candywor Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 Its been four months since my bf and I broke up after dating 4.5 years, he told me that he did not want to get married. That night was the worst, because from December he said we would get engaged and told me to give him to April, when April came around he was still dragging his feet, no talk of engagement no engagement ring shopping. We finally set a date to go engagement ring shopping but I could sense his reluctance. So I kept questioning him do you want to get engaged to me or not, and he said no, he didn't see himself getting married. Since then he has called me only once to wish me happy birthday, he said he isnt happy but contented. He said he had no issues with me just the overall getting married and that he did love me. That was in July. I have been crying constantly for four months. Sometimes I would think I am ok then I would think why did he do that to me and start crying. I am at the point where I wanted us to move in together and have kids and move forward. Sometimes I feel like should I call him, is there something I can work out. I have had minimal contact with him, not calling trying to move on, but I can't stop the crying and sometimes I wonder if I pushed him too hard and if I should have try more to understand and if I should really try to make this relationship work. I am 29 and hes 34, but at the same time I feel like his not calling me is showing that even though he said he loves me he did not love me enough to want to spend the rest of his life with me, and why would I want something like that? Other times I feel maybe his issues with commitment is what is really holding him back and maybe that could be fixed with time. Since the breakup I have lost 15 pounds, gotten a new car, gotten involved with someone else doing anything to keep myself from going crazy. Its 4 months why am I still so depressed.
NightLord1 Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 If he didn't want to get married then that was his own choice and ya you couldn't change his mind no matter what you said or did. You could have pushed him too much but even if you didn't he knew that you wanted to get married and it would have come up eventually that he didn't and it would have led down the same road you wound up on anyway. Maybe you feel guilty for thinking you did push him...or maybe because you were together for so long your going to miss him for quite a while. Its not easy to move forward after you been with someone whom you thought you had a true future with. Only thing I can say is to remain NC and leave him be and see if maybe he changes his mind. Don't wait around for him but at the same time be patient and see what happens if he is the one who you truly feel you want to be with. Keep yourself busy, hang out with friends, do what you can to distract and busy yourself. Easier said then done I know but it really is the only thing you can do for now. Regards,
hoping2heal Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 There is nothing here to work out that is worth anything. You want seperate things, you are incompatible. If that weren't enough? He did something VERY cruel to you. Leading you to think he wanted to marry you and would propose to you, and then dropping the bomb on you that he never wants to get married. This jerk has NO love for you. NONE. You do not string someone along you love for your own BENEFIT, and let them down so severely. This guy needs a lessons in actions speak louder than words. You don't want to raise children, and invest a life with a man who doesn't love you or a man you cannot depend on. This guy is both of those dealbreakers. Why are you involved with someone else? You were together 4.5 years and you didn't just break up; you had your hopes raised to the ceiling, and then this man caused them to plummet; did this PURPOSELY. He INTENTIONALLY caused you this severe of hurt. Why is he still calling? Even just once? Why on earth would you answer the phone for this emotional manson? By that I mean, what he did to you emotionally was the equvillanet of physically butchering you, would you answer the door for Manson after he did that to you? Same with this guy.
Author candywor Posted August 9, 2009 Author Posted August 9, 2009 True he did let me down drastically. That reminds me of exactly how I felt that night and why I should be moving on. You are right, if he can do that to me now, what about when if we get married. Thanks for the insight
cypresa Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 I don't know candywor or hoping2 heal, if it is that black or white. true he shouldn't have strung you on - but these things are difficult. Many people find commitment hard. Love is never certain. we all go through ups and downs in long term relationships. I'm in the same situation as you - my long term ex couldn't commit to me - (i wanted us to move in together - he was happy with us the way we were - a deal-breaker for me really and i pushed him into making a decision and so he ended it.) You should read the book Make Up, don't break up. It basically suggests that lots of couples with one partner looking for more commitment - need to break up for the other partner to realise that what they had alll along and enables them to commit. Am i telling you this because is it what i am hoping for in my situation? Maybe. but somehow it gives me comfort that this happens to a lot of people and some people work it out. If they have enough feelings for each other. The way i see it is: We're in a win/win situation. If they truly love us they will realise this when they are without us and come back fully commited. If they don't truly love us then they won't. Which is good because we don't want to be with someone who doesn't truly love us in the way we need them to (and be strung along for years). Does this make sense? and does this help at all?
hoping2heal Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 I don't know candywor or hoping2 heal, if it is that black or white. true he shouldn't have strung you on - but these things are difficult. Many people find commitment hard. Love is never certain. we all go through ups and downs in long term relationships. I'm in the same situation as you - my long term ex couldn't commit to me - (i wanted us to move in together - he was happy with us the way we were - a deal-breaker for me really and i pushed him into making a decision and so he ended it.) You should read the book Make Up, don't break up. It basically suggests that lots of couples with one partner looking for more commitment - need to break up for the other partner to realise that what they had alll along and enables them to commit. Am i telling you this because is it what i am hoping for in my situation? Maybe. but somehow it gives me comfort that this happens to a lot of people and some people work it out. If they have enough feelings for each other. The way i see it is: We're in a win/win situation. If they truly love us they will realise this when they are without us and come back fully commited. If they don't truly love us then they won't. Which is good because we don't want to be with someone who doesn't truly love us in the way we need them to (and be strung along for years). Does this make sense? and does this help at all? This situation IS black and white. The only gray in this, is the one your emotions create, that is it. Nothing more, nothing less.When you have true love and respect for a person, you never and I mean NEVER lead them on for several months with the hopes of something you know is important to them; after they have given you 4 years of their life. You NEVER love someone, and lie to them every single day for several months, because at the time it is more convinient FOR YOU. That is NOT how you should treat your friends, let alone your boyfriend or girlfriend. Everything you're talking, I'm sorry is emotions. I understand emotions can seem real, but they are a smoke screen. They are a virtual reality, it seems real when you look at the world through the eyes of your emotions, but what you see; and what is are two different realities. Actions are what matter. ACTIONS, ACTIONS, ACTIONS. We are not what we say, we are what we do. She doesn't need to go NC, and wait to see if this guy comes back in her life as a sign he loves her; no he has already done enough to show he doesn't love her. He did what was convinient and easy for him at the time, nothing more and nothing less. As for your books you suggest? I find them to be a load of crap, they play on human behavior but they do not guarantee long term success. I can tell you now, that anyone who is willing to pull this kind of balogna after four years together is not dependable, and not going to cut it in the long haul. Also, there is something very wrong in a relationship if you need to break up in order to be comitted, very wrong. Breaking up and getting back together won't fix what was wrong to begin with either, it will only gloss over it for a temporary amount of time.
cypresa Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 Hoping2 heal have you ever been in a long term relationship?? Then you must know that emotions are never black or white... people change over time too don't forget! There are only 2 certainties in life - death and taxes. Even if a someone commits to marriage and acts in the perfect way - it may not work out over time for other reasons... Love cannot be guaranteed. have you never been in a long term relationship and not had doubts? No relationship is perfect. They can be really hard work sometimes. We are human beings not robots. We don't all act or feel the same the whole time. We are not perfect! We make mistakes too. And Don't forget!!: Some people don't realise what they have until it's gone.
hoping2heal Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 Hoping2 heal have you ever been in a long term relationship?? Yes I have, more than once. In one now . Then you must know that emotions are never black or white... people change over time too don't forget! Agreed whole heartedly that emotions are never black and white. I had said emotions can be a grey area for people in situations that ARE black and white. People CAN change yes, but those are EXCEPTIONS and NOT the rule. There are only 2 certainties in life - death and taxes. Sure, I am guessing this has something to do with people changing. In which case, I might win the powerball some day too, but I'm not willing to give up my job and hold my breath over it. It COULD happen, yes it very well could but again; that would be an exception, not the rule. Exceptions most certainly exist, but very rarely. Even if a someone commits to marriage and acts in the perfect way - it may not work out over time for other reasons... Love cannot be guaranteed. There is no such thing as acting in a perfect way anyhow, unless you're doing just that ; acting. If you are doing everything you can to strengthen your bond with your partner, and maintain intimacy and be comitted to the relationship; so long as your partner is doing that also, I see no reason why it wouldn't work out over time. have you never been in a long term relationship and not had doubts? Yes I have. Doubts are one thing, actions and signs are an entirely different. One has a basis only in your mind, the latter has a basis in reality. No relationship is perfect. They can be really hard work sometimes. No argument from me there. We are human beings not robots. We don't all act or feel the same the whole time. We are not perfect! We make mistakes too. I agree that no one is perfect, we all make mistakes. But lying to someone every day, EVERY day for MONTHS straight and no less; lying about your level of comittment to the relationship, and setting someone up to plummet down an elevator shaft because you know how much something means to them? That's not a mistake. That's poor charachter. And Don't forget!!: Some people don't realise what they have until it's gone. This is true. My ex "didn't realise what he had until it was gone" unfortunately for him I'd wisened up. I refused to let someone back in my life who had once mind screwed me as badly as he did, and put me through so much pain for his own comfort. That is not any kind of man I want for a husband or fathering my children. I also suspect most of these people that come peddling back in because they realise what they lost? Still never have changed one damn iota and the minute they had you back, it would be the same BS all over again in enough time.
cypresa Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 I do agree with you to a certain extent. What you're saying has a lot of truth in it. But all i think i wanted to point out is that his behavour may come across as lying to you, but perhaps he just wasn't 100% sure. And that may seem awful to you (that indecision) - but sometimes when you're not sure - - you say things to make the other person happy. It's not in anyone's best interest in the long run for sure! but i think people say these things so it doesn't rock the boat - they put off the decision because they are actually quite content. I'm not defending his behavour - just trying to understand why. Because i think alot of people do this. Sometimes there is no deliberate deceit. In fact sometimes people say things to make everything seem ok again. Taking stock and making big massive life changing decisions (like marriage ) is a really hard thing to do, a lot of people like to just put their heads in the sand - not nice for the other person - maybe a sign of weakness - but it is so hard to make a decision you know will hurt someone terribly in the end. Even worse when you care deeply for them. And 10 times worse when you are not sure - that you fear you could be making the wrong decision. It is for this reason (that sometimes people make the wrong decision when backed into a corner, the pressure is too much!) - that occasionly a break-up is good for some couples. They realise what is important in their lives. That there is no one else that matches up. They realise the value of what they had and that realisation is enough to make a huge change in a person. Without that overbearing pressure, they find that they can then commit. I do, of course, realise that will not happen in most instances. But i really think it happens quite a bit. I have countless friends who have broken up with their partners only to have them get back together and make lifetime commitments.
Girlygirl1977 Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 Yes I have, more than once. In one now . Agreed whole heartedly that emotions are never black and white. I had said emotions can be a grey area for people in situations that ARE black and white. People CAN change yes, but those are EXCEPTIONS and NOT the rule. Sure, I am guessing this has something to do with people changing. In which case, I might win the powerball some day too, but I'm not willing to give up my job and hold my breath over it. It COULD happen, yes it very well could but again; that would be an exception, not the rule. Exceptions most certainly exist, but very rarely. There is no such thing as acting in a perfect way anyhow, unless you're doing just that ; acting. If you are doing everything you can to strengthen your bond with your partner, and maintain intimacy and be comitted to the relationship; so long as your partner is doing that also, I see no reason why it wouldn't work out over time. Yes I have. Doubts are one thing, actions and signs are an entirely different. One has a basis only in your mind, the latter has a basis in reality. No argument from me there. I agree that no one is perfect, we all make mistakes. But lying to someone every day, EVERY day for MONTHS straight and no less; lying about your level of comittment to the relationship, and setting someone up to plummet down an elevator shaft because you know how much something means to them? That's not a mistake. That's poor charachter. This is true. My ex "didn't realise what he had until it was gone" unfortunately for him I'd wisened up. I refused to let someone back in my life who had once mind screwed me as badly as he did, and put me through so much pain for his own comfort. That is not any kind of man I want for a husband or fathering my children. I also suspect most of these people that come peddling back in because they realise what they lost? Still never have changed one damn iota and the minute they had you back, it would be the same BS all over again in enough time. Hoping 2 heal I very much enjoy reading your advice however I do notice that whenever there is a break or breakup, you are certain the other person is not worth it. I agree to a certain extent but I do think your answers are nearly always the same. I know people who are married and in serious relationships and in talking to them, I learned that many of them had an episode of a break or breakup before they reached their later stages. So I just want to point that out. How old are you as well? I think I noticed you are 24 on another posting you had? I dont say this is a problem, but just that perhaps you don't have many examples of such situations in your life? Again, I think you are great and provide generally helpful advice and you are there for a lot of people which is really commendable. I just noticed a pattern and wanted to mention some things I've seen. I am in my early 30s. I have a few examples but one with my brother who is 2 yrs younger. He dated his gf for 6yrs at the time and then broke up b/c he didn't want to commit. They were broken up for one year and then got back together and are now engaged. These things happen and people can be uncertain and then grow etc.
leap83 Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 Candy, I have a couple of questions for you. 1. Do you trust him? 2. Have you asked him what does he want/see? 3. Have you asked him if he wants a future with you? (not now, but in general) I think the above points are important. Communication between 2 people is the most important thing in the whole world. Yes... You're feeling hurt. But, what if he does really love you, wants to be with you, but is not ready to marry right now? It happens. Have you sat down and talked with him about this? You can't do anything through phone because you can't see his body language. Yes. Some men are able to cover up their lies, but majority of them, you can clearly tell when they're lying. Also, men have this tendency to not pick the right words - example: "I don't think we're going to work in the long haul" vs. "I don't think that right now if we stayed together we're going to work in the long haul." Get the difference between the 2? They sometimes say things but then if you listen to them later on, they say them right (the first sentence compared to the second is far worse...). So, how about you take some time, think about yourself... Are you being pushy? Are you pressuring him? How would you feel if that was the case with you? Put yourself in his shoes. Then meet in person and talk it out. If after talking with him, you still think he has let you down, then walk away - no regrets. If not, then you know what to do. All I'm saying is that you listen. Men and women are different creatures. As much as we believe men don't go through the same things as women, it is not true. We all go through same things, but men have a different way to go through them. Hope that helped a little bit.
leap83 Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 Btw... I've been in a 4 yr relationship and it takes longer than 4 months to get over it. It took me about a year. I'm not saying it's like that for everyone... but only recently did I reach that 99.99% of "I wish him all the best. Don't mind being friends with him".
DSM-IV Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 Hoping 2 heal ... I do notice that whenever there is a break or breakup, you are certain the other person is not worth it. I agree to a certain extent but I do think your answers are nearly always the same. This is a fact. And this is why I question hopings advice. She is putting too much of her own experience and hurt, into other peoples advice. Hoping, how would you like to answer me some very specific questions about your life, as well as relationships. Rest assured, I know what I'm doing.
Girlygirl1977 Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 This is a fact. And this is why I question hopings advice. She is putting too much of her own experience and hurt, into other peoples advice. Hoping, how would you like to answer me some very specific questions about your life, as well as relationships. Rest assured, I know what I'm doing. I just want people to be aware that we do get some very good advice, including that of Hoping 2 Heal but it would be important to keep in mind the person's, age, relationship history, life experience etc. I have posted less here but enjoy reading it and so just wanted to comment so people are aware. We often don't know who is on the others side of the screen and should consider that (btw you can check out people's historic postings by hitting their name and going to statistics etc.). Still we really don't know as the internet provides a screen. It doesn't supplement for real life. The advisors I try to seek in real life are a neutral therapist who I trust (again I prefer older and married) or a person who is happily married. They have less bias and have proven how to work successfully within a committed marriage/relationship. It is less likely to find that on here as this site is biased towards people who have problems in their relationships.
cypresa Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 i think what is really great on this board is finding people who might be going through the same thing as you (and at the same stage of life) - reading about their worries and desires has been fantasticly helpful for me. And in realising that i'm not alone in going through this, it's not just me and it does happen to other people! Being 31, most of my friends are in very commitmed stable relationships - and i don't want to bore them with my sad story too much! thats why i come here to read about people who are in the same boat as me... I have been apart for 3 months now and it is still very hard. Chin up candy. I guess the thing that helps me now is reading posts from people like Leap83 and seeing that time really is a great healer.
bolso4 Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 this is interesting thread. does it take different amounts of time for the person who feels he/she did the dumping? Is it possible to "get over" a 3-4 year relationship in 5-6 days (or even 1 month) if you were the dumper? (even if both were very much in love?)
northstar1 Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 this is interesting thread. does it take different amounts of time for the person who feels he/she did the dumping? Is it possible to "get over" a 3-4 year relationship in 5-6 days (or even 1 month) if you were the dumper? (even if both were very much in love?) It depends on the person. There is no hard fast rule. If someone has been checking out of a relationship for a long time, by the time they actually do the dumping they are already mostly moved on. Ofcourse, they will not forget the person they loved, but sometimes they have already spent months emotionally withdrawing and talking to friends/family and convincing themselves that they are making the best decision, most of the work has been done by the time the breakup happens.
bolso4 Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 What if it was sudden, and either the girl or guy gets a new bf or gf? Does the new distraction make you by pass the grief 100%? *thanks for the answer btw
northstar1 Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 It may help distract them, but it's not healthy and usually those 'rebound' flings do not last. They are usualy just seeking attention and at some point they will have to process things. IF they are able to just jump from relationship to relationship then its possible they have deeper rooted issues anyways.
Author candywor Posted August 9, 2009 Author Posted August 9, 2009 In reply to Leap83, yes I trusted him. I have asked him if he saw a future with me and his reply has been yes. I think Cypresa was more correct in that he wasn't 100% sure, cause while he told me he saw me in his future he also told me he wasn't sure he was ready to get married, but he would be ready by April which is why we decided in April to get engaged. I felt though after dating for so long he should know if he wanted to be with me or not. I believe he did love me but now I question to what extent was his love for me. He was committed to me. We spend our weekends together, I never had reason to suspect he was cheating, he helped me do a lot of things, even go shopping with me, but I am at the stage where I wanted to move in together, start a family. We have broken up before and gotten back together, but I see this as very unhealthy. It wasn't a perfect relationship but I was happy. I did learn something though, getting involved with someone right away doesn't help for long. It only covers the emotions you feel, but they still come rushing back at random moments. There were times I were hanging out with the new guy and it was cool, and then I would go home and start crying. Not healthy. I guess I will see what happens. His birthday is this Saturday and I planned on ignoring it because it would hurt to text him and think oh maybe he is hanging out with his new gf, since it has been 4 months. He has told me he wasn't dating anyone when we talked that one time. Honestly what he did really hurt and cypresa I am in the same situation as you, most of my friends are committed. So pitiful when you start talking about how you feel while everyone thinks I should be over it. My friends are like move on. I barely bring it up anymore. Thanks for the advice, I guess time will tell.
hoping2heal Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 Hoping 2 heal I very much enjoy reading your advice however I do notice that whenever there is a break or breakup, you are certain the other person is not worth it. I agree to a certain extent but I do think your answers are nearly always the same. I know people who are married and in serious relationships and in talking to them, I learned that many of them had an episode of a break or breakup before they reached their later stages. So I just want to point that out. I think it's important to clear something up. No, I do not think all people who break up are worthless. Not by a long shot, unfortunately all of the situations I've read thus far; HAVE been with people I don't feel is worth it to reconcile for; and make no mistake; it isn't because they "Screwed up" or "made some errors". No, rather what I see, is people who are deeply selfish and self centered and will only CONTINUE to hurt the dumpee, should they reconcile. If two people were to break up; the dumper treated the dumpee with honesty, respect and dignity; i.e NO games, NO manipulation, NO mixed signals ; then one day came back and said "You know we've spent a lot of time apart, and I realised I made a mistake." Now THAT would be a situation I would feel may be worth a second shot. These people though, who manipulate their dumpees, who treat them terribly, send them mixed signals SIMPLY for an ego boost? No, that is not how you treat someone you love even as a person; let alone someone you are IN love with. So, make no mistake. I never would write every dumper off as "not worth it" and CERTAINLY not just because they broke up with someone. How old are you as well? I think I noticed you are 24 on another posting you had? I dont say this is a problem, but just that perhaps you don't have many examples of such situations in your life? While I am young, I have had more examples of many things in life than I need. I never tell anyone something I don't believe will benefit them greatly, help them heal, and help them to find something better suited and loving for them. When I think I have been wrong about something? I will be the first to say that, it isn't an issue for me. I want to help others who allow emotions to cause an askewed view of their situation, who will only cause themselves more hurt and anguish. It doesn't bother me in the slightest to admit when I'm wrong; if I am it's the least I can do. Again, I think you are great and provide generally helpful advice and you are there for a lot of people which is really commendable. I just noticed a pattern and wanted to mention some things I've seen. I am in my early 30s. Then you will also notice, all of the men I've advised about have been kindergartners with beards, unreliable, no stability in their ways, and unable of meaning what they say. That last one there especially, it's a clincher. You can sit and imagine nice things all day with someone who tells you words, but unfortunately for these women there is no action to back it up, it's left them feeling very hurt. I'm sorry, but I'll be damned to sit back and pretend I can't spot from a mile away what is going on with people like that. I have been around enough of them to know; and not JUST personally. have a few examples but one with my brother who is 2 yrs younger. He dated his gf for 6yrs at the time and then broke up b/c he didn't want to commit. They were broken up for one year and then got back together and are now engaged. These things happen and people can be uncertain and then grow etc. Honey, this example tells me very little. He broke up with her because he didn't want to comitt. Fair enough, he did the right thing, I commend him. I'm not advising the poster in the manner which I do simply because he broke up with her. I am advising her as such because this person was able to lie to her face every single day of the week, for several months on end without wincing. To add insult to injury, he even knew that the very thing he was lying about meant so much to her, and yet he continued to anyhow and one day reveals his true feelings all along. That is a much, I mean MUCH bigger problem than "I don't want to comitt". I don't have any problem with people who don't want to comitt ending their relationships; I think it's the respectfable thing to do and it shows good charachter. I do however, have a problem with what this phoney balogni did to her after four years.
hoping2heal Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 This is a fact. And this is why I question hopings advice. She is putting too much of her own experience and hurt, into other peoples advice. Firstly, again; there is a common denominator in all of the situations where I advise people to move on from their dumpers. That common denominator has not yet EVEN ONCE been the fact that the dumper dumped the dumpee. Breaking up with them never had ANYTHING to do with it. People break up all the time, it doesn't mean either party is a terrible, mean, troll of a person; including the dumpers themselves. However, and I have said this before; dumpers who play mind games after the relationship has absolved, dumpers who need an ego buff so they will send mixed signals or use manipulation to rope that person in, give them false hope just for their own personal pick me up? While they leave the dumpee even further confused, and freshly wounded? People like that can take a hike, because they are not worth anyone's time when they are acting out like that, and they will only cause further damage and harm. The same is true with some of the actions I've read about during the relationship, everyone makes mistakes and boo boo's, that's nothing new. However, throwing away your engagement to go get drunk and be promiscous because your buddies are suddenly doing it? That's a problem. If you care to dispute that fact, by all means; let me know of the day you would care to wake up in the middle of your engagement or marriage to find your fiance/wife has done that to you. See, sometimes there are telltale signs of this. As I've also outlined before there is a persons PERSONALITY and then there is THEIR CHARACHTER. There sometimes but not in ALL cases; moments which expose a person's charachter and is a warning sign of things to come when it is weak or bad charachter. If those things are ignored? This is what happens. Now, in other cases you may never see a person's real charachter for a very long time; you may only see their PERSONALITY, because a situation has not aroused that would expose charachter; then one day you see it and there you have it. You may not of known then, but you certainly know now; and that is when you insult your own intelligence to go back with that person because more of these nice little beat downs to your heart will take place. Hoping, how would you like to answer me some very specific questions about your life, as well as relationships. Rest assured, I know what I'm doing. Rest assured, that I do also.
hoping2heal Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 In reply to Leap83, yes I trusted him. I have asked him if he saw a future with me and his reply has been yes. I think Cypresa was more correct in that he wasn't 100% sure, cause while he told me he saw me in his future he also told me he wasn't sure he was ready to get married, but he would be ready by April which is why we decided in April to get engaged. I felt though after dating for so long he should know if he wanted to be with me or not. OP, this is not an attack on you. I just want you to be aware of something. When we give advice here, we can only go on your word. Which means, you need to give us an accurate portrayel of what happened, otherwise we cannot accurately give you feedback that is going to be beneficial to you. I just noticed that in your re telling of what happened; you originally said he told you that you were going to get engaged by April. Now, you are saying he let you know he wasn't ready to get married by but he told you he would be by April. That's two totally different things and I gave you advice based on your very first post. Now I'm reading, and it's a whole different ballgame. If he told you that he wasn't sure he was ready to get married, but expected to be by April; that is MUCH different than telling someone "yes we're going to get engaged by April". One is being completely dishonest with a person, the other is being honest with them. It's a totally different dynamic. So please, and this is for your OWN benefit; always be very careful when expressing what happened. Make sure everything is completely accurate so that you will be assured to recieve accurate feedback. My whole problem with this guy from the start, was thinking he told you in December that you would be engaged come April, when April came he then told you he didn't want to be married and that he loved you, but didn't like the idea of being married to anyone. That there was why I was against this guy. Because knowing how much it meant to you; he lied to your face every day, being aware of how much he was about to let you down with no qualms about it. Now, I'm reading this other response of yours and it seems what REALLY happened is, he told you he wasn't sure about getting married, but give him until April to decide because he beleived he would know by then. I would have given COMPLETELY, different advice had I known that. Again, this isn't attacking you OP; I just want you to understand why it's so important to give an accurate story because without it YOU can't get the proper guidance you need. I'll come back to this situation later, as I'm rather confused as to what the real truth of the matter is, and I don't want to comment anymore on it until I understand everything as it really happened.
Girlygirl1977 Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 Hoping 2 Heal - fair enough and I understand. It sounds like we are on the same page.
leap83 Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 What if it was sudden, and either the girl or guy gets a new bf or gf? Does the new distraction make you by pass the grief 100%? *thanks for the answer btw No. The distraction doesn't help. I'll give you a couple of examples. By the time my ex and I broke up, I was emotionally drained. I wasn't in love with him. So, he said that he wants to break up first, so I give him credit for that. After that, I kind of tried to get into a new relationship. And this is the part that annoys me. I wasn't ready but I was selfish enough to try to look for a relationship. Most of the time, I wasn't interested. I dated but it didn't last and I would end up breaking it off (the guys weren't interesting and yes, I hurt them - I apologized later on and we're cool). But, not until this year did I realize that I can't be in an LTR until I'm fully healed. When I was 95% healed, I met a guy. He was incredible (still is). However, he came out of a 7 year relationship 8 months ago (now 9 months) and he wasn't fully healed. In fact, he was like 60% there. Realizing that he has feelings for me but that he is not true to me (I realized this at about the same time he did), to preserve the long-term relationship between us, we decided to split for a little while. This is not because we don't care about each other or anything like that, but we both believed it wasn't fare to both of us that we aren't 100% healed. So, now we're apart. It's hard. But it wouldn't have worked in the long haul. So the point I'm trying to make is: heal fully before you enter a new relationship because you never know if that person is going to be the one for you. In my case, I know he's the right one for me and it's very unfortunate that, both of us, right now need to take time to heal properly before we can continue this amazing relationship. Take this advice and USE IT. Heal first, then start looking.
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