Single and hating it Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 We were (are still) married for 14 years....together for 16. She is 39, I am 47. She cheated on me about 8 years ago, but we worked things out (well, I guess in the long run we never) and lived together for another 8 years since....we have 2 children, girls ages 12 and 9. On Father's Day of this year (I kid you not!) she tells me she wants a separation! We had been arguing and basically not communicating for about 3 or 4 months off and on, but I guess she thought it was worse....so, "Happy Father's Day...get the f**k out!" (Not her exact words but that's how I interpreted them) So, I somewhat agree, and start looking for a place to live....I get a little bachelor place...she stays in the house with the kids..... But before I get too far into this, I must say I start to thinking that maybe there is something else going on...."I have to run to the grocery store"...Takes her 4 hours to pick up 2 loaves of bread..."I'm taking the dog for a walk"....another 4 hours...poor dog must be half dead by now....."I'm working late tonight...it's month end"....ok.....She spends an awful lot of time on the computer....which is unusual for her....so I start snooping around....download a keystroke recorder...get some passwords and find her sites and emails....Well now.....Some examples...."Can't go shopping with you tonight (to a girlfriend)...I have a dinner date" (not with me!) Then I look in her Facebook friends list....and what to my wandering eye should appear?....The same guy that she had the affair with 8 years ago!!! But, as I later discover, this isn't who she is "talking with" now......Another note on Facebook has one of her friends asking "Who is that in the pic?".....Her response "Oh..that's my new friend, Joe!"..... Well, that sealed it for me.....so the next morning before I leave for work, I confront her....."Is there someone else?"....she hesitates (which is the same as saying yes, as far as I'm concerned) and then says, "That's not why I want you out"....ummm..ok. So, getting back where I was at the beginning, I spend my last night with her and the kids watching a movie. After the kids go to bed, I tell her we need to say a few things.....this is a Friday night.....I specifically asked her not to bring her new man around until the kids and I and her get a chance to adjust to this....she says "I promise I won't...my mom did that to me and I would never do it to my kids"....Good enough.... Saturday I move out.....Sunday I'm talking to the kids...."Were doing alright...my friends from school are here and the neighbour kid....and, oh yeah...mommies new friend and his two kids are here!".....!?!?!?!?!......Well, I ask right away to speak to mom...... "What is this?....you said you wouldn't do that?!"......Her response? "I didn't know he was coming....he lives in the neighbourhood and brought his kuds down to the park"....HAHAHAHAHAHAHA....What a coincidence....he shows up accidentally the day after I move out....wow....amazing!...... So, Monday night (for those of you keeping track, this is about 60 hours after I moved out...not days...HOURS!) the kids inform me that they are going to a sleepover at their friend's house....Well....imagine what that does...leaves my wife alone in that big house all by herself.....think she had company???...... So the Wednesday I am with the kids I call her at work....."Did he stay?"....She says...now get this..."Why does it matter....you weren't there!" Less than 3 days, after she promised she wouldn't do it...and he's in my bed, in my house, with my wife..... So, fast forward to today.....she hasn't spoken to me for 3 days now....I have to initiate contact with my kids....and the last time I spoke to her, she said "Some other time" and hung up. Now, comes the part I am having a hard time with.....She calls me when she is drinking and cries and goes on about how she is confused, her mind is messed up...she thinks about me all day...." and this kinda gets me thinking that she is having a change of heart...she doesn't want this to happen...maybe there is hope!!....YES!....but....the next day..."There's nothing to talk about" "I had too much to drink" "Some other time"....and BANG!....I fall right back down that pit again..... Is she trying to make me feel bad for her, so she can feel better about herself? Does she really, deep inside, want this to stop...to get back together? (Your true feelings are exposed after a bit of alcohol, so I've been told) Is she feeling guilty about tossing me out on my ass and this is her way of making herself feel better? She is toying with my emotions here, big time....Do I tell her not to call me when she is drinking? Would that ruin any chance of reconciliation? Do I really want her back? Can I ever trust her again?.....AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Nomad1 Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 S and H it > It stops right here! If it is the same guy she screwed 8 years ago, the chances are he has been riding her for the past 8 years! Are you sure those kids are biologically yours? Look, you are going to go around in circles. Why not stop it right here. No more contact whatsoever. Get the kids mobile phones and communicate with them directly. File for divorce yesterday. Why did you move out of your home? Cut your losses. Stop analysing her actions. The answer is straightforward....she wanted you out of the way to bang Joe. Let her have Joe man. Be decisive. Cut it right here. The measure of your strength of character is how you detach completely. Tell the children that you are not interested in who stays or visits their mum. Start looking after you! It's not easy, but you are a strong man. Summon that inner strength you have. Rise to the challenge! Good luck my man! Nomad1
cyabye Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 It's time to put the trash on the sidewalk where it belongs. Get back into your house and file for divorce. Wait for the other ole' hands to chime in here.
Molley Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 Hi Single, I'm so sorry to hear everything you are going through. This is just awful and I do know how you feel. After a 14 year marriage and 18 years together, my H said he was unhappy and then I discovered he was having an affair. After months of trying to work it out, I tossed him out for the 2nd time last week. It's hell trying to get your life together again. But, as many here will tell you... take care of yourself, that's most important and make sure your kids are ok. Also... I would have her move out of the house, not you. She's the cheater, she needs to be the uncomfortable one. Move back in, make sure the children are okay, and then get her the heck out... don't help her, she needs to do this on her own. If she isn't willing to stop seeing her "new friend Joe" then she has no right to be in the home. She needs to go someplace and start thinking through her life. If she doesn't want to stay with you and the marriage, then in the long run it's better for you because you'll be able to be truly happy and when you are ready, to find someone who will love you, who will enjoy being with you and who will not try destroy you. I noticed that once I got my WH out of the house, I started to feel much better about my situation, he was gone, his toxic air was gone and I could start breathing and thinking. These last 4 1/2 months have been a roller coaster ride for me, but I have to say.... this last week, with him out of the house, I no longer had to worry about my WH, he was no longer my responsibility. I started feeling better, I was able to really focus on my own needs. Yes, it's still hell at times, but it gets better every single day. And remember, you need to take control of your life, start taking steps to not allow your WW to control your life, she needs to know you'll be just GREAT without her and that way... she'll think you are a stronger man. Be kind to yourself, show yourself some Grace.
mark982 Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 quit answering the phone when she's drunk(who's watching the kids when she's drunk) you're just have to give her a dose of reality. seperate your accts,cancel your cc cards, is om married? if so contact his wife. the whole object is now to make her life hard.
Author Single and hating it Posted August 9, 2009 Author Posted August 9, 2009 Just to straighten out a few things.....Yes, Nomad, I am sure they are my kids....my youngest is nine and she never met the first guy until 8 years ago.....and the guy she is with now is not the same guy...I was just quite surprised to see the original cheat on her Facebook friends list....but the guy she is with now is not the same guy.... Why did I move out? Well....I thought, stupidly, that I would go because she would have taken the kids if she left....and they didn't ask for this so I thought it would be better for them if they stayed in their "home".....looking back now though, I should have stayed where I was and told her to go...if that's what she wanted....but, hindsight is 20/20, huh? Besides....she makes more money than I do and I could never afford the house alone anyway.....but....since the divorce is 99% inevitable, she can buy out my half or sell it and we split it....and, I just found out the other day, that since she is the higher wage earner, i will get part of her Canada Pension Plan..(HA!...she'll be paying for life!!)..and half of her pension fund from work....so, at the value the house is now, and her pension from work, I stand to haul in about $45,000.00......Pretty expensive for her....good for me....Maybe Joe makes good money and can rescue her....oh well....ya reap what ya sew, baby...... Thanks for all your opinions, guys....I'll keep posting as long as I am not boring anyone to death....because, hey, I'm not the first or the last that this is happening to.....you folks have your own crap to deal with....but it sure feels good to get some of this of my chest!!
seibert253 Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 why in the hell did you move out? Why? Move back into your house right NOW. She wants you out just so she can act like she's been since you've been gone. Show up with bags and announce, "I'M BACKKKK". F$ck her and what she thinks. Oh, and if you haven't, I think EVERYONE needs to know what she's been doing. Does the OM have a wife/girlfriend? I bet she'd be interested in what's going on. Her friends, family, coworkers, I bet everyone will be interested in what you have to say. No more Mr. NiceGuy.
LisaUk Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 Just to straighten out a few things.....Yes, Nomad, I am sure they are my kids....my youngest is nine and she never met the first guy until 8 years ago.....and the guy she is with now is not the same guy...I was just quite surprised to see the original cheat on her Facebook friends list....but the guy she is with now is not the same guy.... Why did I move out? Well....I thought, stupidly, that I would go because she would have taken the kids if she left....and they didn't ask for this so I thought it would be better for them if they stayed in their "home".....looking back now though, I should have stayed where I was and told her to go...if that's what she wanted....but, hindsight is 20/20, huh? Besides....she makes more money than I do and I could never afford the house alone anyway.....but....since the divorce is 99% inevitable, she can buy out my half or sell it and we split it....and, I just found out the other day, that since she is the higher wage earner, i will get part of her Canada Pension Plan..(HA!...she'll be paying for life!!)..and half of her pension fund from work....so, at the value the house is now, and her pension from work, I stand to haul in about $45,000.00......Pretty expensive for her....good for me....Maybe Joe makes good money and can rescue her....oh well....ya reap what ya sew, baby...... Thanks for all your opinions, guys....I'll keep posting as long as I am not boring anyone to death....because, hey, I'm not the first or the last that this is happening to.....you folks have your own crap to deal with....but it sure feels good to get some of this of my chest!! You post away, we are all in this together. I can't beleive this, how dare she chaet on you, TWICE! I know you are hurting now, one day you will see what a lucky escape you have had. I'm so sorry she did this to you.
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