Wondering if I did good or bad from my failure to launch a relationship with ex...

[AloneinTexas]

History/info:

 

Dated a girl for 6 months, ended 6 months ago. It was a mutual breakup; caused from her feeling constantly I never cared or showed enough emotion, especially in my voice. Her mom is divorced 4 times. My ex who is 28 has had one long term to the next. She is very bland and a homebody, and obsessed with dogs (she has 5.) and has no desire to travel.

 

Coming into contact again:

 

2 months ago, I reinintiated contact with ex over email. We emailed once a week, then upped the ante to becoming FB friends again, then upped the ante again to me initiating texting again 1 month ago. She showed me lots of attention and we had a lot of playful texts. In one of her emails, she suggested I become a "fling" to her. In my mind, I thought she was looking to be a FMB from me. We scheduled ourselves a "date" 3 weeks ago. Met at a hotel, made love, then went to a waterpark the next day. We acted like bf/gf again, though I was slightly more distant in terms of touchy feely in public because I wasn't sure how comfortable she was.

 

Following our time that weekend, she had been less and less excitable and generally more distant. At one point 2 weeks ago, I asked her if she would ever consider NOT dating me again, because if her answer was Yes, then I could move on (I ultimately got my emotions involved again and was ready to "try" dating her exclusively, and agreeing to iron out some problems we had.) She said "haha, no, im not saying that..." (Meaning I was still a possible candidate.)

 

Her distant behavior continued to drive me bonkers. I kept wondering, what has changed from 2 weeks ago where she was all about me, to now where the tables are reversed? Originally, I thought maybe it was her lack of feeling for me (I never thought it could be another guy in the picture...) She did tell me she was talking to a couple guys and said she wouldn't mind if I dated others too. In my mind, this was all wrong! Another week went by and I finally made my intentions known. I asked her out officially. She denied me and told me various reasons why, we are too different, she thinks Im too sporatic for her, and she thinks I would find a life with her boring, and she would find a life with me too tiring. She also said she doesn't picture a future with me in her head anymore, but continued to say we could be friends.

 

I responded to her email with one 10x its length, dissecting every detail, and also telling her a bit of my mind, since it didn't matter anymore; she doesn't see me a dateable material (secretly hoping she would counter my "non dateable" statement.) She read it, and texted me saying it made her cry, and told me I could have the last word, and mentioned all she wanted was me last year (I had massive insecurities about a 6 year ex of hers whom she always contacted, which I told her was partly why I couldnt give all of myself to her; a lack of trust. She had snuck off to dinner with him once too.)

 

3 days go by...I ask her if she thought about my email anymore. I wrote her a heartfelt email asking her out AGAIN and telling her I wanted to be the man she did picture a future with, and wanting to be the man who shows her the love she is looking for. She read it and said she needed time to "absorb" it. She called me the next day, we talked for an hour. She said it was the best convo we ever had, she could tell I cared for what she had to say. (we didnt talk of anything "serious" though.)

 

Hour later, I see her commenting on a guys wall on FB, and heavily flirting, and giving a "thumbs up." My stomach turned to knots. I called her and told her I was out. I couldn't stand to see what was going on. I told her its obvious my heart is in a different place than hers. I told her I was going no contact and deleting her as a friend. I told her I was sick of waiting in the wings, while she figures out who she likes better, and all that jazz.

 

My questions/concerns:

 

1. I read a couple of threads where advice was given to play it cool and never cave in to the level I did (with being truthful right away) because it kills the attraction. Should have I taken that route? My emotions would have been killing me the entire time though...

2. did I do right by standing up for my needs and telling her I want all of her, not just part?

3. I wonder if she will contact me ever again.

[Ronni_W]

It sounds as if she has been clear, in a number of different ways, that she does not want to be in an exclusive romantic relationship with you.

 

If you're still interested in that, your best bet would be to go 'no contact' and stay 'no contact' until you are 100% over her. If she does contact you, then let her know that you're starting your "moving on" journey and ask her to please not get in touch again. Better still, delete all forms of contacting her and block all ways she has of contacting you.

[Taucher]

History/info:

 

Dated a girl for 6 months, ended 6 months ago. It was a mutual breakup; caused from her feeling constantly I never cared or showed enough emotion, especially in my voice. Her mom is divorced 4 times. My ex who is 28 has had one long term to the next. She is very bland and a homebody, and obsessed with dogs (she has 5.) and has no desire to travel.

 

 

AloneInTexas, this paragraph I have highlighted above seems significant to me. Do you really want to be with her? Do YOU think that she may have a point when she says that you didn't show that you cared? If you DO want her back, then it sounds like she has to regain a bit of trust in you. You say that you were insecure, so this is probably having an affect.

 

Based on all this, I would say being aloof would probably be a good thing right now. Let her flirt with other men. She is not hiding it from you, which means that she either doesn't care about you anymore, or she wants you to see so she can get a reaction. This is the time to fight your insecurities. If you do that, you will be fine whether you get back together with her or not.

 

T

[AloneinTexas]

Fight my insecurities? I told her I was deleting her as a FB friend, because I wasn't going to sit there as dialogues were exchanged back and forth between the guy she's interested in. Not my cup of tea. She got the reaction out of me.

 

I guess at this point, I am continuing NC until further notice (which would only be on her part.) I may contact her 5 months from now just to see whats up, I dunno.

[Taucher]

Fight my insecurities? I told her I was deleting her as a FB friend, because I wasn't going to sit there as dialogues were exchanged back and forth between the guy she's interested in. Not my cup of tea. She got the reaction out of me.

 

I guess at this point, I am continuing NC until further notice (which would only be on her part.) I may contact her 5 months from now just to see whats up, I dunno.

 

Deleting her as a friend on FB is a GOOD reaction. Totally the best thing, and not an insecure thing to do either. I did the same to my ex, and deleted everyone I know through her, so I couldnt be surprised by any pictures. It made her mad, which surprised me.

 

It is very possible that she will contact you within 5 months. It might not be for reconciliation though. And in 5 months, with NC, you will probably care a whole lot less.

 

T

[AloneinTexas]

Day 10 NC.

 

Still feeling kinda awful. Not sure if its just the fact I was rejected because i wanted to "prove" to her how well we could work or what.

 

A mutual friend of ours told me she appears to be still talking to the "new" guy.

 

Do I wait a month and shoot her a text saying "hey?"

[Ronni_W]

Do I wait a month and shoot her a text saying "hey?"

You're on Day 10 -- well done! No need to worry about Day 30 just yet.

I'd suggest maybe wait until you get to Day 29, and then post again...BEFORE you shoot her any texts

 

Good luck...you're doing great...stay with it!

[soccercraze13917]

maybe u shouldnt wait that long to talk with her again, become friends with her!!! dont try anything to risky like sending a heart or anything just a simple hello and a whats up will do fine, and if she asks you about u asking her out again then just tell her the truth. you never know, in the future she might think of you more than just a friend!

[AloneinTexas]

wow, your the 1st person to SUGGEST getting ahold of her. Any specific reason? I was pretty sure NC was the way to go!

[AloneinTexas]

If i go back and read old emails, I wasnt even all that happy when I was with her. Do I love her? Yes. Do I personally like her personality as it sits?Not especially.

 

These are my 2 problems:

 

1. I see people in an idealistic sense, in that, what they CAN be or what I envision in my head. To me, this girl can be so perfect for me and I for her if we were to work out a couple bugs. But she sees me as I am and is thus more realistic or cynical. The truth of the matter is probably somewhere in the middle.

 

2. I derive a lot of my self confidence from the chick(s) that are into me at any given time. Usually when I have a gf, I am on top of the world as far as confidence. When I am without, I feel as though I am aimlessly drifting. Not only that, but the fact she rejected me without wanting to try took a hit for me.

 

I would say a certain portion of myself wants to work it out with her just because to prove her wrong. But after that, even if I were to show her the love she is looking for (after I can trust her), then I feel as though she would be a more vibrant person to be around. Again, this is my being a daydreamer. i think a lot of me is hanging onto the fact we were very sexually compatible.

 

What is my problem?

[AloneinTexas]

I understand where everyone is coming from, with telling me to stop basing a great deal of my self confidence on whether I have a girl interested in me or not. Frankly, I wish I were different. I am one of those people that has graduated from college and have no idea how to go about living a balanced life. I feel like everyone knows their next move,,,Today I have to work then go to yoga then babysit my neighbors kids then tomorrow I have to mow the lawn, play church softball, at 4pm I have to run an errand, at 7pm I play poker. You get the idea. This is my day....Internet, work, internet, bed.

 

I am sort of sick of myself. I wish and want to just talk to any girl like I dont give a hoot what they think of me. I wanna have that self confidence that I feel like I am going places in life.

 

Yes I probably do not even value this girls' personality a great deal. Frankly, she bored me, and will continue to. She is very one-dimensional. This is what bothers me though...there is someone else out there that she finds hella greater interest in. I suppose, as a guy, being competitve by nature, I tend to feel inadequate. I feel like the new guy posseses some trait that I do not. I want to conquer this girls heart again. I want to feel like I was the best guy she ever dated.

 

Does any of this make sense or am I another wacko?

[Broseph]

Nah mate your not a wacko, your a legend. Sounds to me like you really talked yourself through this. I think I can relate a bit here although I was with my girl 4 years but it still doesn't matter she got cold and distant and strung my feelings out. Any update on your situation?