cozenedindigo Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 I'm new at this forum and actually feeling a little silly obsessing over this issue as I have already acted and would not change what I did, but can't help feeling really down about it. Here's my situation: I come from an abusive family, my dad is economically, emotionally and physically violent with my mom who is so used to the situation that she has been unable to leave it, she has issues of her own, she lost her mom when she was only four and has never known a normal family life and does not love herself. It took me long years to deal with my own issues, I started dating when I was 13 and dated a series of guys who were a lot like my dad. Once I realized this I made a conscious decision to stop doing this and left an abusive boyfriend of 2 years. I also began the process of rooting out my own negatives that I have acquired over the years in order to be a better person and not repeat the cycle of violence that my dad has started. This June, when I was 19, I went to another city to live and work for month, and to just take a break and enjoy myself. I stayed with a guy I'd met three months ago, we had been in touch and had been flirting via text messaging, phone and Skype every other day and then he invited me to stay with him when I was going to his city. The guy is ten years older than me and is from another country. He has been sent by his company to my country of residence to do their work here and has been living here for over a year. When I went there I didn't know if something was going to happen between us, but I didn't have any expectations as such. I'm a virgin and I was sexually abused as a kid, as a result I think I have a huge fear of sex even though I have a very healthy libido and have done loads of stuff but not had sex. So I stayed with this guy for a month and we ended up making out a lot but I just couldn't ever relax enough to have sex with him. We had a great time together, we both really liked each other but he was the one who was pushing for a commitment and an exclusive relationship and he also wanted me to visit him in his country for his birthday that is in August. I was initially very reluctant as I've done long distance before and it requires a very strong foundation to be able to work. However he claimed that it wasn't a problem, that I'm the best thing that has happened to him and he doesn't simply want to make it like a summer fling but wants to see if we can make it as a long term couple. He also said that he can afford to jump on a plane to come to see me anytime that we feel the relationship needs work and we need to meet. I also refused to go to his country because he was going to pay for the flight and everything, I don't have the kind of money to travel abroad though I would love to and I can't wait to. In spite of my doubts, his reassurances and his caring behavior and words caused me to consider being his girlfriend. When he came right out and asked me, I said yes. We were ecstatic and then at the end of my trip I came back here. I also agreed to visit him in August for his 30th. However in the last two weeks we've had many horrible problems at home and I've ended up having to run away two nights and stay with a friend who lives nearby and I've sought his emotional support whenever this has happened, and have not really got it. It's like speaking to an automated machine who is saying the right things without any compassion or feeling. I realized this and backed off a little bit, then he went off for a weekend out of the country and told me he was leaving for his trip back home sooner than expected. Up until the night before he was leaving to go back for a holiday back there, he was constantly mentioning the trip and contacting me. Then I called him that night and I think he'd had a few drinks and came right out and told me he was really scared that I was going to go to his country and meet his family and friends, even though he's told them all about them and also emailed our pictures to them, etc. He also said that this didn't change the way he felt about me. I then said that this is his invitation and his decision and that I'm not going to go if he doesn't feel right about it. But I also said it was really unfair of him to push me to go if he was going to back out like this at the last minute. Due to problems at home my work and studies have also been suffering and I'd just been fired from a job that day. He knew this. The next morning we talked and he then said he doesn't know how he feels about me anymore and since I have left it has got a lot less intense for him and that he's in a very confusing stage in his life where he doesn't feel satisfied with his job and doesn't know if he's going to ever properly come back here. At this stage I just told him we should finish it because I deserve to be with someone who wants me and knows he wants me and not someone who is so fickle and whimsical. I also told him that I notice I get more attention from him if I don't give him any, and I've noticed this about his previous relationships: the girls have been stringing him along and he's used to chasing them. I told him that he was a fair weather friend, only there for me when we had such fun times but not even feeling anything when I really needed a friend and watched my dad lash my mom with a belt and had to call the cops on him. I came home that evening and saw that he'd left me a huge email from the airport saying that he really respects me and is truly sorry that he has been so hurtful. He wants to be friends until he can come back here and "lets see where this takes us". I am feeling so utterly rejected and let down and angry that this guy pushed his way into my life and then messed me up and left when I was so down. I dreamed about him all of last night and saw him with another girl who he wants and cares about and woke up in tears. I know I need to be strong for myself and my mom, we are getting help from a women's organization and I'm sorting out my work and studies, but I can't help feeling so bad about this whole thing. Please talk to me!
BobSacamento Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 He pushed himself into your life? Don't you thin you are submissive at all? Granted I'll give you props for holding out. This guy seems like a total creeper to me.
Author cozenedindigo Posted August 8, 2009 Author Posted August 8, 2009 No I wasn't submissive, just very cautious at first and had my guard up, which he over the time I spent with him worked hard towards getting down by constant verbalization of his feelings for me and his desire to be with me.
xpaperxcutx Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 Wasn't he merely any way for you to run away from home? You're not immature, you're merely inexperienced. You still have a lot of growing up to do. At least be glad you haven't slept with him.
Author cozenedindigo Posted August 8, 2009 Author Posted August 8, 2009 What do you mean, a way for me to run away from home? Lady, I have been living here for all my life and just because I went on a month long break doesn't mean I was running away from my situation. I am fully aware of it and my responsibilities in it, lots of people go away to another city when university breaks happens, it's not an uncommon thing. And the trip idea was not mine, it was totally his. Do you mean to say that people in an abusive family situations merely have relationships as an escape route? I am capable of being with someone without using them as a physical or emotional escape route. I will have break from Uni again in a month's time and I will go out of town again, and it doesn't matter whether I am dating someone or not. So yeah, he wasn't "merely an escape route". Sure I am inexperienced, but how does your reply offer advice/support? Surely that's what these forums are for?
xpaperxcutx Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 What do you mean, a way for me to run away from home? Lady, I have been living here for all my life and just because I went on a month long break doesn't mean I was running away from my situation. I am fully aware of it and my responsibilities in it, lots of people go away to another city when university breaks happens, it's not an uncommon thing. And the trip idea was not mine, it was totally his. Do you mean to say that people in an abusive family situations merely have relationships as an escape route? I am capable of being with someone without using them as a physical or emotional escape route. I will have break from Uni again in a month's time and I will go out of town again, and it doesn't matter whether I am dating someone or not. So yeah, he wasn't "merely an escape route". Sure I am inexperienced, but how does your reply offer advice/support? Surely that's what these forums are for? You went to him for emotional support. How is that not an escape route? How well did you know him anyways for you to put so much faith and trust in him? I'm sure you don't have intentions to begin relationships with hopes of using them as " escape routes" but you're gullible in the fact that you believed everything he said. If there's one thing you can do is thank yourself for not making the decision to have lost your virginity to him. As I've said, you're young, but still very inexperienced with the way of the world. The only thing you can do now is grieve and take out all your anger. Then focus on getting help for both yourself and your mom. If you have problems at home, work on it. Just don't run off to others and expect their sympathy. At least not from men who spew false words and are 30yrs old.
Author cozenedindigo Posted August 8, 2009 Author Posted August 8, 2009 Expecting emotional support from one's boyfriend is an escape route? Heh.
xpaperxcutx Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 I am capable of being with someone without using them as a physical or emotional escape route. I will have break from Uni again in a month's time and I will go out of town again, and it doesn't matter whether I am dating someone or not. Maybe you should focus on setting your priorities straight first before you consider dating anyone.
xpaperxcutx Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 Expecting emotional support from one's boyfriend is an escape route? Heh. You didn't say anything about him being your bf.
Author cozenedindigo Posted August 8, 2009 Author Posted August 8, 2009 Haha, my priorities are pretty straight lady! Otherwise I'd be begging and pleading for him to come back and not dumped his sorry ass. I'm focusing on Uni and topping my course, and have regular work. Getting help for me and mom and sorting home life out. Just can't help feeling down about the break up it happened two days ago! Thank you anyway.
Author cozenedindigo Posted August 8, 2009 Author Posted August 8, 2009 "In spite of my doubts, his reassurances and his caring behavior and words caused me to consider being his girlfriend. When he came right out and asked me, I said yes. We were ecstatic and then at the end of my trip I came back here. I also agreed to visit him in August for his 30th." I did. the post is rather long and I understand that you might have missed this bit but here it is. So obviously we've had a little misunderstanding.
Devil Inside Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 Sounds like this is not a relationship that will work. Spend some time in therapy working on some of your intimacy issues, they will cause problems in any future relationships. You need to be able to be vulnerable to really have a meaningful connection...and I don't see you feeling safe with this guy anymore.
Author cozenedindigo Posted August 8, 2009 Author Posted August 8, 2009 I don't, you're right. thanks much for the support. I'm getting therapy actually. Monday is my first appointment. thanks again.
Els Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 Hey, I'm sorry this happened to you. It must really suck for everything to crash down at the same time. I do think that it'd be better that you not rely on anyone to help with your personal problems (including moral support) so early in a relationship though. Note their response to it, because it shows their character; but don't put yourself in a position where you're relying on them to be the one to help pick you up. NOT because it's wrong to expect help from a bf (because you certainly should!), but just to protect yourself, because in such a short frame of time you cannot possibly gauge how much the person truly cares about you yet. Regarding this guy in particular, I do think he somehow had the delusion that an LDR would be all fun and games just like the 'casual dating' times you guys had when you were together. He still remained in that 'casual dating' place with you and did not know that LDRs and 'casual dating' are really completely incompatible. Once he did realize it wasn't all fun and games, there wasn't anything left in it for him anymore.
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