Coping can be forever

[LakesideDream]

Coping can be forever, or so it seems. 25 year marriage, down in flames. White hot love affair grows cold and distant. Those things happening one after another changed me. Changed me in ways that I didn't notice, for over six years. I changed so that I could "cope".

 

I remember ruefully something my ex said eighteen months after the divorce. She said "After what we (her and my MW GF) did to you, you will never be the same". I was defensive about that statement, promising myself that it wasn't true. I was wrong.

 

As the months turned into years I tried and tried to be "the guy" I pictured myself to be before this all began. It wasn't to be. First, a couple of years later my health crashed, literally. An infection laying hidden for almost ten years gripped me, and nearly killed me. I found myself literally welcoming death. As I laid dying, I was peaceful, happy. I didn't realize it then at the time, but what I felt was relief.

 

Another half decade has passed. Coping has taken different forms. Part of it was LoveShack. I had a long running thread (18 months) "Bought a New House Today, The Adventure begins" That thread was cathartic in ways I'm just beginning to understand. It ran until Tony closed it, it was time. There was nothing new, because I was "coping".

 

Now I've realized that I need more changes in my life. I've realized that I'm still guilty of needing. Needing people and community. My family was my people and commnity. No family now, no grandkids, children are almost 30 ! No time or not much for Dad.

 

I've also noted that I'm a very easy man to take advantage of. For company, and "friendship" I've allowed, even encouraged people I've met to take advantage. I noticed it about a year ago and have been slowly taking myself out of those situations.

 

That leaves me in an odd situation. I don't think I've ever learned how to live happily. Without the challenges other people presented, I'm aimless. Solving problems, making plans, taking action has been my life. Now there is no reason. I'm almost 60 years old. Even if there were mountains to climb, I couldn't climb them anymore.

 

There's lots more going on in my brain. This post is already to long.

[marmaliade]

Damn, this thread reall touched me. My pain seems irrelevant and my loss so little compared to Yours. Stay strong...

[deux ex machina]

"Life leads the thoughtful man on a path of many windings.

Now the course is checked, now it runs straight again."

 

- Confucius

[LakesideDream]

Damn, this thread reall touched me. My pain seems irrelevant and my loss so little compared to Yours. Stay strong...

 

 

Not so. Everyones problems are monumental in their own lives. Keep up the good fight as long as you have energy. Every day, sometimes every hour brings challenges that you can grow to meet.

 

Good Luck.

[Els]

This post really brought me out of my self-pitying spiral of emotions brought about by my LDR.

 

I hope one day you can truly smell the roses again. Nothing's impossible.

[LakesideDream]

Like I said in the opening post, I have lots on my mind. It's almost 3:00 AM as I type, I can't sleep. I took an Ambien and I'm waiting for it to start working. For the first time in six or seven years I'm having trouble sleeping on a regular basis. To many things going through my head.

 

In no particular order of importance I'm worried, that's something new. I'm worried about getting older and not being very healthy. I've been trying to build my health up lately. Pushing myself physically more than usual. I'm proud that I have risen to the occasion. Part of the reason for upping my activity is to practice being more self sufficent. It's working I think.

 

Another thing that's keeping me up and running through my thoughts in the daytime is work. I can't be sure how long I'll be able to work. I earn enough to "break even" even in this economy, .. so far. As I am self employed, that could end abruptly. Again, it's worrying me, something I'm not used to. Worry. I don't like it.

 

Personally I'm not worried anymore. Those who have followed my previous posts know that I moved where I'm living now over 18 months ago, following my "heart". My former MW lives where I am now, I moved 700 miles hoping to win her heart, again. It seems I wasn't successful. The move wasn't in vain though. This is a great place to live. I have a wonderful home, and it's much more affordable than my previous house. In fact, all things considered it's the nicest house/home I've ever lived in.

 

It seems that I've bought my last couch and and furniture, last refridgerator. I actually have everything I need. I really splurged when I moved. It's almost all paid off thankfully, so I'm not financially burdened by bills. All sounds peachy eh?

 

Not so. In the last few months I've come to the realization that I havent felt happiness for about 7 years now. Sure I've had a few good hours. I haven't experianced what I remember happiness to be. That feeling that you want to go to bed and wake up smiling. In fact to go to bed smiling. The things I occupy my time with outside work aren't fulfilling. They just don't matter in any meaningful way. I volunteer at the senior center, and a few hours at the local food bank. The seniors are "hella" depressing, but it's a good thing to do. Ditto the food bank. So many people are having such a hard time these days.

 

I've also become a "house keeper" doing all the tasks I used to share, later pay someone to do. It's not "fun" to do the dishes when the coffee is brewing in the morning, or to clean the tile floor in the kitchen weekly, but it gives me a fleeting smile after it's done. That's what my life has become. Earning a living, taking care of a house, taking care of myself. Watching TV in my bedroom, and now, "blogging" again on LoveShack.

 

To me it seems to be a pretty meaningless life for a once proud man, father, husband, lover. I no longer do the things that gave me the greatest pleasure. I enjoyed suprising my wife and kids, even my GF with gifts. Note: I wasn't reunited with the GF until after the D day. I so enjoyed trips, or stuff like dinners or outings. I caught hell for it often too. But I didn't mind. After I was chided for being irresponsible everyone enjoyed my efforts. Those were happy times.

 

Trips to Yosemite, camping trips to the High Sierra's, Bed and Breakfasts on the coast. Those were happy times. Graduations, for grammer, middle, high school, college, sources of pride. Now I'm just useless, a relic of my former life. I don't like it.

 

For fun I watch mostly old movies on the Dish or the DVD. Listen to old music on my HiFi (old as I am almost and supurb), the music usually makes me smile. Reminding me of truely happy times. I try to listen a hour a day, and have it on in the background as much as possible.

 

What's a guy to do? My heart, is wrapped up totally in a woman that in all probabliliy I will never have. When I'm out in the world I'm not attracted to other women. I understand the conundrum. If I'm not attracted, I'm not going to be making romantic friends am I?

 

I keep thinking that "I'm done". 58 years old, just going through the motions. Dishes, laundry, housework, work for money, There really isn't any more. at least now....... but I'm coping.....

 

And this is "coping"............

[marlena]

Lakeside,

 

A lot of people feel the way you do once the kids have spread their wings afar. Even married couples have a problem with this, feeling lonely and disoriented after their children have gone. It is a confusing time, I know...and a challenging one.

 

Can you not visit your children more often? Or can they come to visit you? Do you have grandchildren?

 

What I what do is get an early pension if possible since you are self-employed, quit offering my services at the senior centre and food bank since both are depressing you even more, create a circle of friends to do things with, hire a housekeeper to come in every two weeks or so to do the heavy stuff, travel to other countries at least once a year if possible. That always does the trick. Nothing like a change of scenery to ward off depressing thoughts.

 

I think you have to break the rut you are in. It's good that you have come to terms with the probability of nothing happening with the love of your life. I'd forget about that and go out with other women even if you are not attracted to them. They just might pleasantly surprise you.

 

Fifty-eight is not that old. You only feel the weight of your years right now because you are feeling rather low. It's good that you are taking better care of your health. This will make you feel strong and young and re-energized.

 

You had the courage to start all over again. Do it again. Change your mindset and start doing new things that will break the monotony of quottidian life. Also, try to be around cheerful, positive people who will lift your spirits and make you see that life should not be taken too seriously after all.

[tinke]

Lakeside, I'm glad to see you are back on the forum, I've always found wisdom in your posts.

 

Life takes us on a constant journey of change, most times, we may not realize it is happening. We all reach transitions and reflect on our past and what we hope to accomplish. I believe you are being brutally honest in what most experience, even married couples. It is a time of connection, where you map out your desires, evaluate your future and actively pursue. You are wise and connected enough to know you want change, you can make this happen.

 

You are still a young man in this world today, strive for what matters to you. Easy to say, true enough, but, only you can put it in motion.

 

From your posts, you seem like a very genuine person, if you allow yourself to open up to "dates", you may be pleasantly surprised.

[Devil Inside]

As a younger man that found myself at a crossroads of ending or keeping an A, I see that I would miss the family life in your words. Coping is something meant to bridge the gaps in our life...but hopefully not a permanent lifestyle.

[LakesideDream]

Lakeside,

 

A lot of people feel the way you do once the kids have spread their wings afar. Even married couples have a problem with this, feeling lonely and disoriented after their children have gone. It is a confusing time, I know...and a challenging one.

 

Can you not visit your children more often? Or can they come to visit you? Do you have grandchildren?

 

What I what do is get an early pension if possible since you are self-employed, quit offering my services at the senior centre and food bank since both are depressing you even more, create a circle of friends to do things with, hire a housekeeper to come in every two weeks or so to do the heavy stuff, travel to other countries at least once a year if possible. That always does the trick. Nothing like a change of scenery to ward off depressing thoughts.

 

I think you have to break the rut you are in. It's good that you have come to terms with the probability of nothing happening with the love of your life. I'd forget about that and go out with other women even if you are not attracted to them. They just might pleasantly surprise you.

 

Fifty-eight is not that old. You only feel the weight of your years right now because you are feeling rather low. It's good that you are taking better care of your health. This will make you feel strong and young and re-energized.

 

You had the courage to start all over again. Do it again. Change your mindset and start doing new things that will break the monotony of quottidian life. Also, try to be around cheerful, positive people who will lift your spirits and make you see that life should not be taken too seriously after all.

 

 

Marlena, thanks for your words. No grandkids as mentioned, and it's a fair trip for the kids to visit. Seriously I think they are to involved with their own lives right now to be bothered.

 

Financially their is no pension in the offing. Social Security is almost 10 years away. Nine years ago at "D" time, (actually almost to the day!) I was left with a small stack do debt and $134.00. I put everything I had into purchasing this house when I moved. Luckily I own it free and clear. Just taxes. It will take a couple of years to build up a savings buffer to make trips, or international vacations possible without going into credit card debt, which I am hesitant to do at this time (of course if the lady wanted something....).

 

I plan on being open to the possibility of other companions. It hasn't come up naturally. I'm not a "bar scene" guy. The whole idea of an old guy at a bar is pretty pitiful.

 

I am enjoying taking care of my house now. It gives me pleasure and a sense of accomplishment. I really have nothing to complain about. Or be happy about either, thus the "coping" mode. I am greatful to have a place to write my thoughts were people actually listen! Thank you.

 

Is this what the youngsters call "blogging"?

[marlena]

Lake, I'll be honest with you. Despite all my bravado and zest for life, I, too, have "coping" days, sometimes weeks just like you. Fortunately, my indomitable spirit always triumphs. I am quite sure it is like that with you as well for if there's one thing I believe I know about you is that you are a fighter, a go-getter, a survivor.

 

I am sorry about your pension. Ten years is indeed a long way off. A day at a time, then, with a lot of free time in-between spent doing what pleases you.

 

I agree with the credit card thing but even more so I like your attitude when you say, "but if the lady wanted something"! That shows passion.

 

I am grateful for having a place to write my thoughts as well. You sound like a very introspective person. Perhaps you could start writing a book since you enjoy writing so much? Now, that would help you cope. I do it and I find that I am at my very best when I am being creative.

 

Is this what the youngsters call "blogging"?

 

Wouldn't know as I am not a youngster (only in spirit) but I think they mean something else.

 

Smile, Lake, life still has a lot of pleasant surprises in store for us.

[tinke]

Lake, I know only too well what you speak of with circumstances presenting change, forcing one to cope. As hard as I try, I cannot find that person I once was, change has changed me! Not unlike you, I have much to be grateful for and relish in my good fortune.

 

However, I am different and have concluded that I cannot recall the daily feelings I once had, I cannot find that person. Not to say things are bad, just different!

So, rather than search for who I was, I am simply following the person I am becoming.

 

Reflection is normal, but I force myself to think of my desires, goals, a future.

It is almost a lost innocence and one cannot go back, but only try to lead what is to come. I believe I know the feelings you speak of, the gains, the losses. But, I would bet most feel this way (I hope!) I believe what you are saying is that you are happy with your home, work, etc. but it's not enough. I hope for you that you soon find that missing piece.

 

I look forward to reading your posts, you have great insight and words of wisdom.

[Lizzie60]

OH my Lake.. how depressing.. you got to cheer up man..

 

Life is not over at 60.. Gosh you're only one year older than I am..

 

I haven't started to think like that YET.. but I know my time will come..

 

I thought you had someone in your life.. when you moved.. I thought you were moving with someone..

 

Cheer up !!!

[LakesideDream]

Lake, I know only too well what you speak of with circumstances presenting change, forcing one to cope. As hard as I try, I cannot find that person I once was, change has changed me! Not unlike you, I have much to be grateful for and relish in my good fortune.

 

However, I am different and have concluded that I cannot recall the daily feelings I once had, I cannot find that person. Not to say things are bad, just different!

So, rather than search for who I was, I am simply following the person I am becoming.

 

Reflection is normal, but I force myself to think of my desires, goals, a future.

It is almost a lost innocence and one cannot go back, but only try to lead what is to come. I believe I know the feelings you speak of, the gains, the losses. But, I would bet most feel this way (I hope!) I believe what you are saying is that you are happy with your home, work, etc. but it's not enough. I hope for you that you soon find that missing piece.

 

I look forward to reading your posts, you have great insight and words of wisdom.

 

 

Tinke, a big part of what I'm posting about is that I am not happy, or sad, about home, work, etc. I've stopped feeling those precious emotions. Even being sad, and having that to overcome would be welcome. Rather than not having enough in my life, I have nothing. Nothing that matters.

 

There is no missing piece Tinke. For lack of a better explaination there is only "blah". I'm not a big "feelings" guy, however I can tell you that I breath because it's less trouble than not breathing.

 

This is not a plea for pity. Make no mistake about that. I'm trying to get my thoughts organized and open at least so I can see them. I've only begun to understand my thoughts in the last few weeks and it's a bit scary.

[LakesideDream]

Something just occured to me. A month ago I lost a good friend. A lady I've known for the past six years. Our relationship was never a romantic one. We were "fixed up" on a blind date didn't "click" but became friends immediately. We remained close friends till the end. I thought we were closer than we were. A month ago she took her own life.

 

Duh... real intellectual guy here! That's the same time I began having these thoughts. I'm pretty stunned that I didn't put that together right away.

 

I have more to think about now.

[marlena]

Duh... real intellectual guy here! That's the same time I began having these thoughts. I'm pretty stunned that I didn't put that together right away.

 

 

I also started having these thoughts when I lost both parents. I struggle to shirk them off every day of my life. When we come so close to death, especially when we lose someone so dear to our hearts, it reminds us of our own looming mortality. And, then, the fear wiggles its way into our hearts and minds and settles like a cancerous growth over our every thought, ruining our lives, making us waste the precious little time we do have left to us.

 

Perhaps all we can do is just accept it, live alongside of it or in spite of it with as much moral fortitude as we can muster up.

[LakesideDream]

I also started having these thoughts when I lost both parents. I struggle to shirk them off every day of my life. When we come so close to death, especially when we lose someone so dear to our hearts, it reminds us of our own looming mortality. And, then, the fear wiggles its way into our hearts and minds and settles like a cancerous growth over our every thought, ruining our lives, making us waste the precious little time we do have left to us.

 

Perhaps all we can do is just accept it, live alongside of it or in spite of it with as much moral fortitude as we can muster up.

 

 

I'm looking at more options. Even thinking about another degree. Something to keep my mind busy. I slept easily and well last night so maybe writing this all down is helping.

[tinke]

Lakeside, how are you doing?