - what they are really afraid of is seeing disapproval of the OP - a "nonapproving self image" reflected back at them. It's all about the WS's attempts to achieve some kind of acceptable mental self image in all the wrong places. Instead of looking within, and being able to accept their own imperfect selves - they disown their imperfections and go about trying to find acceptance outside of themselves (which is impossible without self acceptance). Embrace yourself along with your flaws. It is impossible to change ourselves for the better without first accepting who we really are - flaws and all. One can't change what one refuses to face. In order to believe in the validation our spouses offer - we have to believe we are worthy of it. That's impossible for a WS when they know the horror of what they are hiding. There is nothing wrong with the "praise" the BS is offering, the "praise" of the OP isn't better - the difference lies in the horrific knowledge the WS has of their own actions.
taylor Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 My husband, the BS, told me the same thing after D-day. He asked what I was looking for outside our marriage and when I told him he said, "You could have found all that right here at home. It's been here the whole time." Your husband said he didn't turn toward you, but away from you, foreal, because he didn't want to burden or overwhelm you. I don't really buy that. That certainly was NOT the reason I turned outward, rather than inward. I wondered many, many times why I made the choice to turn outward. Here is the BEST and most honest conclusions I can make: 1. I had given up hope that my marriage could work. That things could improve between us. I couldn't see any solutions. I didn't know how to make myself happy in the marriage so I gave up on it. 2. I did suggest MC to my H but he did not want to go there. He said we could fix it ourselves. I never brought it up again. 3. I saw my husband a certain way..had an image of him burned in my brain from years of marriage. The OM was completely different and I felt at the time that he could offer me something my husband couldn't. I will give you one small, but important example: It always bothered me that my husband never looked at me when we talked..never looked me in the eye. I always felt like I was competing with the TV or the newspaper or the car repair, etc. when I talked to him. And often I tested him to see if he was even listening to anything I was saying. Half the time he wasn't...very pre-occuppied with whatever else he was focusing on. He would even close his eyes the whole time we made love. I longed to see the passion in his eyes, but that's all I saw was eyelids. And most of the time I went to bed alone, unable to pull him away from the computer. When I would call him on it, he would say things like, "I can do two things at one time. Why are you making this such a big deal." He would tell me he was coming up to bed in a minute...then quietly slide under the covers an hour or two later. To me it was a big deal. It was a small part of why I felt an emotional disconnect to him. It made me form a mental image of who he was..cold, unfeeling, dispassionate..unable/unwilling to be truly intimate. I felt like crap. I felt unloved and I felt ugly. I felt like nothing I said was stimulating enough or funny enough or intelligent enough for him to listen to. At the same time, the OM couldn't take his eyes off of me. He acted like he was lost in my eyes. He hung on my every word and responded to every little thing I did with wonder and amazement. The OM told me he couldn't stop thinking about me..wanted to kiss me in the moonlight..told me he wanted to know everything that was up "there" (in my head)..told me he could hardly wait to just "see" me at work again after a long weekend away. It's hard not to feel SOMETHING when a person is behaving that way towards you. And when THAT is the behavior you are craving, you want to come back for more. I told my husband the OM made me feel like I mattered. He made me feel special and beautiful. Alot of it had to do with eye contact and his willingness to give me undivided attention...something I wanted so badly with my husband. With the OM I FELT like I was a better person...I felt prettier, smarter, funnier, sexier, more confident...than I did with my husband. Because he made me feel that way. I didn't turn to my husband, but to the OM...the one who was providing me with what I felt I needed at the moment...the one I was convinced was the ONLY one who could provide me with that. I think something similar might happen to WH. They see their wives with kids and housework all day and they form a mental image in their brain of WHO she is. ANd then they meet some sexy woman who pushes the right buttons. She has no kids hanging on..no broom in her hands...and he sees a different mental image than what's at home. He convinces himself that only THAT woman can provide him with what he needs...not the one with kids crawling all over her and up to her elbows in dirty dishes. I am not trying to justify or excuse anything here. Please don't get me wrong. I am only trying to provide a little insight into what might be the mindset of a WS.
Spark1111 Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 Foreal, amazing post from another web site. I see you read and research voraciously like I do, and it all helps understand the perspective of the affair dynamic. My blink on DDay was "This really has nothing to do with me!" Two years of an emotional rollercoaster the likes of which I have never experienced, I am back to that initial instinctual survivalist blink. It took a LONG TIME for my emotions to catch up to my intuitive logic. Oh well.... In therapy, I have grown amazed at WHAT WASN'T DISCUSSED in their relationship....so much that partners truly sharing a loving relationship talk of daily. It all seemed like so much....posturing to be the amazing wonderful people they both so needed to be with each other. Taylor, you are so on target. It is a love of the intensity of these fantasy feelings that make so many stay hooked for so long, because if it was "real love," why do the affair partners get thrown under busses or slink away to hide under rocks when the relationship is exposed? But most do, without a fight for the person they claimed to be so madly in love with. Barely a sigh or a whisper as they signal retreat...and disappear off the radar. One of the most amazing things about my WH's skewed perception during this time is he NO LONGER SAW ME for the person I was and that started pre-affair. He had me in a box: Children's mother; payer of bills; hard worker bee. He could not remember my accomplishments, our milestones, my basic personality traits. As the fog lifted after DDay, he could not believe what a wonderful and interesting person he had always been married to. He is incredibly grateful that I stayed and I, once again, feel cherished. When you were discussing computer use and resentments in your marriage, pre-affair, you could have been describing my marriage pre-affair. Today is soooooo different. We talk of anything and everything that makes us feel insecure. It is addressed and resolved and is so much healthier today post-complacency, post affair. I have learned that kind communication created in a safe environment where ANYTHING can be shared with each other is the most important aspect of a loving intimate relationship.
Author foreal Posted August 15, 2009 Author Posted August 15, 2009 1. I had given up hope that my marriage could work. That things could improve between us. I couldn't see any solutions. I didn't know how to make myself happy in the marriage so I gave up on it. yep, he told me that too- I forgot!!....first i got the 'you were overwelmed blah blah" (him shiftimg it to ME)..but I do remember he then later said he really thought our M was over...not that he wanted out, but he thought he'd lost that lovin' feelin' but wasn't ready to call it quits... and yes, also, I was in full mama mode- and when H's mom died (after a full year of her being horribly ill), i had a baby and my H was emotionally wrecked by his mom's death, and the way she died, very painful death...and it IS no excuse for him to cheat... but I can honestly say, I was not there for him emotionally. Which pisses me off b/c it makes me think, geez, I have a BABY and you my H are a grown man, guess what, you have to man up and take a back seat till I get this baby off my tit!! I did not see just how depressed he was and he made a huge mistake by not telling me..although I dont think he realized how bad it was, obviously. I am happy he is in IC and I can see the improvement in his own emotional awareness (Self intimacy etc). The MOW in our case had insider knowledge of the births, deaths, our dwindleing intimacy etc and she was close to him physically (same company) AND I asked her to watch out for him as I was so damn busy..! And I knew how miserable SHE was in her M.....I just never ever thought she'd pursue and/or my H would respond/ pursue back. Our relationship was always so good- we always worked thru things TOGETHER.....for 18 years we did....when our son was born it changed everything, especially as it coincided with the dying and death of his mom-then some more family came to stay with us as they were broke..lots of pressure!!!!!!! and he cracked. Spark, yes, you are right, what was NOT discuused between them is important...and what WAS said....he told her to F off several times, which shocked me as he has never spoken to me with such disrespect. (As I told him though, i would have prefered the Foff to you Fing her) That was a big thing for me, I kept saying to him after I found out "Why couldn't you treat me the way you treated HER?" And he kept saying, "I would NEVER treat you that way! you would never allow yourself to be treated like that!"..i didn't get it then, but now I do.... I think both APs (in my case) got the worst of each other. And as that post I did before says, an action so heinous that they virtually guarantee to destroy the acceptance of the loved ones in their life for doing so - but the OP in front of them accepts them anyway. They have a "secret bond" that only exposure can break - because they are co-conspirators in self destruction. That is some messed up thinking- "I am so low, but you , MOW, like me just the way I am, I am pathetic, yet you still want me...you MOW, you take me as I am, a cheating, lying, coward" okay mayeb he did not think that but that makes me feel better to think it...yea, i am rambling sorry! Taylor and Spark, thank you SOOOOO much!! Spark, it is so good to hear how your M has healed..i think mine will too- it is SO WIERD how I can see things getting better- we spent 2 years growing apart- it is so good to finally be grwoing together again, like we used to....MC has helped SO MUCH...we should have gone BEFORE our son was born....As our MC said, "You two had 18 years together, built a whole life and you did not think adding a kid into the mix would change things?!!" but boy is it a lot of work... big hugs to you both:)
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