NightLord1 Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 Drop it and drop her faster than George Bush's approval ratings. Seriously whoever broke up with whom is irrelevant when she is obviously trying to make you jealous and hurt you by throwing what she did right in your face. The fact she changed her number even goes further in her telling you she wants nothing to do with you right now. You call that number your only going to be beating yourself up emotionally. But hey I guess people are gluttons for punishment.
mickleb Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 JLT- Okay, deep breath.. Your instincts that things weren't right were correct: "I should be enough for you" was a loud warning that your ex had self-esteem issues and was trying to deal with those by clinging more tightly to you. Trouble was, you loved her. You missed her bad when you tried to be away from her so you thought you'd try to fit in with her unreasonable requests. The fact that you had chosen to break up the relationship and spend time apart from her seriously hurt her BECAUSE she had become reliant on you for her own happiness. She is now trying to prove to herself, and you, that she is over you and that she doesn't need you. (Good luck to her because this might be a first step she is taking back to herself, where the real work needs to be done. However, it is more likely she is running even further from the truth by running into the arms of another man.) YOUR response of desperately wanting her back (for a little while) is simply your natural feelings of jealousy that she is with someone else. You have admitted you think it's mostly to do with seeing IF you could get her back, or having the last word. That sounds nothing like really, rationally, positively trying to salvage a (QUITE broken) relationship that you truly, in your heart, know is 'the one'. You probably did have an amazing relationship with her, for the most part and, naturally, this is what you remember when you miss her. BUT the ground the relationship was built on was UNEVEN. She needs to be happier with herself. You cannot give her what she truly needs. (You can't give her anything at all right now, when she really doesn't want you to be anywhere in her life.) IF you love OR loved her, please give her the space to figure out what will really make her happy: to figure out this big mess in her own time and understand what she needs to do to be a confident, fulfilled person in her own right. Realistically, this will probably take years and IT MAY NEVER HAPPEN. It is a VERY hard thing to realise that something you wanted to hold onto, very dearly, is OUT OF YOUR CONTROL. Be kind to yourself by accepting this is the case right now and start looking out for NUMBER ONE, now. Doing anything else would be bad for you and also, honey, for her. Take care. xx
Author JLT123 Posted August 10, 2009 Author Posted August 10, 2009 JLT- Okay, deep breath.. Your instincts that things weren't right were correct: "I should be enough for you" was a loud warning that your ex had self-esteem issues and was trying to deal with those by clinging more tightly to you. Trouble was, you loved her. You missed her bad when you tried to be away from her so you thought you'd try to fit in with her unreasonable requests. The fact that you had chosen to break up the relationship and spend time apart from her seriously hurt her BECAUSE she had become reliant on you for her own happiness. She is now trying to prove to herself, and you, that she is over you and that she doesn't need you. (Good luck to her because this might be a first step she is taking back to herself, where the real work needs to be done. However, it is more likely she is running even further from the truth by running into the arms of another man.) YOUR response of desperately wanting her back (for a little while) is simply your natural feelings of jealousy that she is with someone else. You have admitted you think it's mostly to do with seeing IF you could get her back, or having the last word. That sounds nothing like really, rationally, positively trying to salvage a (QUITE broken) relationship that you truly, in your heart, know is 'the one'. You probably did have an amazing relationship with her, for the most part and, naturally, this is what you remember when you miss her. BUT the ground the relationship was built on was UNEVEN. She needs to be happier with herself. You cannot give her what she truly needs. (You can't give her anything at all right now, when she really doesn't want you to be anywhere in her life.) IF you love OR loved her, please give her the space to figure out what will really make her happy: to figure out this big mess in her own time and understand what she needs to do to be a confident, fulfilled person in her own right. Realistically, this will probably take years and IT MAY NEVER HAPPEN. It is a VERY hard thing to realise that something you wanted to hold onto, very dearly, is OUT OF YOUR CONTROL. Be kind to yourself by accepting this is the case right now and start looking out for NUMBER ONE, now. Doing anything else would be bad for you and also, honey, for her. Take care. xx I sincerely appreciate you well thought out and insightful response. I do believe she has many inherent issue that need to be fixed, though God help me if I ever brought it up because I'd be dealing with just more backfire when I did. Along with the self-esteem issues, as mentioned before, there was zero accountability. Anything that was said throughout our relationship for three years was taken back in a span of months with, "I didn't mean it" or "I was just kidding myself", when I know that's not the case. No will or mind of her own, but when you love someone it's unconditional, at least for me, save for maybe dealing with abuse or infidelity. And to reiterate since this has been brought up a 2nd time now, she did not cheat on me. We were not together and she met someone else.
NightLord1 Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 I sincerely appreciate you well thought out and insightful response. I do believe she has many inherent issue that need to be fixed, though God help me if I ever brought it up because I'd be dealing with just more backfire when I did. Along with the self-esteem issues, as mentioned before, there was zero accountability. Anything that was said throughout our relationship for three years was taken back in a span of months with, "I didn't mean it" or "I was just kidding myself", when I know that's not the case. No will or mind of her own, but when you love someone it's unconditional, at least for me, save for maybe dealing with abuse or infidelity. And to reiterate since this has been brought up a 2nd time now, she did not cheat on me. We were not together and she met someone else. Don't really matter if she wound up with this guy during or after she clearly doesn't have any interest in talking to you or wanting anything to do with you if she went and changed her number and didn't even let you know. Just because she may not have cheated during the relationship she sure as hell got another swinging dick pretty quick. Just be best to leave her to whoever she is with and let it go.
mickleb Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 I sincerely appreciate you well thought out and insightful response. I do believe she has many inherent issue that need to be fixed, though God help me if I ever brought it up because I'd be dealing with just more backfire when I did. Along with the self-esteem issues, as mentioned before, there was zero accountability. Anything that was said throughout our relationship for three years was taken back in a span of months with, "I didn't mean it" or "I was just kidding myself", when I know that's not the case. No will or mind of her own, but when you love someone it's unconditional, at least for me, save for maybe dealing with abuse or infidelity. And to reiterate since this has been brought up a 2nd time now, she did not cheat on me. We were not together and she met someone else. I'm really happy to be of any help at all, hon. Just need to say, though, that unconditional bit IS the hardest. But STEPPING BACK now is an act of love. Respecting the wishes of your ex is an act of love. Taking care of yourself, conversely, IS an act of love. You need to stay strong for you AND for her. She does not need you falling apart on her. She needs some space and time with herself. When she is ready, she can come and find you. She knows how to do this. And if she loves you, she will. Trite as the analogy about leading a horse to water is, it's true when it comes to love. You have shown her, in so many ways, how devoted you are to her but she has asked you to stay away. If you love her, you will do what she wants you to do. (DO NOT presume you know better than her. There is nothing more insulting.) This is so hard to comprehend - I know because I've had to learn it myself - but there IS no other sense to make from it. Please look after yourself for a bit or the stress you are putting on your mind will make it break. And nobody wants that to happen. xx
boogieboy Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Actually she is doing you a favor because you dont need closure, but she is cutting YOU off which is what you need to get over her. It will take you a while, but since you cant get in touch with her (well you CAN but you know youre not supposed to), no-contact makes it easier to move on. She wont be contacting you, so your torture of talking to her wont be dragged on. Many people here still talk to the dumpers and hang on for months, holding onto hope. She is shattering any hope, which is what you need, and you will appreciate once youre over her.
Beeotch Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Bad idea...esp since she changed her number and didnt give you in the regular way. She doesn't want you to have it and doesn't care at all about what you have to say...will perhaps hang up before you say it. Get rid of the idea. Send her an email being cordial, apologizing for harsh words and move on. Trying to have a civil discussion about feelings when this individual doesn't care about your feelings is going to be upsetting and frustrating. You are going to come off as a stalker who cannot get a clue. Leave her be.
georgia girl Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 JLT, Spend all of the money you would have spent on her on therapy. This is STALKING. It's scary and inappropriate and you need to hear that clearly. She made a choice. She has moved on. It's up to you - and you alone - to fix your life without her. I know that you just feel sad and want this "love of your life" back, but if she doesn't reciprocate (and she clearly doesn't), then LET IT GO. You could end up in jail (again) and this time, the parole violation will complicate your crime. A judge, seeing that you have other past criminal violations, may not be very lenient. Every state has very specific laws regarding stalking and they all have very prescriptive penalties. At the very least, if it doesn't rise to the level of stalking, it could still be misdemeanor harassment. Do this for yourself: put all of the effort you currently spend on wallowing onto moving on.
Author JLT123 Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 Don't really matter if she wound up with this guy during or after she clearly doesn't have any interest in talking to you or wanting anything to do with you if she went and changed her number and didn't even let you know. Just because she may not have cheated during the relationship she sure as hell got another swinging dick pretty quick. Just be best to leave her to whoever she is with and let it go. We broke up in Novmeber and she met this person a little over a month ago, so no, it's not like she went immediately running into another person's arms. As stated, we had been talking, but I was having a hard time getting her to open up even just a little.
Author JLT123 Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 JLT, Spend all of the money you would have spent on her on therapy. This is STALKING. It's scary and inappropriate and you need to hear that clearly. She made a choice. She has moved on. It's up to you - and you alone - to fix your life without her. I know that you just feel sad and want this "love of your life" back, but if she doesn't reciprocate (and she clearly doesn't), then LET IT GO. You could end up in jail (again) and this time, the parole violation will complicate your crime. A judge, seeing that you have other past criminal violations, may not be very lenient. Every state has very specific laws regarding stalking and they all have very prescriptive penalties. At the very least, if it doesn't rise to the level of stalking, it could still be misdemeanor harassment. Do this for yourself: put all of the effort you currently spend on wallowing onto moving on. I'd like to make it clear she also has a lan line that I know the number to and could easily call her on and she knows I know that number, and I haven't called her on it. The new person I have been hanging out with lives literally a few blocks from her and I have never even driven by her house, so please, the stalker label is much better suited for someone else.
RedDevil66 Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 oh please, this is not stalking. She changed her # to tick you off. You dumped her dude and she was/is hurt. If she wasn't, she would not have rubbed the other dude in your face. In any case, leave her be. It makes you look wimpy. Have some dignity with all this
Author JLT123 Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 I have tried my hardest to maintain my dignity. One caveat to this that I did not mention is that I have been with and dated my fare share of women. I have been married and divorced and was able to get over that within a span of a couple months... this with my son being taken from my home. In the past, when things have gone south regarding ANY relationship, I have been able to brush it off my shoulders and move on looking forward to bigger and better things. With this person, I genuinely looked forward to spending the rest of my life with them. During the first couple years of our relationship, I did MANY things for her to show her I cared, and spent quite a bit of money on her. Whether it was expensive dinners, spending a lot of money at gourmet markets to make dinner that night, taking her to my friend's pub crawl and fronting the the bill, going out with her and her friends and picking up the tab many times, buying her gifts out of the blue just because, waking up early in the morning before she got up to either buy her breakfast or make it, going to the mall and picking something up for her and surprising her with it when we got home, paying for the lover's suite at the MGM grand for the weekend and buying dinner at the most expensive place to eat there. Seriously, it's countless the amount of money and devotion I put into her. It wasn't just money, either. She is a teacher and I surprised her one day by bringing her lunch and sitting in on her class because she always wanted me to watch her teach. Every summer I would spend a weekend to help her set up her classroom because it was a lot of work for one person. I ended up buying a house, and they cut back our pay at work, and I was dealing with a perfect storm of financial, well, burden.. all of a sudden the expensive dinners had to be cut back for a night at Chili's or whatever.. I still made sure on birthdays and holidays she was treated well.. in fact the last Christmas we spent together I spent close to $800 on her. When we got back together last August, I extended an olive branch to her family and took her and her parents out to dinner, made sure I spoiled her with things to kind of get back in her good graces. This all the while afraid to tell her how tight money was getting because that always sent her into a flurry because it would "concern her for the future". This entire time, I was shelling out money to refurbish a ring for her and I couldn't tell her that was cutting into things because I wanted it to be a surprise. That really is what hurts the most about all of this. How I was sacrficing all in an attempt to do something nice for her, and the minute things got just a little rocky, all of a sudden there are too many "issues". I am so sick of shedding tears over this you cannot even imagine, and it's all been a huge shock to the system.
utterer of lies Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 No, it's a lovely idea to come off as a psychotic, needy, desperate stalker who she cannot escape from despite obvious actions to. What a great post. I'm confused. Is that really you, Thomas?
utterer of lies Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 blah blah blah rambling about ex Let go. Just let go.
Author JLT123 Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 I'm sorry, but I assumed the 'Breaking up, reconciliation and Coping' forums were designed for just that. Thanks for the insight, though.
utterer of lies Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 I'm sorry, but I assumed the 'Breaking up, reconciliation and Coping' forums were designed for just that. So why don't you, then? Why write long posts about her and reactivate memories that will only make you feel worse?
Author JLT123 Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 I think it's incorrect to assume anyone verbalising how they're dealing with any form of heartbreak, and the circumstances surrounding it, through this forum is being made to feel worse because of it. Again, if this isn't the forum to post such things then by all means, feel free to direct me to one that is.
boogieboy Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 I have tried my hardest to maintain my dignity. One caveat to this that I did not mention is that I have been with and dated my fare share of women. I have been married and divorced and was able to get over that within a span of a couple months... this with my son being taken from my home. In the past, when things have gone south regarding ANY relationship, I have been able to brush it off my shoulders and move on looking forward to bigger and better things. With this person, I genuinely looked forward to spending the rest of my life with them. During the first couple years of our relationship, I did MANY things for her to show her I cared, and spent quite a bit of money on her. Whether it was expensive dinners, spending a lot of money at gourmet markets to make dinner that night, taking her to my friend's pub crawl and fronting the the bill, going out with her and her friends and picking up the tab many times, buying her gifts out of the blue just because, waking up early in the morning before she got up to either buy her breakfast or make it, going to the mall and picking something up for her and surprising her with it when we got home, paying for the lover's suite at the MGM grand for the weekend and buying dinner at the most expensive place to eat there. Seriously, it's countless the amount of money and devotion I put into her. It wasn't just money, either. She is a teacher and I surprised her one day by bringing her lunch and sitting in on her class because she always wanted me to watch her teach. Every summer I would spend a weekend to help her set up her classroom because it was a lot of work for one person. I ended up buying a house, and they cut back our pay at work, and I was dealing with a perfect storm of financial, well, burden.. all of a sudden the expensive dinners had to be cut back for a night at Chili's or whatever.. I still made sure on birthdays and holidays she was treated well.. in fact the last Christmas we spent together I spent close to $800 on her. When we got back together last August, I extended an olive branch to her family and took her and her parents out to dinner, made sure I spoiled her with things to kind of get back in her good graces. This all the while afraid to tell her how tight money was getting because that always sent her into a flurry because it would "concern her for the future". This entire time, I was shelling out money to refurbish a ring for her and I couldn't tell her that was cutting into things because I wanted it to be a surprise. That really is what hurts the most about all of this. How I was sacrficing all in an attempt to do something nice for her, and the minute things got just a little rocky, all of a sudden there are too many "issues". I am so sick of shedding tears over this you cannot even imagine, and it's all been a huge shock to the system. Theres a few lessons here. Especially with money, be honest about it. A big red flag was her getting wishy washy if money for tight. Cant show complete devotion within a few months, unless she shows it first. If she has no challenge for your heart, she will lose interest. Problem is, you cant tell that type until its too late, you have to assume theyre all like that. Did she show any devotion to you at all? Why did you feel you needed to spend so much dough on her? It seemed like you were trying to maintain a lifestyle, to keep her interested, but what was she doing for you besides just being her? Dont ignore the red flags next time.... Read this about how to ration out peices of your heart.... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=196251&page=3
Author JLT123 Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 Theres a few lessons here. Especially with money, be honest about it. A big red flag was her getting wishy washy if money for tight. Cant show complete devotion within a few months, unless she shows it first. If she has no challenge for your heart, she will lose interest. Problem is, you cant tell that type until its too late, you have to assume theyre all like that. Did she show any devotion to you at all? Why did you feel you needed to spend so much dough on her? It seemed like you were trying to maintain a lifestyle, to keep her interested, but what was she doing for you besides just being her? Dont ignore the red flags next time.... Read this about how to ration out peices of your heart.... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=196251&page=3 This really isn't about being a nice guy because her ex-fiance (who left her after 5 years right before they were to be married) was such a doormat that she made him cry with the things she said to him sometimes.. in fact, she was with me because I didn't put up with a lot of her **** and she liked the fact that I had a bit of an 'edge' to me. I went out of my way for her in the way that I did was because I enjoyed making her happy in that capacity. I did way more, which I suppose is natural for the guy to do, but she did reciprocate on her end quite a bit.
llala Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 jees. Ok. What you need to do is move on. You should keep that feeling of "hope" in there somewhere to make you feel better for now. but it will go away later, in which case you wont care anymore. If she sees you've moved on, most likely the second things turn sour with new guy, she'll call you back. at that point make youself seem very cold to her advances. Only take her back if she does something special to prove it to you.
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