Guiltyascharged Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 Me and my husband have been together for five years. We have two beautiful children and a wonderful group of friends around us. We are always all together and all very close. One person in particular is always around at our house. He is my sons god father, both of our best friend and my husbands best man at our wedding. I am setting up my own business and he has also been helping me with that so we see a lot of each other. My husband is amazing, he is incredible - i love him dearly but one thing that does upset me is he never shows me affection in any way other than sex. He wont kiss me even on the cheek in public, he pushes me away when i cuddle him if we are out... i know he loves me, he tells me every day that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and i do too but i like kissing, cuddling and closeness. The big problem happened two days ago...me and this friend met for a drink after work. His Mum recently died from cancer, so we were talking about that. We continued talking and ended up thinking back to the days when we all first met. P was not very nice to me at first, and it turns out he was like this because he fancied me. I was shocked because out of everyone, when i first met him i couldnt understand why he was single. In a way maybe it was that i fancied him but i knew not to go there and was just very close to him as a friend and very protective. Now, 5 years has passed and nothing has ever happened but two days ago - we kissed in this bar. Alcohol is no excuse but we were both very drunk. I pulled away and got upset. He got upset and we sat in silence for a few moments. We told each other how much we mean to each other and also how much my husband means to each of us. But then we kissed again. And again. And ended up cuddling outside. We ended up missing our train because we were "all over each other" so we got a cab back to his (purely to save money - i live over 40mins from his) and the whole way in the car we were 'friendly joking around'-maybe a bit flirty but nothing happened. Back at his we ended up snuggled on the sofa and kissed for about 2 1/2 hours - a bit of writhing around but no bare groping or sex. Since then we have both said how awful we feel, how it should never have happened and the guilt is overwhelming. But at the same time i cant stop thinking about him. I cant stop thinking about that night and i dont want to. In another place and another time we would have been perfect together but i know my husband is my soul mate. i love him. But i love P too. i dont want to lose him as a friend but i cant help but want another night like that with him, it was electric. What can i do? i dont know what to think or what to say...
utterer of lies Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 What can i do? i dont know what to think or what to say... Have sex with that other guy immediately.
seibert253 Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 You need to choose, your husband and "soulmate", or the OM who you really know nothing about. Right now you want your cake and eat it too. That path will lead to ultimate destruction. Two ways to approach this in a "loving manner". These are the right ways, anything else is deceptive and will destroy you, your "friend" and your marriage. 1. If you want to save your marriage, tell your husband EVERYTHING that happened, and intiate NC with the "friend". (don't give us the "well he's a friend, it's not that simple, yada, yada". Trust me, your husband will insure he is no longer a friend. A true friend would never betray trust the way your "friend" did. 2. If you want to "explore" your lovey dovey feelings toward your friend, tell your husband EVERYTHING, and divorce him. Let him find someone who will truely love him for him. Your first thoughts of letting this go and saying nothing will not work. Your feelings for the OM will continue, and you both will be weak. You WILL end up sleeping together. What's gonna happen 12 months or 5 years from now when your husband finds out what happened? Not only will the inital betrayel on your part be de destructive, but then compound that with the lies and deceit. Doubtful your husband will be so understanding and willing to forgive.
SidLyon Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 Me and my husband have been together for five years. We have two beautiful children and a wonderful group of friends around us. We are always all together and all very close. One person in particular is always around at our house. He is my sons god father, both of our best friend and my husbands best man at our wedding. I am setting up my own business and he has also been helping me with that so we see a lot of each other. My husband is amazing, he is incredible - i love him dearly but one thing that does upset me is he never shows me affection in any way other than sex. He wont kiss me even on the cheek in public, he pushes me away when i cuddle him if we are out... i know he loves me, he tells me every day that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and i do too but i like kissing, cuddling and closeness. The big problem happened two days ago...me and this friend met for a drink after work. His Mum recently died from cancer, so we were talking about that. We continued talking and ended up thinking back to the days when we all first met. P was not very nice to me at first, and it turns out he was like this because he fancied me. I was shocked because out of everyone, when i first met him i couldnt understand why he was single. In a way maybe it was that i fancied him but i knew not to go there and was just very close to him as a friend and very protective. Now, 5 years has passed and nothing has ever happened but two days ago - we kissed in this bar. Alcohol is no excuse but we were both very drunk. I pulled away and got upset. He got upset and we sat in silence for a few moments. We told each other how much we mean to each other and also how much my husband means to each of us. But then we kissed again. And again. And ended up cuddling outside. We ended up missing our train because we were "all over each other" so we got a cab back to his (purely to save money - i live over 40mins from his) and the whole way in the car we were 'friendly joking around'-maybe a bit flirty but nothing happened. Back at his we ended up snuggled on the sofa and kissed for about 2 1/2 hours - a bit of writhing around but no bare groping or sex. Since then we have both said how awful we feel, how it should never have happened and the guilt is overwhelming. But at the same time i cant stop thinking about him. I cant stop thinking about that night and i dont want to. In another place and another time we would have been perfect together but i know my husband is my soul mate. i love him. But i love P too. i dont want to lose him as a friend but i cant help but want another night like that with him, it was electric. What can i do? i dont know what to think or what to say... Hmm so your husband isn't into public displays of affection - do you think this other guy is going to be more so - were you public in whatever you've done together so far? So public that your H now knows and if you start an A with this guy are you going to be publicly kissing, cuddling etc in front of your kids - your soon to be ex parents-in-law etc? You appear to me to be just setting up to blame your H for the affair you are about to start with his closest friend. I suspect you've already made up your mind but if you haven't then please don't do it - you and the guy will be totally ruined. Your credibility and reputations will be mincemeat. And don't forget the pain and anguish you will inflict on your H and kids. S [FONT=Arial][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][/FONT]
utterer of lies Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 You need to choose, your husband and "soulmate", or the OM who you really know nothing about. Right now you want your cake and eat it too. That path will lead to ultimate destruction. But at least for some time, she can have both. And ultimate destruction sounds like great fun!
lkjh Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 If you want to keep your husband you need to cut the OM out of your lives and confess. If you don't do this you will end up going to far to come back. Think about your kids and H. Just be honest and get ready to do some work. On a side note I think this is a troll
Bryanp Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 I am curious but how would you feel if your husband was making out and kissing with your best friend and maid of honor behind your back for 2 1/2 hours? (Maybe your husband would never do this because he has too much respect for you and your marriage). First, the fact that he would do this to his best friend shows what slime he is. Second, that you would do this to your husband with his best friend says the same thing about you. You have showed your husband total and utter disrespect. If you have any respect left for your husband you will be honest with him with what happened. He needs to know about his so-called best friend and you who made a committment to him. Did you even bother to think about your husband at all?
Devil Inside Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 You have gotten yourself into quite a little triangle here. I recommend that you take a few days and really decide what you want to do. I do not think that you will be able to just ignore it and go on spending time with him like you have. You said it yourself...you don't want to. It is human nature to be curious, but you have gotten a taste of the forbidden fruit...are you really going to be able to hold back now...I wouldn't bet your marriage on it. listen I have had an A. It leads to only heartache for all involved. Especially in this situation where he is so close to both you and your husband. I say you decide if you can make things work with your husband. If lack of public affection is the only thing missing then you can probably work that out. If you can't see being with your husband then explore a separation or divorce, but not to be with P, but because it's what you want. Either way, I think you will have to tell your husband what happened. P is aclose friend and he may tell him first. Then where would you be. I know it will be hard...but these secrets and lies only get more complicated with time.
Bryanp Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 One other thing: How would you feel if your husband said that you were amazing, incredible and he loves you dearly and then went and made out with your best friend for 2 1/2 hours behind your back? I am sorry but your words do not coincide with your actions. You actions showed contempt for your husband and his feelings by this double betrayal.
Holding-On Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 Guilty Many on this board will probably cut you a new one. However, I am not monogamous. I don't believe that one person ought to be everything to another (hence why I am not monogamous). My vows are not monogamous either so I am in a different situation than you. Please consider that when you consider my advice. It is natural to be attracted to more than one person. It happens. I'm sure that you like P for the same reasons your husband likes P. So my advice is to first forgive yourself for being human. My second advice is to get yourself together. Be calm when you tell your husband or if you have to write it out, leave him a letter and let him handle the shock while you have your kids at the park/with grandparents etc (don't know how your husband might react to this shock). I would keep it simple. The longer you leave it the bigger and worse a deal it will be for him. "I went out with P for drinks. We were discussing his mother's death. P was very emotional. We both got pretty drunk and ended up kissing. This is pretty shocking and emotional time. I think I need to be away from P/not alone with him while he is not himself. Will you please help me. I am so sorry this happened. I did not expect it." etc Do not use this time to dig in at your husband about not being openly affectionate. After all you did marry him despite his nature in this regard. However you might use this time to suggest MC (marriage counseling) where you can bring it up. Honestly, P probably needs individual counseling (having your mother die is pretty traumatic I'd think). Given that his mother did just die I think your husband may be able to handle P's actions a little better as P may be somewhat out of his mind. This may help him feel less betrayed.
whichwayisup Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 Not all men like public affection. If he cuddles and kisses you behind closed doors, that's what counts. The soulmate thing..If he TRUELY is your soulmate, you wouldn't be cheating on him with his best buddy..Whom might I add, is NOT his buddy and definately isn't thinking either. Is this worth throwing your marriage away? Sex and affection with your husband's friend over a pretty good marriage that has afew problems? EVERYONE has problems of some sort in their marriage. Marriage is an ongoing work in progress.. Think of your kids next time you get the urge to fool around with this other guy. Think of your husband and how he's going to feel. What you and his friend are doing to him is DOUBLE betrayal. Imagine if your husband did this with one of your closest friends. How would you feel?
Author Guiltyascharged Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 I didnt expect any different sort of reaction to the situation to be honest and in a wierd way some of you have really helped me. The day after all this happened... I tried contacting P to see what he thought we should do with regard to the do we tell, dont we situation and he totally ignored me all day. I thought, as a lot of you have said, maybe he is a scum bag and then on Saturday a mutual friend called me to say he was picking him up from hospital as he had taken an overdose. I obviously lost the plot and was thinking all sorts of crazy things. Later on, Sunday, we briefly met up and discussed the whole situation. AND FOR THE RECORD CAN I JUST SAY I WAS NEVER GOING TO GO BACK AND SLEEP WITH HIM!!! Anyway, me and P have spoken a few times now; we both feel awful. P is now having counselling and im still not sure whats going on in my head. I know lots of you find this really hard to believe, but i have known P for over 6 years and i know he is not a bad person. He is one of the nicest people i know. And even harder for you to believe i am not a slag who puts it about ever. And yet, here we find ourselves in the awful situation! P told me that what happened is the biggest mistake of his life and it only took 3 stupid hours to mess everything up. He also said that its up to us whether we allow 3 hours of stupidity and drunkness to dictate our lives and i feel the same. At the moment i think that i am not going to tell my husband and i believe that i can still be friends with P. Infact since this has all exploded me and him are a lot closer minus the flirting and things are better between me and my husband. The guilt is something that will never leave either of us but i think its something that you can bury, is it? And as HOLDING ON says, isnt it natural to have feelings for other people and fancy someone else? Yes, i know these feelings should not be acted upon and thats my critical error, but its ok to be married and think he's hot surely...?
Author Guiltyascharged Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 And can i also say... this whole situation was never planned. It was never premeditated. We never met up with the intent of anything happening. And we also have both said we never want it to happen again. But at the same time, we dont want to lose each other as close friends!
utterer of lies Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Maybe you should talk to your husband about an open relationship. But forget P, this kind of thing usually doesn't work with 'close friends'. And if you keep on meeting P, you will give in, at one point or another.
seibert253 Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Maybe you should talk to your husband about an open relationship. But forget P, this kind of thing usually doesn't work with 'close friends'. And if you keep on meeting P, you will give in, at one point or another. I agree. Not with the open relationship, but with the last two sentences. The feelings between you two will never go away. At the very least, your friendship will never be the same. There will always be that cloud of guilt, but at the same time you will always feel that "what could have been". As long as you maintain your "close friendship" with P, you will always feel that tug on your heart and the feelings of confusion. I said it before, your relationship will never be the same. At sometime, the two of you will find each other in the same position as before, alone, together, leaning on each other for support, what's gonna happen then. I know you say well we agree we would never do that again, yada yada, but I'm telling you, unless your love and devotion to your husband is ROCK SOLID, and by your actions you've already proved it is not, you will give in to the temptation. It is just too strong. I think it all boils down to this; what's more important to you, your love for your husband, or your friendship with P. IMO if you want to repair your marriage, you need to curtail or end your close friendship with P. Another great way to repair is to admit all to your husband and beg for his forgivness. Not telling and keeping this a secret is a cowardly act, and deceptive. A relationship based upon lies and deceipt will surely self destruct. How do you think you husband will feel 5 years from now when he finds out what happened, and learns you've been lying to him all these years. The doom of the end of your marriage will not be your initial act of infidelity, but the lies and cover up. He will never trust you again. If you admit all, now, yeah he will be hurt and crushed. But eventually he will respect and honor you for coming clean off the bat, and being brutally honest and truthful.
lkjh Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 If you keep meeting with P, you will cross the line AGAIN. Do not think you are above this. You are fooling yourself if you believe that you can go back to friends. If you don't respect your H enough to tell him then you should divorce him. Let me ask you this, do you believe that honesty is important in a relationship? You can not simply be honest when it suits you best. You have to be honest 100% of the time. Right now you are making a fool out of your husband and that is wrong, if you don't love him then you should leave. Please don't say that you do love him. If cheating and lying is your way of loving someone then they are better off with out your love. Doing the right thing isn't always the easy thing. Just fess up and see what your H wants to do.
boldjack Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 OP,You have some big decisions to make. Right now , you are doing everything wrong. If anyone saw you kissing and cuddling with P, you will be found out. If your husband finds out from anyone, other than you, your marriage will be over. You cannot have a friendship with P and save your marriage. You definitly can't "bury", the guilt. You have done a horrible thing and the only way your marriage can be saved is to be completely honest with your husband. You have to choose between your husband and P. You MUST be honest with your husband and yourself. BTW, when you say that your husband is your soulmate, you are lying to yourself. If you really loved your husband, how could you shame him like this? You need to be an adult and take responsibility for what you have done.
Holding-On Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 Not telling and keeping this a secret is a cowardly act, and deceptive. A relationship based upon lies and deceipt will surely self destruct. How do you think you husband will feel 5 years from now when he finds out what happened, and learns you've been lying to him all these years. The doom of the end of your marriage will not be your initial act of infidelity, but the lies and cover up. He will never trust you again. If you admit all, now, yeah he will be hurt and crushed. But eventually he will respect and honor you for coming clean off the bat, and being brutally honest and truthful. Listen to this if nothing else Guilty. These are wise words. And yes, I personally think it is natural, even beautiful, to love more than one person but I am not deceiving my husband. My love to him is out in the open. I do nothing without his approval/happiness in mind. Defecating is natural too but you wait until you get to your own toilet you don't just squat down on the neighbors bush even if he says it is ok. I will tell you that this is NOT the way to an open marriage. So don't even go there with your husband regarding P. Open marriages are actually more difficult to navigate. It is not a case of "marriage broken bring in more people". Clearly P is a good person. I believe you. Betraying his friend, his mother dying, trying not to be truthful have all devastated him. To the point where he was in the hospital. Surely your husband will be very concerned about his best friend. You have a golden opportunity to speak about how P has been very distraught and not himself since his mother's death and what happened that night. Tell your husband NOW. P is in counselling. I think it would help you to get your husband and yourself a mediator too. Please reconsider MC. If you are too afraid to tell your husband, do it in the counsellors office but do it!
Stung Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 I pulled away and got upset. He got upset and we sat in silence for a few moments. We told each other how much we mean to each other and also how much my husband means to each of us. But then we kissed again. And again. And ended up cuddling outside. We ended up missing our train because we were "all over each other" so we got a cab back to his (purely to save money - i live over 40mins from his) and the whole way in the car we were 'friendly joking around'-maybe a bit flirty but nothing happened. Back at his we ended up snuggled on the sofa and kissed for about 2 1/2 hours - a bit of writhing around but no bare groping or sex. Since then we have both said how awful we feel, how it should never have happened and the guilt is overwhelming. But at the same time i cant stop thinking about him. I cant stop thinking about that night and i dont want to. In another place and another time we would have been perfect together but i know my husband is my soul mate... OP, I'm not even going to touch (much ) on the overall morality of your situation or your current decision to avoid telling your husband. I'm not going to bash this affair partner you're so protective of either, as he just lost his mother and is clearly feeling lost and vulnerable, to the point where he's losing it and making out with his best friend's wife and taking near-fatal overdoses. In my personal opinion he comes off better in this than you do, as he seems to be motivated by genuine and dark surging emotions like unrequited love, grief, and vulnerability, and as far as i can tell your only motivating factors seem to be boredom, curiosity, and susceptibility to flattery. However, on to the point of my post: I think it would be a good idea if you read the above quote again, especially the bolded portion. Those are your words, ostensibly the words of a grown woman. They sound far more like the words of a romantic teenager, moreover, one who is not being honest with herself. Be honest with yourself, and with us. You didn't take a cab back to his place, drunk and lustful and already having crossed a line, to save a few bucks for the good of your family's bank account. You took the cab because you were hovering over another line and chose, deep down, to hover over it some more, at the very least, even if you weren't actively planning to cross all the way into full-blown sexual territory. It felt good, and you were curious, and you were secretly elated, and you didn't want to do anything that would effectively call it all to a screeching halt, like putting a big chunk of change on your credit card and arriving home late to confess to your husband that things had taken a weird turn. You need to start being honest with your own role in this and stop painting yourself as an innocent swept up in the tide. This is not a situation you just "found yourself in" but one at least partially of your own making, a responsibility you need to own. I believe the initial kiss may have been a surprise...although I'd be willing to bet that there were signs you either misread or willfully ignored that your 'friendship' with this guy was starting to cross into potential emotional affair territory...but everything that happened after was a step you took of your own free will, even if your inhibitions were lowered by the alcohol at first. If you keep seeing yourself as living out some kind of romance novel, you're almost certain to cross the line again. For what it's worth, I am currently monogamous but I have been in open relationships in the past. It didn't work for me, but I know it works for some people...but it only works if that's what everyone signed on for and there are mutually agreed-upon rules which everyone abides by. This is not what your husband signed up for, and if you love and respect him as much as you say you do, you should not subject him to this pain and indignity.
imagine Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 Ok, the seed has been planted. Only honesty with H will clear it. I'm sorry for your part, but we have been around the block quite a few times. These columns are full of these stories of a sound marriage coming to grief. These are the events that build up a good marriage. Honesty, loyalty and keeping the marriage bed pure. Would you take a polygraph test for your husband?
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