Thesedays84 Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 It's been 5 weeks now and I'm at a loss. I don't know where else to turn and nothing seems to help. I need advice from someone that has been in a similiar situation. It gets long but please bear with me, I need help! I don't know where to start. I had been dating the love of my life for a year and a half when he changed his mind about having more kids. I am 25 and he is 39. He has been married twice and has two kids (one is 20 and the other is 15). He got married very young and has been divorced for about 13 years. When I first met him I never imagined that I would get involved with someone that had so much "baggage." Not to mention neither of us were looking for a relationship when we met. We also lived 1000 miles apart and he traveled all the time for work. One would think we were set up for failure from the start. What we didn't plan on was the unbelievable connection we had. It sounds cliche but it was a force that couldn't be stopped. Before we decided to "give it a go" I made sure that if it got serious enough, he would be willing to get married and have another child. Although I'm not totally sold on the idea of having kids I've always known I would like the opportunity to be a mommy. For a year and a half things were perfect. Despite the long distance we made huge efforts to spend time together. I had never been happier in my whole life. I knew this was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. We talked about buying a house together after I finished grad school and getting married. For the first time in my life this didn't freak me out. Everyone that knew us always commented on what a great couple we made. It was very obvious we were in love. Then, about 5 weeks ago he tells me that he had been thinking a lot about our future and realized he was only agreeing to have more kids because it's what I wanted. In his heart he knew it was not what he wanted. Needless to say I was devestated. We decided to give it time, hoping it would work out. I never tried to change his mind, I was hoping I could change mine. After about 2 months of limbo we both decided we had to let go. I couldn't give up the opportunity to have kids and he felt I deserve someone that could give me everything I want. I don't blame him one bit for changing his mind. In fact I appreciate his honesty. Even though I don't have kids I understand what a big deal it is and it wouldn't be right to bring a child into this world where both parents were not in it 100%. Don't get me wrong, I know he would love and care for the child, but that still doesn't make it right. So that brings me to the present. I don't feel confident about the decision to give up on our love. One half of my heart loves him more than anything in this world and I know I could be happy with him for the rest of my life. But, the other half of my heart feels the desire to have children someday. What do I do? I feel like it's a lose-lose situation. Do you give up the one you love for something that isn't even for certain? I have been miserable without him and I'm afraid that I will never allow myself to love someone again. He doesn't want me to give up the opportunity to have kids. But, on the other hand, he only wants me to be happy and if I can be happy with him then he says the decision is mine. Please give me some advice. Do I let amazing love pass me by with the hope that I will find it again? I know it's hard for an outsider to understand, but what we had is rare and I'm afraid my heart will always belong to him. Sorry this got so long and winded.....
Hkizzle Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 Hmm, sounds like my aunt. See she married the guy of her dreams, but the guy had 2 kids from a previous marriage. My aunt was a model and therefore having kids wasn't important in her 20's or even early 30's. Btw the time she wanted to have kids it was too late, because the guy told her for years he didn't want more kids. He was a top executive and I guess since he already had kids, wanted to focus on his career. She's now seperated with the guy, don't know why they're not divorced, and has another boyfriend. Love and connections feel great at the beginning, but things usually change over time. However if you want kids and miss the opportunity and then your love fades, well then you lose everything.
boogieboy Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 Stay with him, be happy. Kids are over-rated. But really, youre 25, you'll find someone else. You got years to find another soulmate.
Citizen Drawn Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 The question is do YOU want to give up this relationship to have kids? Either way I don't think your decision should be based on fear. Decide what you want then go for it. There are no guarantees in life. You may or may not find a better relationship, this one may or may not work out, it all comes down to what is most important to you.
D-Lish Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 I gave up having kids for true love and happiness! My ex husband didn't want children, and I loved him, so I gave up the idea. He had an affair and knocked someone up. I left him and he now has 3 kids. I'm in my 30's now and it's pretty late in the game to have kids now. Think about what is most important to you and choose wisely. Always remember that nothing is written in stone.
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 Hrm. I'd be torn on this one, as well. I would love to have at least one kid with my future love. I'm 29, btw. I'm almost to the point where I think it's going to be either one or the other - I'm going to find a man that has everything I've been looking for, or I'm going to be alone and one day before I hit the dead-end on having kids, I'll get AI or adopt. I've had that amazing love you're speaking of. My XH. From 22-28. Yes, we definitely had our problems, but I haven't ever connected with another human being like I did with him. He knows more about me than anyone on the planet (this includes family and friends). If things had been going well in our relationship and I felt he was truly committed to me, and he was the one that kept us from having kids rather than nature, I think I would have come to terms with it. See, we weren't able to get pregnant and I don't know why. I eventually came to terms with the fact that we wouldn't be ABLE to have any, but I was okay because the connection was so intense. You have to decide what works for you. I left for many reason, but inability to have kids wasn't one of them. I don't think that would have been a dealbreaker for me. But everybody sets their own dealbreakers. Listen to your heart to decide what would make you most happy. Look into your future. If you see you with him and completely happy without kids, then go for it. But just for one moment - imagine that you COULD have that connection with somebody new and they DO want to have kids with you - would you rather have that? Follow your heart on this one. You don't want to stay with him because you were afraid of never finding "that" again and end up resenting him years on down the road because he didn't want kids. That's not fair to either one of you.
dreamergrl Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 This is why I don't thing relationships with huge age gaps like that work well. The two of you are at very different points in your lives. You're only 25, you have so many years to find that perfect happiness, which honestly you really haven't because part of you wants to have kids, and he doesn't.....
Trialbyfire Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 No one can help you with this decision. It's so incredibly personal, where there are probably so many conflicting emotions running through you, that you're not certain what's up or down and what's really a priority. I think that you have to factor your age, into the equation. You've got plenty of childbearing years, where a year or two in a childless relationship won't matter, will it?
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 It sounds like he is avoiding anything that might lead to a divorce and child support. I don't blame him given his past history. This is the crossroads for you two. He has as much of a right to not want kids as you have a right to want them. In cases like this, especially when he is at a very different point in his life than you are - the best thing might be to cut your losses and find someone who is on the same road you are instead of an opposite one.
Thornton Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 My bf is older than me; he has kids already and I don't. One of the first things I asked him when we got together was if he wanted more kids, otherwise I'd just be wasting my time. At present he says he does want kids with me, but if he changed his mind I'd leave him in a heartbeat. Having kids is more important to me than any relationship - a relationship can break up but your kids will always be there for you. Plus, if he didn't want kids with me I'd be thinking: How come his ex was good enough to have kids with but I'm not? At 25 your biological clock hasn't really started ticking yet, but believe me: when you get to 30 your biological clock will be ticking very loudly and you'll probably feel incredibly resentful towards this guy for preventing you from having children, a privilege which he himself has already enjoyed. It sounds to me like you two are simply at different stages in life and what you want just isn't compatible; your best bet is to move on and fall in love with someone else who does want kids.
WineCountry Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 No one can help you with this decision. It's so incredibly personal, where there are probably so many conflicting emotions running through you, that you're not certain what's up or down and what's really a priority. I think that you have to factor your age, into the equation. You've got plenty of childbearing years, where a year or two in a childless relationship won't matter, will it? But if that year or two is spent with a man who just does NOT want kids, what has she really gained in the end? Now, a year or 2 later, she has to start all over looking for love. As we all know, that just doesnt happen over night all the time! So, she will have wasted another year or two on a relationship that will never really fulfill her, instead of letting go and spending that time looking for a man she connects with who has the same wants in life. Just sayin'.
Trialbyfire Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 But if that year or two is spent with a man who just does NOT want kids, what has she really gained in the end? Now, a year or 2 later, she has to start all over looking for love. As we all know, that just doesnt happen over night all the time! So, she will have wasted another year or two on a relationship that will never really fulfill her, instead of letting go and spending that time looking for a man she connects with who has the same wants in life. Just sayin'.I would agree with you normally but she's not even certain she wants to have kids, just wants to keep the option open, just in case. So do you recommend she throw away this relationship, for a possibility of something she might or might not want? I think a year or two will give her a better understanding of her own goals in life and why not spend it with someone you already love? For that matter, where's the gain or loss in a happy relationship? Whether it lasts forever or not, I would hope that people get some kind of take-away, from every one of their relationships.
Author Thesedays84 Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 Thank you to everyone that has replied to my situation. It helps me to organize my own thoughts just by hearing what other people have to say. I love him more than anything, but right now I know I need to concentrate on being happy. Easier said than done, believe me I know. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude about things. Thanks again for the support!
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