alasia Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 Hi, I really need some advice on what could be going on in my ex partner's head...so please try and help if you can, thanks We've been together for 3 years on-and-off, we split up for almost a year when I was pregnant with our first child who is now 2, got back together when he was 6 months old and had another baby in September last year - we had a few problems, arguing a lot over Christmas, then at the end of february this year he left. Just didn't come home after work one night, and I later found out he'd rented a room in the town where he works, which is where he's still living. At first when we split up he was seeing the children regularly which I was glad of, but made it clear nothing would ever happen between us again. Then 3-4 weeks after we split up he started being quite touchy-feely when we met up and took the kids out - we'd all go out for a meal together and he'd be giving me cuddles, calling me his "other half", and just generally acting like we were a couple again. I think he was also saying he still loved me, at that point, and hinting that he may want to try again. He stayed over a couple of nights after work over the next week or two, but then about 6 weeks ago (maybe less), he suddenly became more distant towards me. He was also more unreliable with seeing the kids - he'd usually come over every monday on his day off, but in the past 4 weeks he's only seen them on 2 mondays. He does see them during the week as well if I call him and ask if he wants to see them before work, and he's the doting dad when he's with them; it's just become a bit hit-and-miss whether he'll actually turn up on the days he says he will (IE: mondays). I assumed he'd become more distant towards me because he was seeing someone, he of course says he's not and doesn't want to, but now he's acting 'coupley' and touchy-feely (by that I mean giving me hugs, putting his arm round me, that kind of thing; affectionate) when we meet up to take the kids out on a monday again - well, the 2 times he's shown up recently, anyway! 2 weeks ago we spent the day and the evening together, and when the kids had gone to bed we just cuddled up on the sofa watching tv, it was nice. He ended up staying over (something that had been discussed earlier that day), we slept together and the next day he said he was sure he wanted to try again - and even said he would hand in his notice where he was living on thursday, and move back in with me and the kids. I asked how he could be so sure, so quickly; and he said he's been thinking about it for ages, and had made up his mind. Naturally I was sceptical, and of course nothing happened. Thursday came and went, then the next monday (last week) he was working so he just saw the children for a few hours before work. We went to the park and had a nice time, he was being 'coupley' again and I asked him to sort his head out and work out what he was going to do about seing the kids from now on. His reply was "well you get a house over here and I will move in with you. I will start saving up to help with the deposit". That confused me, as a few weeks ago - before he went all distant on me - we were talking about getting a house together again (his suggestion). Anyway I said that wasn't what I'd meant, and how could he say that if he doesn't really mean it? He said he did mean it this time, he was sure etc, and he was convincing - but then he always is... Well surprise surprise, nothing happened, nothing was mentioned etc, until a few days ago when I asked why he keeps trying to string me along. I told him I knew he didn't want to be with me and asked what he was playing at. He said he wasn't stringing me along, "I mean it at the time because when we go out together wih the kids we get on and it's great, but then we argue and it puts me off". Now that would be fair enough, but last week for example, he said that stuff on the monday, asked me to go with him on his bus (he's a bus driver) the next day; I didn't, then I didn't contact him for a couple of days. Then he had thursday off work and didn't come over to see the kids (as he'd said he would on monday) - I think I probably did ring him on friday and ask why the heck he'd changed his mind again etc...but you can hardly call that an argument, and if he'd been genuine about wanting to try again, then surely he would have turned up on thursday? We do 'argue' quite a bit; at least once a week in fact, but it's him not turning up when he says he will that causes the arguments! And as I said before; if he cared about me and the kids and wanted to get back together, then he would turn up, wouldn't he? Am I right on that?? I admit, everytime I see him I bring up the getting back together thing; and I can understand it probably bugs him to hear it constantly, but IMO if he wanted to get back together, he'd just do it. He'd either agree to start dating again, or hand in his notice and move back in, or something - he wouldn't say he wants to try again one day, then never mention it again, would he? I think he's stringing me along and has no intention of committing back into a relationship. Am I right in thinking that, or am I expecting too much and being too pushy? Is there any chance he could be confused, as he says he is, maybe if we went a week without me mentioning getting back together () it might give him a bit of breathing space? Oh, I don't know...sorry this is a bit long and probably jumbled, but I really need some advice on what he could be thinking, and how to handle the situation...? By the way, I do realise I've only spoken about my ex's relationship with me and not mentioned the children being caught up in this, but I try to keep things to myself around the kids and they aren't affected by this issue. They're happy, they see their dad a couple of times a week and because I never tell them they're going to see daddy on a certain day, they're never let down by him - I'd never let that happen
utterer of lies Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 what is going on in my ex's head?? Who cares, he is your ex.
Author alasia Posted August 8, 2009 Author Posted August 8, 2009 Yes...but I still love him, would love to try again, etc etc...which is the reason I posted this
utterer of lies Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 Yes...but I still love him, would love to try again, etc etc...which is the reason I posted this Yeah, so much is obvious, but he doesn't, I'm afraid. Judge intent by people's actions, not their words.
Author alasia Posted August 8, 2009 Author Posted August 8, 2009 So what's the point in saying he wants to try again and all that stuff? I'd understand it if we were sleeping together but (apart from the other monday which was a mistake), we're not. So what is he getting from telling me he wants to get a house together, move in with me...etc? Ok I guess an ego boost, but surely he could get that elsewhere? He's a bus driver...he gets teenage girls flirting with him to try and get a free rie every night of the week! And how can he bring himself to kiss me (without holding back) when he doesn't have feelings for me? I don't understand how he can be so fake...?
Leveller Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 One thing I would advise is not to bring up the second chance scenario again. Think of it as a fresh chance in any event but leave it go for the time being as this is probably only pushing him away. Let him come to terms with his feelings and ask them what they are as a starter and see what response you get.
Author alasia Posted August 8, 2009 Author Posted August 8, 2009 thanks, yes I will try that - I was thinking of leaving it for a bit anyway; it's our son's birthday on the 21st though and then our daughter's on the 6th Sept so I wasn't sure how to handle that...I was planning on taking the kids to the zoo for their birthdays, I thought about inviting my ex (as he said he'd take the kids' birthdays off work anyway) to come with us, that way it's a day mainly for the children, but we will have a chance to have fun and hopefully I can manage to not bring up the getting back together thing - maybe it could be a chance to see how things are between us when there's a bit less pressure...? It wouldn't be weird to ask my ex to go with me and the kids for a day out like that...is it??
hoping2heal Posted August 9, 2009 Posted August 9, 2009 This man is full of hot air. I mean, he's got a hot air wagon that he drags everywhere with him. He is all words, and NO actions. Also, what kind of statement is "when we're together with the kids and it's great I want to be back together, but when we argue it puts me off." What is that? Tell you what, send him to my house tomorrow. I'm going to be cooking breakfeast and tomorrow's menu is a big, steaming, bowl of GROW UP. OF COURSE it's fun when everything is going well. You don't get to just pull out of being a father or partner during the hard spots. This guy is trying too because he has a lot of growing up to do, but come on. Why does he say things he doesn't mean when he's not getting sex? Because he can. He just talks, and talks, and talks. All things he doesn't really mean. Cause he's got a hot air wagon, he's the hot air man. You can take all the words he says, put them in a box and try and trade them in for what he says they mean, you'll open the box and POOF. NOTHING, cause the words were just hot air the entire time. I understand this situation is complicated because children are involved. It's not as simple as kicking these kindergartners with beards to the curb. So, what needs to be done is; you need to communicate with him about the children ONLY. Tell him you are done with this relationship (if you're smart) and you will communicate regarding the children, but you are done talking about or contemplating a relationship with him. Doing so will only lead to further hurt and dissapointment. As I say to many, many people on here; DON'T insult your own intelligence by staying with someone who will promise you the world and deliver an empty bag.
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