Penance Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 Almost 4 years ago I met a girl, 3 years younger then me, that I really loved (and i still do) and she loved me aswell, that I am sure... We were the kind of couple that were always together, we wouldnt go anywhere without eachother. We never really had any fights at all, it was a perfect relationship in every possible way to me, and it was to her aswell im sure of it. After 3 years together she started talking to me about getting married and I was indeed always thinking that she was the girl I was going to marry. In the start of the current year I got myself a hobby (in sports), and I admit that I wasnt giving her the kind of attention that we previously had... I was still with her almost everyday, and every weekend, but I started focusing too much on the hobby and we stoped going out as much, we even started talking less, we would started to just stay home most of the time.... I intruduced her to a friend of mine, that i met online, related to my new hobby... (thats right, you get it...) So after a while, she was always online talking to him and sudenly she didnt care anymore about my hobby. She would even tell me 'why dont u go and play some more tomorow'. At that time I was completly blind, and I even feel stupid saying what happened, because its so obvious to me now, but back then I didnt suspected anything could ever happen because I had a very strong faith in our relationship... And also he wasnt even from our country. So about 8 days ago, she was talking to him online at a very late hour and I just told her to turn the pc off. She refused so I turned it off myself... Right after that she said she wanted to go home. She didnt told me why, she just wanted to go "I'll be back later this week, its better if I go home now since I havent been there for long". So I took her home... When she came back, 2 days later, I started to ask her questions and she kept avoiding telling me anything. Eventually during the same day, she told me she didnt loved me anymore because I wasnt giving her enough attention, for a long time now, and that she didnt knew if she loved this new guy.... After this beeing told I took her home, where she has been for the past 5 days. Suring this 5 days I have made many mistakes, like going online and telling her that i loved her very much, and that i deply regret that I stoped giving her the same kind of attention as I used to give her and so on, even begging her to reconsider all this... She would just reply to me things like '...' or ':/'. She invited me to go out tonight, I accepted, and it really seems she doesnt care at all about our relationship. All that she says is that she wants to be my friend, but she is really enjoying beeing alone now. What should I do? I really feel lost now, and everything I used to do, even the stuff i used to do alone, even the things that made me stop giving her the attention i used to, now everything makes me sick just to think about doing anything without her... Should I stop going out with her? Should I, wanting her back as my girlfriend, be doing all this 'friend's' stuff? She says she is enjoying her time alone while in fact I know she is all night talking to the this new guy online, and hes even making plans to pass by our town soon.... Hes the complete oposite of me, and he is the type of guy i would NEVER think she would like. Should I stop coming online to talk to her? She doesnt call me or anything, and while I am online she always seems busy... She replys to me but in a very cold way... Like she doesnt care at all. I really regret all the things I did... I wish I never started this hobby. I wish I never intruduced her to my 'friend'. I wish we would have gone out and fun more. Deep in my heart I know we can fix this... I just dont think she will give me a chance even, and that she will go out and date this new foreign guy... Thank you for reading... And Im sorry about my terrible english.
hoping2heal Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 Here's the deal, people should be allowed to have hobbies and explore interests, without their partner looking for a new mate because of it. It sounds like regardless of your hobby, you still saw her every day etc. You even tried to get her incorporated (which is great). Do I think introducing her to men was a good idea? Wellllllll...she shouldn't cheat (she was having an emotional fair) or go off with a guy everytime one shows her attention, I promise you that will happen all her life, and now you know what she does when the opportunity presents itself. Is it over? Yes. It's over. She has checked out of the relationship, and on top of it the moment she couldn't be attatched to you at the hip and another male came around she up and vanished. That's her loyalty you. You don't want to marry and have children with this women, I assure you. Oh yeah, and don't be a chump. She has a new man in her life and you're willing to be her lap dog. Don't do it, go nc and get her out of your life.
Devil Inside Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 Brother...this is gonna be hard...but don't be her "friend." If she wanted to continue in a relationship she would make it obvious. She is with this other guy now. I know it hurts, but you have to move on.
DSM-IV Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 Is it over? Yes. It's over. She has checked out of the relationship Never knew you were a psychic. Don't be so quick to assume. You are jumping the gun... We don't know enough about her. Go nc and get her out of your life. About the only part I'd advice you to listen to. Go NC until she misses you and will possibly want another chance.
hoping2heal Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 Never knew you were a psychic. Don't be so quick to assume. You are jumping the gun... We don't know enough about her. About the only part I'd advice you to listen to. Go NC until she misses you and will possibly want another chance. I'm not psychic tommyknocker, and I don't need to be. I wasn't assuming a thing; I was going entirely off the notion that he introduced her to a man, she began an emotional affair with him. Let's say she decides to come back, why does he even WANT someone who is going to do that to him? This is ridiculous. You don't go NC to make someone miss you who has disrespected you ENTIRELY in the relationship. I don't need to know more about her, if she decided to go behind his back and start a relationship with another man, this is not the kind of woman he wants to invest in.
Author Penance Posted August 8, 2009 Author Posted August 8, 2009 Thank you all for your replys... Its so hard not to turn on my computer when I know she is there and talking to this guy... She has never been with him, she doesnt know anything about him... How can she just leave all we had for this? I blame myself really... I was the one that intruduced her to him, and I was the one who stoped giving her the kind of attention I used to give... She says she wants to see if I have changed now... Should I really just stop talking to her? Im afraid that while Im gone she will just talk more and more with this internet guy... And then agree to meet him live.... And then its really all over, and I really want to make this work again...
hoping2heal Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 Thank you all for your replys... Its so hard not to turn on my computer when I know she is there and talking to this guy... She has never been with him, she doesnt know anything about him... How can she just leave all we had for this? I blame myself really... I was the one that intruduced her to him, and I was the one who stoped giving her the kind of attention I used to give... She says she wants to see if I have changed now... Should I really just stop talking to her? Im afraid that while Im gone she will just talk more and more with this internet guy... And then agree to meet him live.... And then its really all over, and I really want to make this work again... Ok, what? This is getting worse as the story roles on. I need to understand the difference in the attention used to give, and the attention you WERE giving at the time. I need to understand what the dynamic of what that is. If she was completely neglected emotionally, I don't blame her for being unhappy, but she should of either had a talk to communicate what she needs from you and give you a chance to fulfill that, or end the relationship. Taking up an EA with another man was not a good idea. I also don't like how she is holding him over your head like blackmail "I want to see if you have changed now." Why do you want a woman who will do this to you?
DSM-IV Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 This is the most likely scenario. Period. No matter what you do, she's going to keep talking to this guy for about another week to 2 months. And then she will realize he is not you. Then she'll hate herself and slowly come crawling back. But then she'll probably leave again, but this time just to truly be alone. If you really want her back, though, I can tell you how to manipulate her. LOL
Devil Inside Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 This is the most likely scenario. Period. No matter what you do, she's going to keep talking to this guy for about another week to 2 months. And then she will realize he is not you. Then she'll hate herself and slowly come crawling back. But then she'll probably leave again, but this time just to truly be alone. If you really want her back, though, I can tell you how to manipulate her. LOL DSM I think I might have an idea of the "manipulation" you speak of. However, does he really want a relationship based on two people manipulating each other? Hopefully not.
Author Penance Posted August 8, 2009 Author Posted August 8, 2009 Why do you want a woman who will do this to you? I still love her... And before all this started to happen, I never had any reasons to be unhappy with her... Before this hobby I was always talking to her even when we were away from eachother, after I started this, even we were together we just stoped talking to each other, because I was to focused on it instead of her
hoping2heal Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 DSM I think I might have an idea of the "manipulation" you speak of. However, does he really want a relationship based on two people manipulating each other? Hopefully not. She may, she is manipulating him, is she not? She's using another man over his head. Dance puppet dance.
Author Penance Posted August 8, 2009 Author Posted August 8, 2009 If you really want her back, though, I can tell you how to manipulate her. LOL What do you mean? Manipulate her in what way?
DSM-IV Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 DSM I think I might have an idea of the "manipulation" you speak of. However, does he really want a relationship based on two people manipulating each other? Hopefully not. What were you thinking?
Devil Inside Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 I still love her... And before all this started to happen, I never had any reasons to be unhappy with her... Before this hobby I was always talking to her even when we were away from eachother, after I started this, even we were together we just stoped talking to each other, because I was to focused on it instead of her What is going to happen when you get a career, have kids, have to take care of a family member that is ill. You can never give anyone your full attention at all times. Seems like you see this girl as the love of your life. If you feel you'll regret it, give it a shot...but don't beg.
hoping2heal Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 I still love her... And before all this started to happen, I never had any reasons to be unhappy with her... Before this hobby I was always talking to her even when we were away from eachother, after I started this, even we were together we just stoped talking to each other, because I was to focused on it instead of her Well gosh, how do I put this lightly. I suppose before Ike started beating Tina, she had no reason to be unhappy with him either. Okay, so it's not good that you allowed the communication breakdown to take place. But, that also still does not excuse her taking up with another man emotionally, and then using that over your head. It's no excuse. Why do people insist on insulting their intelligence over and over with partners who are unfaithful, or treat them wrong, and then use that pathetic excuse "I still love him/her" What about loving yourself? Jeez Luweez.
Devil Inside Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 What were you thinking? Well for starters you have to go NC. At about four weeks she will come running.
DSM-IV Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 That is correct. I didn't know i made it so obvious. But as they say... all is fair in love and war. and no matter what he does, ultimately the cookie will still crumble.. so I'm going to suck up my pride and say listen to hoping. This girl is actually just really not worth it.
Devil Inside Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 That is correct. I didn't know i made it so obvious. But as they say... all is fair in love and war. and no matter what he does, ultimately the cookie will still crumble.. so I'm going to suck up my pride and say listen to hoping. This girl is actually just really not worth it. Not so obvious...we must just have similar sources of information. So are you into psychology...I am a therapist.
Author Penance Posted August 8, 2009 Author Posted August 8, 2009 Well for starters you have to go NC. At about four weeks she will come running. How are you guys so sure that this will work? And how is this manipulating her? Wont this 4 weeks NC will make her just go meet him live?
Devil Inside Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 How are you guys so sure that this will work? And how is this manipulating her? Wont this 4 weeks NC will make her just go meet him live? First let me say...I don't advocate this method. It is definitely no guarantee. But the theory is that it creates a longing. It makes her think...he's ok without me..why? In this case, however, she already hooked up...so we'll see.
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