separated and scared

[roysaweriii]

Hi,

 

My wife and I just separated recently, about 5 days ago it was decided and a ticket was bought for me to fly back to NH. The two days before the flight my Wife spent with me doing normal things like watching movies, going out to eat, going for a walk etc. which confused me. I know she is not cheating on me or having any thoughts of that nature.

 

Her original reason for the separation was that she was not sure how she felt anymore like she was missing apart of herself and that I had not been pushing myself.

 

I do understand and agree with her after examining myself that I was not pushing myself to my ability. I was having a hard time finding a job after I lost my last one and when I finally did it was just a part time job, I knew I still needed more hours or another Job for us to survive.

 

I do believe we made a mistake in that we got a roomate for the last 6 months that we slowly had more and more problems with until finally our roomate said she was going to move out after dissapearing for a week and skipping work.

 

Financially we have been struggling and alot of stress has affected us both. One of the problems I have had is that due to all of this I began claming up and holding alot of feelings inside myself and she was doing the same and we would randomly snap at each other for the stupidest things.

 

For 3 years prior to the last one we where always happy, always doing stuff together and hanging out with friends. When we decided to relocate out of NH to the west coast it was like we had to start all over again, didnt know what to do or who we could talk to there.

 

I believe that might have played apart of the reason, and I know that since we lived there our communication suffered. Its like we each lost apart of ourselves and forgot the reasons why we where in love.

 

She suggested the separation and I was against it when she brought it up saying Id rather work it out. However she said she was done trying to work things out and it wasnt until I left that we each found the root reason was about losing the core of who we were and why we fell in love with each other.

 

She said that during this time she still wanted to communicate and that this would be a growing experience that would hopefully bring us closer together and that it might give us a chance to start fresh.

 

I understand that and am willing to do what it takes to repair our marriage. We each emailed each other our goals short term and long term. However when I text her she doesnt answer until the end of the day and its short. she also was sad that I didnt call her the day after the flight and I explained she had said in a text she would call me later and when we finally got on the phone it lasted for about 2 min. We hung up and I text her telling her I missed her. She said she was thinking and its hard right now and feels awkward talking to me.

 

Today I sent her a email saying that its probably best if we have no contact right now except for business and when shes ready to talk again that I would be here. I also mentioned that while im over here I dont want to push seriosly back into our relationship that it would be best if we waited the 3-4 months til I could move back there into my own place with a job. At that point I suggested we discuss whether we should start seeing each other again.

 

I know shes sad and I know shes hurting. She said it was uncomfortable for her to sleep without me there but she needs to figure out what she wants.

 

Did I do the right thing in my email to her about no contact? What are the chances of us repairing our marriage from 3000 miles apart and both of us getting on our feet? I miss her soo much and I love her tremendously and it hurts that it all came down like this.

 

Whats the best advice to cope with to not text her when I know I want too? And when we do talk what would be safe or unsafe topics?

 

I know im asking alot I just feel I have no where else to turn and not sure ive made the right decisions with the last email. I just dont want to push her away by telling her how sad i am or how much I miss her and love her.

 

Thanks,

 

Roy

[Ronni_W]

Hi Roy.

It's impossible to say for sure, but it doesn't seem that your suggestion to go n/c will do any further damage to your marriage.

 

In my view, to be able to repair and rebuild a relationship does require for both people to be in the same city. But possibly the physical distance will be advantageous in that you both have the time and space to work on self-awareness and development.

 

Are there any topics/subjects that she has asked you NOT to talk about? I would imagine that everything would be "safe" -- except if it is to beg, plead, blame, guilt, manipulate, etc.

 

Have you considered seeking a counselor/therapist to help you sort out your thoughts and deal with your feelings, or joining a social club, separation support group, etc.? If cost is an issue, you could check with local community services, service organizations, libraries, places of worship, etc.

 

It is a difficult situation. Sending hugs, and good wishes for positive outcomes.

[Gunny376]

This is going to go against common sense?

 

But?

 

The only way to have a re-connect is to have a complete disconnect!

 

Think electricity?

 

Before you can restore the power grid?

 

You've first have to shut it down, and re-set the switch!

 

Hit the "breaker-bar"

[roysaweriii]

Even though I understand what you two are saying, I feel like my head is going to explode. I miss her a lot, I love her a lot and at the same time I am angry mostly to myself that it has come to this and that I was sent back here to basically start over from scratch. And then Ill be doing the same when I move back over there in 3-4 months as long as things go well Job wise. I am making the effort to meet all the people I left back here and try to have fun. Did goto a bonfire the other night. I also do have support from the Inlaws who will remain impartial between my calls and her calls. When we do get back in contact - I am letting her be the one to contact me first. Decided there should be no texting or calls as i said previously that way we both have time to think, reevaluate ourselves, and set up our own individual plans. It just feels right now like I have so much pressure and stress put on me again between this and starting over and it hurts so much, I feel like she doesnt care but I know in my heart she does and shes going through the same thing. Thanks for listening.

 

edit: Gunny - You have a unique way of expression your self and it did make feel a little better just seeing that uniqueness.

[tojaz]

RoyBoy

 

This is probably going to be the most painful thing you ever go through! Start reading other threads, not looking for what was done right, but what was done WRONG! Start with mine! I F'd up big time when it all went down, couldn't take the advice! Pushed her away. Look into the 180 and how NC works. Listen to the vets here. Gunny has a "unique" way of putting things, but he knows his stuff" (Snaps salute to Gunny)

 

The earlier you start the better, she says she misses you, thats a good sign, use it! If you contact her, don't push, if she contacts you, dont push! Let her control the pace otherwise she'll run. Your paniicing and you want to rush, thats the absolute last thing you want to do!

Above all, keep your head and keep posting!

TOJAZ

[lupa]

Even though I understand what you two are saying, I feel like my head is going to explode. I miss her a lot, I love her a lot and at the same time I am angry mostly to myself that it has come to this and that I was sent back here to basically start over from scratch. And then Ill be doing the same when I move back over there in 3-4 months as long as things go well Job wise. I am making the effort to meet all the people I left back here and try to have fun. Did goto a bonfire the other night. I also do have support from the Inlaws who will remain impartial between my calls and her calls. When we do get back in contact - I am letting her be the one to contact me first. Decided there should be no texting or calls as i said previously that way we both have time to think, reevaluate ourselves, and set up our own individual plans. It just feels right now like I have so much pressure and stress put on me again between this and starting over and it hurts so much, I feel like she doesnt care but I know in my heart she does and shes going through the same thing. Thanks for listening.

 

edit: Gunny - You have a unique way of expression your self and it did make feel a little better just seeing that uniqueness.

Gunny is a smart, smart man. Listen to his advice, because it will help you find YOU.

 

That, above all else, is step one. You only live for one person, yourself, and in the case of children, you live for them, too. Your partner is not mission critical to survival, even though that is what it feels like right now. YOU need to eat, YOU need to sleep, YOU need to work...if your partner stops doing those things, YOU will still survive.

 

So, start at taking care of yourself, and let the rest fall into place.

 

 

 

...it is easy to give this advice when you have just screwed it all up in your own world. Trust me when I tell you this.

[roysaweriii]

Tojaz,

 

The book I saw you reccomend in another post, "GETTING BACK TOGETHER" by Betty Youngs, I had a chance to preview through google and I was amazed at the advice it gives. I plan on buying that book and use it as inspiration on what to do and to help cope. It seems like a positive read and looks to have useful information. It is hard for me to detach - unplug right now, but you all are right, if I want things to get better either with Her (Hopefully) or myself (most importantly) then I need to do this. Doing the Job hunt thing today gave me time away from the emotional battle in my head and was even able to pla a few games of basketball with some old friends here. I missed not having Her here but it was nice to get to my roots and hang out with my friends. It also made me realize that If(When) we reconcile I dont want to give up my Skateboard passion again, I think Im going to actually pursue it, its been years but I know that I always was at a peace when skating it seemed to take away the baggage in my life and make me happier. Even though 50% of the time id go home with some sort of physical wound lol. I appreciate all of your guys support and I will continue to post, either on my progress or when I have my doubts. Thanks Again.

 

Roy

[tojaz]

Tojaz,

 

The book I saw you reccomend in another post, "GETTING BACK TOGETHER" by Betty Youngs, I had a chance to preview through google and I was amazed at the advice it gives. I plan on buying that book and use it as inspiration on what to do and to help cope. It seems like a positive read and looks to have useful information. It is hard for me to detach - unplug right now, but you all are right, if I want things to get better either with Her (Hopefully) or myself (most importantly) then I need to do this. Doing the Job hunt thing today gave me time away from the emotional battle in my head and was even able to pla a few games of basketball with some old friends here. I missed not having Her here but it was nice to get to my roots and hang out with my friends. It also made me realize that If(When) we reconcile I dont want to give up my Skateboard passion again, I think Im going to actually pursue it, its been years but I know that I always was at a peace when skating it seemed to take away the baggage in my life and make me happier. Even though 50% of the time id go home with some sort of physical wound lol. I appreciate all of your guys support and I will continue to post, either on my progress or when I have my doubts. Thanks Again.

 

Roy

 

Ole' Roy

 

I liked getting back together because it deals with the heart and it was written with emotion. The best thing you can do right now is educate yourself. I've read ALOT! and I continue to even though the big D has come and gone. I probably have a suggestion for close to whatever your looking for (If I don't, Gunny does!) For a more nuts and bolts approach check out Divorce Busting>> http://www.divorcebusting.com/ pay special attention to the 180.

TOJAZ

[Nomad1]

Roy, apologies in advance what I am going to say, but I would be surprised if there is no other man in the picture! Before you start extolling her virtues and protesting etc, read other threads, you will see that it is a natural response to say, No, there is no other man, she is not like that'....read on, and by about post 20, evidence emerges.

 

No woman / man would just leave a marriage where there has been no abuse, no etc. When it happens, there is almost definitely always, another snake.

 

Cut your losses. File for divorce and maintain no contact. You can read 1000s of books about the subject and whilst you may benefit from some, the lady is not for turning, and you shouldn't want her to.

 

Take care

 

Nomad1

[phineas]

I'm honestly having trouble comprehending the whole "get out of town" thing.

 

No way for you to find out if there is OM when your on the opposite coast.

 

Can't you stay with someone for a little while first?

She wants you out. Fine.

But did she want you to fly out of town or did you want to go?

 

I had NO IDEA there was another man for a whole yr. I found out after she ended it.

but I was then wary & looked for signs she had started it up again. And she had.

It was amazing because her friend was actually lieing & covering for her by saying she was with her while she was screwing OM.

 

Unless you are with her when she hangs out with these friends, she could be telling them how horrible you are & get their help in covering for her while she cheats.

 

Perhaps because I was cheated on I now see the boogyman everywhere so i could be wrong.

[lupa]

Roy, apologies in advance what I am going to say, but I would be surprised if there is no other man in the picture! Before you start extolling her virtues and protesting etc, read other threads, you will see that it is a natural response to say, No, there is no other man, she is not like that'....read on, and by about post 20, evidence emerges.

 

No woman / man would just leave a marriage where there has been no abuse, no etc. When it happens, there is almost definitely always, another snake.

 

Cut your losses. File for divorce and maintain no contact. You can read 1000s of books about the subject and whilst you may benefit from some, the lady is not for turning, and you shouldn't want her to.

 

Take care

 

Nomad1

This guy is right. It may not be an actual physical affair, and it may be a completely bullsh*t romanticized version only in her mind, but chances are she is in love with another person or idea of a person.

 

I'll be the first to admit that I found myself during the course of my marriage wondering about past loves, imagining what life would be like with them. I just brushed them off as malaise that sets in as the reality of a shared life takes hold, you know, the routine, the "comfort but not passion"...but my wife, I think (because I have no proof), has convinced herself that I am the root of her unhappiness and that being with another will fill her needs.

 

My point is that generally there has to be another or the thought of another for this to happen. Nothing else makes sense.

[MrMayI]

my wife walked out on me, our daughter, and her cats. there is no way she did this without the possibility of an OM. i find it to be absolute. if you didn't abuse her, or manipulate and control her, then there's no other reason for unwillingness to work **** out. i'm sorry to say it, as i'm sure everyone else is. it's tough man, but you got us now. we'll all be here the best we can. all of your decisions are just that. YOUR decisions.

[MrMayI]

It also made me realize that If(When) we reconcile I dont want to give up my Skateboard passion again, I think Im going to actually pursue it, its been years but I know that I always was at a peace when skating it seemed to take away the baggage in my life and make me happier. Even though 50% of the time id go home with some sort of physical wound lol.

 

Roy

 

i've gotten back into skating too. my knees are cut to hell and all twisted up right now, but man does it feel good.

[phineas]

I'm golfing with the guys more often.

I've golfed more in the past two months than I have the last 3 yrs.

[roysaweriii]

Hi again,

 

So the Wife called me last night to see how was I doing and congratulate me on my new Job. It was a short Conversation but it was friendly and positive. I have been pulling a 180 the best I can and have found a Job which I start today Full time! I also have several interviews set up for a part time job and have begun discussing with Verizon reemployment with them when I move back to WA. I also have been eating healthy, working on my social life, and I feel I am making a ton of progress with my social life. She has also posted that she does believe in giving me a second chance - so long as I can prove to her that I am changing for the better and do want this all to work out. Thanks again guys for your support. I will keep you updated.

 

Roy

[Mz. Pixie]

Your wife has insignificant reasons for leaving you. You don't leave a marriage over those things.

 

I'm sorry to be so blunt- but it's my style- your wife is stringing you along. She's keeping you on the string while she pursues someone else. Trust me on this.

 

If you'd like you can read all my posts about cheating- I've been there and done that and your wife is showing all the signs.

 

Check her email, cell phone bills etc and see what you find. If you find nothing- then I'd be happy to say I'm wrong.

[lupa]

You have to LIVE the change, but don't ever talk about it. Do not say, "See? See how I've changed?" Just be the new you.

[mark982]

quit answering your phone for awhile and see what happens.

[tojaz]

Hi again,

 

So the Wife called me last night to see how was I doing and congratulate me on my new Job. It was a short Conversation but it was friendly and positive. I have been pulling a 180 the best I can and have found a Job which I start today Full time! I also have several interviews set up for a part time job and have begun discussing with Verizon reemployment with them when I move back to WA. I also have been eating healthy, working on my social life, and I feel I am making a ton of progress with my social life. She has also posted that she does believe in giving me a second chance - so long as I can prove to her that I am changing for the better and do want this all to work out. Thanks again guys for your support. I will keep you updated.

 

Roy

 

Glad to hear your doing so well Roy. The key is to do it for you though. If your just doing it for her, she will see right through it. Even if the second chance dosen't materialize, keep doing it for you.

 

Also, listen to Mz. Pixie, you have a right to know what your fighting for. I never thought my wife was capable either, who does.

TOJAZ

[roysaweriii]

I guess my ignorance got the better hold of me and I should have listened to you guys. Its been a week shy of 2 months now and while I hope to be with her again I am just having trouble seeing how based on her actions.

 

The nights do seem to go by easier and I am able to go out and have a good time with friends but she is always on my mind. The first thought when I wake up and the last when I goto bed. Ive tried to tell myself to stop it - tried to block her out of my mind, but nothing seems to work.

 

The past 3 weeks have probably been the worst of it all with some really low lows and a couple of highs. So we will start at that point 3 weeks ago...

 

3 weeks ago I was desperate and nosey and took a look through her email. I had noticed that she had signed up for yahoo personals. This bothered me but held it in and said well maybe it wont lead to anything. It was not long shortly after that I must have logged into her yahoo email at just the right time, because i found she had created a gmail address. So I logged into the gmail - password still the same as all her others. I found that this was her real treasure trove.

 

She had signed up for eharmony, match.com, plentyoffish. And worst of all I was able to log in to all of them and find out she was actively pursuing another relationship. F*** after only 1 month? What about our past together and our marriage does it mean nothing? And while it frustrated me I still read on I viewed her likes, dislikes and so on.

 

It was like I was reading she was looking for everything I have to offer without any of my flaws. A perfect me in a sense. I dont get it why couldnt this be communicated to me before or if it was why couldnt I listen? Even more it hurts to see that she states she is single and never married and all her reasons for being in wa and going back to school are incomplete those where both our decisions together. Will she look in the mirror one day and realize how far down the road of deciet she is going?

 

On top of the anger, frustration, bewilderment, hurt, and denial I cant help to feel sorry for the few people she has gotten to the point of actually talking to on the phone. They know none of our past based on what I saw their and I am sorry for them for trying to start something off with someone who is lieing to them strait from the beginning. At the same time I am furious with them and want them to back off my wife.

 

I have helt this all in digested it, spat it out, and digested it again. 2 weeks ago I thought I had enough after logging on to my verizon bill seeing the minutes extremely high and noticing she talked to one guy for hr and a half. So I called her and told her I wanted a divorce, I didnt say why other then I think we both had different ideas on what a separation would be.

 

However, I dont want a divorce as sad to some as it may seem. I know we can never go back to the same place as before, but I still yearn for her, and love her with all my heart. We talked the next day and I told her this, and she cried but said she doesnt know what she wants, she doesnt know what will happen. Its like im talking to a damn brick wall that never gives me concrete answers and leaves me in the dark.

 

Following that conversation the next 5 days seemed to go great, we emailed each other back and forth, texted each other and talked on the phone several times. I sent her some flowers for anniversary which was the 21rst with a card that just said I was thinking of you today. She called me later to thank me and wish me a happy anniversary as well. Too me things started to look up.

 

Well last thursday I went to pay the phone bill and while I was on line I was like well let me just if she is talking to them still. I found that she was and texting all hours of the day as well. Logged into our joint bank account and found out she went out to eat on our anniversary and spent $100 at a porn shop. So I called one of our mutual friends and found out she went on a date that night. Of all the things she could do and all the nights why then? and why lie? too me and too him?

 

I texted her best friend and told him my story and that I dint wanted a divorce and asked what could I do, how should I proceed? He told me that a separation was a time for us to try seeing other people to see what we wanted. WHAT! I thought it was a time to reflect and see where things went wrong in ourselves as well as in the marriage and how we could possibly work on it.

 

Come to find out many of her old friends and people she works with that use to talk with her have decided not to talk to her anymore and just walk away. Every post she has on myspace now seems depressed and the one last night got me as well. She said she doesnt want to be the type of person who hurts others. She said she was depressed and she said she was annoyed.

 

I have refused to talk to her for the last 3 days and shes made no effort to contact me and i feel at this point if she does all i want to say is: Is this about us? and if not dont bother. It hurts, I miss her, I love her, and I want to save the marriage but how can I do it alone and how can I do it with all her recent actions.

 

It was hard for me last night - I wanted to email her and tell her that she is the a person who is causing hurt right now not just to me but to her old friends and too herself, and potentially to the guys shes talking too. I wanted to tell her Hey wake up look at yourself, look at what your doing, look at the cause and look at the effect. I wanted to tell her I know about the other guys - I know that you lie to me. And it makes me re-evalute why did she really want the separation, and why only when she had made friends with new people? I wanted to tell her if you spent half as much energy as you do now, talking to others, partying every god damn night, and instead focused it on where we went wrong and how we could get back to the old feelings for each other, not the old relationship maybe we would have a chance and we could do it together.

 

But I didnt, I didnt want to contact her, I dont want to give her every piece of dignity I have left as much as down deep I would love to be back together. I want her to figure it out, I want her to walk the talk, Ill better myself here, but If she wants it to work then she has to work on it too. She has to show me that she loves me and that this is what she wants. Most importantly before that she would have to admit what she is doing with these other men? Is that selfish of me? Am I being too easy? Should I tell her I know? Its confusing, and it hurts, and between that and this new semester of college Im feeling like the world is on my shoulders and im struggling to hold it up.

 

I feel I have lost everything. I have lost my love,I have lost my home, and all I have is me. I know that should be enough, but it just plain sucks starting over here and knowing that I will be doing the same thing in december when I have to move back out there for next semester for physics.

 

Thanks for letting me dump my thoughts once again.

[seibert253]

Time to run silent, run deep. Time to let her go and move on.

 

Here's my advice, for what it's worth:

1. Retain an attorney and have him draw up D papers. No need to file just yet, you'll know when the time is right to file and have her served.

2. Go NC. Do not call, text, email, anything. If she calls, texts, emails, do not answer. She needs to see and feel that you're done and moving on.

3. If the phone's in your name, cancel it. Same for any credit cards. Why are you paying for her to run around on you? She needs to pay for her own things.

4. If you have a joint checking and/or savings, close them and open a new one in your name only. Open a "stealth" account at a different bank. Start putting away some money out of every check into this account.

 

Yeah she gonna be pizzed, so what. If you do conversate with her, just tell her she wanted to be truly on her own, now she is. Let her know that as long as she's still in contact with the OM, you are not going to fund her seperation. Eventually you're going to have the conversation with her "choose him or Me".

 

You need to be firm and strong. She will keep stinging you along as long as you let her. There are consequences for all of our actions and decisions. She needs to start experiencing the consequences of her decisions.

[roysaweriii]

Letting go is difficult. 7 Days now no contact what so ever, removed her from facebook so she couldn't see my status anymore. I find it hard but each time she pops into my head I try telling myself, she was the one who left you. It doesn't make it easy but it does give me some comfort at the least knowing that its not all my fault.

 

I just don't understand how she can do all of this. It feels like I don't even know who she is anymore, and even if we could work things out I don't even know if I could forgive her actions.

 

What happened to respect and honor or love and truth? I don't understand but I am trying to move forward one day at a time. I finally joined the gym today and am looking for a personal trainer, hopefully that will relieve some stress. God knows I need to between this, a full time job, and full time school, and coming up with a plan to get my life set back up in WA I don't think I could handle anymore.

 

Just my 2 cents today - needed to put it somewhere.

[Gunny376]

Letting go is difficult. 7 Days now no contact what so ever, removed her from facebook so she couldn't see my status anymore. I find it hard but each time she pops into my head I try telling myself, she was the one who left you. It doesn't make it easy but it does give me some comfort at the least knowing that its not all my fault.

 

I just don't understand how she can do all of this. It feels like I don't even know who she is anymore, and even if we could work things out I don't even know if I could forgive her actions.

 

What happened to respect and honor or love and truth? I don't understand but I am trying to move forward one day at a time. I finally joined the gym today and am looking for a personal trainer, hopefully that will relieve some stress. God knows I need to between this, a full time job, and full time school, and coming up with a plan to get my life set back up in WA I don't think I could handle anymore.

 

Just my 2 cents today - needed to put it somewhere.

 

Opppss Upside the head!

 

Reality?

 

What a concept!

 

Welcome to the Real World my friend!

 

Reality is for real!

 

Reality ain't no joke!

 

It comes at you hard and fast and throws your @zz up under the bus!

 

Its real, and therefore! You need to be for real!

 

That's the way it is!

 

That's the way you need to be!

 

Sorry!

 

That's just the way it is!