SimplyIzzy2010 Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 Hi guys. I've been gone for a very long time, ever since I told my ex we could never speak again. Its been around 3 months of complete NC, and I'm doing fabulously in not wanting to talk to him. There's only one problem. I suffer from very low self-esteem, and its something I've battled all my life. My ex has a new girlfriend. He's had her for about four months. Its funny because one time, when he was with me, and they were close friends, I asked him if he'd ever date her. He said "no! She's ugly." And now, they're together. This girl is my complete opposite. I'm girly, I love fashion and making myself look nice and doing my hair. I never look messy. I'm not athletic, but I am very smart. I'm petite. I'm outgoing. This girl is very athletic, not very smart, she never takes care of herself, she doesn't seem to have friends, she's tall and skinny as a beanpole, and she's very shy. Many people tell me that I'm so much prettier and just better than her but in my mind she's so much more prettier than me and just better. I always compare myself to her and it kills me. All I want is to be confident with myself and not feel lesser than her. I think what makes it worse is that during our last conversation, he told me he thought she was more beautiful than me. I cannot live like this anymore. Please, please, please help me stop comparing myself to her and just MOVE ON and not care. :/ I don't want to look at her and wonder WHY her? Anymore. I don't want to see her in my dreams anymore. I just want to be at peace. I feel like if I overcome this, I'll be done with all this for good. Please help me.
norajane Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 Start thinking about this as two separate relationships - yours with your ex, and his with her. Meaning, he's not with her because she's better than you. Your relationship ended because the two of you weren't right for each other and it didn't work out. Whether he started dating anyone after that or not, regardless of who she is or what she's like, your relationship still would have ended because you weren't right for each other and wasn't working out. Even if she weren't around, your relationship still would have ended because you weren't right for each other. That's all that should concern you. You weren't right for each other. Whether he and she are right for each other remains to be seen. But even if they are right for each other, that doesn't make her better or worse than you, just different. Their relationship has nothing to do with you or whether you were right for him.
broken_promises Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 I'm in the same exact place. I have moved onto not thinking about him or missing him really, doing well with NC, but I still can't stop thinking about the girl he is currently interested in. (Not sure if they are dating, but they were well on their way while we were still breaking up.) Unlike your situation, she is just like me only in comparing myself to her, I think she is a WAY better version of me. In other words, he wanted someone just like me... just not ME. Ugh. My post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t197625/ I wish I had some advice but, as I said, I'm stuck in the same place you are. I feel like if I could just get past this aspect of the ending, I could begin to really move on. The one thing that has helped me is remembering back to when another ex I had cheated on me and at the time, I felt like I was dying. And now, it holds no emotional power over me when I think back to the girls he was with (or even the wife he has now.) I really did get over them/the feelings/the comparisons fully. So, I know I will over this one too. Good luck
Ronni_W Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 help me stop comparing myself to her There is only one way to (re)gain control of what you are thinking about and that is to consciously, actively take charge of your thoughts. Every time you find yourself thinking about her, or comparing yourself to her, or 'hearing' what he said to you, then you have to interrupt those thoughts and think about something else. It doesn't matter WHAT else. The lyrics of a song, how to bake chocolate chip muffins, what you'd do with 10 milion dollars, or count to 300 in 19s. So you don't get bored, I'd suggest to mix-up what you think about instead of your habitual, esteem-sucking thoughts. Here is another technique that many find useful: http://www.richbits.com/RBArchives/87sRB_power_pause_steps.htm It can be quite challenging at first -- you may have to interrupt yourself 89 times an hour. But just keep at it...you WILL end up mastering your thoughts. Good luck!
Author SimplyIzzy2010 Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 thank you thank you thank you for all your advice. all this seems to be taking a toll on me. but I must stop feeling this way. and so should you, broken! we need to combat this. no one is better than us because we all have what makes us unique. I had already read your post when i was desperately seeking for help. but this is it. i refuse to compare myself to her anymore. no. i won't do that to myself. because he's not the same person either. and as to you, and her being the same as you, i don't think she's better. I think you were too good for him and he realized that and looked for someone that was "kinda how you are". but NEVER you. what makes me wonder is.... this girl is my COMPLETE opposite. does that mean i was doing something wrong? maybe wearing too much make-up, seeing as how she doesn't wear ANYTHING? maybe dressing up too much when all she does is wear whatever she finds on the floor? but i've resolved not to change who i am. so what if i'm really skinny? so what if i eat too much? so what if i'm the most unathletic girl in the school and she's champion track runner? im the national hispanic scholar its whatever broken. WE CAN DO THIS! whoever loves us must love us for us.
norajane Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 You might do better to focus on why HE wasn't right for YOU. And how you are now free to meet someone who is right for you.
selena_cat Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 There is only one way to (re)gain control of what you are thinking about and that is to consciously, actively take charge of your thoughts. Every time you find yourself thinking about her, or comparing yourself to her, or 'hearing' what he said to you, then you have to interrupt those thoughts and think about something else. It doesn't matter WHAT else. The lyrics of a song, how to bake chocolate chip muffins, what you'd do with 10 milion dollars, or count to 300 in 19s. So you don't get bored, I'd suggest to mix-up what you think about instead of your habitual, esteem-sucking thoughts. Here is another technique that many find useful: http://www.richbits.com/RBArchives/87sRB_power_pause_steps.htm It can be quite challenging at first -- you may have to interrupt yourself 89 times an hour. But just keep at it...you WILL end up mastering your thoughts. Good luck! Wow, thanks for the that Power pause technique,i too obsess about his new girll,i'm glad i dont know her name or put a face to that name i always obsess and wonder that she must be so better than i am since she has him,but then i know its beyond silly too.
Ronni_W Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Wow, thanks for the that Power pause technique, You're welcome, selena . I would encourage you to keep practicing...it takes a while for it to become your new habit to think positive, self-affirming thoughts, so don't become discouraged if you don't notice all the benefits immediately. There are other useful tips 'n techniques on that site. The list of archived articles can be found at: http://www.richbits.com/RBArchives/backissuesRBNEW.htm
Taucher Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 This girl is my complete opposite. I'm girly, I love fashion and making myself look nice and doing my hair. I never look messy. I'm not athletic, but I am very smart. I'm petite. I'm outgoing. This girl is very athletic, not very smart, she never takes care of herself, she doesn't seem to have friends, she's tall and skinny as a beanpole, and she's very shy. Many people tell me that I'm so much prettier and just better than her but in my mind she's so much more prettier than me and just better. You DO have low self esteem. Read back the bit that I have quoted above and realise that, despite you saying this yourself, you still doubt yourself. Listen to yourself, and to other people. Take care T
gd26 Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 You don't need to put her down to make yourself feel good. She isn't any better or worse than you... just a different person, simple as that. Comparing the two of you serves no purpose other than to fuel your insecurity. Stop it.
Author SimplyIzzy2010 Posted August 20, 2009 Author Posted August 20, 2009 thank you all! i'm working on my self-esteem at the moment... and jd, thanks for the tough love
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