what is happening?

[john1986]

I have been dating my girl friend for about a year and a half and everyhting was going really great. She was my best friend and i did everything i could to make her life easiar and she would constantly say she couldnt imagine her life with out me. We constantly talked about spending the rest of our lives together and a future together. I am 23 and she is 21 so i graduated college this past may and moved home to pursue my career... she moved to right outside my home town for the summer for a summer internship in the city. Everytyhing was great at the start of the summer but shortly after comeing home she just started getting real mean. Everytime i was around shed just flip out and say things that really just did not need to be said. Finally one day last week she just said you know what i really just dont want to date you anymore and some other really harsh things. WE talked for awhile and she assured me she just said it out of anger so we continued to date and i went down the beach with her and her family this past weekend. On the way back i asked her whats benn going on...that she just seems distant from me and she doesnt seem to even be attracted to me anymore...she says she just doesnt know and she just sint sure if she loves me anymore...she says things just feel differnty and she just knows she isnt happy when im around....i had already commited to helping her move out a few days later so she asked if i still would so like a fool i went... the second i show up she starts getting mad at me for everyhting i do...i put something in the car the wrong way and she started going off about how worthless i am and what a piece of crap i am so i started to get angry and asked her who she though she was to talk to someone like that and i didnt care if she didnt want to be with me but she cant treat me that way...she told me it doesnt even bother her when she talks to me that way...and that she jsut wants a break from me b/c i am just annoying....how did this just all of a sudden happen? what causes this? how do you go from literally over night saying u want to be with someone for the rest of ur life to treating them like dirt?

hings got even weirder for me lately...we hadnt talked since all of the stuff happened but she called me thursday (i am a police officer and was being sworn in last week and it was in the news paper) b/c she saw it in the news paper and was mad i didnt tell her. I told her after everything she said and the way she treated me i didnt feel i needed to let her know anymore. SHe seemed upset and started asking me a ton of questions about what ive been doing. SHes kept saying i dont even know what you have done in a long time tell me about it and was asking about my job and tons of other things. I am short with her but do talk for alittle. As i try to cut the conversation off she tells me her family is having a bbq and wants me to come down...i say i think we both know that it isnt a good idea and then she gets mad and says you know im going on a cruise in a few dats and i wont see you for a few weeks and i wouldnt have suggested it if it was a bad idea....i refuse and she seems mad but oh well...so then she calls me the night before she leaves and tries to talk to me like everything is normal agian...i lose it and say u cant just say things like u say and walk all over me and take advantage of me...and i tell her i do so many small things for u that you dont even take notice of and u just dont even appreciate it...then im the one who has to sit here while u treat me like [COLOR=#fa7777]* [/COLOR][COLOR=#fa7777]* [/COLOR][COLOR=#fa7777]* [/COLOR][COLOR=#fa7777]* [/COLOR] and decied u dont want to be with me...and i continue to just kinda lose it...she just says "im sorry you feel that way" and seems pretty much unfazed by it like she usually does...she texts me the next morning saying "i will miss you while im away".... what the hell is going on...is this all typical behavior?....i know i should prob jsut move on but i do love her....is this just her being selfish and not wanting to be with me but trying to keep me around alittle? im sorry for the long stories im just alittle lost

[BCCA]

John,

 

You found yourself in the grey area between how men and women communicate. I used to go 'what happened???', too, until I started being able to read between the lines. I'll do the best I can to talk your through it, and it will start making more sense.

 

Finally one day last week she just said you know what i really just dont want to date you anymore and some other really harsh things. WE talked for awhile and she assured me she just said it out of anger so we continued to date and i went down the beach with her and her family this past weekend

 

Something like that is not said strictly out of anger, especially not by a woman. A guy who is a hot head, maybe, but women do NOT say things like that out of rage. What it was is more likely a test, to see your reaction, but also to see how SHE felt about it. She was working herself up to dumping you. I see this all the time, little things like this are a precursor to the hammer officially dropping.

 

Also, it does not surprise me at all that she took it back because you were going out with her family. This is fairly common. She would rather deal with you being there over explaining to her family why you two broke up.

 

On the way back i asked her whats benn going on...that she just seems distant from me and she doesnt seem to even be attracted to me anymore...she says she just doesnt know and she just sint sure if she loves me anymore...she says things just feel differnty and she just knows she isnt happy when im around....i had already commited to helping her move out a few days later so she asked if i still would so like a fool i went... the second i show up she starts getting mad at me for everyhting i do...i put something in the car the wrong way and she started going off about how worthless i am and what a piece of crap i am so i started to get angry and asked her who she though she was to talk to someone like that and i didnt care if she didnt want to be with me but she cant treat me that way...she told me it doesnt even bother her when she talks to me that way...and that she jsut wants a break from me b/c i am just annoying....how did this just all of a sudden happen? what causes this? how do you go from literally over night saying u want to be with someone for the rest of ur life to treating them like dirt?

 

Its not an overnight thing, its a progression. As her percieved value of you declined, so did her desire to be nice. She was essentially convincing herself that dumping you was a good idea. Afterall, no self respecting man worth having would tolerate being spoken to in that manner. And by continuously pointing out your faults, she was telling herself that your actions were not what she could expect from someone else. The right thing to do was to tell her to pound sand, and come back when she felt like being a decent human being. Asking her why she is being a jerk is looking for validation that its for some reason other than you, when quite frankly, its 100% because its you.

 

SHe seemed upset and started asking me a ton of questions about what ive been doing. SHes kept saying i dont even know what you have done in a long time tell me about it and was asking about my job and tons of other things. I am short with her but do talk for alittle. As i try to cut the conversation off she tells me her family is having a bbq and wants me to come down...i say i think we both know that it isnt a good idea and then she gets mad and says you know im going on a cruise in a few dats and i wont see you for a few weeks and i wouldnt have suggested it if it was a bad idea....i refuse and she seems mad but oh well...so then she calls me the night before she leaves and tries to talk to me like everything is normal agian

 

Guilt weighs heavily on the minds of females. She wants to pretend like everything is normal because her only other choice is to admit that you arent going to give her what she wants anymore, which is entirely her fault. Ive found that women often try to put things as though they had no choice in the matter. "It just didnt work out" or "It just wasnt meant to be" instead of "I cheated with an outlaw biker" or "I was a royal b***h and he told me to kick rocks".

 

Bottom line, she wants to have her cake and eat it too, or she doesnt want anything to do with you. Shes not interested in a give/take relationship anymore, she just wants to take without you expecting anything in return. Your value to her is probably less than that of a booty call.

 

is this all typical behavior?

 

Yes, very much so. This is pretty standard; girl is done with guy, but doesnt want to admit to herself that hes not her 'friend' and probably hates her, so she does this little string along thing in hopes that her meager attempts to keep in touch are enough to keep you on the hook. She just doesnt want to admit that any guy that gets dumped is going to think the girl who dumped him sucks, and not want anything to do with her. EVERY girl I ever dated wants to be the exception to the rule, and pretend that all the guys they dumped still think highly of them, even though thats unrealistic.

 

i know i should prob jsut move on but i do love her

 

The loneliest place on earth is sitting next to someone you love who doesnt feel the same way. Your feelings for her dont have anything to do with her feelings for you. Moving on is your only choice at this point.

 

is this just her being selfish and not wanting to be with me but trying to keep me around alittle?

 

Its certainly selfish, but its almost entirely denial. She doesnt want to admit that your relationship was conditional, she wants to pretend that she was such an incredible person that youll still be there even after she dumped you. Shes only keeping you around for attention, trust me, its not anything more than that.

 

You have to let this go and move on.