Inflikted Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 I'm a 20 year old guy, almost 21, and I'm a bit sad to say, I've never even so much as flirted with a girl, let alone been in a relationship. Before you get into the same old cliches of how you have to like yourself, or you don't "need" to find some one to have happiness, etc. etc., let me just say, I already understand all that. I'm not necessarily unhappy with myself. I'm not saying I "need" some one to be happy. But I just really want to experience that kind of companionship, something that's deeper than a friendship. It's even harder to see it come so easy to nearly everyone else around me; and again, don't misunderstand, that's not a "They have relationships, so I want one, too!" thing. I just don't understand why it seems so much harder for me than most people. Here's the bizarre thing, though; sure, I could list tons of reasons why I could understand why girls wouldn't want to date me. But the most bizarre thing is, I can't find any girl that I feel interested in enough to want to pursue. Sure, I see cute girls, or nice girls, etc., but I never feel that "connection". I'll admit, I don't like to socialize any more than I have to (I'm fairly introverted), but even still, I have plenty of chances to meet with people, what with being in college and having a part time job in retail. Yet in my almost 21 years of living, I've only met one girl that I've ever really felt that connection with. Pathetic as it sounds, I still think about that girl every now and then, and we even write each other on one of those social networking sites from time to time. I don't get what's wrong with me, though. What is it that's blocking out my brain from finding that connection? I just don't know how much longer I can stay optimistic. I know a number of people that are barely older than me that have already found a very nice, loving relationship, and are engaged. I mean, I don't expect to get that far in a short amount of time, but it'd be nice to at least be getting my feet in the water, so to speak. Heck, most people start dating in high school, and here I am in my early twenties, never having come close to a relationship, and not looking like it'll be happening for me any time in the near future.
MSUE Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 maybe the fact that you still have feelings for that one girl;)
You'reasian Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 Relationships come and go, especially the younger you are. Maybe you are looking for something deeper and more meaningful? At your age, dating is the best option. Way too young to get serious.
Author Inflikted Posted August 10, 2009 Author Posted August 10, 2009 maybe the fact that you still have feelings for that one girl;) Maybe, but it'll never work out with her. Situation is just too complicated, and she's more likely to meet some one else before it becomes less complicated. Relationships come and go, especially the younger you are. Maybe you are looking for something deeper and more meaningful? At your age, dating is the best option. Way too young to get serious. Heh, not really sure I follow. I'd definitely agree that I'd like to find something deeper and more meaningful, but how can I "date" when I can't find girls I'm interested in?
Green Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 Dude you're 20 years old and some times cliches become cliches because they are right. I didn't start dating untill I was 22... was a complete virgin till then. I didn't fall in love until I was 24... So don't set up a time table. This stuff doesn't come easy to people like you think. You are feeling sorry for yourself you need to stop denying. Look if you want to pay me to come be your hitch (not that I've ever done that) I will but if you can follow this free advice I'm about to give you then you'll be golden. Women are people just like men accept... unlike men they will cause you to get really horny (if your straight). I am straight but just like you I never quite felt attracted to girls when I was 20... I mean sure just like you I had a crush on some single girl who I would never date and yes I must admit I wacked off to porn or what ever... but for the most part I in my mind had no motovation to get girls and made up excuses in my mind not to ask girls out plus I was afraid of rejection and getting a rep around town, at school and at work as being some sleazy guy... well eventualy nature took over plus I was really curiouse so I manned up and risked looking like a perve and asked a girl out... I wasn't even that into her... But then bam I really started getting into her and I was nervouse so I drank on our date and we kissed and that broke the physical barrier ... eventualy I saw her naked and wow seeing a women naked in person ready to have sex is something I will never forget... In that moment she looked perfect, and I had sex... and even though the sex kinda sucked (my fault) I was hooked... like a vampire I had been turned... sex stil felt kinda dirty though... now I'm with a girl I love... sex for me is greater then ever and no longer feels dirty... plus i do it with out a condom... So the advice is stop worying and your problem is gone... and if you want a girl then go do the cliche stuff like flirting with them,, and asking them out and trying to kiss them and stuff... Come back with storys of how you tried and were rejected... because till then ur just like I was, not into any girls but some how expecting one to come up and do all the work... and sure that might happen but don't hold ur breath... I was sad like you but hopefuly unlike me you'll save urself the sorrow and either go out there and get a girl or live with the knowledge that your hornyness will grow like a man in prison and u'll do things and get courage that surprise you.
tblucky Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 Dude you're 20 years old and some times cliches become cliches because they are right. I didn't start dating untill I was 22... was a complete virgin till then. I didn't fall in love until I was 24... So don't set up a time table. This stuff doesn't come easy to people like you think. You are feeling sorry for yourself you need to stop denying. Look if you want to pay me to come be your hitch (not that I've ever done that) I will but if you can follow this free advice I'm about to give you then you'll be golden. Women are people just like men accept... unlike men they will cause you to get really horny (if your straight). I am straight but just like you I never quite felt attracted to girls when I was 20... I mean sure just like you I had a crush on some single girl who I would never date and yes I must admit I wacked off to porn or what ever... but for the most part I in my mind had no motovation to get girls and made up excuses in my mind not to ask girls out plus I was afraid of rejection and getting a rep around town, at school and at work as being some sleazy guy... well eventualy nature took over plus I was really curiouse so I manned up and risked looking like a perve and asked a girl out... I wasn't even that into her... But then bam I really started getting into her and I was nervouse so I drank on our date and we kissed and that broke the physical barrier ... eventualy I saw her naked and wow seeing a women naked in person ready to have sex is something I will never forget... In that moment she looked perfect, and I had sex... and even though the sex kinda sucked (my fault) I was hooked... like a vampire I had been turned... sex stil felt kinda dirty though... now I'm with a girl I love... sex for me is greater then ever and no longer feels dirty... plus i do it with out a condom... So the advice is stop worying and your problem is gone... and if you want a girl then go do the cliche stuff like flirting with them,, and asking them out and trying to kiss them and stuff... Come back with storys of how you tried and were rejected... because till then ur just like I was, not into any girls but some how expecting one to come up and do all the work... and sure that might happen but don't hold ur breath... I was sad like you but hopefuly unlike me you'll save urself the sorrow and either go out there and get a girl or live with the knowledge that your hornyness will grow like a man in prison and u'll do things and get courage that surprise you. This is a heartwarming little story lol .
Author Inflikted Posted August 10, 2009 Author Posted August 10, 2009 Dude you're 20 years old and some times cliches become cliches because they are right. I didn't start dating untill I was 22... was a complete virgin till then. I didn't fall in love until I was 24... So don't set up a time table. This stuff doesn't come easy to people like you think. You are feeling sorry for yourself you need to stop denying. Look if you want to pay me to come be your hitch (not that I've ever done that) I will but if you can follow this free advice I'm about to give you then you'll be golden. Women are people just like men accept... unlike men they will cause you to get really horny (if your straight). I am straight but just like you I never quite felt attracted to girls when I was 20... I mean sure just like you I had a crush on some single girl who I would never date and yes I must admit I wacked off to porn or what ever... but for the most part I in my mind had no motovation to get girls and made up excuses in my mind not to ask girls out plus I was afraid of rejection and getting a rep around town, at school and at work as being some sleazy guy... well eventualy nature took over plus I was really curiouse so I manned up and risked looking like a perve and asked a girl out... I wasn't even that into her... But then bam I really started getting into her and I was nervouse so I drank on our date and we kissed and that broke the physical barrier ... eventualy I saw her naked and wow seeing a women naked in person ready to have sex is something I will never forget... In that moment she looked perfect, and I had sex... and even though the sex kinda sucked (my fault) I was hooked... like a vampire I had been turned... sex stil felt kinda dirty though... now I'm with a girl I love... sex for me is greater then ever and no longer feels dirty... plus i do it with out a condom... So the advice is stop worying and your problem is gone... and if you want a girl then go do the cliche stuff like flirting with them,, and asking them out and trying to kiss them and stuff... Come back with storys of how you tried and were rejected... because till then ur just like I was, not into any girls but some how expecting one to come up and do all the work... and sure that might happen but don't hold ur breath... I was sad like you but hopefuly unlike me you'll save urself the sorrow and either go out there and get a girl or live with the knowledge that your hornyness will grow like a man in prison and u'll do things and get courage that surprise you. Hah, um, wow, didn't expect this topic to go the sexual route. I'll admit, like everyone else, I'm very curious at the idea of exploring sex with another person, but to be quite honest, that's not at the forefront of my mind (heck, I'd even say I've almost repressed a lot of that stuff). I'm much more interested in finding some one I feel a connection with. The sex can come after, for all I care. Again, though, the problem lies in my inability to find a girl I feel connected with, and thus, I can't even get that far.
Green Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 I know you didn’t expect the topic to go down the sexual route but that is precisely why you find yourself here questioning the things you ask us. Your sexual urges will become unrepressed on there own most likely over the next two years, but that is your answer for why you are the way you are with women and relationships. You said that you never so much as flirted with a girl. On Wikipedia flirting is called an expression of sexuality a common form of social interaction whereby one person obliquely indicates a romantic or sexual interest towards another. So if you want to experience this kind of companionship you know something deeper than friendship, it has to come from with in you which does involve a sexual/romantic interest in another person. Its harder for you than other people because you’re afraid of getting hurt so you never put yourself out there to be rejected. Its not bizarre that you can’t find any girl that you feel interested in because your not even thinking about sex. I’m not saying you have to want to have sex before marriage or that sex even has to be an agenda… just saying that maybe at this point in your life like I was at your age… you are not ready yet. Because trust me you will have to peruse the girl. Heck even if she comes up to you, says she likes you and throws her number at you… well you’ll still have to peruse her at some point. Nothings wrong with you, it’s just not your time obviously.
xosweetgrli08xo Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 I think that if you go looking for it, then you won't find it. And if you do find it, you'll be forcing it to work. Most of the time, people who go looking for that special someone often end up disappointed because they already have an idea of what they want thay someone to be like. Just let things happen, if it's meant to be then it will happen; if not, then there are PLENTY of fish in the sea.
Author Inflikted Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 I think that if you go looking for it, then you won't find it. And if you do find it, you'll be forcing it to work. Most of the time, people who go looking for that special someone often end up disappointed because they already have an idea of what they want thay someone to be like. Just let things happen, if it's meant to be then it will happen; if not, then there are PLENTY of fish in the sea. Well, I don't think I've been "going out looking for it", really. If I had been, I'd probably have at least had a few dates, but they all probably would've went poorly. I think I have just been "letting things happen", but I can't help but be a bit frustrated that after all this time, I still have nothing to show for it, and that that doesn't look to be changing any time soon. Heck, I have a niece who's about to hit her teen years, and it hit me the other day that she'll probably start dating (probably even lose her virginity) before I do, and that's a horribly depressing thought to have.
scoochamenz Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I would like to respond, but want to take my time thinking of what to say, so I will get back in a bit. In the meantime, can all the men in the world PLEASE begin to refer to women as WOMEN instead of GIRLS. Girls are 15 and younger, women are fully grown - please give us that respect. Men referring to women as "girls" is my biggest pet peeve in life and a major reason I would not date a man who does that.
boogieboy Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 You have to stick your neck out there and up your numbers to meet someone that you THINK you will be interested in. A few dates aint gonna cut it. Its all about numbers. Meet more gals, go on more dates, and you will run into her. I dont know if anything is keeping you from being bored with these girls, maybe its something youre not admitting. Sitting around isnt going to help you find her. Shes not going to drop in your lap. You gotta do work.
mac10688 Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Green hit the nail on the head imo. I'm like you inflikted except I've actually had sex a few times just for fun. I'm shy when it comes to women because I've always felt I never had anything to offer. I knew girls would flirt with me but I was too insecure to flirt back. I've either been too busy with work or school, at least that's what I told myself. When I started college I got too addicted to mmorpgs because I just wasn't interested in the social scene and I didn't really care for finding a woman. After a while though that gets old. I'm not that mad at myself because I got my fill of all the childish stuff. Now I've thrown away the games and hit the gym instead. I stopped staying at home and started calling friends whenever I'm not working or at school. I can't give you a big success story because I've just started trying to get out and meeting new people. p.s. Great post green.
Mary3 Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 One thing is for sure . You are introverted. You cant change the dynamics of who you are. Thats like forcing an outgoing extraverted person to keep quiet and act shy. Not going to happen. Is it possible you are not attracted to women at ALL ? Could you be attracted to men ? Did you ever have any adolescent experiences and maybe right now you are confused and feel nothing for women in general ?
Author Inflikted Posted August 12, 2009 Author Posted August 12, 2009 One thing is for sure . You are introverted. You cant change the dynamics of who you are. Thats like forcing an outgoing extraverted person to keep quiet and act shy. Not going to happen. Is it possible you are not attracted to women at ALL ? Could you be attracted to men ? Did you ever have any adolescent experiences and maybe right now you are confused and feel nothing for women in general ? Heh, I kinda wondered if some one would bring this idea up. To be honest, I kinda wondered this about myself, especially after re-reading my main post. But, no, I'm not attracted to men at all. Hell, I don't even like making friends with most other guys (which mostly stems from horrible experiences I had with 99% of other guys in high school). Generally speaking, I'm much more comfortable about opening up when I'm around girls. So, on a basic "sexual" level, I am attracted to women in general, rather than men. In the meantime, can all the men in the world PLEASE begin to refer to women as WOMEN instead of GIRLS. Girls are 15 and younger, women are fully grown - please give us that respect. Men referring to women as "girls" is my biggest pet peeve in life and a major reason I would not date a man who does that. Haha, well, I mean no disrespect to women, or girls, or whatever they prefer to be called. To be honest, I'd spin it the other way around; I think of "men" and "women" as people in their later 20s and up, simply because by that time, most people have matured a bit more. Right now, a lot of the "women" I meet that are my age still feel a bit... well, I don't necessarily want to say "immature", but basically, they just don't seem like "women" yet, by my definition.
Saxis Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I think of "men" and "women" as people in their later 20s and up, simply because by that time, most people have matured a bit more. Right now, a lot of the "women" I meet that are my age still feel a bit... well, I don't necessarily want to say "immature", but basically, they just don't seem like "women" yet, by my definition. Based on this assertion, I think you should possibly focus your attention on older women. Sounds like their maturity level would suit you better. Probably why you're not having any luck at college. The immaturity at that stage really turns me off also. Look for nice, unattached, attractive women in their late 20s and up to 40 even. You just might be pleasantly surprised!
Author Inflikted Posted August 12, 2009 Author Posted August 12, 2009 Based on this assertion, I think you should possibly focus your attention on older women. Sounds like their maturity level would suit you better. Probably why you're not having any luck at college. The immaturity at that stage really turns me off also. Look for nice, unattached, attractive women in their late 20s and up to 40 even. You just might be pleasantly surprised! An interesting idea, but that kind of age difference intimidates me. Plus, I really don't look my age. A lot of people mistake me for being in my early teens. One has even mistaken me for under the age of 12. T_T Sad thing is, it's just my natural look, and there's not much I can do to help it. So, that also hurts the "dating older women" idea, in my eyes, because I just can't picture it.
Mary3 Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 An interesting idea, but that kind of age difference intimidates me. Plus, I really don't look my age. A lot of people mistake me for being in my early teens. One has even mistaken me for under the age of 12. T_T Sad thing is, it's just my natural look, and there's not much I can do to help it. So, that also hurts the "dating older women" idea, in my eyes, because I just can't picture it. How tall are you and how much do you weigh ?
Chubbi Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Okay- here we go again. Look I'm a girl and I'm in your same shoes (I'm 20 tomorrow), but you've actually went out on a date. I haven't even been on a date. Have you held hands with the opposite sex? lol Me neither. You're not pathetic. There are a ton of people in our shoes. I don't have any advice for you except if you are going on dates, then you're doing better than me. Keep your chin up. Another way to make you happy is to surround yourself with friends like you. All of my friends are the same as me- never have a boyfriend/never been kissed- so it doesn't feel wierd at all and you feel less alone and less rushed to do something. I too want to be connected with someone and date somebody, but I actually did find a connection. Here's my rejection story- want to hear it? I asked the guy out who I was/am crazy feel-good for and he rejected me. I asked him out to spring waltz at our college flat to his face and he said he was really flattered but he already had a date. Well, I was embarrassed. It didn't help that I could barely get the question out LOL or was completly nervous and blushing etc etc but I asked him. I'm at least proud of that, then if nothing comes about I keep trucking. So, you're not alone or wierd, okay?
Author Inflikted Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 How tall are you and how much do you weigh ? I'm about 5'2", 5'3", and I know that's a huge problem. As for weight, I'm just under the technical "overweight" line, so technically, I'm at a normal weight. I'm a bit out-of-shape, so I kinda have a belly, and look a little flabby, but to be honest, I'm not that unhappy with it that I feel motivated enough to work out and get in better shape. Aside from my height, I think the biggest thing with the "not looking my age" thing is my face. I just have this natural boyish look, unfortunately. Not really much I can do about any of that. Look I'm a girl and I'm in your same shoes (I'm 20 tomorrow), but you've actually went out on a date. I haven't even been on a date. Have you held hands with the opposite sex? lol Me neither. I've never been on a date, lol. Dunno where you got that from, heh heh. Keep your chin up. Another way to make you happy is to surround yourself with friends like you. All of my friends are the same as me- never have a boyfriend/never been kissed- so it doesn't feel wierd at all and you feel less alone and less rushed to do something. I suppose that makes sense, but that'd take a heckuva lot of effort for me to find new friends, especially ones that are as "inexperienced" as I am in that regard. Heck, even in high school, I remember a lot of the "geeky" guys were even getting girls. @_@ It's not so much that the friends I have now "rub it in my face", it's just, I can't help but pick up on those little things, like overhearing them casually talk about their relationships, or even just briefly mentioning their significant other. So, you're not alone or wierd, okay? Well, the reason this whole thing bugs me is the fact that I can't seem to feel an attraction to, well, pretty much any girl I meet. After that one girl (who, yes, I'll admit, I still feel something for, despite the likely hopelessness to the situation), I just haven't felt "it" ever again. I never doubted that there are other people out there that can't get a date, but most of them are better off than I am in that at least they often have people they want to pursue, they just end up getting rejected. I can't even make it THAT far, because I never find a girl I want to pursue.
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