Post-break-up-ambivalence

[sophie_s]

Hello,

 

3 weeks ago I broke up with my boyfriend (who is 33, I am 26), who i have been together and lived with for 6 years . Basically our relationship was very solid, we were best friends, shared all the same interests (to a degree, that i believe is impossible to find again), respected each other, spent a lot of freetime together which was always fun, travelled together,.... He really really loved me, I was - as he said and showed - the woman of his dreams, and he started some years ago talking about having kids,.... He supported me in any possible way and did everything to make me happy. Basically we never had an serious argument in the 6 years, we also survived one year of long distance relationship easily - so one could conclude I was pretty much having a perfect relationship. The only thing that was hard on me sometimes was his slight tendency to depressive moods, which is rooted in a very hard childhood. This also led to a certain clingyness (while independency is quite important to me), I sometimes had the feeling that I was in a way the biggest stabilizing factor in his life for his emotional well-being, sometimes he also said things like - what would I do without you,...

 

BUT - two years ago I started obsessing with other men in my fantasies. I never physically betrayed him, yet more than half of the time in the last two years I was - in my mind - in love with somebody else, sometimes for months. The first time it happend to me, I was hoping it was just a temporary phase and I just waited it out without worrying too much about my relationship, but after two years, when it happend again and again and when my desired to give in to these dreams and actually really betray him (which I realized was unable to do, I seem to have some tendency to be truthful) grew, it stressed me out more and more. Weeks and months I concentrated on thinking about my relationship and finding out why this is happening, what is missing for me,.... just to never get anywhere with my thoughts. Last April I met another guy that I started to fantasize about and suddenly i had the feeling that whatever the reasons for this falling in love with other guys might be, it will not go away its not a phase, and there iss nothing I can do to emotionally commit 100% to my loving partner again soon. This totally knocked me off my feet and for the last three month I started to work a lot, since spending time with my partner felt somehow undesireable and wrong and he realized that and tried even harder to please me. I also talked to him long before the breakup about my ambivalent feelings, he even offered me to sleep with other man if i felt the need to do it, since he realizes that I was only 19 and without much experience when we met, but as stated above, I am not very good at betraying and for me it felt wrong, because I knew it would hurt him, and he only offered it to keep me by his side. Our sexual life (which i have to state was - at least for me - never our strong point in our relationship - it wasnt bad, but the intellectual connection was always much stronger) suffered deeply from my ambivalence, the more these falling in love with other guys happend, the less interested I was in having sex with him. We still had regular sex, technically it was also very good, but the sparks, the special attraction was gone for me, I started to dislike the way he tried to seduce me, the way he kissed me, the way he looked when whe slept together. I ended up picturing the other men when we slept together most of the times. Just cuddling and non-sexual body contact i still deeply enjoyed.

 

Anyways, I really wanted this relationship to work, since besides the sexual attraction and the other men everything is just perfect, I really care about him, admire him and he loves me so much.... Still this ambivalence stressed me out totally to the point I started to cry whenever we kissed or made out. This time we obviously really needed to talk what was going on and I told him how bad my ambivalence was and that I dont know what to do anymore. He got extremly upset and basically we decided that I would move out for a couple of days and then we would talk again.... Ok in this 5 days of seperation I was having the feeling that the only two options for me are to go back to the relationship and live with this emotional and sexual ambivalence or to break it off without knowing if I will ever regret it because everything else is so fine and he loves me more than any man could ever love me. And I decided to go for the break up because this ambivalence was killing me. He begged he cried he broke down he tried to convince me into a temporary break but I stayed tough at the time, although it also broke my heart to hurt him so much and to lose him. Basically the temporary break I didnt want because I thought it was unfair against him, because he loves me so much and fought so much for our love, and I didnt want to keep him waiting any longer for my love to return, when he deserves better. I probably would dislike it for him to immediatly having another girl, but in the end, he is the nicest person I ever met and if she can give him the same love he is able to give, I dont want to ruin this by giving him hope that I will regret my decision, whích I dont know if it will ever happen. He was devastated.

 

Its been three weeks since, we - as we mutually decided - dont have contact except for practical things like our appartment, I moved out of it already anyways...

 

What really puzzles me is how sad and love-sick I am even though I was the dumper. I cry a lot, I question my decision, I really miss him, I cannot sleep.... Since its my first long-term relationship break up now I wonder if this is normal, or if I shouldnt feel better. Is it a sign that it was the wrong decision? I mean probably its normal to miss him, we spend the last 6 years very close together, but the fact that I kind of broke up based on what i dont want to have (namely being in the relationship with this terrible ambivalence anymore) instead of what I want to have (breaking up and being really 100% sure of it), really doesnt make it easier now... But I guess I have to let some time pass to eventually get a clear head again.

 

Anybody else been in a similar situation or has some input on how to deal with the post-break-up-fear of having made the wrong decision?

 

Thanks a lot,

Sophie

 

ps - sorry i wrote such a long text

[Soul Bear]

6 years dont come easy.

We live in a divorce prone society these days.

If you can find a way to MAKE it work, your sorted.

 

Its not always rainbows and butterflies- Its compramise that moves us along