MixedMinh Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 Hello everybody, I was also just recently dumped in maybe my 3rd serious relationship. This one lasted 4 years and this specific relationship it is the 3rd time we have broken up. Unfortunately, every time it was her breaking up. The break-ups never really lasted more than a month tops, but this time she seems very determined to follow through, or at least she wants me to feel that way. Her reasons for breaking up with me are due to being "unhappy" and possibly "incompatible". These reasons she gave me may be true, but I honestly think what is contributing to her unhappiness is her situation in life right now (broke, not going very far in life, stuck in an everyday cycle). As for the incompatibility reason, I think she comes to that conclusion because we disagree on many topics, but never anything too serious. Anyhow, my reason for posting this entry is because I'm so confused as to if things could ever work out between us. I'm 24 years old, she is also 24 years old. I have never been this deeply in love before, although I thought I was in love twice before. We have overcome many struggles that most relationships would fall apart from, which at first I thought was terrible for the relationship, but somehow thereafter it felt like it only strengthened our relationship to the point where I felt we could overcome anything. I have no doubt that she loves me, she shows such pain, jealousy, and sheds tears like i've never seen, it seems so genuine. She made the decision to end our relationship, but like I stated previously, this has happened before. We have lived together 90% of our relationship and I am moving out per her request today, she has also been away for a week. I would not be surprised if she is afraid of a life-long relationship as it may seem scary to most people, but I'm very fragile and heartbroken every time she does this. I am also the type of guy who is easily manipulated as I am vulnerable and wear my heart on my sleeve, which may be a bad quality of mine. I have done nothing but sacrifice for her, supported her, and taken care of her the majority of the relationship. I obviously don't even know if she would want me back, but I'm just assuming that after time passes a day will come where she may eventually regret this decision, because I have only seen how happy we have been together. I just don't want to take her back for the wrong reasons if that day comes. She is a very confusing girl, as she has shown much jealousy in the past couple days over female friends of mine but at the same time she was the one who wanted to end our relationship. I don't understand why life is so complicated, haha. I already went through the desperation aspects immediately following the breakup where I cried hysterically and asked her to reconsider, i felt it was necessary to lay my feelings on the line completely before attempting to move on. At this point in time, unfortunately for me, she believes she has complete control over me and could take me back with a simple change in decision, i've shown nothing but weakness (huge mistake) but I am now at the state where I am very frustrated/annoyed with my feelings being toyed with. I am a very genuine person and I have done nothing to deserve this. I will be trying my best to keep myself occupied with friends and meeting new people but I know for a fact if we stop communication completely for at least a month some type of dramatic phone call will occur. Anyone who wants to add feedback or advice feel free. I'm at a loss as to what to do. Thanks.
Excellent Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 You sacrifice more or less everything for her, you do everything for her. Not because you feel you have to, but because you WANT to, right? Because you like to give everything. And then she leaves, and you feel like a doormat, but you love her so much that you are willing to sacrifice your own well being for her? If so, that sound much like myself. And i can tell you right now, the more the thought of her toying with you festers, the sooner it will turn into hatred. And that is a feeling you really won't like. Cut her loose, and go NC. It's time to think about yourself, not her. You really don't want to start hating her.
NightLord1 Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 Of course she thinks she can have you back whenever she wants. If you guys broke up several times before and she was always the one being the dumper and then coming back around to get you back its now implanted in her brain that she has you whenever she wants. In such a situation you have to do only two things. No contact at all and if she comes back around again you tell her NO. Or...you challenge her to get you back. Don't play games or hard to get but don't be so available to her all the time and make her work for it. That could be why she broke up with you because you offered no challenge to her at all and she got bored. Many long term relationships end because of that fact it becomes a mundane thing like getting up and brushing your teeth in the morning. Of course this all depends on what you want. If you are done with her and want to move on then you just tell her next time she comes around your done with the relationship and you want to move on. If you want for whatever reason to try it again then try doing as I mentioned above. Your both young and have a lot of living left to do and young girls I am telling you do not respond well to guys that make themselves so available to them. They are young, full of energy, and know they can have a lot of different men if they wanted. Being a doormat=REJECTION. Regards,
Author MixedMinh Posted August 8, 2009 Author Posted August 8, 2009 Thanks, all of the advice sounds pretty solid. Of course I want a life with her now and probably even later on, but more importantly I want to be respected and I do not want somebody taking advantage of me. I think the whole "challenge" theory is pretty accurate as well, she knows how to control my emotions but if she weren't capable of having that control she might become weak herself. I assume NC is No Communication, I will definitely have to stick with that as best I can. I'm tired of being manipulated, but the way my personality is I think it's hard for someone not to take advantage of that, I need to build more self-respect so that women don't think they can take advantage of me.
hoping2heal Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 What was the reason given for her to break up with you?
Author MixedMinh Posted August 8, 2009 Author Posted August 8, 2009 She never gave me a specific reason, when I asked her why she wanted to break up she said that she was not happy anymore and that she felt like we were incompatible. Like someone posted earlier, she may have become bored due to the same everyday routine. She has been broke for over a year due to being jobless and I have been her entire support. She finally got a job two weeks ago so maybe she thinks its more "convenient" for her to end the relationship now that she has a chance to become more independent. At first, it seems like she doesn't really care anymore, but in reality, she cares a lot, because she is continuously jealous over female friends of mine recently and lets it be known. She tried making me feel guilty yesterday for hanging out with a girl although it was just a friend of mine. She wants to be single, and for me not to be with anyone else, I believe.
bolso4 Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 Listen man. Im in your exact boat. I slept under her hospital bed in a hall way for ****'s sakes. those bitches dont deserve guys like us. But it's ur 3rd long term relationship, you should probably know the main rule: NC , NC , NC. If the girl thinks she can have you back, it's over. You might as well scream: "Hey, please dont take me back ever" (while pissing yourself). You need time man. And in my experience, going out with friends doesnt help in your position. I know exactly how you feel: used, betrayed. As if you invested everything for nothing and were thrown aside. Dont depend on her calling you. If you show her you've moved on by going NC , she might call u again 1 day. (And i know that's what you want. It's hard. Where are you going to find your new love? Dont let that get to you. And 1 more thing. Think about your relationship. At this point, when a girl dumps you, guys 99% of the time tend to put them on a pedestal . I did too. Until I realized that my 2.5 year relationship was **** after the 3 month period. It was the version of her in the first 3 months that I kept clinging too. Were you really that happy?
bolso4 Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 Do not show her that she was "the one that got away". If she contacts you, say "NO". Itll drive her crazy. If you say yes, shell dump you within the month. And thatll kill you. 1 more thing. Our bodies are designed (evolution....efficient....for survival)...to adapt and re-adapt to new life scenarios. When you truly start to move on, itll feel like the first day of school. "What the hell do i do now?" Everything will feel weird. Youd prob even have forgotten to have fun. But in time (and im talking 1-2 weeks max), your body will start to love to be by itself. It'll prefer it. It will adapt. And you will forget her. Just make sure you get her back WHEN she calls back (in this day and age, it's hard not to contact anyone, even after a few years.) Best.
Author MixedMinh Posted August 9, 2009 Author Posted August 9, 2009 I appreciate your advice. The last 4 years were easily the happiest years in my life. But I'm also not vengeful. I do not wish her any pain or jealousy, just what she deserves. I'm no longer feeling desperate. I don't have a lot of trouble finding new girlfriends either but I don't really desire that at this time. Possibly when time passes I will want that. What I really would like, is for her to really figure out what she wants and realize what she has done, but at the same time I want myself to change where I keep my good qualities without letting girls manipulate me. It's almost like I can't open up too much and give too much to a woman without being too vulnerable. Hopefully as time goes by I can learn to become more independent where I'm looked at as a challenge instead of so easy going.
Danielle46 Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 I am in a somewhat similar situation...(I recently posted my own thread if you want to read my story)...Anyway, I know the healing process that you're enduring. I have spent many nights crying myself to sleep and breaking down out of nowhere just because his name crosses my mind. One thing I do suggest is being the strongest that you can be...stand on your own two feet. She is requesting time apart...give that to her. She wants to see what life would be like w/o you...show her that. Believe me, I know this is difficult...all you want to do is profess your love for her and convince her to do otherwise...but that wont work. All you do is provide, what I call a "band-aid" for the situation. The more that you contact her and tell her that you love her and want to be with her, the more she will become convinced that she has you wrapped around her finger. The fact of the matter is that she needs to see that you are fully capable of surviving with or without her in your life. It is obvious how you feel for her, and I have no doubt that she knows this. But YOU have to think about YOU...take care of YOU! It is a great idea to surround yourself with friends and family. Dont be scared of meeting new people. ( I am trying all of these things myself... I am completely crushed and want nothing more than to be back with my boyfriend, but I have also come to the understanding that I cannot cave in and be weak. I have to do for myself and teach myself that no matter what, life goes on and I will survive regardless of the outcome of this situation). It's important to remember that you are the only one in your life that you can constantly rely on. At this point, I recommend concentrating on yourself. That's why I'm doing... If your relationship is meant to be, then it will find a way of working itself out. I am a firm believer in the saying that "everything happens for a reason"...even if you don't get back together (also avoid being naive) you still benefit from the experience. It will make you a stronger individual and will help you learn what you will and won't tolerate in a relationship in general. I hope this helped a little. If you read my post and have any thoughts/comments, I would appreciate it.. Best of luck with everything, remember to always be strong!! :-)
JL911 Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 The best thing about this is you have resourses like this webpage to chat with others like us who are going through the same ****. I have been going no contact hoping that maybe it will help...Hoping she will realize something about me that was worth while... I tried begging and pleading and that just didnt work...I think I got my point across that I do care and do love her, but there is simply nothing left I can do...
waterrat Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Hmmm, sounds just like what I just went through. It is very difficult. Try doing an online search for "toxic People" and toxic relationships". This may or may not apply to you but by reading some of the articles that you find might help you make sense of all this. For me it was actually the case. Since I have found this info I cut her off totally and finally feel free. This is all about you now.
wowsers Posted August 15, 2009 Posted August 15, 2009 Man, I feel your pain... Really do. It's the 4th day for me that she left and like your situation, It wasn't the first time. The last time before this final time I was crying, acting like a complete crazy man. I mean, acting like a little girl in front of her, begging and telling her " no please baby, I will change" when I didn't do anything wrong. I REFUSE, SIMPLY REFUSE, to beg her again. Yes I do miss her and I'm going crazy crazy crazy now. But up to this day it has been NC. Well maybe not completely true, I have been checking her myspace page to see how many friends she has, (but as of right now I'm not going to do) but I haven't text her, called her, emailed her, seen her or anything. I must say though, everytime I read some of these great posts I get a boast and feel a little better. So please do what i'm doing and read and post and things start feeling better. Let's me and you make a deal. NO MORE CONTACTING THEM WHAT SO EVER. WE CAN DO IT! WE DESEVE BETTER!!!! Thank you all.
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