phoenix1 Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 I know this is crazy, but what about two people that didn't have a relationship that was filled with fights and cheating, but broke up anyway? It's more about commitment/intimacy issues and being in different places in life. This is our 2nd real break up, in 6 months, after 2 1/2 yrs of a great, continuous relationship with no break ups. Last time we stayed broken up 2 months, together 2 1/2 months and now broken up again. We keep coming back to each other because I truly believe we love each other, that's not the issue. It's so sad and so hard for either of us to let go when we feel so strongly. We have many of the same friends, and although we try to avoid each other, and give space, we inevitably run into each other. When we see each other, we talk, it's like no time has passed, there's definitely a connection, and all our friends think we are nuts - are you together, are you not? We keep saying, no,no, no, but they just shake their heads. Sometimes I feel like I need to leave town to move on, but then another part of me never wants to leave this man. Another part of me knows I need to accept that this is not working and let it go. I can't help but think our story is not over. Feedback anyone? Similar experiences?
tojaz Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 I know this is crazy, but what about two people that didn't have a relationship that was filled with fights and cheating, but broke up anyway? It's more about commitment/intimacy issues and being in different places in life. This is our 2nd real break up, in 6 months, after 2 1/2 yrs of a great, continuous relationship with no break ups. Last time we stayed broken up 2 months, together 2 1/2 months and now broken up again. We keep coming back to each other because I truly believe we love each other, that's not the issue. It's so sad and so hard for either of us to let go when we feel so strongly. We have many of the same friends, and although we try to avoid each other, and give space, we inevitably run into each other. When we see each other, we talk, it's like no time has passed, there's definitely a connection, and all our friends think we are nuts - are you together, are you not? We keep saying, no,no, no, but they just shake their heads. Sometimes I feel like I need to leave town to move on, but then another part of me never wants to leave this man. Another part of me knows I need to accept that this is not working and let it go. I can't help but think our story is not over. Feedback anyone? Similar experiences? It really is up to you, weather you want it to be over or not. If your having commitment/intimacy issues, these need to be addressed before any successful reconciliation. Check out the book "He's Scared, Shes Scared" I think it can help your situation. TOJAZ
cypresa Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 what are the commitment issues exactly? without knowing it's difficult to work out any advice... Is it him that doesn't want commitment or you? How old are you? Any back story you can share???
Author phoenix1 Posted August 9, 2009 Author Posted August 9, 2009 We are both in our 40's, and although it's easy to point the finger at him and say it's his commitment issues, I know it takes two. By me participating in the way I have, I also have commitment issues, just not so obvious. Basically anytime it gets to close, he needs to back off, and then once he has some space, he wants to get close. At 2 1/2 yrs it kind of came to that place where you feel expectations as a couple to move forward. I wasn't really pressuring, I think he just kind of took that on himself from society, friends, etc. and felt like he just couldn't move forward-it made him panic. What I have realized is that for this to change, he needs to do his work around this, and I can't make him. It will happen when and if he's ready. That's the difficult part. Other than that (and believe me I know THAT is a big thing)we get along great, are compatible in many ways, enjoy being together, care about each other and have a great sex life. It's so hard to let go with all this in place. I have often wished that I was one of those people that sees it's not working and just says "OK, time to go". But I am not....
cypresa Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 Reading your story was like reading my own! Thanks for posting it.... i'm 31 a bit younger but been in a wonderful commited relationship for 2 and half years with a 35 year old man. that came to an end when i felt we should be moving forward (living together) and he just got really really anxious about the whole thing and couldn't make the decison. So i said well then this can't be right - he agreed and we split up - for 3 months now. It's odd because we didn't split up because of arguing or any proper problem - there was nothing wrong. I know if i hadn't brought it up he would still be going out with me now. Which makes breaking up 10 times more difficult. It was all very amicable and after 35 days of NC by me - we're now in touch occasionly by email. I just feel like maybe he just wasn't into me enough. That it is not that he has commitment issues - it's just that he couldn't imagine a future with me - hence breaking up. I still can't figure it out. because even he doesn't know (i asked him!). i know he still cares deeply about me. but maybe that just isn't enough?! are we being delusional? on blaming it on "commitment issues"? rather than just not being into us enough??!! What are your thoughts?
MSUE Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 I guess it depends on what the "commitment/intimacy"' issues really are...in your original post u mention intimacy as an issue then on your next post you claim to have a great sex life? not sure what you mean then ... mind elaborating a bit more? but I will say this...intimacy is very important in a R its a form of bonding like nothing else and crucial in any BF/GF relationship and commitment is what a R is all about
Author phoenix1 Posted August 10, 2009 Author Posted August 10, 2009 @cypresa - yeah, very similar. But I really don't think it is me....he's ambivalent in many areas of his life, not just our relationship. It's important not personalize somebody's else issues and take them on. @MSUE - well there all kinds of intimacy that does not include sex. We do have a great sex life. I'm talking more about continuous emotional closeness. He lets me in so much, gets so close, can do this for awhile, but then it starts freaking him out. People in his life have told me that I am the person more than anyone ever who has beem able to "reach" him. But he still has a ways to go....
Quest Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 I know this is crazy, but what about two people that didn't have a relationship that was filled with fights and cheating, but broke up anyway? It's more about commitment/intimacy issues and being in different places in life. This is our 2nd real break up, in 6 months, after 2 1/2 yrs of a great, continuous relationship with no break ups. Last time we stayed broken up 2 months, together 2 1/2 months and now broken up again. We keep coming back to each other because I truly believe we love each other, that's not the issue. It's so sad and so hard for either of us to let go when we feel so strongly. We have many of the same friends, and although we try to avoid each other, and give space, we inevitably run into each other. When we see each other, we talk, it's like no time has passed, there's definitely a connection, and all our friends think we are nuts - are you together, are you not? We keep saying, no,no, no, but they just shake their heads. Sometimes I feel like I need to leave town to move on, but then another part of me never wants to leave this man. Another part of me knows I need to accept that this is not working and let it go. I can't help but think our story is not over. Feedback anyone? Similar experiences? The story may not be overly emotionally but if you can't move the relationship forward then it's over in practical terms. Sometimes people just aren't at the same 'stage' when they meet - timing is as important as compatibility. I'm afraid I don't have any answers. I was in a situation like this and eventually went abroad for a year or so and that helped me move on a bit. But it was tough - I feel for you.
georgia girl Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 I'm in a similar situation too - and we're both mid/late 30s! Amazing how this happens. When I met my partner, everyone thought we would be a good pair. We both do the same work, have the same circle of friends and make the same amount of money. We had a great year together, started talking about selling one place (his) and moving into mine (I like on a lake) and he started almost immediately letting me down. Finally, I got frustrated, said I needed a break and he took me up on it. We were split up six weeks before he asked for a second chance, another two before I agreed to it. We're trying again but back at square one. I'm now not ready for him to live with me (I don't trust that I won't wake up one day and find his things moved out of a closet) and we're just trying to enjoy each other. When I read your story, I thought it could be mine. I'd like to think there's hope for us all. We are going to try again and I wouldn't do that if I didn't truly think we had a chance. I hope you get that same opportunity. Sometimes, these men we find with commitment issues do grow up. Let's hope that this is the time for both of our guys (or all three).
cypresa Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 So happy for you Georgia girl! Can i ask - did you have contact with him when you split up? How did he ask for a second chance? did he call you? did you call him? Commitment issues is always a horrible way to split up - because generally both parties were talking about taking a step forward only to have it end completely and abruptly. Hard to deal with. It feels like my ex - isn't ready or maybe never will want a second chance with me - although we are in LC. I guess i just have to move on and find happiness alone. (for awhile anyway!!) I really really hope it works out for you guys - and maybe it's a good thing that you're taking it slowly!!
georgia girl Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Cypressa, No, I had no contact with him when we split up - but he never stopped contacting me. I just ignored him - the emails, the texts and the stopping by my house. I was so done with it. Finally, he insisted on a meeting and asked me to come back (he called me and went through my office line). I agreed to meet him, but told him I was not going to say yes. That it was truly over. Again, he didn't let up but he changed his tune. Instead of wanting to wallow in what went wrong, he started being my friend. So I gave in. As I said, he called me. I never once called him and to this day, I don't call/text/anything first. I really believe this is his commitment issue and as a result, he needs to make an effort. It can't be easy for him because he won't value it. It can't be hard for me, because I just won't do it a second time. That's where we found our balance. I'm still not certain, but I'm willing to work on it. (Actually, he's coming over tonight and making me dinner. Then, we're going out for a ride in our neighbors' boat together.) It will definitely be slow this time and I have to say, it's weird to have HIM pushing the relationship along (and not me) but I can't get used to it! Good luck. If he truly is a commit phobe, no contact is your best positioning strategy. It puts you in a place to get over him and it gives him something to think about. If he doesn't make the leap, then you can move on. But make him make the leap. This is not something you can ever do for a commit phobe.
Surfer Girl Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 My Ex is in the same class of committment phobia. I went NC for 4 months. When he said he would marry me. Yet in time, He felt so pressured he ran off again. We are also compatable, loving and I just wonder if sometimes having that piece of paper is worth it or not.... It has now been almost 3 weeks NC.... And it is tough.... The pain does not get any easier.... Georgia Girl, you handled it very well.... Me on the other hand just jumped as soon as he contacted me..... Letting him back in way to soon.... and not getting to the root of the problem... it was doing the dance again and the value and respect would have been alot more had I not answered right away If he were to contact me again.... I would not answer back this time...
ryepatch Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 my wife was always really happy through ten years together, always proud to be married and have a family (we've got three cats) and an extended family (really close to my mom) and going through the hard times together. then she left suddenly, moved in with a friend, and says she can't deal with being in a relationship, can't handle all the little compromises and negotiations (even small stuff, like who gets to use the car on a thursday afternoon-her for coffee with a friend or me for foodshopping an errands). basically, she saying she can't make a commitment, wants to go party with her friends, doesn't want any responsibility. we're 30 yrs old, and even our therapist says she's acting like she's 15. she said she thought we had some problems, but would have left even a perfect relationship right now. is this just a phase, or can she have truly turned into a commitment phobe who's likely to stay single for the rest of her life?
Quest Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 is this just a phase, or can she have truly turned into a commitment phobe who's likely to stay single for the rest of her life? My understanding of a commitmentphobe is someone who finds it hard to make a commitment, period. Usually they do eventually make a commitment to someone but it's often years down the line, when they've done a lot of growing (and suffering). Your wife has made a commitment, it's not been an issue for her. She's not a commitmentphobe, just having some sort of crisis by the sounds of it. It's a bit early for a mid-life crisis but it looks very much like one. When and how she'll come out of it is anybody's guess but meantime you need to look after yourself.
Serena2009 Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 Hi Phoenix1, I'm in the same boat as you, no fights in the relationship, great time together etc. etc. and then HE put pressure on himself that a decision had to be made as to long term. I'm not into definitions so defining it as such really didn't matter to me but. . . he drove himself nuts with this (and me) and finally said my feelings would grow and his wouldn't. I didn't react emotionally, told him firmly that friendship was NOT an option, and immediately went into NC. 5 weeks later he showed up at my door. I've posted about the unexpected visit on Georgia Girls and Nightlord1's threads. Anyway, I think it's really difficult and heartbreaking with true commitment phobes. They leave at the peak of a relationship because they consciously or unconsciously experience this overwhelming feeling of anxiety regarding letting go of their feelings and taking it to the next level. Their reaction is to flee to escape the anxiety. Like Georgia Girl, I believe that they really have to come to grips with their own issue and work through it. I think the best thing you can do is NC and try to move forward with your own life and focus on yourself. During this time define for yourself what your wants and needs are in a relationship, any relationship, not just your relationship with him. I would not agree to be his friend and I would set a boundary that the only way he may re-enter your life is if he wants to put both feet in the relationship and move forward. He may resolve his commitment issue, think about the relationship and miss you or he may not. There's really nothing you can do to help him move forward. As long as he has commitment issues of this type, the relationship will never progress beyond a certain level with you or anyone else for that matter. I know how hard and devastaing this can be because you see the potential. But if HE doesn't choose to evolve, the potential will never come to fruition. Be strong!
Author phoenix1 Posted August 16, 2009 Author Posted August 16, 2009 @serena 2009 You put it really well, that is definitely my situation. And I know what you said is true about NC and moving on, what is meant to happen, will happen. It's not up to me. In fact I feel like I have done everything I could do...it is now up to him. And the truth is he may not be capable, ready, willing, whatever. I am trying to focus on myself, and making a plan that does not revolve around what if? If it is truly meant to be, it will be, and I can't wait, watching my life pass me by. I did however agree to see him this weekend for lunch. Again he professes his love, questions his decisions, talks about how great me and our relationship was...and leaves me feeling like, "And?? Then why are we not together?" But I know why. He states he wants to, and wishes things could be different, but those are not action taking statements, just passive musings. I did keep the contact time limited, refused to have sex, listened to what he had to say, but stayed firm on not falling into his words hook, line and sinker. We left it at that, and no I am not going to be friends that hang out - too painful. So now we will see....only time will tell.. So painful to do the "right" thing sometimes
Serena2009 Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 Phoenix1, Some CP's try to manage down the expectations in the relationship and if you're not careful, you can end up as the fallback girl. In other words, you get demoted to FWB or friend and they get all they want from the relationship leaving you knowing you can have no expectations of them. In other words, they get their cake and eat it too. It's not fair and it's selfish. By accepting this situation your confidence and self esteem will continually erode. Did you clearly tell him that you're unwilling to redefine the relationship as a FWB or friendship? I don't know whether it really matters or not if you did or didn't. Perhaps others can give advice as to whether it's the best course or not, to initiate NC without clearly stating your boundaries first that is. In my case, I stated my boundaries at the first mention of friendship. I said, "I will not be your friend because it isn't good for me." I know it REALLY bothered him because he didn't want to lose me from his life. Setting the boundary likely resulted in the romantic relationship lasting longer than it would have but it doesn't really matter because he remained CP. What matters to me is his ability to overcome this affliction and engage in a healthy relationship with me. If he can't, then I do not wish to have him as a part of my life. Anyway, I know how hard this is. The relationship felt great. It didn't end because of betrayal or irreconcilible differences, it ended because he is CP! You didn't break it, you cant' fix it. Only he can fix it by fixing himself. And unfortunately, you can't help him do that. If you try, you will only push him further away. If you accept the breadcrumbs he's been throwing you, you enable his CP to flourish while your self-esteem shrinks more and more. NC will help you heal, rebuild your self esteem, and allow you time to focus on exactly what YOU want in a relationship, the kind of relationship YOU deserve. If he misses you and comes back, YOU decide whether he's over his CP affliction and ready to give you the relationship you want and deserve. If he comes back offering you bread crumbs, "NO WAY!!" And if he moves onto someone else you can bet your life that she's not going to heal him, and that he's in no way healed, and that while she's accepting bread crumbs you won't settle for that because you deserve a hearty meal!! Take care and be strong.
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