air123 Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 First Time poster, I was wondering if I could get some advice from you guys on here.... Here is the situation (long story)..... I started dating this girl back in Jan 2008 and we dated with no problem until she decided that she didn't want a serious relationship and broke up with me in April 2008. She has said that I was the best boyfriend she has had and we are still friends. She said that we might have a shot together in the future, once she does some growing up. Since then she dated one guy for 11 months with more breaks and no real emotion in the relationship. About 3 months ago she started dating this guy that she said she really likes and does not want mess it up. Since that relationship I dated this one girl for about 12 months that ended up not working out - ended about 3 months ago. We are still friends. During this relationship it helped me realize what I wanted in a partner. Now here is the problem..... I had one of my bi-monthly coffees / lunches with the original girl today and I realized that I still have strong feelings for her. I also realized that she has most (if not all) of the qualities I am looking for in a partner. I also feel she has grown up a great deal. How do I approach this with her and possibly get her back as my partner? I do not want to ruin our friendship......... Please help! Thanks everyone Mods please move this if you think it would fit better in a different board.
Ronni_W Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 If you want to try to win her back as your ROMANTIC partner, then you will somehow have to get okay with the idea of letting go of your PLATONIC friendship. It's one OR the other because the two are mutually exclusive. The idea-thought-desire that you can "try for" one and not put the other one at risk is NOT realistic. It's not about "ruining" the platonic (although that is one possible outcome), it is about CHANGING the platonic into a romantic. Too many, it seems, are willing to "settle for" platonic when they can't have the type of relationship that they REALLY want with whatever person. The problem with that decision is that, when you WANT romantic, platonic is a very poor substitute. You'll just doom yourself to constantly feel unfulfilled, disappointed, frustrated...and you'll have to keep pretending that you're feeling fine and happy. It's all very superficial, dishonest and inauthentic. My suggestion is to be open and direct with her. Ask if she's thought about it; if she can even envision the possibility. Ask what, if anything, she'll need in order to become interested in a second chance. Find out if there is anything that could inspire her in the direction of your heart's desire. If not, THEN you can make decisions about if and how YOU will "survive" and cope with a platonic relationship with her. Good luck -- I love a long-term happy ending to a 'second chance' story (though there are precious few of those) -- but maybe Cupid will be on your side
hoping2heal Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 Okay, I need to make sure I understand this properly. Is she still with the guy she told you she didn't want to mess things up with?
CaliGuy Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 First Time poster, I was wondering if I could get some advice from you guys on here.... Here is the situation (long story)..... I started dating this girl back in Jan 2008 and we dated with no problem until she decided that she didn't want a serious relationship and broke up with me in April 2008. She has said that I was the best boyfriend she has had and we are still friends. She said that we might have a shot together in the future, once she does some growing up. Since then she dated one guy for 11 months with more breaks and no real emotion in the relationship. About 3 months ago she started dating this guy that she said she really likes and does not want mess it up. Since that relationship I dated this one girl for about 12 months that ended up not working out - ended about 3 months ago. We are still friends. During this relationship it helped me realize what I wanted in a partner. Now here is the problem..... I had one of my bi-monthly coffees / lunches with the original girl today and I realized that I still have strong feelings for her. I also realized that she has most (if not all) of the qualities I am looking for in a partner. I also feel she has grown up a great deal. How do I approach this with her and possibly get her back as my partner? I do not want to ruin our friendship......... Please help! Thanks everyone Mods please move this if you think it would fit better in a different board. You don't. You can hang out with her, be her friend if you want and see if she comes around. If I were you though, I would keep dating till you find someone else. If she really wanted to be with you, she would be. She wouldn't be dating someone else.
manaja Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 You don't. You can hang out with her, be her friend if you want and see if she comes around. If I were you though, I would keep dating till you find someone else. If she really wanted to be with you, she would be. She wouldn't be dating someone else. very true..."she wouldnt be dating sum one else ".....I wouldnt even bother meeting up for coffees and lunch...your always bonded, unless you have children, then to me theres no point in keeping links with an ex.
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