Whiskey Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 I've been no contact with my ex for 7 days now after dating for almost 3 yrs. I had a short spell of being needy and pathetic for 2 weeks or so after she wanted to call it quits. I text her today only to collect a few personal effects of mine that have sentimental value. No ulterior motives, my head says its throught, finished, move on. My heart...Well you know the drill by now. We go over the things I want back yadda yadda. She is asking how things are with me lately. Around the time of our breakup I was in the process of buying a condo (decided I didn't want it), and now she is asking me about it. How everything is going with that. I want to tell her just to be able to connect and talk with her so much about it. Tell me to take the handgun away from my head (its a metaphor, not literal). What should I say to keep this the least painful as possible. I can't handle talking to her. I have my really strong moments and my low points and I'm at a real low right now. editors note: ****!!! She just texted "do you ever want to see me again?"
hopesndreams Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 Tell her you'll see her again if she is wanting to get back with ya. If she seriously wants to re-commit. If she says anything that remotely suggests keeping you on a string, politely tell her that friendship is not an option and also tell her that the window of opportunity won't be open forever.
Author Whiskey Posted August 7, 2009 Author Posted August 7, 2009 Thanks so much!! I told her what you said and I'll watch carefully for her reply.
hopesndreams Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 Good start, but whatever you do, do not cave. If you do, it will make you look weak and pathetic and no one, no one..wants to be with someone like that. If she wants to get back with you, she will. It may take her a bit of time to come to this decision though, so don't rush it and stick to NC.
Author Whiskey Posted August 7, 2009 Author Posted August 7, 2009 Yeah I'm not going to push anything. I can tell she is taking her time though. Its been close to an hour since I let her know and nothing back. The reality is that what I know I really want back is my stuff. Mainly a dog tag I kept on my boot while deployed to Iraq with the Marines. I gave it to her at the beginning of our relationship and she keeps it on her key chain. We just texted about what I would like back but never got to the point how or when I'll get it back. It was actually right after I told her I need the key back to my apartment that she jumped straight to my home purchase and ever wanting to see her again. It does feel good to know the pressure is finally on her for once, but I'm scared at the prospect of what she might say. I'm preparing myself to accept it.
Author Whiskey Posted August 10, 2009 Author Posted August 10, 2009 How long should I wait before I see what's up? The above conversation took place on Friday afternoon. It's now Monday afternoon. Should I just keep NC until I hear from her or is this more of her stringing me along?
Thaddeus Posted August 10, 2009 Posted August 10, 2009 Should I just keep NC until I hear from her or is this more of her stringing me along?Maintain NC. Not because it might bring her back to you, but because it's the only way that you'll truly be able to move forward.
georgia girl Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 I have to agree with Thaddeus. Even if it means giving up these very sentimental things (at least for the time being) stay away from her. Just start going on with your life. When all of the emotions die down, she'll likely be happy to give you back your stuff. In the meantime, she has made a choice and she has already stated that choice. She's not going to reconsider - at least now. Let her go and be in silence. That way, it's a whole lot easier for you to heal and start being happy. It also gives you perspective about what you want from a relationship, what you'll accept in a partner and what your terms for reconciliation are. As dumpees, we tend to think along the "anything to get them back" lines and that's our worst tactic. First, it's self defeating. We undervalue ourselves just to get this thing we want - talk about making yourself sad. But secondly, in the bartering world of human perceptions, if you don't value yourself highly, how do you expect her to? She won't miss you if you don't go away. I am not trying to give you false hope, but I totally rejected my ex. He texted me constantly after our breakup and I ignored it all (and we work in the same field - I could ignore him even in a courthouse!) He came back requesting a second chance (saying all of those things we hope they say) and I rejected him again - I didn't trust him. He came back a second time and approached me a little bit better and I let him in a crack. However, if you asked him, I think he would very clearly say that he's lucky I gave him another slim chance and he keeps promising me HE won't screw it up. I don't mean to sound like a control freak, but psychologically the dumper has decided that he/she doesn't want you anymore. That killed me and I was not about to give any man the chance to do that to me twice. When he earned a second chance, he got it. But it has to take a great deal on their part. First, you'll never trust it. Second, they'll never value it.
Author Whiskey Posted August 11, 2009 Author Posted August 11, 2009 Thanks to both of you for the encouraging advice. I swear the feelings eat away at you. I took my dog on an hour long walk yesterday and I could only think about calling her just to find out what it is she wants. The problem is I feel completely in the dark. I don't know what she is thinking at all. She has barely expressed to me what she felt was wrong with the relationship besides that I was moody a few times and she felt taken advantage of. If I'm guilty of this then fine, but she does not ever communicate her feelings to me. She just waited until she couldn't take it anymore. I keep thinking what a sweet deal she has, I wait outside in the rainstorm while she takes her time to figure out what she wants. Who knows what she's been up to lately.This just sucks, I go from completely depressed, to normal, to anger and resentment, then acceptance in no particular order. It hits me at any time. Anyway, I just sit here without any type of proper closure. I'm not going to contact her (it took all my willpower not to last night) because I don't think it will make a difference and I need to find out how to let go of these feelings. Like I've been told, It will just probably put her in a corner and push me away from her.
Nedved Posted August 11, 2009 Posted August 11, 2009 You've done all you can Whiskey and as hard as it is maintain NC!! If she wants to get in conact with you she will. The worst thing you can do now is to contact her. Believe me it would be a huge mistake. You've done all you can do and she has'nt replyed so for me she's made her decision. She knows your waiting for a reply. She knows that. how dose it take a person to make their up mind? She has'nt even said she's thinking about while your hanging onto this reply. Best thing you can do now is turn off your phone don't check any emails for a few days and tell yourself she's gone. Believe me your going to drive yourself crazy waiting for this answer. This is about respect here whiskey. She has'nt shown you any respect by answering so what dose that tell you? Don't let her walk all over you mate. Honestly you'l be so angry with yourself in a few months time.
Author Whiskey Posted August 12, 2009 Author Posted August 12, 2009 So yeah, I just found out that she has made plans back in mid-june to move away to finish college with a friend. It hurts, but not as much as I had anticipated now that I realize the relationship is over. Its too bad she's been so cowardly to mention this to me. Way to let somebody down easy right?
Author Whiskey Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 As the reality sets in, I want to throw up.
georgia girl Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Whiskey, I'm sorry. But let it be for a little while. She may have made those plans in June not really intending them to become reality. Now that things have changed with you, she's deciding to execute them. These are highly emotionally charged times. Don't respond too high or too low to anything. Just ride it out. Not saying things will ever work out, but maybe this isn't "reality" either. Let emotions lie for awhile and then you'll find out what is really true.
Author Whiskey Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 The last time I made contact with her was when I asked for my things back a week ago...A couple of days afterwords it hit me really hard and I'm still feeling it. When I found out she had made plans to move while we were still together it hurt really badly. I got so far as to writing out the text message to her demanding my things back and telling her what I really thought of her, but I told myself last time never to react to anything and I followed what I said. I'm happy I didn't send that message. Don't get me wrong, a part of me still wants to tell her what I think about this whole mess but it won't get me anywhere. Like you said Georgia, I can't respond to high or low to anything. Best just ride it out. Eventually things are going to come to some sort of conclusion. Its all a mind game though. Why does she still hold onto my possessions if it's over? If they aren't worth anything to her, why not just give them back? I know its a big no no, but I sometimes look at her myspace page and she still keeps all the photographs of us together and the things we've done up. Its these kind of things that mess with me daily...I'm just happy there is a place like this to vent.
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