brightskies Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 Hi Folks, Just wanted to share a blog post I found on http://www.geekandfather.com. It's long but hopefully you'll find it worthwhile: "Fighting for Your Relationship." I’ve seen it more than I care to think of. Especially lately. People are together, and then they are not. Maybe I’m naïve. Maybe I’m a romantic. But when I said “till death do us part,” I meant it. I’m not talking about our wedding. That’s merely a ceremony. An event. A celebration. A party. I told the woman I love that I would always be there for her. Period. The rings make it public. The wedding dress and tuxedo made it fancy and formal. But what made it official was the fact that I said it, I promised it, and I meant it. Maybe the problem with marriage today isn’t too many divorces. Maybe there are too many marriages. Too many promises. Too many commitments. It’s not that people take the marriage too lightly --- it’s that they take the commitment too lightly. Forever is a long time. If you are not sure about forever, don’t say forever. If you are having second thoughts before a wedding, maybe you should just run away. A commitment is something you are sure of. If you are not sure, you are not committed. You are just taking a test drive. In the end, it’s really just a matter of priorities. Ask yourself: What is most important to you? If your marriage isn’t right there at the top, you are doing something wrong. If your first thought is “career,” your life is out of whack. If you think “money,” you are destined to be sad for forever. If you think “my children,” well … you’re a parent. Careers will come and go. Money will come and go. They should be the background, the accents, the accessories of your life, not the driving force behind it. This is another obvious failing of the education system. You can get a full-fledged “classical education.” You can waste years of your life learning how to analyze stories written hundreds of years ago. But you will not be given a single day of instruction about the true useful realities of life. These misconceptions aren’t a new concept, either. It’s old news: Men get married expecting their wives to never change.Women get married expecting to change their husbands into what they want.Men get married thinking they’ll get lots of sex forever.Women get married thinking they won’t have to give out so much sex.Men get married thinking they’ll get babied as much as they were by their mothers.Women get married thinking they’ll be protected as well as they were by their fathers.Men get married thinking their social life won’t change at all.Women get married thinking their husbands will never go out again. Sure, they are generalizations. Sure, you don’t think any of them apply to you. But, without a doubt, the ones who don’t last had a bunch of these apply to them. Those that do last know the truth: People change. It’s OK. Roll with it.Sex goes up and down in waves. It’s OK. Roll with it.You didn’t marry your parents. It’s OK. Roll with it.You can still have friends, and, if you truly did it right, you married your best friend. Why can’t we be taught this? Did you ever take a test on this? How about some of those other basic rules: Communicate. Talk. Speak. Say things. If you have a problem, tell them. If you are proud of them, tell them. If you are sad, tell them. If you are happy, tell them. If you are thankful, tell them. If you are horny, tell them. If they smell good, tell them. If they smell bad, tell them. If you don’t feel comfortable having these kinds of conversations, if you can’t bear to say “thank you” or “nice job” or “you look sexy” or “you need a shower” or “you are acting like a jerk,” then you shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. Just speak. Say it. SAY IT! Screw. Boink. Have sex. Make whoopy. Dance the horizontal mambo. Nix the excuses. You weren’t too tired to watch Letterman. You weren’t too tired to mow the yard. You weren’t too tired to do the dishes. Let the grass grow a little. The dishes will still be there in the morning. Tivo Letterman --- he’d approve. Do what married people are supposed to do. To hell with the religious taboos. Be kinky. Have fun. Try anything. Try everything. The bible is no longer relevant when you are alone in the bedroom. If God didn’t want you do it, he (or she or it) wouldn’t have made it feel so good. Just do it. If it’s boring, you are doing something very very wrong. Read a sex-ed book. Try a new position. When a couple stop having sex, they become merely roommates. It’s just wrong. Be affectionate. This is a combination of the two previous rules. Hold hands. Kiss in public. Big hugs. Hugs in the morning. Hugs in the evening. Big, wet, sloppy kisses for no reason whatsoever. Say “I love you.” A lot. And mean it. Make eye contact like you are meeting all over again. You’ve done it all before. There’s no reason you can’t do it again. We’ve all heard these things. Of course, you don’t usually hear them except in reference to a marriage that’s in trouble. “Things you do to fix what’s wrong.” “Ways to mend a marriage.” “How to save your relationship.” Here’s an idea. Do it anyway. When nothing is wrong. Just cuz. You should want to talk, shouldn’t you? You should want sex, shouldn’t you? You should want affection, shouldn’t you? A relationship takes work. It’s something you should always be trying to make better. It’s not something to coast on. It’s not something to take lightly. It’s not something to take for granted. More than anything else, it’s something worth fighting for. If something isn’t working, fight to make it better. If you aren’t communicating, fight to break down the walls. Tear them down. Blow them up. Crush them with unyielding, never ending force. Don’t give up. Even a horrible, screaming, crying fight is better than passive nothingness. People who are fighting are at least trying. People who are ignoring and avoiding each other are just waiting for the inevitable. If you aren’t having sex … have sex. If you’re not in the mood…get in the mood. If you’re tired … suck it up. Without getting graphic, you can be “giving” without breaking into a sweat. If you are in such bad shape you can’t get through one session, work out together. People in good shape have more sex. Period. If you aren’t getting what you want out of it, tell the other person. Don’t be a wimp. Don’t get hurt if they suggest something different to you. Don’t get offended if they want something other than the missionary position. Have fun. I’m not going to say fight for sex. That could be bad. Unless you’re a girl. Then it might just be kinky. You never know. If you aren’t being affectionate --- get over it. Make an effort. Stop being the tough guy. Stop being the frightened little girl. Who cares if people watch? Who cares if you make other unaffectionate people uncomfortable? Just do it. Right in the middle of the street. Bend her backwards, kiss her mouth, grab her butt. You’re adults. You’re allowed. To hell with anybody else if they can’t handle it. Fight the crowds. Fight the discomfort. Free yourself. You’ll feel better. It’s worth it. Lastly, stop running. Stop going on all those business trips. Stop running. Stop taking all those “guy’s weekends” and “girl’s weekends” when you haven’t had an “us weekend.” Stop running. Stop working all day and all night. Stop running. Stop shopping around all day and all night. Stop running. Stop doing your crafts. Stop running. Stop going to the bar. Stop running. Stop leaving to go to the gym. Stop running. Stop volunteering for every good cause under the sun. Stop running. Stop trucking your kids to every single possible activity. Stop running. Just stop it. All those activities are all well and good. But stop. Every once in a while, stop. Just stop. Sit down. Have a nice dinner together. Talk like friends. Sit and stare at the clouds. Together. Take a moment. Take two. I know a lot of you say you can’t. I know you. I’ve seen you. You’re the “I can’t sit still” people. You’re the “I don’t have time” people. You’re the “I’ll pass out if I stop” people. You’re the “I have too much to do” people. You’re the “I’ll be affectionate when things calm down” people. You’re the “I’ve just got a strong work ethic” people. You’re the “The kids take too much work” people. You know who you are. They are all excuses and you know it. You are running. Running from your thoughts. Running from relationship. Running from your life. Just STOP. Sit. Talk. Be with the one you're with. Fight your urge to run. Stop with the “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” crap. Stop it. Try harder. It’s weak to give up. Don’t be lazy. Be strong. Fight. Fight for the one you love. Even if it means fighting yourself. P.S. Yes, I’m qualified. 15 years. Not one night on the couch --- for either of us. Until last week, when I was sent out of town for a week of training, my wife and I hadn’t spent more than two nights apart --- in fifteen years. Yes, I’ve worked long hours. Yes, I’ve told work to go to hell. Yes, we’ve had money problems. Yes, we’ve had money successes. Yes, we have children. Yes, we’ve had good times. Yes, we’ve had bad times. Yes, we take “us weekends.” Yes, we fight. Yes, we make up. Yes, we have lots of sex. Yes, I kiss her in public. Yes, I’m always trying harder. Yes, I’m qualified to call you a wuss. I fought for it. ------------------------------------------ Source: http://geekandfather.com/blog/?p=53
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 Great article! I knew someone who got married and said, "I thought I would try it for a couple of years". Yikes!! That's their attitude? Good luck when things get tough! Turns out he has remained married for many years, but still.
Author brightskies Posted August 15, 2009 Author Posted August 15, 2009 Hi Cherry, Maybe he was kidding when he said it? Good for them on staying together --- is it a happy marriage? Hi Leap, Glad you think so! The blogger was talking about "fighting for your relationship" in a married sense, but I think it definitely applies to dating exclusively also. I like how he emphasizes that we shouldn't wait to "try" only when things go wrong, that a good rel'ship takes consistent maintenance.
Trialbyfire Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 I agree and disagree with it. Bottom line if you have to "fight for your relationship" on a consistent basis, you've married the wrong person. Also, not only is marriage held together with love and romance, it's also held together with pragmatism and IMO, a surprising amount of individualism. People don't need to be consumed by their marriage.
CLC2008 Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zsIZrtr-iqs&NR=1&feature=fvwp
Soul Bear Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 Great article! I knew someone who got married and said, "I thought I would try it for a couple of years". Yikes!! That's their attitude? Good luck when things get tough! Turns out he has remained married for many years, but still. woa.....
Soul Bear Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 I agree and disagree with it. Bottom line if you have to "fight for your relationship" on a consistent basis, you've married the wrong person. Also, not only is marriage held together with love and romance, it's also held together with pragmatism and IMO, a surprising amount of individualism. People don't need to be consumed by their marriage. Pragmatism I think plays a VERY important part, and you're spot on. Individualism also. OP- Very good post. You are running. Running from your thoughts. Running from relationship. Running from your life. Just STOP. Sit. Talk. Be with the one you're with. Fight your urge to run. Stop with the “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” crap. Stop it. Try harder. It’s weak to give up. Don’t be lazy. Be strong. Fight. Fight for the one you love. Even if it means fighting yourself. Most of the time people are weak and run. It's a shame, and I can say first hand that i have had this pattern of thought (except the ILYBNILWY)....she obviously didn't. life moves on for the better when things happen out-with your own control...imagine 2 people who felt equally for each other and both felt this on a consistent basis, when the chips are down?.... That would be one hell of a strong relationship... Can't wait
Author brightskies Posted August 16, 2009 Author Posted August 16, 2009 Hi TBF, Good point on pragmatism and indivdualism. The "fighting for" bit is, I think, more about prioritizing and putting in the effort and less about struggling through the rel'ship. I can see how a good relationship shouldn't always be so difficult, but prioritizing your partner and showing this does count for a lot. It's all too easy to become complacent over time. I agree and disagree with it. Bottom line if you have to "fight for your relationship" on a consistent basis, you've married the wrong person. Also, not only is marriage held together with love and romance, it's also held together with pragmatism and IMO, a surprising amount of individualism. People don't need to be consumed by their marriage.
Author brightskies Posted August 16, 2009 Author Posted August 16, 2009 Very cute! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zsIZrtr-iqs&NR=1&feature=fvwp
Author brightskies Posted August 16, 2009 Author Posted August 16, 2009 TBF, P.S. If that's you in your avatar I hope that your man's keeping you happy 'cause he'd be stupid to lose you!
Author brightskies Posted August 16, 2009 Author Posted August 16, 2009 Soulbear, Do you mean that you were holding onto her or she was holding onto you? You see a lot about your partner's level of commitment when the chips're down. Most of the time people are weak and run. It's a shame, and I can say first hand that i have had this pattern of thought (except the ILYBNILWY)....she obviously didn't. life moves on for the better when things happen out-with your own control...imagine 2 people who felt equally for each other and both felt this on a consistent basis, when the chips are down?.... That would be one hell of a strong relationship... Can't wait
Soul Bear Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 Bright Skies- I held on through thick and thin. So did she for 4 years....occasionaly lol Next one's gonna be a cracker!!
Author brightskies Posted August 16, 2009 Author Posted August 16, 2009 Through thick and thin: good for you! Your next lady'll be very lucky indeed!
Trialbyfire Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 TBF, P.S. If that's you in your avatar I hope that your man's keeping you happy 'cause he'd be stupid to lose you!Yes it's me and thanks, we keep each other happy.
WTRanger Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 This is a great post! If and only if you and your partner are willing to fight for it. If you are willing to fight and your partner is basically dead weight, you end up fighting a one sided battle. Think of it as Ray Charles driving the world's most expensive car through the world's most difficult obstacle course. At some point in the fighting you have to know when to retreat as well. Every good fighter knows when to throw in the towel. It's like winning a nuclear war. Sure, you may have won. But what's left to go home to?
Author brightskies Posted August 17, 2009 Author Posted August 17, 2009 Hi WTRanger, So true -- there needs to be a mutual commitment/investment --- how do you inspire your partner to stay optimistic when things are rough? I've found that if we're both invested, at least one of us has to be confident that things'll work out. It helps the other get out of the funk. It's good to take turns.
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