How do I get her back?

[RShewmake]

My wife and I married in October of '03. We are both in our 40's and this is a second marriage for us both. When we announced our wedding her family became very adamant that she not marry as she had two kids at the time a girl 11 and a boy 8. The stress that her family created was strong. about a month before the wedding our intimacy began to really decline. In January of '04 we decided to move to Tennessee for a better life and escape the high cost of living in CA. When we returned from our initial trip here we found out that her family was paying for a lawyer for her ex husband to stop us from moving the kids. This put a serious damper on any intimacy that was still there. I made the awful mistake of going online and talking to women. I initially went there to ask if it was "me" that was the problem. that maybe she just wasn't interested in me. I KNOW I was wrong, I accept that, but that is just the beginning of the story. We made the move in April of '04. Once we were here, I stopped communicating with anyone online. Things were improving and we were getting along great! 3 years later I was laid off from the company I had been working for for 7 years. It really devistated me. It took me 4 months to find a new job and once again our intimacy was dying on the vine. I was home alone alot and allowed myself to be pulled back into that dark little world. Since then I have held three different jobs, the longest lasting a year. Between each job I would spend at least 4 to 6 months without being able to find work. As time passed the intimacy between us really declined and I kept talking to women online. I know now that I became addicted to the high of having someone say that they would be interested in me. I had a secret little Yahoo email account where many women would send me photos that a married man should NOT be looking at.

When I wasn't sitting in front of the computer that world didn't exist in my mind. All during 2008 I was working and my wife and I had started to really talk about the problems we were having with intimacy. We had gone to see a doctor together and things there were beginning to improve. Although they were improving I was addicted to the little dark world I had created. During 2008 I had began to decrease the amount of time that I escaped away to my little world and was considering just deleting the account all together. In Jan. 09 I was again laid off from the job I had. That made my already low self esteem plummet and I again returned to that little fix I got from the emotional high. I started a new job at the end of June, but at the end of July my wife discovered the email account and saw all the pictures that were sent there.

I can say that we have always gotten along, never fought, and had some remarkable times together.

I know without a doubt that what I have done is wrong, please dont attack that part. I know that I was addicted to that dark little world. The day she discovered the email account she asked me to move out. that was July 25th. I immediatly came to my mothers house and deleted every email that was in there and then deleted the account. I have had no contact with anyone that was associated with that account and have not talked to other women (other than friends my wife knows of). I have been to see a counselor and will continue. My question(s) are this. I know my wife is angry, deservedly so. I am hurting like I have never hurt in my life. I have hurt my very best friend and the two step kids that I have raised as my own. I have told my wife that I love her dearly and have asked her to please forgive me. I have also gotten on my knees several times a day and asked God to forgive me of my sins and to please give me strength to get through this, help ease the pain in her heart and the kids' hearts and let it be his will that we are able to work together to get through this and put our family back together.

My wife filed for divorce on the 29th of July. We have talked about how we will divide some of our things as well. I have told her that I want her to stay in the house and that we will continue with the bills and the way we have handled our money so that she and the kids can stay. My step daughter leaves on the 27th to go to college and my step son is a sophomore in High School. She has said that she will stay in the house and we will keep the two cars as they are. They are financed in both our names as is my step daughters car.

How long will she remain as angry as she is? how can I help her to work through that anger? she says that she still loves me but is so angry that she hates me right now. I love her dearly and would do anything to get her back. PLEASE help with suggestions......

[bigsmoothness]

It sounds like you need to accept some facts. Just because you beg and plead for forgiveness doesn't mean that you deserve it. You acknowledge that you were emotionally unfaithful to your wife, but you seem to expect that it can be undone. Maybe it can't be.

 

This ball is in her court. If she has filed for divorce it seems quite likely that her mind is made up. Be an honorable man at this point. Expecting her forgiveness is completely unfair and it's a trap we often fall into. A second chance may be granted, but there's no duty upon the wronged party to do so.

 

If this has ended for good you should spend some time reflecting on how you can be a better man. You clearly see what mistakes you've made. Think about how you can avoid them in the future. When you feel like corrections have been made and you're ready, get back on the market.

 

I wish you nothing but the best.

[2sure]

You might start by stopping using the excuse, even to yourself , that your infidelity and addiction were directly related to the cycles of non intimacy in your marriage. You are basically saying that if you were getting sex you wouldnt have cheated. Which is putting the blame right back on your wife.

[jwi71]

Why don't you try asking your W what she needs from you to repair the M?

 

And maybe she can tell you what she needs to see.

 

Unfortunately, given that she wasted no time in filing for D from you...I think you're done. Sorry buts it simply how it appears to me.

 

Best wishes...

 

JW

[Gamine]

You must understand that you have addictive behavior. When you are feeling down on yourself you resort to sexual/emotional feeding from unknown (and most probably sick) women who are in trouble themselves. Before you can ever win her back, you will have to first figure out how to take ownership of yourself. That means that you cannot be falling into situation after situation blindly thinking that the layoffs, addictions, and collateral relationship damage are simply 'just happening'. You are going to have to really peel away the layers and examine the situations and do it without any vanity or need for self protection.

 

For some unknown reason you sabotage everything in your life. When your relationship is going well, you are not online and you are working... you seem to quickly get into situations (that you explain are from purely outside sources/control) that destroy everything.

 

Examine every single work situation. Why are you always laid off? Why aren't you the one they hang onto? What can you do about that?

 

You can look at this and explain it as ... when you lose your job you have low self esteem... then start reaching. Or you can look at this and say that you continuously set yourself up for destruction... and the online stuff is simply only a component of that destruction.

 

Now, instead of simply just causing discord with your wife you have succeeded in destroying your marriage. A sabateur (an actual condition) will do everything necessary to destroy everything in their path because in the deepest recesses of their heart and mind do not believe they deserve what they have. So they destroy.... and rebuild... then destroy... and then rebuild... until you lose everything... and then wind up where you are now.

 

Figure out why you don't believe you deserve anything. What on earth happened when you were so young that distorted your self view? Think about it. Look to other relatives. It could even be that family members always had problems. Always 'lost it all' or always struggled. There is an answer for you there somewhere.

 

And when you become someone worth knowing she may want to know you again. But you have to do the work and doing this work will be difficult... because this time you will be doing hard work on yourself... not just the external things.