frustrated&sad Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 After a period of feeling better about my fiance's split with me, I seem to have returned to a period of intense depression. When I feel this way I want to engage in destructive behavior sometimes. Now I know this is all normal, but I think the increasing depression is stimulated by my feelings of failure. Not failure over the relationshihp, but more that I failed myself for not seeing who my fiance truly is as a human being. I keep kicking myself for not ending things sooner. Also, I am fearing September when I have to return to my old place of word and see him. Just thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach. I keep feeling so nervous because I have to move back to a small town where I have no friends--only good&bad memories of him. I'm afraid it might drive me insane. Plus, he's such a cruel person that I'm worried he might be very acidic and mean if we ever run into one another. Any advice? I could really use some.
DSM-IV Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 I suggest you see a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist (any of them) and consider the possibility of anti depressants. Or just see one to talk about your problems. Suffering alone will be the hardest pill to swallow, and it's especially hard to swallow considering you don't need to swallow it. You know what I mean?
moo Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 I think therapy is good and medication may or may not be for you. See what your therapist says. You can also talk to your doctor and see if your doctor thinks it's a good idea to go on meds. But remember, they take about 2 weeks to work. In the meantime, I suggest you read "It's Called a Break-up Because it's Broken" and do all of the exercises in there. Plus, Make a list of all the reasons why you shouldn't go back to him. And, If you dont' have any friends, get some pen pals. Learn about countries all over the world and areas in your own country. And Join a support group and/or an organization that is fun or that you feel passionate about And Get a hobby. Try out some and see if you like them. And Volunteer if you have the time. Good luck.
Author frustrated&sad Posted August 10, 2009 Author Posted August 10, 2009 All great advice! Thank you! Sadly, and mostof it already done. I see a therapist. I have lots of hobbies--I play cello, I spin, I paint, I salsa dance. I actually enjoy alone time. It's more the overwhelming fear or anxiety of being in a place that has so many associations with a person who turned out to be a rather evil person. Not to mention, I am terrified of seeing him out and about with the OW. I have NO DESIRE to go back to him. If anything, I would run far away if I weren't locked into the job. I guess I'm looking for advice/suggestions or even just support on how to be strong. I'm actually embarrassed to be even asking for such help because typically I'm one of those I'm-not-afraid-of-anything, go get 'em kind of girls. So these feelings are all rather new to me.
moo Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 Ask your therapist about some deep breathing techniques and other techniques you can do to reduce the anxiety.
trueblue72ny Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 Ask your therapist about some deep breathing techniques and other techniques you can do to reduce the anxiety. i take deep breathes all the time to try and relax. i try to walk a little slower and more steady instead of fast walking. that seem sto help center myself sometimes.
cypresa Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 you know what i did. and i know it might seem a little girly. but everytime i got upset by myself before going to sleep - i would put on an episode of Sex and the City!! By the time I'd finished the all 6 series i was in a much better place!!! such a fun fab distraction from real life... always cheered me up...
moo Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 yes, tv can be great. For me it was the golden girls and M*A*S*H.
hoping2heal Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 My guess is the feelings of anxiety are stirring up because you know you're going to have to see him soon. It's normal to ask ourselves "why didn't I just see it sooner?". We do it everytime, but hindsight trully IS 20/20. The important thing is these bad relationships, or relationships that weren't right for us are never in vain. We can learn valuable lessons each and every time if we allow ourselves. Do you still feel romantically for him? Or is it mostly just the feeling of betrayel and pain? Also, you said you were afraid of him being mean when you see him. I think the worries you're feeling are normal BUT there are ways to help alleviate them some, so what specifically are you fearing when you see the ex? You say he might be "mean" what does that mean? He will spread rumors about you? He will act devious? Etc.
Author frustrated&sad Posted August 10, 2009 Author Posted August 10, 2009 yes, tv can be great. For me it was the golden girls and M*A*S*H. I will certainly try T.V. Thanks!
Author frustrated&sad Posted August 10, 2009 Author Posted August 10, 2009 My guess is the feelings of anxiety are stirring up because you know you're going to have to see him soon. It's normal to ask ourselves "why didn't I just see it sooner?". We do it everytime, but hindsight trully IS 20/20. The important thing is these bad relationships, or relationships that weren't right for us are never in vain. We can learn valuable lessons each and every time if we allow ourselves. Do you still feel romantically for him? Or is it mostly just the feeling of betrayel and pain? Also, you said you were afraid of him being mean when you see him. I think the worries you're feeling are normal BUT there are ways to help alleviate them some, so what specifically are you fearing when you see the ex? You say he might be "mean" what does that mean? He will spread rumors about you? He will act devious? Etc. Thanks for the great advice, H2H. I certainly have no romantic feelings. I am afraid due to the betrayal and pain AND his capacity for physical violence when drinking. I guess I fear the rumors--he's quite good at lying--and the possibility of a nasty encounter. Perhaps I am just fearful of the unexpected. I've never been through something like this before! And I certainly have learned valuable lessons...
PinkToes Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 I really feel for you, that's a lot of stuff to have hanging over your head! Sounds like really good advice on here, and I'm a big fan of mindless distractions when nothing else seems to work. One thing I might suggest is to imagine a couple of worst-case-scenarios in your head, but instead of focusing on what he might say or do, paint a vivid picture in your head of how you would react; what you would like to say or do or feel in that moment. Visualize the situation where you are the heroine. Etch that in your brain. Also, hold on really, really tight to the belief that you will be able to handle whatever happens. You will be OK, no matter what. Focus on the strongest part of yourself; the part that is choosing to walk into the face of difficulty because she knows, deep down, that she will be OK. The truth is that you could run away, even if you feel locked into the job. But you're not running. Your inner wisdom knows you can handle this. Your inner wisdom is very smart. :-)
hoping2heal Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Thanks for the great advice, H2H. I certainly have no romantic feelings. I am afraid due to the betrayal and pain AND his capacity for physical violence when drinking. I guess I fear the rumors--he's quite good at lying--and the possibility of a nasty encounter. Perhaps I am just fearful of the unexpected. I've never been through something like this before! And I certainly have learned valuable lessons... Where do you work that he would be allowed to drink on the job? I'm assuming that's the only place you will ever be forced to see him, yes? Also, it takes 2 to tango. You're going to have to remember that, it may be difficult to not bite back SHOULD he try a confontation however, if you ignore him; litterally ; he will have nothing to do. You will take the flame out of the argument and that is that. Also, I would think behavior like that would get him fired, would it not? So, the problem would be solved if he wants to act unprofessional like that.
Author frustrated&sad Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 I really feel for you, that's a lot of stuff to have hanging over your head! Sounds like really good advice on here, and I'm a big fan of mindless distractions when nothing else seems to work. One thing I might suggest is to imagine a couple of worst-case-scenarios in your head, but instead of focusing on what he might say or do, paint a vivid picture in your head of how you would react; what you would like to say or do or feel in that moment. Visualize the situation where you are the heroine. Etch that in your brain. Also, hold on really, really tight to the belief that you will be able to handle whatever happens. You will be OK, no matter what. Focus on the strongest part of yourself; the part that is choosing to walk into the face of difficulty because she knows, deep down, that she will be OK. The truth is that you could run away, even if you feel locked into the job. But you're not running. Your inner wisdom knows you can handle this. Your inner wisdom is very smart. :-) Thanks, PinkToes. This was really great!!! I'm definitely going to do this. And I can handle this. You are right!
Author frustrated&sad Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 Where do you work that he would be allowed to drink on the job? I'm assuming that's the only place you will ever be forced to see him, yes? Also, it takes 2 to tango. You're going to have to remember that, it may be difficult to not bite back SHOULD he try a confontation however, if you ignore him; litterally ; he will have nothing to do. You will take the flame out of the argument and that is that. Also, I would think behavior like that would get him fired, would it not? So, the problem would be solved if he wants to act unprofessional like that. Strangely enough, we are both professors. He just happens to be one who likes to drink. A Lot. And go on the prowl. A lot. And we live in a small town. And, yes, I would certainly not tango. I would run in the opposite direction if I saw him. I want no angry encounters or nasty fights. Not my style. Sadly, we will see one another ALL THE TIME. Small campus, both in similar fields. Same events. Similar circle of colleagues. Sigh. It really is the fear of the unknown I guess. But you all have been so great. I will be strong! I will, I will!
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