BCCA Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 Hello everyone, One of the biggest disconnects I seem to have is between getting a number, and making that first call. Now, to be honest, Ive grown a lot over the last 6 months, and can see a lot of the mistakes I made in the past, but that doesnt make it any easier. I think the hardest part for me is coming to terms with the fact that women can and do give out their number to guys they have no intention of talking to or going out with. For guys, this can be confusing, but overall I understand where women are coming from. Its better to avoid any unpleasant situations, even if it means ignoring a call later. With that said, here is my latest situation. I met a lovely young women Friday as we waited for the train home. We got on the same train, talked the whole way, she lived/worked very close to me, and we seemed to get along pretty well. As I was getting off the train, I was just like 'give me your number, we should hang out sometime' In hindsight, it sounded slightly creepy, and she paused for a moment before giving me the number, but as I was leaving she said it was nice meeting you, etc, which made me think that my temporary lack of 'game' didnt ruin it completely. As we talked, she told me what her weekend was like, and it seemed like she was busy, and I was actually out of town until yesterday afternoon. Normally, I dont wait any predetermined amount of time before calling, but it just so happens that the weekend was crazy for both of us, so calling wouldve been pointless. Here is where Im at now: I got the # Friday, and just want to call and see about meeting up sometime later this week. I'm just trying to figure out the best time to call, and what I should say. I know keep it short, etc, but I seem to be striking out in the calling department, and thought I would ask my fellow LS'ers what they thought. Feel free to ask any questions. Thanks!
Thaddeus Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 Best time to call is when you feel you're ready. Regardless of what some 'dating gurus' or 'rule' books say, do it when you're comfortable doing so. You're right in keeping the call short - say, 5 minutes, and when doing so reference something that came up in your original conversation. Then give her the invitation to accompany you somewhere. Try something like this: "Hi. There's this new Italian restaurant that looks interesting and I'm planning to go there on (day) to try it out. I'd like you to join me." Note that it's NOT, "Would you like to go to the restaurant with me?", it's more, "I'm doing such-and-such and I'd like you to come along." The difference is subtle but important. If she says she can't make it, have an alternative in mind. If she blows that off, then she's clearly not interested. Good luck!
frustrated&sad Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 Thaddeus' advice is good. You might also try a line like "There is a bar with a great happy hour that I've been wanting to try. If you are interested, you could join me." And it doesn't have to be a bar. It could be a coffee shop. Or an ice cream parlor. Anything. If there is something you recall from your conversation with her that might potentially get her interested in meeting you, also good. In other words, if she mentioned she loves painting, maybe go to a museum. If she loves Italy, go Italian food. If she is frequently stressed after work, suggest a nice walk. And GOOD LUCK! Even if it doesn't work out, at least you tried. You'll never have to wonder.
Author BCCA Posted August 10, 2009 Author Posted August 10, 2009 I told myself as soon as I got the number that I was going to call when I felt up to it. I wasnt going to wait X number of days, or call at any specific time, just when I was ready. You have both made excellent points, and I agree with what you said. I'm trying to be positive about it, but I suppose the best thing to do is assume the worst, and plan for it. I'm hoping this girl is all over meeting me somewhere for coffee/etc (a drink sounds a little sleazy, no?) but if shes not, life goes on. One other question: is it bad to call, say - today, and ask her to do something Friday? Should you call same day or the day before, or does it matter?
frustrated&sad Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 I personally think there is nothing wrong with making plans several days in advance. But that's just me. You run the risk of her having plans Friday if you leave it until the last minute. Alternatively, you could suggest something for Saturday afternoon. Another great idea, too. Instead of coffee, you could try a dessert shop. Or a tea shop. Both seem a little more creative than the normal coffee date. Just ideas!
Author BCCA Posted August 10, 2009 Author Posted August 10, 2009 Thats great, thanks! I really like the desert shop idea, and actually have a place in mind. I might see if she wants to join a group of friends and I to go bowling Friday night. We are all terrible, and just do it to drink and have a good time, but its good times for sure. If she cant, desert shop Saturday it is. Before I get too ahead of myself, Im anticipating getting her VM. Any suggestions on what kind of message to leave?
frustrated&sad Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 Bowling is also a great idea! Then you can all laugh about being silly. If you get her VM, keep it short and sweet. It's so east to blab on the VM. Say something like: Hi [Jane], This is [John]. We met the other day on the train. I'm going out bowling with some friends Friday night, and I thought I'd see if you would like to come. It should be fun! We are all awesomely bad [or some other slightly funny comment to show that it will be a good time and you are confident and easy going]. So, when you get this message, gimme a call. [Here, leave your number slowly]. Talk to you soon. Then hang up. Short and simple. Then the ball is in her court.
Author BCCA Posted August 10, 2009 Author Posted August 10, 2009 Thats great advice, thanks! Last question for you, and anyone else. Im of the mind that you should make ONE call, and leave it at that. I have, in the past, called twice, but it never changed anything, and I think Im going to stop doing that. Thoughts?
Thaddeus Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 I don't see a problem with two calls. We all lead busy lives so if she says that she can't make it the first time, then try once more. If the second time doesn't work out, suggest that she contact you when she's available. The ball is now in her court. She may call, she may not, but at least you're not constantly trying to set up dates that she has no intention of keeping.
Author BCCA Posted August 10, 2009 Author Posted August 10, 2009 Thaddeus, I guess I was more talking about the first call. For example, in my situation, I got her number Friday. I'll call sometime soon, and expect her VM, because she doesnt have my number and wont know who it is. If I leave a VM, and she doesnt call me back, should I leave it at that or try again? The reason I ask is because I've tried making the second call several times, and its NEVER changed anything, they still didnt call back. Here is my new plan: Im going to see what she is doing for lunch Wed/Thurs. I feel like during the week is neutral and not as much pressure as a weekend day, and lunch is far less stressful than dinner. Also, while it sounds fun, inviting her out when I'm with my friends is probably also a bad call, and not really fair to her. I think we should spend time alone during our first interaction - thoughts?
northstar1 Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 Hey BCCA Good to see you are getting out there again and dating. Good on ya! I think you have everything covered. Be relaxed, but assertive if that makes sense. Have some specific plans in mind and a date. If she can't make that date, then leave it to her to propose an alternate date. That will show her interest level. Don't start waffling and asking "Well, what about the following week?". And only call and leave a msg once. If she doesn't respond, too bad her loss.
Thaddeus Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 I guess I was more talking about the first call. For example, in my situation, I got her number Friday. I'll call sometime soon, and expect her VM, because she doesnt have my number and wont know who it is. If I leave a VM, and she doesnt call me back, should I leave it at that or try again? The reason I ask is because I've tried making the second call several times, and its NEVER changed anything, they still didnt call back.Yes, I get that. (I read somewhere that something like 70% of calls made in North America go to voicemail, so your assumption about getting her voicemail isn't unwarranted.) I'd still make a second call, even though your track record with second calls isn't the best. Just keep the second call short - "Hey, let me know about such-and-such, call me when you have a moment." - and let it go at that. Here is my new plan: Im going to see what she is doing for lunch Wed/Thurs. I feel like during the week is neutral and not as much pressure as a weekend day, and lunch is far less stressful than dinner. Also, while it sounds fun, inviting her out when I'm with my friends is probably also a bad call, and not really fair to her. I think we should spend time alone during our first interaction - thoughts?I wouldn't actually go out with other friends on a first date, the point is to let her know that you actually have a life and things to do and you'd like her to accompany you.
alphamale Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 dude the first call is the easiest...its the last call you make to her that will be the hardest.
Author BCCA Posted August 10, 2009 Author Posted August 10, 2009 dude the first call is the easiest...its the last call you make to her that will be the hardest. Well, they could be one in the same lol the point is to let her know that you actually have a life and things to do and you'd like her to accompany you. So, even if I was to invite her out saying I was with other people, the point is to spend time alone with her if she comes, correct? I didnt want to invite her out with my friends, because I probably wouldnt go if it was me lol
Thaddeus Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 So, even if I was to invite her out saying I was with other people, the point is to spend time alone with her if she comes, correct? I didnt want to invite her out with my friends, because I probably wouldnt go if it was me lolPerhaps I wasn't clear. That's my fault. First of all, she doesn't have to know that you wouldn't go out on your own. Let's say you invite her to the driving range to slam a couple of golf balls. You might suggest, "I'm going to the driving range on (day), come with me, it'll be fun!" If it's a restaurant that's in your plans, suggest to her that you were going to go anyway, even if it means going alone, but you'd like her company. Save the dates with friends for a little further down the road.
Author BCCA Posted August 10, 2009 Author Posted August 10, 2009 Perhaps I wasn't clear. That's my fault. First of all, she doesn't have to know that you wouldn't go out on your own. Let's say you invite her to the driving range to slam a couple of golf balls. You might suggest, "I'm going to the driving range on (day), come with me, it'll be fun!" If it's a restaurant that's in your plans, suggest to her that you were going to go anyway, even if it means going alone, but you'd like her company. Save the dates with friends for a little further down the road. Awesome, thats exactly what I thought you meant, but wanted to be sure. Thanks!
Author BCCA Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 Turns out all this worrying about calling was for nothing, just ran into her getting food, and asked her out for lunch tomorrow - she said yes!
Thaddeus Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Turns out all this worrying about calling was for nothing, just ran into her getting food, and asked her out for lunch tomorrow - she said yes!Perfect. Congrats, and good luck.
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