confusedinkansas Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 I'm curious - I have read here over & over about affair partners putting pressure on their counterparts to leave their respective spouses. How common is it that after an affair you & your affair partner wind up together (divorced from your spouses) & live happily ever after.... OK that part might be a stretch - but how often does this happen?
Spark1111 Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 Confused, all I know is what I have read: Less than five percent go on to marry their affair partners and that second marriages have a higher percentage of divorce (65%) as opposed to first marriages (55%). In my own situation, when I discovered the existence of the OW, I threw him out and told him to go get her. He seemed passionately in love with her based on the texts I discovered, and even though enraged at his two-year long deception, I didn't want anyone who did not want me. I even prepared my young adult children for the inevitable dissolution of our marriage and encouraged them to try to accept her and to try and forgive their father. No one was more surprised than I was, truly, when he came home begging to be forgiven. I wanted NOTHING to do with him. They both sorta "woke up," in that she decided she could never cause anyone the pain she had been put through by her xH, who married HIS last affair partner after divorcing her! She distanced herself at first, but then hung on to see if I would divorce him and then he would finally be available for her. He relentlessy pursued me, but kept in contact with her as a Plan B back-up. I felt sorry for her, a victim of his mid-life confusion. He lied to both of us to keep it going. DDay took all the fun out of it for them, apparently. Not sure if this is the answer you were looking for, either.
Author confusedinkansas Posted August 10, 2009 Author Posted August 10, 2009 WOW - that's quite a story. I'm not really looking for specific answers. I was just curious because of the pressures that I read about here for the affiar partners to leave their spouses. In my situation - we only spoke very briefly about 'being together'...& for us, leaving our spouses was out of the question. BUT even though HIS wife left him for another man, he still never once pressured me to leave my husband - as a matter of fact, it was never really spoken of again once his divorce was final. HIND SITE:(which is always 20/20) He just wanted someone to keep him company on the weekends so he wasn't lonely & wasn't interested in a total commitment with anyone. Even when we saw each other a few times after I separated from my husband (just for drinks, just as friends) It was never brought up...Although he was in a relationship with another married woman at that time - so I wouldn't have been interested. (After my D-Day I vowed NEVER AGAIN to Cheat ON or WITH anyone ever) My question here is just more out of curiosity - since my affair was not like that.
wildcutie Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 The man I am/was having an affair with left his wife 3 months after we met. I was still married at the time, and he didn't leave for me -- he left because the marriage was over. Our affair continued on for another year, and I decided to leave my spouse. Not to be with my lover, but because my marriage wasn't what I needed or wanted anymore. We are both single now, but taking things slowly, and I am not sure how it will work out in the end, but I have high hopes.
Spark1111 Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 Ahhhh, confused....I missed the pressure part. At one time, he claims he did consider ending our marriage to marry her, but in his heart, while the affair filled many of his needs, he "knew" she wasn't THE ONE. However, he neglected to tell HER that. How cowardly that was I told him. He often alluded to reaching his financial goals and taking care of her and her son forever, once his "family" was set. So I'm sure she deduced they'd have future together. It kept her on his hook, so to speak. Also, he was/is a wonderful father and she would respect someone who "stayed for the sake of his children." But his children were all in their early 20s, and I find that a laughable, but workable excuse not to leave the unhappy marriage he claimed to have. She bought it, or maybe, allowed it to string her hope a long for quite awhile, dreaming of a future with her "soulmate," this really great guy who had to take care of others before he could commit to her. He loved the attention, intense flattery, and being the total center of her world. He allowed her to draw whatever conclusions were necessary to keep his fantasy life alive. Reading here, I've learned it's a pretty typical scenario. And I remain amazed at what is LEFT UNSPOKEN between two lovers to keep the affair dynamic going. Whatever it takes, I guess. That is why I am a believer in the affair fog, that dopamine spike and crash that acts like a potent drug fueled by fantasy and secrecy. I lived it after DDay. Financially, I am not dependent on his income. He really could have left at any time.
Author confusedinkansas Posted August 10, 2009 Author Posted August 10, 2009 Financially, I am not dependent on his income. He really could have left at any time. So you & he are not together......& HE is not with her?
Devil Inside Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 I don't think it happens often. Like someone said...like less than 5%. I seriously considered it...we had a plan to be together and get married. It didn't happen...looking back...even if I left we had a lot of things that would have made it hard to have a LTR. Especially since we met each other in deception and lied to our spouses...not a goof foundation for a marriage.
Gamine Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 I read on a website (The Other Woman) that less than 10% of MM leave their spouse for the AP and of that 10% a significant percentage return to the original spouse even after divorce is final. I interpreted that to mean.... almost never, and when they do many of them return or try to return to the wife.
OpenBook Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 I don't think it happens often. Like someone said...like less than 5%. I seriously considered it...we had a plan to be together and get married. It didn't happen...looking back...even if I left we had a lot of things that would have made it hard to have a LTR. Especially since we met each other in deception and lied to our spouses...not a goof foundation for a marriage. I've always suspected that on some level, most MM's don't have a whole lot of respect for their OW... simply because she said "yes" to him. So as women, we're damned if we do and damned if we don't. If we marry you, you'll cheat on us eventually. If we have an A with you, you won't respect us.
silktricks Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 And I remain amazed at what is LEFT UNSPOKEN between two lovers to keep the affair dynamic going. Whatever it takes, I guess. I know my H used the "left unspoken" part to further deceive the OW. He would say things like "what would you do if I told you I love you." Implying, of course, that he did, while not actually saying it. Since I'm the kind of person who would say - "well, do you?", her reactions were completely confusing to me.
OWoman Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 I'm curious - I have read here over & over about affair partners putting pressure on their counterparts to leave their respective spouses. How common is it that after an affair you & your affair partner wind up together (divorced from your spouses) & live happily ever after.... OK that part might be a stretch - but how often does this happen? Confused, I'd wager that if pressure had to be brought to bear on either partner, any R that resulted between the APs would not have much chance in the long term. People who act under duress, rather than their own free will, are likely to resent the one they felt "forced" them into that action when the going gets tough, I'd guess. In my case, there was no pressure. No ultimatum. No manipulation. We'd had an agreement about the terms of the A, clear and upfront, and at the point where those no longer resonated with what we felt, we sat down and discussed changing them. We decided, at that point, that we wanted to be together long term, and we discussed what we'd both need to do for that to become possible, and we made plans for that to happen and then acted on them. Had either of us felt any pressure, it wouldn't have worked.
Author confusedinkansas Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 I've always suspected that on some level, most MM's don't have a whole lot of respect for their OW... simply because she said "yes" to him. So as women, we're damned if we do and damned if we don't. If we marry you, you'll cheat on us eventually. If we have an A with you, you won't respect us. I'm not assuming that only the Man is married here......What if BOTH parties are married? For instance - in my situation we were BOTH married at the time of the affair. And I remain amazed at what is LEFT UNSPOKEN between two lovers to keep the affair dynamic going. Whatever it takes, I guess. Wow - I never looked at it that way before.
Author confusedinkansas Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 I also ask this question because my father-in-law 20+ years ago left my mother-in-law for his secretary. That he "rescued" from her abusive husband. They are still married & from what the fam. can tell - content with each other. My guess with her is that once the affair started she pressured him into "saving" her. (it's the familie's concensus as well)
Thaddeus Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 I read on a website (The Other Woman) that less than 10% of MM leave their spouse for the AP and of that 10% a significant percentage return to the original spouse even after divorce is final. I interpreted that to mean.... almost never, and when they do many of them return or try to return to the wife.I seems to recall reading a similar stat, though I don't remember where I saw it. Personally, I know of one couple that's now married with two children that started off as an affair (he cheated on his first wife, got divorced, married OW). But I think that's a pretty rare occurrence. And, for the record, the fellow in question is completely and utterly pu55y-whipped. It's very sad.
Spark1111 Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Good point OWoman. Any relationship begun under duress won't last. Most --not all-- begun in deception, do not last. Some are called Exit affairs: the marriage has been so terrible for so long, that you were leaving anyway, but the feelings you share with a new person hasten your decision to divorce. Not sure how many of these relationships last long, but I assume longer than the CONFUSION affairs--the ones where you wake up and say, How did this happen? Who am I? What the bejeezus am I doing leading a double life? Those are the painful ones, for all involved. I refused to be his default choice after DDay, ignored him, told him to figure out his confusion, and to stay the hell away from me. I have never felt a pain like the pain of betrayal and deception. It is so much worse than the affair itself. I can understand developing feelings for another and wanting to explore those. Separate, date, tell the truth, let ME date. We'll go to marriage counseling and try to figure out if we have something to salvage. But to lie to my face? The person I trust above all others? That's the part of the triangle most of us do not get. And that is the hardest to recover from. I only felt empathy for the OW. In his confusion he lied to her too, but the feelings he had for her were real for those moments. Is he a bad guy? No, he's really a good guy who lost his moral compass for awhile. We are still together and I love him dearly. But I will never be the same person I wasand will never look at him the same way, and now that hurts him most of all. And maybe always will.
Snowflower Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 And, for the record, the fellow in question is completely and utterly pu55y-whipped. It's very sad. This is not quite the term I would normally use, but I get the gist of what you are saying here, Thaddeus. In another thread recently, it was mentioned that oftentimes the AP has to completely 'break' their MP in order to get them to leave the marriage and go with them. I know there are exceptions to this-a true love relationship is discovered between the APs and each partner makes a decision to leave/be together out of FREE WILL. However, it seems like this is rarely the case More often, and I have seen it all over threads on LS and have seen it IRL- the AP is trying everything they can to get the MP to leave the marriage. I think that ends up backfiring most of the time. It is like some AP take advantage of their MP being in a confused state, maybe the affair was just found out by the BS, the BS has kicked their WS out, etc. The MP's life is most likely in turmoil and the AP uses that to their advantage. It appears few of these relationships turn out happy-especially for the MP. Speaking from my own particular situation, the OW was trying everything to get my husband to leave me for her. I wasn't sure our marriage could be salvaged at that point, a couple of weeks after d-day, and I had detached myself enough from him that I could look at the situation somewhat objectively. I was concerned for my husband at that point, as a FRIEND because it seemed like his OW was making all these glorious plans for them to be together and just pushing ahead without consulting him. It was scary stuff. I actually felt sorry for my WH at that point because he seemed so bewildered. I told him that even if he was completely finished with our marriage (fine by me at that point), that he should be careful about what the OW was trying to decide for him. I could see a very sad future for him-where he had totally screwed up his life and she would have called the shots. Yes, he would have been 'whipped.' Fortunately, he was able to get his head clear enough to take a step back and see the situation for what it really was.
Author confusedinkansas Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 This is not quite the term I would normally use, but I get the gist of what you are saying here, Thaddeus. In another thread recently, it was mentioned that oftentimes the AP has to completely 'break' their MP in order to get them to leave the marriage and go with them. I know there are exceptions to this-a true love relationship is discovered between the APs and each partner makes a decision to leave/be together out of FREE WILL. However, it seems like this is rarely the case More often, and I have seen it all over threads on LS and have seen it IRL- the AP is trying everything they can to get the MP to leave the marriage. I think that ends up backfiring most of the time. It is like some AP take advantage of their MP being in a confused state, maybe the affair was just found out by the BS, the BS has kicked their WS out, etc. The MP's life is most likely in turmoil and the AP uses that to their advantage. It appears few of these relationships turn out happy-especially for the MP. Speaking from my own particular situation, the OW was trying everything to get my husband to leave me for her. I wasn't sure our marriage could be salvaged at that point, a couple of weeks after d-day, and I had detached myself enough from him that I could look at the situation somewhat objectively. I was concerned for my husband at that point, as a FRIEND because it seemed like his OW was making all these glorious plans for them to be together and just pushing ahead without consulting him. It was scary stuff. I actually felt sorry for my WH at that point because he seemed so bewildered. I told him that even if he was completely finished with our marriage (fine by me at that point), that he should be careful about what the OW was trying to decide for him. I could see a very sad future for him-where he had totally screwed up his life and she would have called the shots. Yes, he would have been 'whipped.' Fortunately, he was able to get his head clear enough to take a step back and see the situation for what it really was. Your husband volunteered all of this information about the other woman to you? Are you still together with him? Are you sure he wasn't trying to make you jealous?
Snowflower Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Your husband volunteered all of this information about the other woman to you? Are you still together with him? Are you sure he wasn't trying to make you jealous? Yes, he did volunteer nearly all of this information to me. There were a few things I found out through my own investigating. But, I think he was at a complete loss at that point-it was like he knew his life was out of control. Why would he have been trying to make me jealous? He had the affair! (not trying to be difficult, I just don't understand?!)
Author confusedinkansas Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 If you're still with him - I guess I can't see him volunteering all of this information about what the other woman was up to - unless it was to make you jealous....... "Oh the other woman is making plans, Oh the other woman wants me so badly...etc, etc." That's kind of what I meant when I said - jealous. Mostly cuz I was wondering how you knew all of that info. Guess since you did some digging yourself - that would be how you knew. I guess that if he would lie about the affair (& I did the same thing...so not tossing stones) then he may lie about what she's "planning for them"....that's all
Snowflower Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 If you're still with him - I guess I can't see him volunteering all of this information about what the other woman was up to - unless it was to make you jealous....... "Oh the other woman is making plans, Oh the other woman wants me so badly...etc, etc." That's kind of what I meant when I said - jealous. Yes, we are still together. I'm not sure if he told me all that information to make me jealous; rather, it was an attempt to be honest with me. He HAD made a mess of things, not just with our marriage, but his life in general. He told me these things even before either of us had made the decision to try to reconcile. It was like he needed a friend, a confidante, to hear what was going on with him. That 'friend' happened to be me. Later I figured out it was step one of our reconciliation-he had needed to tell me everything and he did this on his own. It was an attempt (and a very good one on his part) to be honest with me. Actually, the stuff he told me didn't make me jealous for the most part-sad was more like it.
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